I have neglected my beautiful twins

[OCDMe]

I have a history of OCD which was quite well controlled until I had my twins in March this year. Unfortunately, since then it has spiralled out of control, probably a combination of postnatal hormones, a quite traumatic birth and this awful pandemic. DH is a great dad and has been very supportive. I've started getting some help and the fog is starting to lift. But I am now terrified and devastated at the thought that I've been neglecting my babies.

They have always been clean, fed, warm and adequately cared for, but sadly I've spent far more time scrubbing the house than I have holding them or engaging with them, right from the beginning really. At any time they have cried or fussed, I've soothed them and played with them for a while. Plus maybe another 3 or 4 times per day in 5 minute bursts. But they've spent most of their days in bouncers or on the play mat with baby sensory videos on the TV while I have been cleaning, washing or sterilising things. The irony is that my biggest worry has been protecting them (from germs), I've been absolutely obsessed by it. But I never stopped to think that I was actually neglecting them by not interacting with them very much. I'm so scared that they will have some sort of mental health problems now (like me) or developmental issues because of what a bad mum I've been. They are quite happy and smiley, they laugh a lot, but they don't really like being cuddled which is not surprisingly really

Is it too late to fix this? This is the first night they've slept though in weeks and I've lay awake all night crying! I feel like I don't deserve to have these babies and I will never forgive myself for the start they have had in life.

OCD is the worst. Mine likes to spiral periodically. I had horrific postnatal OCD. I'd never known what it really was before. Nor the severity and control it has over you.

Your twins will be fine. Are you now seeking help? Have you got ways to stop the compulsions? But please don't sit and ruminate on this. You will spiral again.

But they will be fine. Their basic needs have been met. There'll be lots more people on soon.

I had something like this. I was absolutely obsessed with my inability to breastfeed, and spent so long worrying about it and researching the benefits of breastfeeding (which I couldn't do, so was just punishing myself) instead of spending time with my baby. I beat myself up for a long time. Like you, ironically I was worrying because I loved my baby so much.

The thing is, one, you haven't neglected your babies - they are happy and loved, and you have met their needs. And two, they will need a lot more of you as they grow up, and you will have a million more opportunities to be the mum you want to be. My DD is 7 now and loves cuddling and is a very happy, loving child - I promise you she has not been affected by a few minutes less attention when she was tiny, and neither will your twins.

You were unwell, and now you are getting better.

Try very very hard to focus on what you can do today to have the sort of day you really want with your twins.

Please be kind to yourself. I think your twins will be fine and the best thing you can do today is sit and look at their gorgeous faces and sing or read books to them.

I'm so glad you're feeling better

Thank you all. Your kind responses have made me feel a lot better. I am indeed seeking help, it's taken a while to get anywhere due to covid but I am having telephone appointments now.

Sorry to hear that you have suffered with this sort of thing too @Anise7438 and @frostedcart, I hope things are good for you at the moment

It sounds like you've done a grand job, actually, given these awful circumstances. It must have been incredibly difficult with no help and the looming fear of Covid. I, too, have this condition and found that the pandemic 'set me off' quite a bit. Sertraline helped me, quite a bit.
Don't worry - you're aware you were getting set off and that's actually better than you think. It's the only way you can start getting a handle on OCD. And twins, well, they are a huge amount of work with all the support and no pandemic! You will get there. You're doing the best you can, it's good and it's enough.

Your children will be fine. You've cuddled them when they cried, you've played with them at other times, their dad has held them...they've had lots of affection. You're doing a great job xx

Thinking ahead but . . .

Depending on how close the twins are as they grow up you may have a different relationship to them compared to non multiples as maybe they look to each other first before seeking mum

If this does happen it won't be because of the first few months and your behaviour - it's because they have an extra special relationship with each other!

Don't forget that your twins have had each other as well as you and their dad. You met their most important needs despite being so ill yourself. You are doing a great job in difficult circumstances. Please be kind to yourself

In our parents' generation when housework took much longer to complete, babies were put in a pram at the bottom of the garden or left in a playpen for hours at a time. What you describe was the normal babyhood experience of their generation and many generations before that.

I had PND with DC1 and wish I had sought help like you are doing. The guilt was awful. Now adult DC1 is absolutely fine. I wish somebody had told me that it would all be OK.

Look after yourself. You're a great mum.

There are loads of us who grew up with mothers who fed us and put us down. I was left for hours every day outside - no one knew if I cried! I am fine and close to my mum.

There is no right or wrong way to parent. People do it very differently. Think about other countries, other cultures. If on your road, there are 5 families with kids, I can tell you that none of them will be doing it the same.

