Anyone else feel like a fool for not sleep training?

[Lelophants]

I think I know the answer to this because every baby, mum and relationship is different. I also don't want to make this a judgemental post, but would like to hear from any mums more similar to me and see how your kids turned out! Do you regret avoiding the whole sleep training fiasco? Were you also the only one you knew not to do it?

I dont want to sleep train for various reasons and I am happy with that, but it's starting to get me down how I'm the only one out of my friends who hasn't and I keep wondering whether I'm just being stupid.

It's just me still breastfeeding, going to bed early, missing out on late night chats and consistent naps. A few local friends who were similar are now starting to sleep train their 1 year olds (who were adamantly against it before). My friends who have had babies after me are also now doing it. One of these has a 3 month old and she keeps going on about how well it is working and giving me sleep tips, which is driving me a bit mad tbh. She keeps gently patronisingly telling me how basically really I should've done this by now as my ds is 1 and her 3 month old (I know ) is great and I need to toughen up and do it.

I feed him to sleep, still breastfeed and frequently bedshare at night. Naps are up and down and yes I am tied to the pushchair during rain or shine and sometimes I tear my hair out a little bit, but I still find it better than the alternative and I want to do what's best for him, which is what we are doing currently. I feel comfortable parenting this way but sometimes I am made to feel like I am being a bit of a soft idiot.

Sometimes I wonder if I should just try it for an easy life. I can't look forward so can't see how he will turn out and what is best for him. I guess I'm looking for some reassurance that I'm not an idiot for doing what I'm doing and my ds will be OK! And worth missing out on the 12 hour stint at night.

If you are comfortable, nothing else matters. No one else's opinion matters. As for training a 3 month old that poor baby!

@zaffa how on earth is your baby coping at nursery without naps!? Mine would have been absolutely beside herself sobbing with tiredness without at least 2 sleeps at that age.

I don't even know what sleep training is ?

@Pantheon

If you are comfortable, nothing else matters. No one else's opinion matters. As for training a 3 month old that poor baby!

You can absolutely train a 3m old baby. You just can't do CC.

She's only been going for a week so far and I had her in for half days, so as soon as she gets home she has a really long nap. Also she's not going every day.

But yes, it's a real concern as she is clearly tired at one pm when I fetch her and I have been trying all sorts of things to help her nap at home - special blankets, moving her into her cot bed or trying to get her to sleep on a mattress downstairs.

Today is her first full day so I am very worried at how she has gotten on but I shall find out at four - I'm expecting a very tired baby. It is a really big worry of mine and not one I expected as although she would sleep on my bed, she would put herself to sleep and nap for over two hours, but because of lockdown I never got to see properly what would happen at other locations - although I had a suspicion in the last couple of months when MIL had her for a few hours and said she had to rock her to sleep. But she's also slept in the pram there so I didn't think it would be this huge a problem (I just thought MIL didn't want to put her on the bed and put her to sleep actually - I was clearly wrong)

My DS was sleep trained by 3 months. Then seperation anxiety hit at 9 months and he’s been co-sleeping and breastfeeding to sleep nearly every night since. I find bringing my phone and laptop up with me helps, so I get work done while he sleeps next to me.

I don't know. I went with my gut and bedshared instead (following safety guidelines). I was still sleep deprived until I night weaned DS at 2.5.

In hindsight, I don't wish I'd sleep trained, but I do wish I'd night weaned earlier. Not that it would have necessarily guaranteed him sleeping through the night, but who knows. I left it so late because I was afraid to do it.

The ‘they don’t cry because they’ve learned you won’t come’ line is bollocks designed to induce guilt. Ignore it.

@bookworm14 exactly!!!

That nonsense about not crying really pisses me off actually. I sleep trained at 14 months or I wouldn't be here.

I learnt the difference between pissed of cry and distress cry. Dd still cries occasionally, of course she does!! Unwell, bad dream, lost dummy, etc. I am straight there.

