Being a working Mum..

[2GinOrNot2Gin]

I don't really know what I want from this but just feeling a bit shit.

I have 2 kids, both IVF babies. I feel so incredibly blessed that I have my boys I didn't think it would ever happen once let alone twice. They are my world.

Because I'd resided myself to being childless I worked on my career and worked my way up in the education world to leadership level. I'm due back from maternity leave soon but people seem to pass very negative comments when I say I'm returning to work. I've had comments like why would you pay thousands to have your kids just to stick them in a nursery. And I'd of thought someone like you would want to cherish every moment of childhood.

I enjoy my job, and I feel like although it's shit leaving them as babies when they're at school and at an age where memories will last I'll be there for all the holidays and we'll be able to do lots of stuff together. I think one of the problems people have is that I don't have to work.. we could manage with me staying home but we wouldn't have the luxury's in life that me working will provide. Camping holidays, holidays abroad, days out whenever we want. Also, if I don't work my husband wouldn't be able to have much time off work as he is self employed, but with us both working he can take lots of holidays to spend with us too.

A lot of my family/friends are SAHMs but I often have to listen to them moaning about their husbands working all hours to keep them in the life they want. All good and well driving round in an Audi with designer clothes but surly you can't complain that your husband has to work hard to provide you with these if you chose not to work?!

They say my argument of working to buy time together is void because I'm allowing someone else to raise my children. I never judge their lives or pass comment on their choices.. I personally think being a SAHM is far harder than going to work but it's all personal choice.

If you work.. do you feel judged? If so how do you make yourself feel better about it? I don't usually let people's opinions bother me, but when it comes to judging my parenting skills it does really hurt me. All mums carry enough guilt for one thing or another.. I don't need to be told I'm shit by others.

I really feel for you OP and could definitely have written your post a few years ago. It's damned if you do, damned if you don't. I work (in a male dominated environment - which is entirely relevant in this case as it exacerbates the reactions) and have had comments ranging from the mild, to the extreme "why did you even bother to have them", and lots of "my wife gave up work when we had children". I've grown a thick skin and some balls. I answer back, not rudely, and explain my points of view. Which are a) I love my job b) I love having my own money c) I love my independence d) I'm proud of my achievements e) I'm a better Mum for being fulfilled in other aspects of life and so on and on and on.

As my kids grow, it gets easier. it's harder and harder to drag them out of afterschool club where they're having a ball with their mates, the time between leaving afterschool club and going to bed is getting longer so I feel I get to see them more, and best of all - they see their parents as equals and that gives me hope for a future where women like us don't have to feel like I did a few years ago and like you do right now.

I honestly thought I'd be the kind of mum who was a SAHM forever. That's what my mum did and I sort of thought it was best and probably did wonder a bit why people used FT childcare.

But then I did put my kids in childcare and honestly? I am so much better of a parent when I have a break from them. They become 100% more interesting due to me having had a break/change and them having a bit of an independent mysterious life separate from me. Honestly, I would struggle with them being in childcare 7-7 5 days a week (they aren't) but you know what, if that works for someone's family and their children are happy then why not? And it is not as though them being in nursery means that they are never at home - there are several waking hours before nursery, after nursery, and our weekends are so much better since they started to feel precious as we actually make the most of them now.

I burned out a bit with DS1. I'm not able to get the separation that I need to get from them when I'm a SAHM, it becomes unhealthy. Some people can do it and fair play to them, it's not for me. I do like being at home with them when they are tiny, but it is most likely to assauge my own guilt rather than actually really enjoying the experience TBH.

The thing is everyone is different and everyone's lives are different. They cannot judge you based on their personal views! They don't know your home/financial or career situation.
I personally wouldn't be a SAHM as I'm a nurse and need to keep my registration up. I also wouldn't work full time as I want to have a good work life balance and x 2 13 hour shifts a week is enough to keep my skills in my job role and have a balanced home life with my child being cared for by grandparents or my husband shifts depending.
What I'm trying to say is do what's best for you!! Do you feel you may regret any of these choices in the future? Or do you feel you have the right balance? If you feel you have the right balance then go with that.

First of all congratulations on your ivf success, me to. Detach from anyone who makes these comments to you. How dare they. Your life, your career, your children. You can have both, this is 2020 not 1920. It's harder to do both yes but your kids will love you no matter what. They'll see you as a great role model, 'our mum spent time with us, loved us and had a great career, she did it all!'.. they'll say proudly one day! If you want to work great. If you don't great. When I went back to work I didn't get comments like this but I did worry people thought it as when I said I was going back part time I'd sometime get the head tilt and smile and they'd say 'oh great not full time so you'll still be with them more'. Yes, I'm at home more than work because that suits me and my family best. You do whatever you want and don't let anyone make you feel bad because you're doing amazing, good luck! X

@ILovemyCatsSoSoMuch

I refuse to feel guilty over anything that a man would not be expected to feel guilty about.

