Anyone else feel like a fool for not sleep training?

[Lelophants]

I think I know the answer to this because every baby, mum and relationship is different. I also don't want to make this a judgemental post, but would like to hear from any mums more similar to me and see how your kids turned out! Do you regret avoiding the whole sleep training fiasco? Were you also the only one you knew not to do it?

I dont want to sleep train for various reasons and I am happy with that, but it's starting to get me down how I'm the only one out of my friends who hasn't and I keep wondering whether I'm just being stupid.

It's just me still breastfeeding, going to bed early, missing out on late night chats and consistent naps. A few local friends who were similar are now starting to sleep train their 1 year olds (who were adamantly against it before). My friends who have had babies after me are also now doing it. One of these has a 3 month old and she keeps going on about how well it is working and giving me sleep tips, which is driving me a bit mad tbh. She keeps gently patronisingly telling me how basically really I should've done this by now as my ds is 1 and her 3 month old (I know ) is great and I need to toughen up and do it.

I feed him to sleep, still breastfeed and frequently bedshare at night. Naps are up and down and yes I am tied to the pushchair during rain or shine and sometimes I tear my hair out a little bit, but I still find it better than the alternative and I want to do what's best for him, which is what we are doing currently. I feel comfortable parenting this way but sometimes I am made to feel like I am being a bit of a soft idiot.

Sometimes I wonder if I should just try it for an easy life. I can't look forward so can't see how he will turn out and what is best for him. I guess I'm looking for some reassurance that I'm not an idiot for doing what I'm doing and my ds will be OK! And worth missing out on the 12 hour stint at night.

Hahah yes I feel like that a lot

My DS is almost 2 and we end up bed sharing every single night as he wakes frequently.... my friend slept trained 1.5 years ago and gets 12 hours of sleep every single night!

I try and by min 2 of crying I can’t do it any more!!

I did exactly what you did with ds1. He just would not do the sleep training. He is 12 now and is still an early riser, which does mean he still needs to go to bed at 8.30! To be honest, the only thing I regret is spending the first year of my first child life fretting about sleep training However he would sleep from about 10 to 5.30ish from about 15 months so he did it himself really. If he hadn't I may have a different opinion! DS2 was born nearly 2lbs bigger was a breastfeeding expert from birth and slept through from about 6 months after about 3nights of being left to settle and hardly any crying. Even now as soon as his head hits the pillow hes out cold. So I think I'm saying all kids are different but they all turn out OK in the end

FWIW we have tried ‘sleep training’ on numerous occasions. Plus every other thing possible to help her stay asleep all night and she still doesn’t.

My eldest slept through with no sleep training.

It depends on the child’s personality and determination. For my youngest she is just determined not to be on her own after 2am!

Sorry, deleted first sentence somehow! Toddler DD 2.2. Nightmare sleeper no matter what we do!

We started sleep training my 1 yr old twins a week ago - up til then one of them ended up in bed with me every night and the other who used to be a brilliant sleeper til a couple of months ago would wake up every other night too...
Up til last week I was knackered but happier to let this continue til they figured it out themselves but then madam who took up half my bed every night decided that she couldn’t settle even in bed with me - she wanted to be able to settle herself but she had never learnt how to and was awake for hours overnight basically tossing and turning.
So we bit the bullet and it’s going amazingly all things considered - both have slept through in their cots 3 of the last 4 nights! So not answering your question really, but I don’t feel an idiot for not doing it sooner - could have had all this sleep ages ago but they just weren’t ready - this was the right time.

Well her dc is only 3 months, all bets are off until after the 4 month sleep regression.

Sleep training doesn’t always work, and in my experience it doesn’t always give lasting results.

Realistically kids wake for all sorts of reasons until they are way past the toddler stage. My eldest is currently waking me up the most because she has nightmares, she’s 8 years old and I sleep trained her at 6months! It’s a marathon, not a sprint.

How old is your LO?

We tried to sleep train DS1 when he was 1, but I couldn't stand listening to him cry, so gave up pretty quickly. He breast fed to sleep, and I was in the same position as you, having to go to bed quite early to get him to sleep, couldn't leave him with grand parents for a night etc...

