I have neglected my beautiful twins

[OCDMe]

I have a history of OCD which was quite well controlled until I had my twins in March this year. Unfortunately, since then it has spiralled out of control, probably a combination of postnatal hormones, a quite traumatic birth and this awful pandemic. DH is a great dad and has been very supportive. I've started getting some help and the fog is starting to lift. But I am now terrified and devastated at the thought that I've been neglecting my babies.

They have always been clean, fed, warm and adequately cared for, but sadly I've spent far more time scrubbing the house than I have holding them or engaging with them, right from the beginning really. At any time they have cried or fussed, I've soothed them and played with them for a while. Plus maybe another 3 or 4 times per day in 5 minute bursts. But they've spent most of their days in bouncers or on the play mat with baby sensory videos on the TV while I have been cleaning, washing or sterilising things. The irony is that my biggest worry has been protecting them (from germs), I've been absolutely obsessed by it. But I never stopped to think that I was actually neglecting them by not interacting with them very much. I'm so scared that they will have some sort of mental health problems now (like me) or developmental issues because of what a bad mum I've been. They are quite happy and smiley, they laugh a lot, but they don't really like being cuddled which is not surprisingly really

Is it too late to fix this? This is the first night they've slept though in weeks and I've lay awake all night crying! I feel like I don't deserve to have these babies and I will never forgive myself for the start they have had in life.

They sound fine and I am pretty sure this was normal in the 60s 70s. I was born in the 70s and my Mum never played with me or took me out places. I think actually there's too much pressure to conform to a certain way nowadays.
They will probably grow up much more independent and able to self settle and entertain themselves. They also have each other.
I do feel sorry for people who have just had babies in the pandemic. Can you try to meet up with friends?

Hi OP, glad you are getting help and feeling the fog loft.

You are right that a secure attachment to a primary caregiver is one of the biggest protective factors against mental health problems and relationship problems in adulthood. This means they now need a lot of attention to improve the bond. Have a look at www.helpguide.org/articles/parenting-family/building-a-secure-attachment-bond-with-your-baby.htm

Best of luck. It isn't too late.

I have twins and had PND. They are 15 now but I still feel guilty that they didn’t have as much 1:1 time as their older sister when she was a baby. But.....it’s really hard having twins even without added MH issues. It’s full on and you can only do your best. They will be absolutely fine! So please don’t worry. In fact it’s now my twins who are much more tactile with me than their sister who had endless cuddles and 1:1 time when she was a baby,

I think you’ve forgotten the amount of time you sat and fed your twins. Add it all together and this is far more than just the few minutes you seem to think. Please look at what you can do now rather than what you didn’t do. This kind of worry will only feed into your ocd.

OCD can be absolutely debilitating and you've got my greatest respect that you've been dealing with that and looking after twins. You say they are well cared for and you respond when they cry which is great.

You've identified an issue and are looking to resolve it which makes you a great mum. Please don't be too hard on yourself.

I’ve had twins and it’s bloody hard for the first 6 months in particular. Like a previous poster said it’s survival. I’ve also had a singleton and it’s a pretty different experience.
Please don’t spend any more time stressing over this. You got through the best you could with your circumstances at the time. You are getting help and are getting better now.
Your babies are entering a lovely stage now where they will be interacting more and begging to crawl / move / walk and eat more adventurous foods. It’s a lovely stage and it’s only just beginning, you can enjoy them now and hug, cuddle, and interact.
You met their needs and they have been happy and cared for. Please please put the past behind you, they won’t be scarred or have mental health issues! You love them and you have done your best whilst not being very well in a pandemic!
Start now. Start afresh. Look forward not back. Enjoy each day, they arnt even a year old and you have so so many amazing times ahead of you. My twins are 9 now and them being 8 months seems like a different life time!
Don’t look back in a year and think you wasted this time now by stressing so much about this. Let it go and move forward

Oh, my very Dear! I am heartbroken for you. But this is early days in mothering yet, and it isn't as if you left them alone and crying for hours, repeatedly. Now you are getting help, getting better, and can engage with them more, and joyfully. It is by no means too late, and any damage done is still fixable! Be patient with yourself as you get to know your precious twins. Let go of your guilt, that will damage them more in the long run than less-than-ideal attention very early on.

Don't worry about them not liking to cuddle. Mine was the same till over a year old. We spent hours together snuggled up breastfeeding, but she never liked an actual cuddle. She always wanted to slip away and return to her explorations! She was always very busy and cuddles stopped her in her tracks!

Be kind to yourself. It's not like you were out partying and neglecting them. You have an illness. You sound like a lovely mum.

That sounds like a completely normal babyhood for everyone up to pretty much up to the last 10 years ! You are not neglecting them. Neglect is thrown around on mumsnet a lot, but the vast majority of parents and children will never have an idea of what that actually means. (Thankfully !) if you’re worried about your bond, that’s another matter. Increased bits of time together, bath with them one on one, with dad swapping them over. Baby massage one at a time. You’re doing a great job under the circumstances as well as dealing with OCD on top.

One baby is hard, twins, have never had them, can only imagine. I think most parents feel guilty about something they did or didn't do down the line. Sounds to me you are doing an absolutely brilliant job.You are feeding,soothing them, loving them, (that's the most important) Any damage done will be fixable!!! There is no damage done.Have a big chat with eldest DD recently, her F was a cruel control freaking pschycopath (am not just using that word, he WAS) she is 50, got problems I was convinced because of him, she genuinly doesn't remember the bad stuff.Lots of love

@OCDMe, I think it’s a similar situation than PND.
It’s not because a mum has PND that her child will develop MH issues. Your twins will be ok :):)

In our parents' generation when housework took much longer to complete, babies were put in a pram at the bottom of the garden or left in a playpen for hours at a time. What you describe was the normal babyhood experience of their generation and many generations before that.

