Being a working Mum..

[2GinOrNot2Gin]

I don't really know what I want from this but just feeling a bit shit.

I have 2 kids, both IVF babies. I feel so incredibly blessed that I have my boys I didn't think it would ever happen once let alone twice. They are my world.

Because I'd resided myself to being childless I worked on my career and worked my way up in the education world to leadership level. I'm due back from maternity leave soon but people seem to pass very negative comments when I say I'm returning to work. I've had comments like why would you pay thousands to have your kids just to stick them in a nursery. And I'd of thought someone like you would want to cherish every moment of childhood.

I enjoy my job, and I feel like although it's shit leaving them as babies when they're at school and at an age where memories will last I'll be there for all the holidays and we'll be able to do lots of stuff together. I think one of the problems people have is that I don't have to work.. we could manage with me staying home but we wouldn't have the luxury's in life that me working will provide. Camping holidays, holidays abroad, days out whenever we want. Also, if I don't work my husband wouldn't be able to have much time off work as he is self employed, but with us both working he can take lots of holidays to spend with us too.

A lot of my family/friends are SAHMs but I often have to listen to them moaning about their husbands working all hours to keep them in the life they want. All good and well driving round in an Audi with designer clothes but surly you can't complain that your husband has to work hard to provide you with these if you chose not to work?!

They say my argument of working to buy time together is void because I'm allowing someone else to raise my children. I never judge their lives or pass comment on their choices.. I personally think being a SAHM is far harder than going to work but it's all personal choice.

If you work.. do you feel judged? If so how do you make yourself feel better about it? I don't usually let people's opinions bother me, but when it comes to judging my parenting skills it does really hurt me. All mums carry enough guilt for one thing or another.. I don't need to be told I'm shit by others.

I don't 'have' to work. Between child maintenance and universal credit I could manage, just, financially. But working gives me some many positives. Extra income, time with other adults, conversations about non child topics, makes me a fuller more developed person, keeps me employable for when DC are older and don't need me, gives me space to be me and not just mummy. DC remember nursery fondly and less with every year that passes. Being at breakfast club allowed them to have a larger friendship group, seek support from older kids and give support to younger ones. It can be tough and difficult to balance for the early years but if I could go back, I would 100% have still returned to work after maternity leave. Just my experience, lol!

Why would you spend years on your education and building a career to stay at home?said in a perplexed tone to the buggers saying that!
Your children will be happy if mum is happy. Sounds like sour grapes to me... they might be validating their own choices. I worked part time till kids went to high school but every parent chooses what works best for their own family

No I don't. And I don't care if I do. My mother was a full time working mother. She was an excellent mother and I never felt neglected. She gave me two pieces of advice. She said, when its your time with them don't plan 'fun' things. They want you and your time, not activities. And the other thing she said was that at the beginning of the day and at the end of the day, give them your attention. Giving someone your attention is an act of generosity. So if I have two hours with them I try and give them my full attention and in order to do so I outsource some housework and cook/clean when they are asleep. But I want to clarify that I am not a single parent and DH is an excellent father so the overall pressure on me is less.

I bet no one has ever, even once asked your husband the same question. Sometimes it's just people liking to shit on women.

No, I don’t feel judged. People have judged me. I’m self employed and take short maternity leave as not to lose to much business. I had raised eyebrows and comments about that. But I don’t care.

My dd benefits greatly from me working. She understands why I go to work and quite honestly I hate being at home 24/7. One day she will grow up and will need me less, if I give up my business now, what will I have when she needs me less and less?

I’m a better mum for having time away from her.

It’s nobody else’s business how you choose to look after your family. People will judge you no matter what, let them judge away.

Oh OP I really feel for you. I have had similar thoughts / opinions shared with me returning to work after x 3 maternity leave (but not IVF). Like you no doubt I adore my children but I had built a sucessful career. I didnt want to give all that up and be a SAHM. I returned to work and now they are all at school have found a balance to work and have time with them out of school hours.
Remember

• your DC being at irsery is not someone else raising your kids, its childcare
• if you were a SAHM you may feel guilty for not affording the life you want to provide
• if you go to work you may feel guilty for not spending all your time with them
• there is no right and wrong, it was works for YOU and your family

I was brought up with a very traditional working DF and a DM who was SAHM. My own DF has suggested I should be a SAHM. We could probably afford it but I dont want to sacrifice my career, my santity, my working relationships and my income. (I have no intention of DH and i ever splitting but someone once said to me if you give up your career and you and DH split you would be unemplyed and have to start back at the bottom) - i like my own independence and work gives me a sense of purpose that i dont get from being a mum / wife

Do what suits your family. You know and love your kids. Different kids have different needs - some kids will do well at nursery, some will be better at home or part-time nursery. I reckon as long as you are in tune with the kids and willing to change tack if they are unhappy/not developing well, then it’s fine.

