I have neglected my beautiful twins

[OCDMe]

I have a history of OCD which was quite well controlled until I had my twins in March this year. Unfortunately, since then it has spiralled out of control, probably a combination of postnatal hormones, a quite traumatic birth and this awful pandemic. DH is a great dad and has been very supportive. I've started getting some help and the fog is starting to lift. But I am now terrified and devastated at the thought that I've been neglecting my babies.

They have always been clean, fed, warm and adequately cared for, but sadly I've spent far more time scrubbing the house than I have holding them or engaging with them, right from the beginning really. At any time they have cried or fussed, I've soothed them and played with them for a while. Plus maybe another 3 or 4 times per day in 5 minute bursts. But they've spent most of their days in bouncers or on the play mat with baby sensory videos on the TV while I have been cleaning, washing or sterilising things. The irony is that my biggest worry has been protecting them (from germs), I've been absolutely obsessed by it. But I never stopped to think that I was actually neglecting them by not interacting with them very much. I'm so scared that they will have some sort of mental health problems now (like me) or developmental issues because of what a bad mum I've been. They are quite happy and smiley, they laugh a lot, but they don't really like being cuddled which is not surprisingly really

Is it too late to fix this? This is the first night they've slept though in weeks and I've lay awake all night crying! I feel like I don't deserve to have these babies and I will never forgive myself for the start they have had in life.

honestly don't worry - my son was in hospital for months when he was first born and I could not cuddle him etc.

we were fine and no problems .

just relax and make up for it now , enjoy every day with them ,

The cuddling thing..seems random to me. DD and DS were brought up exactly the same, though she is 1.5 years older than him. She has always hated physical contact, except for when she gets in very affectionate moods sometimes (usually only towards me or her dad, but sometimes other family too), where he would hug the postman if we let him!

I am glad you are getting better, and from what you have wrote, there has been no neglect here so don't worry about that.

In a professional capacity I have seen child neglect and i can assure you, this is not neglect
Your Children are fed,interacted with,held in regard,cuddled,spoken to,you’re also fretting are you doing enough (so you think of their needs ongoing)
Plus you and your dh are a team

I wish you well going forward. Please be kind to yourself

A good friend of mine went through this. Her twins were also prem so this added to her anxiety. She got the help she needed when the twins were about a year old (both with the kids and for herself).
And be reassured her girls are now 10, both emotionally stable, happy and fun to be around. Make sure you are being kind to yourself.

@converseandjeans

They sound fine and I am pretty sure this was normal in the 60s 70s. I was born in the 70s and my Mum never played with me or took me out places. I think actually there's too much pressure to conform to a certain way nowadays. They will probably grow up much more independent and able to self settle and entertain themselves. They also have each other. I do feel sorry for people who have just had babies in the pandemic. Can you try to meet up with friends?

That's quite an irresponsible thing to say bearing in mind the research done into the negative effect of the inattentive and detached parenting styles of the 50s upwards, until relatively recently.

That's not to say I believe that is the situation with the OP - so, OP, please try not to beat yourself up. You understand the issue and are seeking help. Your babies will be fine and you and your DH will work as a team to be the best parents you can.

None of us is perfect and we can only do the best we can - awareness is the key x

They will be fine, they have been fed, cleaned and had their physical needs met. They need social interaction but as twins they will get that with each other as there is a bond there which they have with each other as well as the bond they have with you.

@CorianderBlues

You've played with them 3 or 4 times a day, for 5 minutes at a time? Sorry, but that is quite a small amount of mummy time, in my view.

Tell us about your parenting then, you'd better not be anything less than perfect

The start theyve had is two parents who love them very much. You have fed them and cleaned them and comforted them when they were sad or scared and played with them and kept them entertained.

Could you have done things differently or "better" in hindsight? My twins are 3 months older than yours and I tell you, we all could. Twins are hard. All babies are hard bit newborn twins? You have to be there to realise how hard it is, and that's without lockdown.

Keep getting the help, make sure Dad does his share of childcare and keep loving them

I can't imagine how tough it must be to have twins! One baby is tricky enough!

OP you have to let go of the guilt. It is pointless, put your energy into your twins instead. Try and build up the cuddles slowly. When you play get down on the floor and play with them (if you don't already).

I spent too much time on housework too it was a coping strategy. Few of us are perfect parents! Be kinder to yourself.

Big hug. Sounds like your babies are fine. They have each other so they've certainly not been deprived of human interaction. Enjoy them as much as you can now, but don't beat yourself up about it. x

Ah my love.

I’m sorry you’re not well. I hope you’re getting help now.

I can 100% guarantee you that your babies are and will be totally fine. They were fed, warm, clean and loved. As another poster pointed out, this was par for the course years ago.

