Being a working Mum..

[2GinOrNot2Gin]

I don't really know what I want from this but just feeling a bit shit.

I have 2 kids, both IVF babies. I feel so incredibly blessed that I have my boys I didn't think it would ever happen once let alone twice. They are my world.

Because I'd resided myself to being childless I worked on my career and worked my way up in the education world to leadership level. I'm due back from maternity leave soon but people seem to pass very negative comments when I say I'm returning to work. I've had comments like why would you pay thousands to have your kids just to stick them in a nursery. And I'd of thought someone like you would want to cherish every moment of childhood.

I enjoy my job, and I feel like although it's shit leaving them as babies when they're at school and at an age where memories will last I'll be there for all the holidays and we'll be able to do lots of stuff together. I think one of the problems people have is that I don't have to work.. we could manage with me staying home but we wouldn't have the luxury's in life that me working will provide. Camping holidays, holidays abroad, days out whenever we want. Also, if I don't work my husband wouldn't be able to have much time off work as he is self employed, but with us both working he can take lots of holidays to spend with us too.

A lot of my family/friends are SAHMs but I often have to listen to them moaning about their husbands working all hours to keep them in the life they want. All good and well driving round in an Audi with designer clothes but surly you can't complain that your husband has to work hard to provide you with these if you chose not to work?!

They say my argument of working to buy time together is void because I'm allowing someone else to raise my children. I never judge their lives or pass comment on their choices.. I personally think being a SAHM is far harder than going to work but it's all personal choice.

If you work.. do you feel judged? If so how do you make yourself feel better about it? I don't usually let people's opinions bother me, but when it comes to judging my parenting skills it does really hurt me. All mums carry enough guilt for one thing or another.. I don't need to be told I'm shit by others.

I'm a sahm at the moment. Some people think that's great, others judge me for it. I don't think you can ever win over everyone op. Do what's best for your family and ignore everyone else.

I'm a SAHM and we came to that decision as a family. A few of these comments are judgemental and downright presumptuous of the work it takes to be a SAHM so you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.

Do what's right for you, you have to live with your decision not your so called friends.

OP, I work and am very happy to do so. I have a wonderful relationship with my daughter. It fills me with concern when I see women happily giving up their independence, earning potential and out of home identity. It may feel great when the kids are little and the relationship is rosy, but kids grow up, relationships change, people become ill, and if that happens you'll be glad you retained your independence.

There was a great thread on here a few years back asking 50+ women what advice they would give to their younger selves. The two that came up again and again were, "don't give up the career" and "divorce him sooner". I am happily married but I'm very glad I have my own career and earning power. Plus it's made all the difference since my DH sustained an injury at work two years ago that has left him unable to work. Our lives would look very different now if I had chucked in the towel when DD was born.

I've always worked. There was a time I liked the idea of being a sahm but it just wasn't for me. I needed to work for my own sanity, mental health and I wanted to be financially secure (as it turned out this was one of the best decisions I made). My dc have always been happy and enjoyed their time at nursery. It's horses for courses tbh, what suits once doesn't suit another. It does make me laugh though as I bet no one has ever made those comments to your dh

Fwiw, I absolutely DON'T feel guilty. What would be the point of guilt? I'm not going to either quit work or increase from 4 days to 5, I'm really happy with my arrangement right now, so I refuse to torture myself pointlessly. Guilt is a useless emotion. Throw it overboard.

I really do think you'd benefit a lot from connecting with other working mums. It's meant a lot to me, emotionally and practically, to have friends and peers who are also doing the "career + young DC" thing. Is there a working parents network where you are? A professional women network in your field? Or similar.

My baby isn’t even born yet and my family are really in at me to work less hours. Saying I’ll never see my child. Don’t I want to put them first.

They’re currently 11 weeks along and the size of a sprout.

@AluminumMonster

I'm a SAHM and we came to that decision as a family. A few of these comments are judgemental and downright presumptuous of the work it takes to be a SAHM so you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.

Do what's right for you, you have to live with your decision not your so called friends.

I don't think anyone on here has been judgemental towards SAHMs.. this thread isn't about staying home, It's been compared but not in a negative way. Quite a few have said it's easier to go to work than stay home. Being a full time mum is hard no one has said it isn't. Some of the things I think you're referring to are not digs at SAHMs but benefits of working. If I'd asked about staying home and everyone comments about benefits of work then that's different but people are only offering me reassurance, not judging the other side.

@Coriandersucks
No I'm definitely not short sighted thanks 😊. I was simply pointing out to OP that her circumstances may not be matched by those around her. The crippling cost of childcare is the reality of returning to work for many mums which some cannot justify. I returned to work when my first born was 9months old so I'm not one of those you mention in your post "having their cake & eating it".

