DS inappropriate behaviour on play date.

[Whattodowithaminute]

Need opinions on how to manage this, brief summary; DS (9) went on a play date, was taken to a shop and persuaded play date host to buy him a £40 gift. I didn’t really realise what had happened until we got home. I’ve spoke to him about whether he thinks that’s ok, or why he thought it was and what he will do to repay the cost. He’s raging at me now, I’m assuming a combination of disappointment, embarrassment and remorse. Have I done the right thing?!

@SionnachRua

Also my class of 9 year olds would have a fairly reasonable understanding of the concept of money. I would expect the majority of them to know that 40euro is quite an expensive present.

If you needed to make it concrete for him, working out how many weeks it'd take him to save 40quid pocket money (if he were buying the plant himself) should do the trick.

I agree with this, if it was something relevant or everyday. But did he know the cost of the plant? I wouldn't expect a 9 year old to know the cost of these kind of things.

Be careful that your actions don't embarrass the person who bought it.

In a way, you rocking up with the £40 and telling her you took it back, is being disrespectful of what she considered a gift. I'd feel terrible in her position if you did that (not that I'd get myself in that position).

He understands fully the cost of plants, he used his birthday money to buy some recently. I’ve said no to this size and cost of plant before so he does have a concept over it all.

@Ohalrightthen ‘something to work on’
Thanks for the parenting advice.

Is she very wealthy, so £40 isn't much to her?

I think I would never buy such a thing, for many reasons, but one being because I would know it would embarrass the parent (you!) The other adult is partly to blame, unless you are part of some rich set where £40 isn't much!

I think he was just quite insistent...
. You need to put manners on your child. Being "quite insistent" on a £40 gift from a friend's mum is appalling behaviour.

I'm very tired but I don't get the "I think" and "I've written to her" have you actually spoken to her and figured it what happened. You say you put it in your car and drive off thinking it was one of hers? Where have you got this version of what happened from?

For some reason, I felt it was less bad when I heard it was a plant. I think it would be embarrassing to make a fuss now, just offer the money to the play date host and put it down to experience.

@Whattodowithaminute

Need opinions on how to manage this, brief summary; DS (9) went on a play date, was taken to a shop and persuaded play date host to buy him a £40 gift. I didn’t really realise what had happened until we got home. I’ve spoke to him about whether he thinks that’s ok, or why he thought it was and what he will do to repay the cost. He’s raging at me now, I’m assuming a combination of disappointment, embarrassment and remorse. Have I done the right thing?!

How does he manage to "persuade| the play date host to buy him a 40 quid gift in the first place?! If it was me I'd be like "no, sorry, that's too expensive, would you like this nice pencil instead?!" They must have wanted to buy it in the first place, or really, really badly need to go on an assertiveness cause in how not to give in to kids and their wants!

He found a big plant, she tried to encourage him to get a cheaper one, he wouldn’t take the redirection.

redirection? Is that code for was having none of it and tantrummed lol?
Or just that he preferred that one and wasn't interested in any others and still wanted that one regardless of her saying "this one's cheaper?"
Either way, the adult's at fault.
Does anyone really have a concept of say the difference between 10 and 40 pounds at that age?
Adult needs to grow a backbone!

I don’t think you should pay the adult back, it’s totally there own fault. If anything I’d be annoyed at them for not saying no! Ive taken children’s friends on days out, let them choose something from the gift shop, and always set a limit. Loads of times they’ve chosen something more expensive, not because they are brats, just because they don’t fully understand the difference. No 9yr old should be able to ‘persuade’ an adult to buy them something if the adult doesn’t want to. It’s up to adults to set boundaries.

I cant wait til I stumble across a thread from the other mums point of view "I took my DS and his friend to a garden centre today and the friend threw a tantrum until I bought him a £40 plant. WIBU to ask the mum for the money back?"

I do mean the above in a light hearted way, OP. I would give the mum the £40, and reiterate to your DS that it is bad manners to ask other people/unrelated adults to buy him things. I do think he should have known that already at the age of 9 but I do think that kids cant see how rude/selfish their actions can be until they look back when they're older. I'm sure if you were to remind him of it when he was older he'd be embarrassed to remember it.

Give them the £40. Then it’s up to you how you deal with the cost to you - personally, I’d probably deduct it from pocket money until it’s paid.

Am still slightly bemused at how he managed to get an adult to do this!

He's a child. Even the best-mannered and most well-behaved children have their moments sometimes. Adults caring for children need to be prepared to be firm sometimes. Yes, he didn't behave well but, guess what, he's 9. The bulk of responsibility lies with the adult.

Having said that, he was rude and it's your duty as his parent to make amends on his behalf. So repay the £40 since the gift was just not an appropriate one for your DS to accept. Then I'd let your DS keep the plant but make him do chores or dock his pocket money until he's paid it off so he better appreciates the value of it.

I would try to return the plant and give friend her money back saying ‘that’s very generous but it’s too much’.

I’d bollock DS but really his friend’s mum needed to say no.

@Whattodowithaminute

He understands fully the cost of plants, he used his birthday money to buy some recently. I’ve said no to this size and cost of plant before so he does have a concept over it all.

Yes, you might have said it was too expensive, but she clearly didn't think it was as she bought it. As others have pointed out, giving her the 40 back might be embarrassing for her - she didn't have to buy it but did.

If I was playmate mum it would have gone "can I have this £40 plant?" "Lol no sorry" the end

[quote Etinox]@Ohalrightthen ‘something to work on’
Thanks for the parenting advice.[/quote]
Glad to help. We all need a little alternative perspective sometimes.

@Redcups64

I can’t see what your son has done wrong. He asked for a plant, the adult said no, he insisted, then she changed her mind and bought it for him, what’s the problem? If she didint want to she wouldn’t of done it. She is obviously happy to do it for him, maybe she is a plant lover herself?

I don’t get why he is in trouble? Does he get told off when other adults give him gifts too?

Do you generally think it's OK to insist someone changes their mind when they've said no?

Tell him he can't ask others for gifts, he can't 'misunderstand' then

"Honestly I would just text her and say I didn't realise you bought him the plant, do you want it back or any money for it as I know £40 is a lot of money"

Don't say this. If she is too soft to say no to a kid then she's obviously going to be too soft/nice to say yeah, I want the £40 thanks. Simply give her it and insist she takes it.

@AwaAnBileYerHeid

"Honestly I would just text her and say I didn't realise you bought him the plant, do you want it back or any money for it as I know £40 is a lot of money"

Don't say this. If she is too soft to say no to a kid then she's obviously going to be too soft/nice to say yeah, I want the £40 thanks. Simply give her it and insist she takes it.

It's a hard one, she may get offended if OP just gives her the money back as she may have thought spending £40 was fine and it was a gift for her son as they are both really into plants... I don't know what the right answer is to this

No YANBU but I’m baffled why the fuck the other Mum actually gave in to the pressure. I wouldn’t just ‘buy’ a £40 thing for my own children if they fancied it, let alone someone else’s.

Like you say, the only scenario I would agree would be if they were funding out of pocket money, or it was coming out of birthday/Christmas budget.

To quote Greg Davies the other night: “Stop buying things you don’t need - we are at the End of Days!” (roughly, anyway).

I wouldn’t just ‘buy’ a £40 thing for my own children if they fancied it, let alone someone else’s

Exactly, and same lol