But she doesn't wake every 20 minutes for no reason at all. She's content and happy as In her cot, and let's me know if she needs me.

I never sleep trained dd 3.5. Not my cup of tea. She sleeps fine now.

For me sleep training was stopping feeding in the night- I still got up though if she did need me, I just didn't feed. It made a huge difference to sleep quality and amount of wakings though and really quite quickly. It's not all or nothing you can change things without ignoring them.
Also it helped me to own my decisions so consciously not complain about things I knew I'd chosen, otherwise I think you are open to people's well meaning advice.

My 14 month old DD generally sleeps well but has NEVER slept through. I still bf and DD still bfs to sleep. She wakes up a few times in the night but only takes a minute or soto get back to sleep so it's not an issue. We part co-sleep, she goes to sleep with no fuss for a few hours in her cot then when we go to bed, she usually wakes up about half an hour later then comes to sleep with us. I haven't had unbroken sleep for nearly 2 years, but I genuinely feel good most days so my body has obviously got used to it!
I love the cuddles, my DH also loves this time too, he works during the day so gets to spend abit more time with her and says he loves waking up with her there (even though DDs feet are usually in his face!)
I feel quietly confident that DD will eventually sleep in her own bed etc. They are only little for a short time, I cherish these times.

You should never feel pressured into sleep training. There is this kind of strange obsession with a baby sleeping through the night, I have been asked it a few times, which I think is odd.
You said you are happy with how things are - that's the key part. If if works for you and your family, keep doing what you are doing. Do what you are comfortable with. Keep enjoying the cuddles.

I didn’t sleep train dd1, she eventually slept aged 3. I might have continued down this path with dd2 but she wanted to sleep and I was worried that she wasn’t getting a decent enough stretch, so needed to show her how to. We used a sleep consultant, no longer than 2 mins crying and it took about 2 weeks to see an improvement, perhaps because we went so slowly.

Ah, OP, I used to feel like you. Felt like I was on a different track from everyone else. I was regularly informed that I was making a rod for my own back. To the horror of some of my friends, DD continued to co-sleep well into the primary years. It didn't bother me at all, I wasn't inclined to force her to sleep alone before she was ready. However, I did sometimes wonder if my instincts were wrong.

Fast forward to the teenage years, and I genuinely have no regrets about how I did things when dd was younger. The friends who used to tell me that I was spoiling her, that I was making a rod for my own back and that I'd regret it later now tell me how easy I have it, and how incredibly lucky I am that dd is so confident, mature, sensible, positive and independent for her age. I will never know if the amazing relationship that we have had anything to do with how we parented in those early years - it could just be luck - but I certainly don't think it did any harm. There is nothing wrong with a child feeling loved and secure, knowing that their needs will be met.

So crack on, OP, and carry on parenting in a way that feels right to you. Follow your instincts!

WTF is "sleep training"?

@Ohalrightthen there's no need to be aggressive. I have conflicts with the idea of how it teaches the child, we all know that research is a hell of a mixed bag. Whether rightly or wrongly, Im the kind of person who would worry about all of that which is why I dont think it's for me.

@AlexaShutUp

Ah, OP, I used to feel like you. Felt like I was on a different track from everyone else. I was regularly informed that I was making a rod for my own back. To the horror of some of my friends, DD continued to co-sleep well into the primary years. It didn't bother me at all, I wasn't inclined to force her to sleep alone before she was ready. However, I did sometimes wonder if my instincts were wrong.

Fast forward to the teenage years, and I genuinely have no regrets about how I did things when dd was younger. The friends who used to tell me that I was spoiling her, that I was making a rod for my own back and that I'd regret it later now tell me how easy I have it, and how incredibly lucky I am that dd is so confident, mature, sensible, positive and independent for her age. I will never know if the amazing relationship that we have had anything to do with how we parented in those early years - it could just be luck - but I certainly don't think it did any harm. There is nothing wrong with a child feeling loved and secure, knowing that their needs will be met.