I’ve been both, I was a sahm until my youngest was 2 and now I work almost full time. I love my job and I also love the financial security it gives us having two incomes. I work 4 days a week 12.30-10pm but it means we always have extra cash for days out etc. I think what’s most important is that your family and home life is happy, not what other people think.

@CountFosco

You need new friends. As you've said both you and your DH working allows both of you to enjoy the children and your working lives. If your SAHM 'friends' don't appreciate accept that then says more about them than you.

There are many advantages to both parents working.

1. Less pressure on either of you to be the family provider
2. Diversification in case of redundancy (I have a friend who was a teacher but gave it up when she had children. Her DH is in a career destroyed by the pandemic. If she had kept working when they had kids they'd be fine now, instead they are on UC)
3. Both can work shorter hours and spend time with the DC
4. Good example for the DC that men and women can both work and do housework rather than gender stereotype roles
5. More money than relying on a single career
6. Affairs are more likely in relationships where there is an imbalance in financial contributions (i.e. traditional men who like a wife at home also like to be traditional and sleep with their secretary)
7. Financial security in the case of death of your spouse.

I'm sorry but your 6th point is absolutely ridiculous

@ILovemyCatsSoSoMuch

I refuse to feel guilty over anything that a man would not be expected to feel guilty about.

Im going to embroider this on a cushion.

@CountFosco

You need new friends. As you've said both you and your DH working allows both of you to enjoy the children and your working lives. If your SAHM 'friends' don't appreciate accept that then says more about them than you.

There are many advantages to both parents working.

1. Less pressure on either of you to be the family provider
2. Diversification in case of redundancy (I have a friend who was a teacher but gave it up when she had children. Her DH is in a career destroyed by the pandemic. If she had kept working when they had kids they'd be fine now, instead they are on UC)
3. Both can work shorter hours and spend time with the DC
4. Good example for the DC that men and women can both work and do housework rather than gender stereotype roles
5. More money than relying on a single career
6. Affairs are more likely in relationships where there is an imbalance in financial contributions (i.e. traditional men who like a wife at home also like to be traditional and sleep with their secretary)
7. Financial security in the case of death of your spouse.

Count you have it in a nutshell. This is exactly why DH and I share the work/ life stuff. Luckily we are both in professional roles and can work shorter hours while still enjoying a good income. Plus we get to spend time with the DS's

I hate the term "working mum" like our primary role is rising children.

You work like your husband works, I bet no one every makes him feel guilty about being a "working dad". This is the patriarchy keeping women in their place

I have always worked full time. I have no guilt whatsoever. Why would I? DD is a happy, healthy, well-adjusted kid and we have a fantastic relationship. She's proud of the work that I do and I wouldn't change anything about the way she has turned out.

I spent my teenage years desperately wishing that my sahm would go out and get a job, because she was so bored and depressed at home. I am happy that I have been able to model a great balance for my dd, of how to have a meaningful and fulfilling career while also having a rich and happy family life.

I went back to work when ds1 was 1, had a year off on mat leave after ds2 was born 1.5 years later, and am now back at work 4 days a week. Both dcs have gone to nursery from the age of 1.

Working 4 days is definitely better than 5, but even when ds1 was in nursery full time, I couldn't have cared less what anyone thought about our choices. He is an amazing little boy, they both are. It never felt like 'someone else was raising them'. We still spent loads of time together in the morning, evening and weekend, and my dh and I both have lovely relationships with both the dcs.

I found since having ds1 that I have very little space in my life, in my mind, to care about what other people think of me. It is honestly irrelevant. We do what we have to do - other people can do likewise. I have no idea if anyone thought poorly of me for going back to work full time.

I can safely say though that a child can go to nursery 4 or 5 days a week, and still be a wonderful child, and still have a really happy , meaningful and special relationship with their parents. Anyone who says otherwise is quite simply wrong.

I found since having ds1 that I have very little space in my life, in my mind, to care about what other people think of me.

I've actually found that's one of the best things about working and having DC. I'm too busy doing stuff that matters to get stuck in my own head or to ruminate on stuff. Having DC has been surprisingly good for my mental health. Also with getting older I just don't give a fuck any more.

Hello
I am new to posting on here but read a lot!