Hear, hear.

OP, I’d be thinking about whether the peoole you’re hearing this stuff from are people you want in your life. I can honestly say that my job didn’t suddenly become optional when I had DS. It never occurred to me to stop working. I don’t know anyone who did stop, apart from in very specific circumstances.

I felt judged when I went back after having DC1, but it didn't change my decision to do it.

I was living in the Home Counties in a really affluent town and mixing in an NCT group with some incredibly wealthy couples. Only one other mum went back to work. I was just gobsmacked that these highly educated and experienced women were willing to abandon their careers. I didn't need to work, we could have survived without me working but I had similar concerns to you. I didn't want to go back full time and I was lucky enough to be professionally qualified and pretty employable. I didn't go back to my job in London but took a pay cut and found a part time job locally. It was absolutely the best thing for me and my family. I worked part time until both the kids were in school and I've never regretted it for a minute. The pros were: extra financial security, adult company and stimulation, holidays, really valuing the time with my babies, and crucially when I was ready I was able to pick up where I left off and got a big promotion when my youngest was 5. I went back to FT at that point.

10 years later, only one of those women has managed to get back into her career after staying home with the kids for years. The others are bitter, lonely and bored shitless.

If you have the type of career which can accommodate part time or compressed hours to give you a day or two at home each week I would definitely consider it. It was perfect for me.

Whatever you decide, please don't feel guilty. A PP posted some great advice above about giving your children the start and the end of the day and your total focus when you're with them. That's much easier if you can work genuinely part time.

@2GinOrNot2Gin

I don't really know what I want from this but just feeling a bit shit.

I have 2 kids, both IVF babies. I feel so incredibly blessed that I have my boys I didn't think it would ever happen once let alone twice. They are my world.

Because I'd resided myself to being childless I worked on my career and worked my way up in the education world to leadership level. I'm due back from maternity leave soon but people seem to pass very negative comments when I say I'm returning to work. I've had comments like why would you pay thousands to have your kids just to stick them in a nursery. And I'd of thought someone like you would want to cherish every moment of childhood.

I enjoy my job, and I feel like although it's shit leaving them as babies when they're at school and at an age where memories will last I'll be there for all the holidays and we'll be able to do lots of stuff together. I think one of the problems people have is that I don't have to work.. we could manage with me staying home but we wouldn't have the luxury's in life that me working will provide. Camping holidays, holidays abroad, days out whenever we want. Also, if I don't work my husband wouldn't be able to have much time off work as he is self employed, but with us both working he can take lots of holidays to spend with us too.

A lot of my family/friends are SAHMs but I often have to listen to them moaning about their husbands working all hours to keep them in the life they want. All good and well driving round in an Audi with designer clothes but surly you can't complain that your husband has to work hard to provide you with these if you chose not to work?!

They say my argument of working to buy time together is void because I'm allowing someone else to raise my children. I never judge their lives or pass comment on their choices.. I personally think being a SAHM is far harder than going to work but it's all personal choice.

If you work.. do you feel judged? If so how do you make yourself feel better about it? I don't usually let people's opinions bother me, but when it comes to judging my parenting skills it does really hurt me. All mums carry enough guilt for one thing or another.. I don't need to be told I'm shit by others.

I don't feel judged as I've got to the stage where I've stopped caring about what others think and it's life changing.

I'm a better Mum for being fulfilled in other aspects of life

This is true for me in spades.

I have perpetual guilt about my children v work. We all do... Go back to work, do what makes you happy. I am personally fantastic at mothering but bollocks at entertaining. My daughter and I after lengthy cuddles and whisperings of i love you, adoring each other and generally having regular love fests- still get very bored with each other. On Sundays she often says " am i seeing my friends today". She is vivacious, out going and inquiring, all of this has sod all to do with me, but the fantastic pros who look after her, while i earn a crust and keep sanity.
Maybe, i do get a teeny bit judgy of full time working mums WITH a nanny, who socialise every night, play tennis at the weekend etc etc. But only a bit- that could be envy.. I work and then race to pick kids up and enjoy every second ( until bedtime, lol) . Without my salary or my sanity, life would be very different for everyone.

Well you're damned if you do, damned if you don't. Go back to work FT - you're a heartless cow who doesn't care. Be a SAHP - you don't care about your career and happy to live off your OH. Go back PT - you're not interested in promotion and just clock watching at work.

Having been both a SAHP and a working mum, the judgement is pretty shitty either way. Just do what works for you and your kids.

I've done both and I'm a much better mum when I work. I only work 2 shifts a week and that's often nights so I am with my kids all the time and I'm there for every nursery event that's on but having that time away is a lifesaver for me. My work life balance is perfect. I also need that time to keep my skills up. I was a fairly young mum so I know I'll have time to work on my career when they go to school but for just now this works for us.
Also my husband lost his job after 10 years this year and was out of work for six months and we managed on my salary without having to change too much.