Be kind to yourself - talk to your therapist if you have one about it. My twins are now 11, I had the same feelings as you for a while. I promise you they will not care and it will make no difference to them.

I don't see any neglect in what you describe. You've always cuddled them when they cried and then cuddled them just for the sake of it multiple times a day! They sound like very contented babies.

I haven't RTT but if you recognise you have OCD, please try to consider if/when you are displacing elements of OCD to your view of your parenting.

Good luck.

@OCDMe it sounds like you've been doing a brilliant job despite huge challenges. You should be proud of that and for recognising you're not ok and seeking help.

As others have said, you've probably been doing far more with them that you give yourself credit for.
Do you have an understanding health visitor? I know most contact is by phone or online at the moment but they will do visits if extra support is needed.

Ditto, your local children's centre. In my area they are running groups and 1-2-1 sessions face to face if needed (the HV could refer).

Don't be afraid to say you're struggling, it's absolutely ok. Christ, putting aside the OCD, you had twins at the start of a pandemic which is huge! Support hasn't been there as it usually would, lack of socialising and baby groups and being stuck at home much more than you probably would have been this summer.

I second the suggestion of looking into some attachment parenting stuff online to get some ideas if you are worried.
I'm sure you know about encouraging lots of tummy time and talking to your babies lots and you probably do all this already but a reminder is helpful when our brain is in a fog.

Take care and be kind to yourself. You've got this.

I have twins - having twins is way more work than one baby so please don’t beat yourself up . I spent a lot of that first year in survival mode as a PP put it so well . If you have twin babies you have way less time for each baby individually and, unlike singletons , you can’t even put them both in a sling as you do housework . Mine were in hospital for a long time ( 9 weeks) so I missed out on a lot of bonding time. I was pretty ill and in high dependency at first so I didn’t even see my babies for a while after they were born . They stayed on in hospital and I had to go home which means that my babies weren't even with me overnight . After discharge we had lots of outpatient appointments and an extensive drug schedule which took time to administer . I also had borderline OCD because I was warned by the hospital that my very prem babies were vulnerable to infection so I was pretty obsessive about germs so I was cleaning and washing a lot . I’m saying all of this because I worried a lot about bonding. Fast forward 17 years and I seem to have a lovely set of normal well adjusted twins who are actually more affectionate than your average teenager . Please don’t be hard on yourself - you are not neglecting them but doing a great job in challenging circumstances . Also Please don’t listen to any harsh critics who don’t understand the unique challenges ( and rewards !) that having twins brings. It is completely different to having one baby or two children of different ages . I think half the battle is recognising your OCD and seeking help which you have done . ( As an aside the other thing I found helpful was that someone gifted me a membership of a local twins club . It actually covered a wide local area but they put groups of mums in touch who had babies roughly the same age and it helped to be able to talk to others facing similar challenges . They had buddies and also a helpline for specific issues so you could chat to someone who has been in a similar situation- I have twin mum friends who are still close friends today. It was really helpful and helped me understand that some challenges and opportunities are just different if you have twins , triplets or more. As was also a useful forum for selling on baby stuff ) Your babies sound absolutely gorgeous . My two just loved being together - and ( most of the time!) still do - and soon you will see how super lucky they are to have a 100 percent available playmate when they are preschoolers to give them full attention - and whilst parents have an important role in baby development, no mum or dad is ever going to be able to do that . Take care .

I think that you've probably given them a lot more time than you realise! At only a few months old that will have been a lot of feeds, washes, nappy changes, dressing, soothing etc. So that will be a lot more time interacting with them than you are giving yourself credit for.

The thing about humans is that we are mutable. If, and it’s a big if from your description, the babies experienced a lack of attachment, the script beliefs that that forms can be changed and will be changed by your new focus on attachment. Be kind to yourself and consider that just maybe, despite your struggles, you’ve been a Good Enough mum and that’s what your babies need.

I have twins, honestly those first few months were a blur, I also spent a lot of time cleaning or with my eldest as he was only just turning 2 when the twins were born.

I actually found my twins settled better and interacted with each other a lot in the beginning. They are 9 next week and now don't tolerate each other much 😂 but back then they really responded well to being with each other. I was just food 😂.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

Hi op I have twins. When they were born, dd had just turned 2, so I had my hands full. You are being way too hard on yourself.

Mine spent quite a lot of time in their bouncers, or on their play-mat, during the day. Dh works long hours and I was on my own with 3 small children. Dd was a toddler, and running around everywhere, so I had to leave them in their bouncers a fair amount just to get anything done! It wasn’t ideal but they were always happy and I made sure to keep music on and mobiles/toys for them to have something to interact with.

