I have neglected my beautiful twins

[OCDMe]

I have a history of OCD which was quite well controlled until I had my twins in March this year. Unfortunately, since then it has spiralled out of control, probably a combination of postnatal hormones, a quite traumatic birth and this awful pandemic. DH is a great dad and has been very supportive. I've started getting some help and the fog is starting to lift. But I am now terrified and devastated at the thought that I've been neglecting my babies.

They have always been clean, fed, warm and adequately cared for, but sadly I've spent far more time scrubbing the house than I have holding them or engaging with them, right from the beginning really. At any time they have cried or fussed, I've soothed them and played with them for a while. Plus maybe another 3 or 4 times per day in 5 minute bursts. But they've spent most of their days in bouncers or on the play mat with baby sensory videos on the TV while I have been cleaning, washing or sterilising things. The irony is that my biggest worry has been protecting them (from germs), I've been absolutely obsessed by it. But I never stopped to think that I was actually neglecting them by not interacting with them very much. I'm so scared that they will have some sort of mental health problems now (like me) or developmental issues because of what a bad mum I've been. They are quite happy and smiley, they laugh a lot, but they don't really like being cuddled which is not surprisingly really

Is it too late to fix this? This is the first night they've slept though in weeks and I've lay awake all night crying! I feel like I don't deserve to have these babies and I will never forgive myself for the start they have had in life.

They sound like happy babies, OP. I'm sorry you've been going through such a hard time and I'm glad you're coming out of it.

When my DS was born my DSis said to me "welcome to the world of feeling guilty about everything no matter what you do", which I thought was weird at the time but I know what she meant now. Those of us who have any kind of self-doubt tend to feel guilty about things that really we were not or are not to blame for. DS has a gluten intolerance and never had a good digestive system from day 1. If he wasn't my first baby I might have copped on sooner. Instead I kept giving him bread thinking at least that won't upset his stomach. For years I felt terrible that I'd been poisoning him, whereas I had realised it was either wheat or gluten by 18 months and he's a very happy, healthy 12 year old now, so it's all ok.

I also destroyed the skin on my hands from washing and disinfecting, and I'd do laundry again if anyone else had touched it or I brushed it off something like a door on my way past with the basket. Same with washing up, I'd wash up the same thing several times. I was very stressed out because we were living in less than ideal circumstances and that's how it manifested itself, and of course DS had to be held and comforted most of the time because he was in pain, so I found it difficult to even get ordinary jobs done not to mind the piles of laundry I had due to all the double jobbing.

It really sounds like your babies have got everything they need including emotional comfort. If they weren't happy they'd cry to be picked up and soothed. That's what babies have done ever since babies have existed.

I have a niece that never liked being cuddled or hugged. Liked holding hands and sitting close but not hugs. She was an early talker and she told me when she was two that she didn't like squeezy hugs but she didn't mind them from me. Oh the honour of being tolerated! She's very independent and knows her own mind and she has always been like that.

Children are all different.

Everything is fine and they will be fine.

You poor thing. Maternal ocd is awful, I had the pure O type- lots of obsessional thinking and intrusive thoughts.
The best thing for you and your babies is if you get proper help for your ocd. People who haven’t suffered have no idea how horrendous it can be and you need to speak to professionals. They may also help you to interact and bond with your babies more- have you got a perinatal mental health team that you can be referred to?
Also check out the maternal ocd website for resources- it’s really helpful.
Finally be kind to yourself- it’s very early days and your sounds like you’re doing amazingly in very challenging circumstances.

Please get yourself the help you need and deserve OP. OCD is a horrible condition and so often underestimated. I haven't suffered personally but have seen what a close friend has gone through. It makes me angry when I hear people joke about it or say that they are "a bit OCD" because they arrange their CDs in alphabetical order. People don't understand it, but there is help available so please don't struggle on alone with this. Contact your GP or the organisation already linked to up thread and get some good support.
But also don't be too hard on yourself. There is so much expectation placed on Mums to be "perfect" when really we are all just doung our best in whatever circumstances we're in. Coincidentally my DH and I were talking about our childhoods yesterday. We both had SAHMs but don't really remember our Mums actively playing with us much. We fitted in around their jobs and played on our own or with siblings mainly. I remember "helping" my Mum with domestic tasks a lot and yes, I was interacting with her and learning stuff, but not playing as such. We didn't go out to groups and so on either, and I believe I spent a lot of babyhood in my pram in the garden as that was the advice at the time! But nowadays it seems Mums are castigated if they aren't out doing baby massage, music classes etc virtually from birth.
Not that I am saying that the old methods were perfect, but there's got to be balance.
You need your medical condition treating, for your own benefit as well as your family's but don't add the pressure to be this mythical perfect mother on to yourself - none of us are that. Be kind to yourself.

I would not beat yourself up too much about it. I know easier said then done. It sounds like you are doing a good job. A lot of time is spent on cleaning, sterilising etc. Try spending a little more time cuddling them and engaging them. But a lot of people leave the baby in the bouncer or the mat to do other things....I used to do that with my baby, until she outgrew it and now wants do crawl everywhere etc. Now I can only get things done during nap time...like now on mumsnet when she is sleeping when I should be cleaning.

That doesn't sound like neglect, horrible that you feel like this but as everyone says be kind to yourself and make sure you have enough support so that you are on top of things. We all parent so differently and twins in a pandemic with OCD... my goodness as someone else says give your self a medal x

Be kind to yourself. And remember until recently babies were mostly “seen and not heard” your own parents generation were always brought up similar. Babies are born in war zones.. different cultures.. different attitudes. As a therapist in a hospital I feel able to say in my opinion you’ve not neglected them and no one is perfect. Even if you have, chances are they won’t be harmed. You won’t have damaged them. Babies can sense love and you obviously love them greatly. That’s all they need. Babies are resilient. My single parent dad was so unemotional and yet I always knew he loved me- I could feel it. We are so close now. Hugs xx

And Kudos to you. Twins must be brutal. You're doing great. I have 3 but if I'd had to do them all together I'm not sure I'd have coped!