You do also have the option of looking for a job with less responsibility/part-time if that fits the family. Me and DH are aiming towards both of us part-time, but financially not ready yet (that’s not to say it’s right for everyone!)

Who are these people who make these comments ? .... I’ve never come across any. It’s rude.... I do kind of pity little babies who are in nurseries from 08.00 -18.00 five days a week and I wouldn’t have chosen to have done that if there was an option to do otherwise But not every childcare option is a nursery. I also don’t subscribe to the idea that a happy mum automatically equates to a happy child having met more than one mother happy to get bombed ( drugs or alcohol) while in sole charge of children. Ultimately though you are the one living this life and you need to find the pathway that works for all of you and forget trying to justify it to other people.

You need new friends. As you've said both you and your DH working allows both of you to enjoy the children and your working lives. If your SAHM 'friends' don't appreciate accept that then says more about them than you.

There are many advantages to both parents working.

1. Less pressure on either of you to be the family provider
2. Diversification in case of redundancy (I have a friend who was a teacher but gave it up when she had children. Her DH is in a career destroyed by the pandemic. If she had kept working when they had kids they'd be fine now, instead they are on UC)
3. Both can work shorter hours and spend time with the DC
4. Good example for the DC that men and women can both work and do housework rather than gender stereotype roles
5. More money than relying on a single career
6. Affairs are more likely in relationships where there is an imbalance in financial contributions (i.e. traditional men who like a wife at home also like to be traditional and sleep with their secretary)
7. Financial security in the case of death of your spouse.

@Nostrings457
Financial security is another reason I want to work. And another thing my friends don't understand.. I've said I want to know if he walked out on me tomorrow I can pay the bills and provide for my children. But apparently that's me being negative because he'd never leave me. I agree I don't think he would same as I have no plans to leave him but you just never know what may happen!! I also don't want the burden on him all the time, with being self employed and covid etc he's felt a lot of stress and pressure as I'm on mat leave. If I was working then he wouldn't have that pressure on just his shoulders. If work stopped and his business folded then we'd be ok.

It's nice to hear you all working and ignoring the judgement. I think I do just need to shrug it off and know that I'm doing the best and what works for us!

@Divebar they wouldn't be in a nursery full time. My mum will have them 2 days and my stepmum will have them 1 day so they're only actually in nursery 2 days a week. Not that it matters.. but it does ease my guilt that they are with family and not in nursery grandmas both love them and they'll be spoiled rotten! Plus there's the 13 weeks a year holiday I get, they'll be with me for all of those.

I refuse to feel guilty over anything that a man would not be expected to feel guilty about.

Thats not being negative its being realistic and standing on your own two feet. You do need to shrug it off. Live your life how you want to. You really can have it all - marriage, DC and work if you want it.

I have one day off a week to spend with my two dc. Before lockdown I went to a toddlers session in the hope I would make friends. As soon as I mentioned I worked you could almost see their eyes glaze over and their attention move to elsewhere in the room. It’s shit. But I don’t feel guilty, when I spend time with my dc they have 100% of my attention (well sometimes a bit less if there’s housework) but I know they get so much out of their childcare setting - they do things I would never get to do with them at home - and I’m happier as I’m being challenged at work and earning good money to not think twice about treating them when I want to.

Whatever you do, you will be judged so as
Long as you’re doing what’s right for you and your family, then what else can you do?

I think it’s great to work so long as babies/ toddlers aren’t in childcare five days a week. I work part time and the balance feels just right

No, I never feel guilty about working even though I don't "have" to. I like working, I need challenge and structure and activity and I would have been a fucking miserable SAHM. I'm a much better mum working. Also also I would not want to put myself in the position of being a SAHM, permanently shooting my earning prospects in the foot and being very vulnerable to my relationship changing.

I think you're talking to the wrong people. Do you not work with any mums? Know any dual career couples? If you build yourself a network of working mothers I think you'll feel much better about your choices.

I study on top of work, run, and write and am now coming out of the baby years and feeling more like me again, busy and fulfilled and able to bring that to my kids. And I love that I've hung in there through the early years when working & kids were a bit of a grind and am now in such a great position.