Try and set a time aside every day for you to spend one on one time with each of them. I’d put dd in bed by 7.30 and then spend a couple of hours playing with the boys or just cuddling them before bed. Also, when you leave them in their bouncers, face them towards each other so they can interact. My boys loved this and would giggle and babble for ages. A sling is also helpful. I’d strap one on me while I was making lunch or just tidying up and then swap them over. You can still clean while they’re strapped on you and you’re spending time with them while cleaning. I do think you need professional help for your ocd so please look into getting some.

Be kind to yourself. You’ve identified a problem and you’re looking to fix it. It’s definitely not too late. Babies are very resilient and you haven’t done any lasting damage to them. Just start off making small changes and take it from there. Pm if you need to, I’m happy to support you any way i can.

OP be kind to yourself. I was similar to you and my twins are 12 now. I wasn’t so much obsessed with cleaning and sanitising, but with order and routine. I spent so much time trying to be perfect and organised.

My twins are wonderful and we have a great bond. I will say however, that my relationship with my twins has always been different to what I observe with friends who had single babies (especially PFBs) and with my younger baby - not that I love them any less. Their reliance on me has never been as strong. The very nature of twins means that they are more likely to have been looked after/fed/comforted by other people than me. The upside is that they have fantastic bonds with other family members and with each other (although they claim to hate each other at times!).

@Quillink

Corianderblues OP made it quite clear that she is a responsive mother and that playtime is not the only time she spends with her babies.

They have always been clean, fed, warm and adequately cared for...at any time they have cried or fussed, I've soothed them and played with them for a while. Plus maybe another 3 or 4 times per day in 5 minute bursts.

Despite her serious illness OP has cared for newborn twins in a pandemic. The woman needs a medal not catty unconstructive comments.

Well said.

It doesn't sound like you've neglected them in a way that would 'damage' them. And six months is still so early - my kids are 13, 11 and 7 now and keeping me busier than ever. You've got a lot of time left.

To be clear, I too worry about phases in my kids' life when I wasn't in the best place and not as responsive as I would have wanted to be, and how that has affected them. I suspect you'd be hard pressed to find a mother who doesn't have thoughts like that.

Hats off to you for getting on top of the OCD - don't expect too much of yourself.

Lots of sympathy from another OCD sufferer, OP. To be honest, you can’t win with OCD. I had a bad flare-up after DD was born, but mine revolved around obsessive thoughts about her health/ constant paranoia that everyone was judging my parenting. I look back and worry that I made her over-anxious because I was constantly in her face and never gave her a couple of minutes just to chill and look at her environment, when with hindsight she’s clearly the kind of personality who needs her quiet sometimes and likes cuddles on her own terms. I look at my friend’s second and third babies - who still get some mummy playtime but also have to go with the flow and fit in around their siblings’ schedules much of the time - and they seem so much more chilled and happier than DD ever was as a baby. So sometimes I worry that I did more harm than good with my neurotic over-parenting and conviction that DD needed constant meaningful interaction. However, I’m also far enough outside the other side to know that it’s my OCD telling me I’m a bad mother.

I don't think how much a baby likes cuddles relates to how much they are cuddled. My son is extremely cuddly, he cried the second you put him down until he was about 4 months old. That's just how he was built. He still has a lot of cuddles and gets carried around a lot as a 2yo.

You sound like you've done an amazing job OP, I think a lot of a baby's temperament is inbuilt and don't take it as a sign of something you've done wrong that they don't want cuddles. Having a baby is hard work, we all have guilt about something or other but it sounds like you have cared for your babies.

They have always been clean, fed, warm and adequately cared for...at any time they have cried or fussed, I've soothed them and played with them for a while. Plus maybe another 3 or 4 times per day in 5 minute bursts.

This sounds like good parenting to me.

Honestly, what you list above sounds within the normal range and given that you have twins this all adds up to you spending plenty of time engaging with them, assuming you talk to them when changing nappies, giving milk etc.

I’m a self employed single parent. When DD was a baby, if she was content in her bouncer/on the playmat, I took the opportunity to do some work.

The only things that occur to me at all reading your post is whether you and they have been outside every day (which is massively beneficial for development plus your own mental health) and that if they’re having tons of screen time I’d try to reduce that a bit.

But honestly, given your tendency to OCD behaviours is this not just another cruel element of your OCD that you’re now obsessing about the possibility of not having been attentive enough?

Please try to stop fixating on the things you feel you have done wrong. If you can’t, it could be well worth a chat with your GP or health visitor.

I ended up being referred for talking therapy as I was replaying over and over in my mind DD’s first few weeks where she didn’t feed well, didn’t gain weight and we were readmitted to hospital. It was going round and round in my head multiple times a day and was horribly distracting from being able to enjoy my lovely baby. Talking to my health visitor and GP was hugely helpful.