You're doing it your way. Think about maslows heiracrchy of needs. Are they all being met? From your post it sounds like they are.

We all want to do things better or differenty. We all have shit days, weeks or times. Good parents recognise when things could be better and work towards achieving that. A good parent isn't one that does or doesn't do certain things.

Get your OCD back under control. Start to live in the present a bit more with the twins. And start to be kinder to yourself. Babies are hard work. You need to recharge your batteries every now and again to cope.

You've played with them 3 or 4 times a day, for 5 minutes at a time? Sorry, but that is quite a small amount of mummy time, in my view.

What are you actually doing about addressing your OCD? When did you last speak to your GP?

Havevthey been interacting with each other in that time?

Corianderblues OP made it quite clear that she is a responsive mother and that playtime is not the only time she spends with her babies.

They have always been clean, fed, warm and adequately cared for...at any time they have cried or fussed, I've soothed them and played with them for a while. Plus maybe another 3 or 4 times per day in 5 minute bursts.

Despite her serious illness OP has cared for newborn twins in a pandemic. The woman needs a medal not catty unconstructive comments.

You say yourself OP that they have always been safe, fed, warm and clean. Getting help is a huge step and you should be proud of yourself, you were poorly but you'll be in a better place to play, interact and engage. Please be kind to yourself, I know it's hard but try to concentrate on looking forward instead of glancing back, I really doubt there's any long term harm done.

The key thing is getting your OCD under control - what's done is done but there's plenty of time to change your actions. As they get more independent you might find it more difficult with your OCD - my DD put everything in her mouth for a good 18 months, yesterday I saw a toddler licking playground equipment.

Maybe set yourself a daily play target? They are probably starting to get interested in toys and exploring new textures so maybe set up a treasure box for them to play with, switch off the TV and play with them for 10 minutes.

@CorianderBlues

You've played with them 3 or 4 times a day, for 5 minutes at a time? Sorry, but that is quite a small amount of mummy time, in my view.

You don’t say - OP knows this and this is why she is posting

Absolutely please be kind to yourself. I have twins and look back on that first year as survival mode. My experience felt very different to many friends, getting out to classes was a huge mission, couldn’t get the double buggy even into the drs surgery for many classes. I don’t have all those lovely photos everyone else has, it was head down, get on and do. And that’s without dealing with OCD.

They are fine, I promise you. There are great times ahead for the playing, going out, all that stuff. My two have a great bond with both me and DH, apart from the odd teenage strop.

@CorianderBlues

What an uncaring comment - you clearly don't understand the seriousness of OCD and how debilitating it actually is.

OP it sounds like you're doing a great job considering the circumstances. I also suffer from OCD and it was the worst it had ever been after the birth of my daughter. If you need some help OCD action are really good, maybe have a look at their website if you haven't already?

I'm sorry to hear you've been having a tough time . It's very unlikely that you've done any sort of long-term emotional harm to your babies.

I was finishing my degree when DS was born and so I spend a lot of time breastfeeding him while typing on a computer table above him. When he was bigger, he spent a fair amount of time in a playpen while I studied. I do look back on that time with a fair amount of guilt, but needs must.

What I did do, which might help you, especially as they are getting older now, was schedule 'activity times' throughout the day. So in the morning, we'd read books for half an hour, then we'd go for a walk, then after lunch we'd have more tummy and playmat time with toys, then singing songs and actions and clapping. Then we'd do bathtime with bath books and then he'd enjoy lying with nothing on on a few towels for a bit and just kicking his legs.

It might help you to have a structure where you do certain things with them at certain times, and then you'd worry less about the rest of the time.

www.ocdaction.org.uk/

I have twins who are nearly 2 and I went through something similar to yourself. It doesn't sound like you've neglected them at all. They've been clean, fed, warm and secure. They've had attention and care from 2 loving parents. You have soothed and cuddled them throughout the day. Kids need consistent soothing and cuddling, it's the frequency, not the length of this is interaction which is important. Having 5 X 10 minute snuggle sessions in a day is much better for them than long periods of time with you. If your babies were prem, as twins often are, it can hurt them to cuddle for too long so shorter cuddles are best.
Welcome to the world of twin mum guilt. Get used to it, you have 2 babies and you try to give each the same amount of attention as you would if you had one baby, it can't be done but they'll be fine 👍😀 I worry constantly but the boys seem fine it doesn't seem to have done them any harm. You said your babies are happy and smiley so believe them, if they were unhappy they'd let you know! Xx

I don’t have OCD so don’t have any advice about that but just wanted to say be kind to yourself - you’re doing your best and that’s all anyone can do.

Anyone else pondering what else they did with their babies?