Thanks everyone! I feel better Bering all your choices and reasons.. Im the only one of my family/friends continuing to work so feel like the odd one out so it's lovely to hear from people like me! I defo feel Ill have a good balance, maybe not so much in these baby years but definitely when they're at school!

This really annoys me, I'd be distancing myself from these friends. I would put money on no one has said this to your husband!! My little girl loves nursery, she thrives there. Just because you become a mum (even if have paid thousands for it!) It doesn't mean you need to give up being yourself!!

I think one of the benefits of reaching leadership before having children is that you are in a better position to call some shots about the T&C you want.

I worked part time, but every day (until 2.30pm, think it worked out at about 0.8) while DS was in pre-prep so I could pick him up. Worked for school because I was there every day and for DS because it is nicer to go straight home after school at that age.

I went back full time when he went into the prep as then his day didn't finish until 5.20pm anyway, and he was ready to stay for some after school stuff until 6pm. Now (well, pre-covid) he demands to flexi board, so I get some nights when I can really pull a late if I need to.

I worked part time, but every day (until 2.30pm, think it worked out at about 0.8) while DS was in pre-prep so I could pick him up. Worked for school because I was there every day and for DS because it is nicer to go straight home after school at that age.

I should say, this also worked for me because I needed to go to work every day to remain human, but I also got long afternoons with him.

I would say pointedly “you know, it’s funny but my husband says he has never been asked that question. Isn’t is strange the sexism around the topic...”

I dont feel judged for working - in my circle its the norm for mums to work) - but i judge myself. When working i feel shit for being away from mine, when not working i feel shit for not providing for my family better!

Never felt judged.

And many of those happy to be SAHMs will probably feel less happy about it in 10 years time.

Do what feels right for you. And what feels right now may be different in a few years time - and that’s fine too.

Nope. And I would release hell fire on anyone daring to question my personal decision.

I don’t think that anyone would have that much courage to enter into that conversation with me.

After 7 miscarriage before getting my child I worked my arse off, long long hours, promotions, heart and soul into my work. I got to the top of my area.

I couldn’t actually afford to go back to work full time because of the childcare costs which were 3 times the cost of my mortgage.
SO I had to leave that job to get another, starting from the bottom rung, with evening & weekend working hours so I didn’t have to shell out for childcare costs.

That was a huge sacrifice for my precious baby.
Yes it was professional suicide but after 7 years, I’ve worked my way up again. I knew I would.

I have no interest in anyone’s opinion and make this clear.

Work is more than money. Would you really be fulfilled doing housework and childcare all day?

People are being very rude to make comments like that to you OP. It’s none of their business and I’d be wondering why they care so much about your choices and feel the need to tell you.

I’m going back to work part time soon after maternity leave. I don’t feel judged by anyone else (I don’t care what they think anyway) but I have had my own internal battle over what I think is best. I have my reasons for going back to work when I strictly don’t ‘have’ to, things like enjoying my job and wanting to contribute to my pension. I wouldn’t pass judgment on another parent’s choice about working or not and would be quite put out if anybody said anything to me about mine.

I was an educational leader and resigned after maternity. I didn't want the guilt. I now work 3 days a week at the bottom and I hate it. Financially we are struggling. Can't afford anything nice. Stressing when the car breaks down etc. My self esteem has been ruined. I've had interview after interview trying to get my career back but because I've had a break I'm lacking current experience. I regret it.

Belive you me. Work!
The nursery will do them good getting used to other children and other people and help them grow
Then as for work, your setting an example for starters. Then you need some you time! Normality, something more then just been a mum. As amazing as it is you need it to keep sane in my opinion
I worked with my first 2 then I had to leave as I fell pregnant and my other 2 dc fell seriously ill and now need full time care, and I'd honestly love to go back to my job , been something more then just a mum, having adult conversations, been able to get that breather and a break from home life and tbh mine loved nursery days an made some fab little friends their now in school with and when you pick them up and get a little picture and can see their progress. You need you time ! X

Fundamentally, I think a lot of men lose respect for their partner if they stay at home, and in many cases see a part time job as a hobby. That’s not a relationship I wanted to model for my children, even though I don’t think that’s how my husband would behave.

And that’s before we talk about throwing away 15+ years of professional qualifications and experience. Yes, it’s bloody hard when they are in nursery ( I worked part time then) but now they are both at school it’s so much easier, and it’s far easier to find high quality flexible employment from a good job in the first place.

After struggling for 3 years and having 3 miscarriages I went back to work when my little one was 7 months mostly because I am the breadwinner and had to pay the mortgage. My partner looked after him and had a couple of afternoons at nursery.
Although it was tough initially breastfeeding/pumping it saved me from horrible PND, gave me a purpose and now he is 2, I think it is great to show him a different family from the stereotypes. He enjoys nursery for the social contact and has become a lovely independent child.
I would say ignore everyone do what you need to especially if you have family for childcare and a couple of days in nursery is great for stimulation and social.