Being a working Mum..

[2GinOrNot2Gin]

I don't really know what I want from this but just feeling a bit shit.

I have 2 kids, both IVF babies. I feel so incredibly blessed that I have my boys I didn't think it would ever happen once let alone twice. They are my world.

Because I'd resided myself to being childless I worked on my career and worked my way up in the education world to leadership level. I'm due back from maternity leave soon but people seem to pass very negative comments when I say I'm returning to work. I've had comments like why would you pay thousands to have your kids just to stick them in a nursery. And I'd of thought someone like you would want to cherish every moment of childhood.

I enjoy my job, and I feel like although it's shit leaving them as babies when they're at school and at an age where memories will last I'll be there for all the holidays and we'll be able to do lots of stuff together. I think one of the problems people have is that I don't have to work.. we could manage with me staying home but we wouldn't have the luxury's in life that me working will provide. Camping holidays, holidays abroad, days out whenever we want. Also, if I don't work my husband wouldn't be able to have much time off work as he is self employed, but with us both working he can take lots of holidays to spend with us too.

A lot of my family/friends are SAHMs but I often have to listen to them moaning about their husbands working all hours to keep them in the life they want. All good and well driving round in an Audi with designer clothes but surly you can't complain that your husband has to work hard to provide you with these if you chose not to work?!

They say my argument of working to buy time together is void because I'm allowing someone else to raise my children. I never judge their lives or pass comment on their choices.. I personally think being a SAHM is far harder than going to work but it's all personal choice.

If you work.. do you feel judged? If so how do you make yourself feel better about it? I don't usually let people's opinions bother me, but when it comes to judging my parenting skills it does really hurt me. All mums carry enough guilt for one thing or another.. I don't need to be told I'm shit by others.

@Tipsylizard I was considering going back at around 4 months, I’m at a stage in my career where everything moves very quickly. I think it’ll be a hard 2 years but it’ll be worth it long term and when DC is older and I’m in a more senior role. (Currently pregnant)

Glad to hear that you’re happy with the balance you’ve struck though also worried that going back after 10 months/a year was considered early

I have done both as a mum of four...I have had periods where work stress has made me feel like it affected my mood enough to make me feel like 'bad' a parent. And periods of time where not working made me feel like a worse parent. Fifteen years in, I have come to the conclusion that it's all about getting the balance right. I need to work for my own self esteem, boosting our finances enough for kids to have hobbies & for me to have a life outside of home. Mine are 15/13/8 & 6. I don't think me working has negatively impacted their childhood. In fact, I definitely think it's enhanced it. My younger 2 have a second family in their Childminder & her kids & neighbours. My older 2 DD talk about their 'careers' like it's a given; they are keen to have jobs/professions & don't question it. So watching me have a Professional life & a home life/social life (mostly through colleagues & family) has been a positive influence on them which I hope will open many doors for them. Make it work for you & your own family OP.

I've not read every single response, but there are a lot of 'oh, it's OK if your child isn't in childcare 5 days a week'. Well, that's the judgement the OP is talking about!

My son is in nursery 5 days a week. He loves it there. It does mean that I only get to spend 2 hours a day with him and a lot of that is dominated by getting ready. The weekends seem very short.

My MIL is retiring early next year and it's planned for her to do 1 day a week childcare (mumsnet also thinks that's evil, we shouldn't expect grandparents to do childcare). But I don't think that will be an different to him being in nursery.

I don't think I'll stay full time forever, I am definitely hoping to reduce my hours in the next few years.

I feel absolutely no guilt. Childcare isn't the same as raising a child. You are raising your children. I work four days but that's partly because I'm not high enough up in my career to make it worthwhile financially to work full time.

You are also contributing to a pension pot that will protect you until the future and mean you're better able to provide for your family.

There is nothing in my world that feels as good as getting to the end of the working week and feeling so dang excited to see your kids! Then seeing their little faces light up when they see you at the door. Honestly. It's the best feeling.

I’m a SAHM. I’d just got back to work then 3 weeks later the pandemic hit and I was let go. Those 3 weeks were bloody magical! I was so excited that my DTs (also ivf babies) could be at nursery and with family, and I could be at work and was so excited for all the adventures they’d go on at nursery with other kids.

I paid thousands for my babies, and I’d love a job that would enable me to pay the thousands to put them in nursery Unfortunately I made a series of poor choices before kids and now don’t earn enough to cover the £25k full time nursery bill for the pair of them so it’s not financially worth it (we’ve joint finances so it’s all one pot) and we’d be down quite a bit overall per month.

I see many pitfalls to being a sahm, but not many to being a working mother. It must be amazing to know that if the shit hits the fan you can take care of you all, and if it doesn’t the extra money to save for the future (especially now) must be great.

Your friends really don’t sound very nice.

I dont know a single girl from my uni who doesn't work (we are all late 30s). So i assume most people pursue higher education to work. Even those who are wealthy or have a DH earning gazillions work at least part time. Quite a few changed track after kids.

I dont feel judged nor any guilt for working. I dislike my job though. I work for the money, so I do feel frustrated I'm doing something I dont enjoy, but that's for a different thread!

@PinkPlantCase I'm the same as you! I'm 9 months pregnant and I'm taking 4 months off work from next week.

The industry moves so fast and we cannot afford for me to back at a junior level as well as it now being part time.

So I will do 3 days a week from 4 months.

I'm terrified and the judgemental comments from every angle are unreal and really don't help. As a first time mum I don't know what to expect but I know it's going to be the hardest thing I've ever done.

Good luck with your pregnancy

@MrsSmith2020 oh I’m glad to hear that someone else is planning to do similar. I’m in the second trimester at the minute and everyone keeps telling me that I’ll change my mind once the baby is here

How have your workplace been about the 3 day weeks after the mat leave? I only told my workplace about the pregnancy quite recently so we haven’t got that far yet. I was thinking I’d do a bit of a phased return after the 4 months but wasn’t really sure how to pitch it to them.

I worked full time from when DT’s were six months old (normal maternity leave then). Financially I don’t need to work as DH is a high earner but I wanted to continue with my career. DT’s benefited hughly from nursery and as a family it benefited us all. Most of my friends have continued with their careers as did my DSis, DM, DMil and DSil.

Ignore everyone and just do what works best for you and your family.

Op you are fortunate to have the best type of job with children because of the holidays, that alone makes so much sense let alone, financial, enjoyment, career progression, and willing lovely grandparents to have them 3 days etc...You have the perfect set up.
Plus it would be unfair to leave the burden entirely to your DH without very good reason.

Most women would be delighted to have this option and still be able to spend 13 weeks off with them.....Please ignore your friends they are trying to justify their own choices....