This is so true these women were working all day and the baby fitted round that. My Granny was a farmer's wife she worked on the farm, helping with the milking and dairy as well as the housework and looking after her babies. I think they would have said you were a bad mother if the housework wasn't done in those days. Don't get me wrong I think it's good you are getting your OCD under control and will be able to spend more time with your dc. They will soon be toddlers and need a lot more attention at that age.

Step back and think ......They've been loved..been fed...been clothed...been happy ....your the best ...here's to the future xxx

I had hideous PND with my first - she was cared for but as soon as I was better I felt horrible that I hadn't been a Disney mum..... fast forward 15 years and my daughter is awesome and we are super close - you are doing your best and your babies will be just fine 😊

Can I just say your babies sound very happy? I really don't think unhappy babies or babies with major issues would just be content with sitting in a bouncer or being put down unless they were happy with that, and getting plenty of interaction with their carers and with each other. I had one very self-sufficient child who liked to lie on her back, go in the bouncer and had long periods under the baby gym and it was just her personality, she's reasonably self-sufficient as a teen though lovely and affectionate as well.

Mums have always had to multi-task, you have been doing this, you need to help yourself in this situation, if you have two happy babies then you must have done something right.

March this year? You are fine! Babies need to be fed, cleaned, soothed. You have done all this. During a pandemic, you've kept them clean. They have been in a stable, safe environment. All good.

As they get older, they need more interaction and stimulus. Start by just sitting on the floor with them for half an hour a day, facing them and singing to them, or playing peek a boo with a scarf. Their giggles are addictive. You'll come back for more. And give them plenty of cuddles. One in a sling and one on your hip for half an hour a few times a day as you potter around the house gives them the cuddles they need.

Chat to them while you work. I used to count out loud the spoons of powdered milk when my DTs were tiny because I was so tired I was never sure how many I'd put in a bottle. Then one day DT1 started counting with me. I had no idea I had taught him how to count to six just by doing that. All of life is new to them when they are small. It's all interesting and stimulating.

Please don't worry. Being mother to twins under 1 year is a really really tough job, I was awful at it due to PND and sleep deprivation, but like you, I focused on keeping them clean and safe and fed. My DC are absolutely fine now.

@BringItOnBaby expresses it well. You don't have to be a Disney mum. No mother is perfect. We just do our best.

I'm sorry to hear that you've had a hard time OP. One of new born twins, a pandemic and OCD would be difficult for anyone, let alone all three at once.

I think the guilt and worry that you're experiencing is perfectly normal once the fog of post natal illness starts to lift. It's the first time you've had a bit of headspace to reflect and the nature of mental illness is that it generally makes us see the worst in ourselves and situation rather than recognise the positives.

Your babies have been clean, fed, warm and cared for. That is a full time job with one newborn let alone two.

Not all babies like being cuddled btw. My friend's baby really, really didn't like it from day one. She is a first born child and had a SAHM so it wasn't from lack of opportunity! She's 12 now and has never been a tactile or cuddly person. She is, however, completely fine.

Your babies sound well cared for and happy. That's an amazing achievement.

I agree with what others have said about trying to put it into perspective. I'm a twin born in the 1960s and then mothers were instructed to feed four hourly, leave the babies in a pram between feeds and generally get on with making a nice home for their husband or take the baby to work if they could.

I hope that you start to feel better soon and it's great that you've sought some help.

All the best.

I have an adopted child who was totally neglected for the first year of life - never picked up except to be changed, fed with a propped bottle, not consoled when they cried.

When I got them they were already 6 months delayed at 12 months. I did very intensive attachment parenting and they are fine now - physically, mentally and emotionally .

So even if there is something to “ fix “ OP, it’s not too late. Now you are getting better you will be able to spend more time interacting with your babies and less time cleaning, which will help all three of you.

Please don’t get caught up in blaming yourself for your illness. You can’t change the past but you can make little changes day by day, starting today . Just an extra few minutes less TV and more mummy time will make a difference.

Getting out and about to the park etc or for a country walk is also good and you are less likely to meet people at this time of year ( I’m assuming, perhaps wrongly, that you are worried about this ).

Remember to talk to them a lot, it’s so important at this age.

Your babies are stimulated loved,fed,held in regard.Well done you
You have a treatable illness and with medication & support you’ll get the symptoms under control.Talk to GP, you may need a referral to Community Mental Health Team see a psychiatrist
Please don’t beat yourself up, get some support

You don’t need to be perfect- just good enough

@CorianderBlues well don’t on making her feel even more shit. You should be ashamed.

OP ignore any negativity; it’s not helpful or constructive.
Your babies are fed, warm and cared for. They do not need entertaining 24/7, especially given that they have each other.
Be kind to yourself, cut yourself some slack. You can ask for help with your OCD. You’ll get through this 💐

Maternal OCD is really devastating. I work in maternal mental health and it is so hard and still relatively unheard of. I hope you are getting some really good therapy as it can really really help.

I had severe postnatal depression and have some regrets too- but my mantra now is that it was not my fault, I cannot change the past, but I can change the future. Don't waste any more time feeling bad- just go and be the mum you want to be!

i am sorry op, but you are reaching out for help now, good luck