I just had to join and post to this thread!
All the older women in my family have worked due to not being able to afford not to so for me it was what you do. As my generation is here (siblings and cousins etc) they don't work there is only 2 of us out of 8 mothers that work and you know what we spend more time with our children than the rest. The problem is people spend too much time judging other mothers rather than focusing on their own...most working moms look after their own and stay away from the drama because quite frankly we don't have time. I miss nothing at the school, dd has every project me and oh take her to every club and it teaches her she decides her own future and earns her own money. Whilst i would pt due to childcare i earn almost as much as oh, no i am not in a particularly professional role but i work hard and i am appreciated by my bosses due to my hard work. When dd started nursery out of 14 mothers i was the only one that worked, as i have since dd was 1 and i came off maternity leave as their children got older they are struggling to find school hour jobs etc i am not i work school hours take dd to school and pick her up every day mainly because I didnt take that break i worked hard and when my last job became intolerable due to other staff (that was school hours too) i was lucky enough to find another job with the hours i needed because i kept working all along i was able to show people what i could do and my skills and experience were upto date.

Teaching your child you have to earn money to have what you want or even to just survive is the most valuable skill imo and it help your child in more ways than you know!

I find the balance really hard. Whatever you do involves compromises. There are a lot of sahms at my daughter’s school and she is one of the few in reception in after school clubs. I do feel quite guilty about that but for us the benefits of me working (first v part time and then 4 longer days are):

• security of having dual income to mitigate risk of redundancy, Ill health etc
• pension provision
• option of private school for secondary (and tbh this is the biggest driver as the private are amazing and the state schools in catchment pretty rubbish)
• I think nursery is beneficial and mine have done well there- I think they’d both be climbing the walls without it.

I don’t know enough about my youngest’s personality yet but my eldest needs to be busy. Holiday camps, activities, after school clubs suit her in a way that wouldn’t be the case for every child (lots of reception children seem to still be going in kicking and screaming or just crying with exhaustion after a normal day).

The thing I’m most sad about though is not being able to facilitate lots of evening clubs etc and that is one of the downsides of working full time. I also hope my youngest has a similar personality to my eldest otherwise will be looking at an after school nanny for school as we’ve been lucky with how well my eldest has coped with wrap around care. I know that is not guaranteed for my youngest. All the juggling is also quite stressful.

I’ve done both. As a Mum your judged no matter what you do. Just do what is right for you and your family.

My eldest is 15. I have 3. I have a good mix of working mum and SAHM friends, none of us has ever, ever passed judgement on each other’s works choices. In fact even privately I absolutely support each of them in their choices and I can genuinely see how they make sense in their particular circumstances. Not that it matters a bit what I think about their situations. You need new less judgemental friends. Even thinking of saying this to someone is really overstepping.

From working in early years myself and having a child in nursery from 1 you can tell the difference in development from children who went to nursery before three and those who didn't so not only are you helping yourself by working you are also helping your child

Judging people will judge no matter what you choose. I went back to work at 12 weeks after their due date, so when they were between 10-11weeks old. And they were in nursery full time even as tiny babies. Yes I got a lot of judgement for that. One woman even said my children might as well be orphans! But similarly, I have SAHM friends and they have gotten judgement too for their choice.

Oh honestly, just ignore it all. You can’t win. According to some people

Go to work and you’re abandoning your children for someone else to raise

Stay at home and you’re not contributing anything to society and just sit around at home all day....

Both options are hard. Juggling work and kids has it’s challenges. Being home with kids full time can be utterly exhausting mentally while also not mentally stimulating. Absolutely no reason to feel bad for having a career too. As an aside, my DS absolutely loves his nursery and it’s been wonderful for his development so I have zero guilt about sending him.

Ignore your friends, it is your choice, not theirs! I don't understand them, I'm a SAHM after previously working p/t (thanks, covid redundancy) and I wouldn't say that one thing is right or wrong, it's whatever works for you.

Before you know it, your kids will be at school, the early years go quickly and you will have a job rather than having to start again. It is nice to have time with them, but there is a lot to be said for the financial security and you will have holidays with them. It's not being negative to see having a job as a plus point if you ever split with your partner. It's realistic as it does happen.

I went back to work after both my children at 10 months and 12 months respectively and am in a senior leadership role. It is hard but in my view worth it. The kids went to a great nursery part time and had a part time nanny (who feels like part of the family and is still with us). I have retained my independence and kept my career on track. I know mums who said they couldnt go back to work at the time but are now telling me how unfair it is they cant get a role at their previous level. Frustrating for them but not really a surprise.

I enjoy my job and the mental challenge and financial security it brings me (a reaction to a financially precarious upbringing). There are compromises to be made - sometimes you will feel.like you are not doing a good job at home or work- no such thing as having it all! But for me it has been worth it - my kids are happy, confident and thriving and DH and I still have good well paid.jobs. It does get easier as they get older and I do have flexibility in my day (one of the benefits of being the boss ) so do as many drop offs/pick ups as possible.