He went from sleeping in our bed every night to sleeping in his own bed at 2 years old, without any problems and slept all night straight away. For that reason I'm doing the same with DS2 who is 7 months old. They all get into their own beds eventually, and although my way have me less freedom, it gave me more lovely cuddles and content little babies xx

We sleep trained at 10m and on day 2 when she slept through i felt like a complete and utter moron for not doing it months before. It has had literally zero negative impact on her and i was martyring myself for nothing. It was much more about me wanting to feel like "a good mum" than me actually putting her first. Now she gets proper sleep she's a totally different child.

I haven't sleep-trained either of mine. The best piece of advice I received was this: "If it isn't a problem for you, then it isn't a problem." If you're happy with things currently, then just crack on.

That said, I've been lucky - both DDs (both breastfed) have been good at settling to sleep - 20 mins or so feeding then back into the cot with no problems (bar the odd occasion being ill etc). It always felt manageable - DD1 always slept well anyway, DD2 has been a much more frequent waker but now at 21 months is down to one wake-up consistently. It's not a problem, so I'm carrying on fine.

DD1 became a nightmare when she changed from cot to bed, but lack of prior sleep training was nothing to do with that!

My issue is that I'm worried I'll feel constantly guilty about doing it, even if he does end up sleeping 12 hours! What if he needs something in the night and doesn't cry?

@Lelophants

My issue is that I'm worried I'll feel constantly guilty about doing it, even if he does end up sleeping 12 hours! What if he needs something in the night and doesn't cry?

Why wouldn't he cry?

@mcgonagalscat

How old is your LO?

We tried to sleep train DS1 when he was 1, but I couldn't stand listening to him cry, so gave up pretty quickly. He breast fed to sleep, and I was in the same position as you, having to go to bed quite early to get him to sleep, couldn't leave him with grand parents for a night etc...

He went from sleeping in our bed every night to sleeping in his own bed at 2 years old, without any problems and slept all night straight away. For that reason I'm doing the same with DS2 who is 7 months old. They all get into their own beds eventually, and although my way have me less freedom, it gave me more lovely cuddles and content little babies xx

I love this

@Ohalrightthen because he's learned that if he cries I won't come.

My nephew could not go to sleep without his mum until he was 7 , but the mum was happy with that, so then it’s no problem I guess

It’s about what you want, and what works for you as a family

I did sleep training when my DS was about 18 months, he had always been a great sleeper then went through a really bad patch abs even being in bed with us he would be up couple of hours a night. He took couple of nights and is great a year on. He still wakes up sometimes like the last week teething abs knows we will go give him a hug if he needs it or sometimes a story to help him resettle. Sleep relearning doesn't mean never going to them when they need you abs he knows we will be there is he needs us.

[quote Lelophants]@Ohalrightthen because he's learned that if he cries I won't come.[/quote]
Yeah, that's bullshit. He'll learn to sleep without you. When DD has a nightmare, or is teething, or feels sick, she cries and i go get her.

Do you really think that the hundreds of thousands of parents who sleep train are just ignoring their children?

[quote Lelophants]@Ohalrightthen because he's learned that if he cries I won't come.[/quote]
Unless you are literally leaving your child to cry all night that won't happen. You are being over dramatic.

Having said that if you are happy and child is happy. Do what you want. It doesn't matter how others are raising their children.

My main concern as a parent would be the amount of quality sleep my child was getting. Sleep is vital for healthy development. And that means good long stretches of sleep so that they get good full sleep cycles. I read on another thread that they didn't want to sleep train but their child only slept for 20 mins at a time. That is no good at all for the child and will be harming their development. I'd have a read of the book "why we sleep" to get some good evidenced based info on this.

Your sleep is also important. And poor quality sleep for an adult has many detrimental physical and mental health outcomes. Your health is important as without you in good health you can't provide the best care for your child.

Sometimes a parent means being firm, setting boundaries and teaching your child what they need to do for their overall health and well being. As a parent you need to make a decision what that is. Sometimes that means your child crying for a short period for long term gain (vaccinations being a good example). Only you can make the decision as to what is best.

@Ohalrightthen what method of sleep training did you use? Results on day 2 sound amazing! My DD is only five months but once she gets to six months I’m planning to start some sleep training - so any tips would be most appreciated

[quote Hiphopopotamus]@Ohalrightthen what method of sleep training did you use? Results on day 2 sound amazing! My DD is only five months but once she gets to six months I’m planning to start some sleep training - so any tips would be most appreciated [/quote]
We did CC, which worked really well, but she was already settling by herself at bedtime, just waking and feeding to sleep 4+ times overnight

@Lelophants

My issue is that I'm worried I'll feel constantly guilty about doing it, even if he does end up sleeping 12 hours! What if he needs something in the night and doesn't cry?