Go back to work. You'll still have a lot of time with them.
Never depend financially on a man and role model equality between genders: parents to your sons.
The sons of SAHM I know are often critical and disrespecting or their mothers by the time they turn 7-8 and realise their Mums sit indoors all day, funded by dad.

I’ve felt judged more by the older generation in my family I would say who have different views about raising a family. I don’t feel guilty for working; I worked hard to get my degree and build my career and I didn’t do all that just to throw it to the side when I had children. I also feel that you don’t know the future and if me and DH split up I don’t want to be left with no career to fall back on and I also don’t want to feel trapped into staying with him because of money. I grew up with a mum who worked and I think it was a good role model to see her working. I also need work for my own identity and confidence outside of being a mum and I don’t feel guilty for that; I love being a mum but there’s more to me than that.

At one point in my childhood my mum had four jobs and that was the most proudest I ever felt of her. I told all my friends what she did and she inspired me to always work for myself.

I also get the idea of knowing you can support yourself if things with your partner goes tits up. Yes no one likes to think of that happening but no way am I going to put myself in a shit position where I can’t support myself and my children if it does. No man would do that to themselves.

Oh yeah, and in... Not all that many years on here I've lost count of the number of threads by women in shit relationships which feature the words "I can't leave, I'm a SAHM and have no money".

I will always be able to keep me and mine decently, whatever happens. And that knowledge is valuable to me.

I work full time, single parent too through adoption. Had a couple of comments from sil that most mums only work part time (I work with plenty of mums who work full time) and my brother saying why bother having kids for them to go to nursery full time (he works full time, her 1/2 days a week). I’ve ignored all the comments

Firstly most mums I know in my field of work work full time and have kids ranging from babies to teens. Most mums of preschoolers I know have them in nursery full time.

Mine is in part time and with my mum the rest, but the nursery days are long and sometimes I’m still on odd / call email when he gets home. But - on weekends no work, no housework (done in evening), no food shop etc so time purely for him. Also post lockdown have started just chilling / playing in the house rather than having plans to go out all weekend.

I work full time a) because I have to, to provide financial security for us both and also to have a lifestyle we enjoy but also b) because I enjoy it, it gives me purpose and responsibility separately to being a mum that I get great satisfaction from and c) I want to be a role model to him to show that you can work hard and achieve things through work and that that affords a decent lifestyle

Bear in mind some mums don't "choose not to work" as you have stated. If you aren't fortunate enough to have the childcare set up that you do , where 60% of your weekly childcare is free, even as a mid -high earner you can end up in a position where the majority of a salary is
going on nursery fees. Rightly or wrongly, families do think that is a waste / pointless/ especially if the woman doesn't enjoy the career. If you supplement with family childcare, the true cost of returning to the office is more manageable all around.

I’ve worked full time since my daughter was 11 months old. Never felt judged never regretted it. Glad I did, as have ended up single, and get no maintenance. Sticking with my career has put me in a great position and now I’m comfortable money wise and able to provide a good standard of life for my daughter all by myself. We had a wonderful childminder who is now a family friend, and we use wrap around school care now. Nothing but a positive experience. Sure it’s hard to juggle life sometimes, but who doesn’t find that? Going back to work also helped me recover from PND, and I found myself again. If people have judged me it’s never been to my face.

@wishfull888 yes but that’s so short sighted.

For two years we had to pay full whack for childcare for two children in private nursery. It nearly crippled us (second child came a bit sooner than planned) but with savings (and a remortgage) we got through it and are now coming out the other side with both careers in tact and can build up our savings again.

We have no family or friends to help, it’s just us and we did toy with the idea of me being a sahm but knew the chances of me getting back into work afterwards, earning the salary I had was slim so something had to give.

People think they can have their cake and eat it - they can eventually but there has to be a price to pay first.

If you work.. do you feel judged?

No.
Maybe easier for me as I had no choice when dc1 was born - dh was still studying. However, perhaps it depends who you surround yourself with. My family, and my friends have all always worked. I can't think of anyone I knew (before I met some of dcs' school friends years down the line) who didn't WOTH, so it was always pretty normal.

The only thing I would say, if you are a teacher, it means you will be working a lot of hours each week, including evenings and/or weekends.
When I had dc2 I went to 0.6, and I found that 100% the right balance for me. Brought my hours down to about 33- 36 per week and meant I could have some time with them at weekends.
You might want to look in to that. NOT to pander to any of your incredibly rude - and short sighted - friends, but for your own sanity.