So crack on, OP, and carry on parenting in a way that feels right to you. Follow your instincts!

Thanks! This brings me hope.

I tried none, gentle and moderately strict methods with my three (in various orders). One thing I learnt was that it depends so much on the child. Don’t beat yourself up or compare to others.

With my first I compared to other people and books, tried gentle training way too often without success. Slept through at 18mo after training.

With my second I trusted my instincts more and was glad I did as he has anxiety issues. Slept through at 6yo.

With my third I just gave up as frankly every time I made progress something happened to set us back to square 1. Slept through at almost 3yo no training.

I tried gentle training with all of them but ive learnt that if it doesn’t work quickly then it isn’t worth the effort. Some people are just lucky. Looking back I sometimes wonder if I should have tried harder but then I remember how hard I did try with dc1 and how pointless it was.

This too shall pass.

I never sleep trained, I don't personally like the thought of CIO/controlled crying etc. I have a 4 year old and an 18 month old, the 4 year old has a story and then goes to sleep without fail every single night, no fuss, no tantrums and no constant asking for water/another kiss/needing to tell me something very important . The 18 month old is still breastfed, and uses me as comfort but when I'm at work and shes being babysat she takes herself off to bed. Children will all do things when they are ready. It did take me longer to have 'good sleepers' than people who sleep trained, but it has worked for us.

@AlexaShutUp

Ah, OP, I used to feel like you. Felt like I was on a different track from everyone else. I was regularly informed that I was making a rod for my own back. To the horror of some of my friends, DD continued to co-sleep well into the primary years. It didn't bother me at all, I wasn't inclined to force her to sleep alone before she was ready. However, I did sometimes wonder if my instincts were wrong.

Fast forward to the teenage years, and I genuinely have no regrets about how I did things when dd was younger. The friends who used to tell me that I was spoiling her, that I was making a rod for my own back and that I'd regret it later now tell me how easy I have it, and how incredibly lucky I am that dd is so confident, mature, sensible, positive and independent for her age. I will never know if the amazing relationship that we have had anything to do with how we parented in those early years - it could just be luck - but I certainly don't think it did any harm. There is nothing wrong with a child feeling loved and secure, knowing that their needs will be met.

So crack on, OP, and carry on parenting in a way that feels right to you. Follow your instincts!

All of the above. I didn't sleep train any of mine despite a huge amount of pressure to do so. And I am so glad I didn't.

I was always told that I would spoil them and they would have bad sleep habits...etc etc. Didn't happen. 2 lovely teenagers and one pre teen. All independent and all bloody great at sleeping now 😂.

Not a judgement on anyone else but I know with parenting if it feels wrong for you then it probably is wrong for you.

Good luck, it's hard but it's over soon! Honest.

I sleep trained both of mine but I didn’t leave either of mine to cry alone, at all. It doesn’t have to be leaving baby to cry or having rubbish sleep! I used a very gentle gradual retreat and it took longer than it might have done if I had done cio or cc but it worked. There were some tears but I was there comforting them the whole time.

I just don’t know why it has to be you train or you don’t, there is a middle ground where you can help your baby sleep without leaving them to cry. DS was never left without comfort and support, or to cry, during the sleep support we gave him.
Each to their own as far as I’m concerned if you’re happy, but if both you and your baby can get sleep thanks to a relatively straightforward and quite quick process that requires patience and consistency I don’t know why you wouldn’t do it.
Everyone is different though. And so is every baby obviously.

I've never sleep trained my DS. He's now 6.5 months, sleeps from 7.30-7 most nights and has two naps a day. I haven't needed to sleep train yet - I think I got lucky.

I never sleep trained. I feel fine about it.

I'd feel like a failure if I did sleep train tbh.

I love that dc sleeps naturally.