If he needs you he'll cry! We sleep trained at 9 months and wished we'd done it at 6. A typical night could be anything between: -- Baby sleeps from 7-7 without a peep. -- Baby goes down at 7 but can be heard once or twice during the evening crying a little between sleep cycles, for less than a minute each time - we don't go in. -- Baby goes down at 7 and wakes in the middle of the night properly crying (not just little whimpers for a minute), and we go in and comfort her and put her back down. Sometimes we will even bring her into our bed and I will breastfeed her and we'll have a little cosleep (which I don't find comfortable, but don't mind doing occasionally especially if I don't have to be up early the next day). That's if she's really upset, perhaps under the weather.

Before sleep training, she cried several times a night, basically whenever she realised she'd been put in the cot. Much less crying now, and more sleep for all concerned.

I didn't sleep train and I don't regret it.
It seems to be much more of a thing now than it was only a few years ago when mine were babies. I was the one who didn't go out and get wrecked on cocktails like the rest if my nct group.
My 3 year old feeds to sleep when I'm home, and the sleeps a solid 10-11 hours most nights, his big sister, who fed till 4 ish sleeps solidly for a good 11 hours.
Keep doing what you're doing OP, you aren't doing anything wrong. I wasted a lot of head space trying to work out why I wasn't doing what every other mum seemed to be doing, I have a wider range on mum friends now and it's really not that unusual to treat this season of life as a passing phase and get back out there when the babies are a bigger.

I agree with the few posters before me. Sleep training is wonderful and doesn’t just mean you let the baby cry. Plenty of gentle methods and controlled crying just lets them cry for a small period of time before you go to them.

If it works for you then it works for you OP, you have no need to compare yourself to others. But it doesn’t sound like it is working if you’re feeding so much in the night / getting no sleep / your baby isn’t rested either. But you do need to research what sleep training actually means as it isn’t just letting your baby cry or ignoring him if he does.

Sleep training has actually meant we can understand our DD better. Previously, she’d wake up so often we would try and analyse why - hungry / cold / ill / needs a cuddle or just unable to get back to sleep. Now, she sleeps so well that if she wakes in the night we know it’s because of something else and isn’t just being frustrated at not being able to get to sleep.

I hasten to add I'm not using my evenings to go out and get wrecked on cocktails like Dowermouse's friends! Though maybe I should be

I'm a big advocate of sleep training and routine, but thats because it works for us and our family. Its not for everyone. I'm formula feeding DD2 (12 weeks) and if I was bf I probably would have bedshared this time around for ease & comfort.

DD1 is 3.5. Never did cc or anything but was v strict about independent sleep from early on. She's been a very good sleeper since about 5 months (sleeping through the night) but of course will cry out if needs anything. I've been sleeping in her room for the last few nights as she has been poorly and I want to be there to reassure her etc if & when needed.

You're not a fool for not sleep training. If what you're doing is working for you / your family it doesn't matter!

DD is eleven months and we now co sleep. She is pretty restless lately, she's recently started nursery and doesn't nap there (because I guess at home she naps on my bed while I sit there next to her mostly - I can often get up and leave once she's asleep but now that she's at nursery she clutches at me and holds me in place).

I won't sleep train at all because 1) she's already learnt that if she cries at nursery I don't come to fetch her (which breaks my heart even though I have no choice to leave her there so I can work) and
2) there is too much change in her life and I can't yet explain to her why she has to sleep in her own room in a way that she will understand and
3) when the dummy falls out of her mouth and she can't find it she will wake herself up so instead of just rolling over and finding it and giving it to her I will have to get out of my bed and go to another room to do the same thing.

We aren't thrilled to be sharing our bed as she is very fidgety and has a good kick on her; but it is by far the most preferable option. I would like to do something about the naps though as it could help at nursery but I'm not sure what - I'm absolutely against any form of crying it out or controlled crying etc.

But I appreciate that everyone has different views and does what works for them so I wouldn't judge anyone else whatever they did.