DS inappropriate behaviour on play date.

[Whattodowithaminute]

Need opinions on how to manage this, brief summary; DS (9) went on a play date, was taken to a shop and persuaded play date host to buy him a £40 gift. I didn’t really realise what had happened until we got home. I’ve spoke to him about whether he thinks that’s ok, or why he thought it was and what he will do to repay the cost. He’s raging at me now, I’m assuming a combination of disappointment, embarrassment and remorse. Have I done the right thing?!

This is the weirdest thing ever.
If your friend didn’t want to buy him a plant then she should have said no.
It’s her look out.

Do you think your DS had any understanding that what he did was inappropriate? My DD is 10 and still doesn't really understand money and the relative cost of things. If someone offered to buy her a plant she would leap at the chance, and would choose the plant she liked best. The cost just wouldn't be a factor. Unless the person offering directly stated that it cost too much, she wouldn't take the redirection either. Unless your DC threatened an embarrassing tantrum the adult is at fault.

But does the fact that it’s a plant make it any better than a game? £40
is a massive ask don’t you think regardless of what it is? I think she may have found his hobby endearing... he didn’t have a full on tantrum about it, that wouldn’t have been successful I know. I think he was just quite insistent...

You’re down playing your child’s behaviour and lack of manners. “Persuaded”, “wouldn’t take the redirection”? Come on he behaved like an ill mannered brat and someone is £40 out of pocket. I certainly wouldn’t reward him by letting him keep the plant and I would be round there with £40 and an apology for my child’s lack of manners.

Honestly, I think the adult bears the bulk of the responsibility. Yes I'd be paying it back as a recognition that she needn't have done it, but I'm not sure I'd be pushing him to apologize. It's incredibly easy to say to a child, even a tantrumming one, "sorry but that's too expensive, we can't get that." Its her responsibility to set boundaries around her own money, and for some reason she didn't (or, was happy to buy him a very expensive gift). I'd apologize, give the money back but also tactfully encourage her to be a bit more direct with him next time.

@BadDucks

Even if a child does behave like an ill mannered brat, its still up to the adult to say no

Repay her. I'd be fuming with my child if he did this. The adult should have said no and insisted on the cheaper one.

I'd try to return it and repay. If not he'd have to pay out of savings etc.

And a serious talk about expectations and behaviour. It was extremely rude of him.

Honestly I would just text her and say I didn't realise you bought him the plant, do you want it back or any money for it as I know £40 is a lot of money"

And if she says no it's fine then let him keep it and make sure he doesn't kill it.

Or give her the money or the plant back.

Of course @Juniperandrage I totally agree I’m just a bit shocked that the OP doesn’t seem to acknowledge how rude this is? I’d be horrified if my child “refused to be redirected” and insisted on a £40 item.

It’s so weird that she didn’t just laugh and say, “Nice try, cheeky. Pick something cheaper, no more than £10.” Obviously your son was naughty but she needs to grow a spine.

You can not under estimate how rude I think his behaviour has been @BadDucks I’ve tried to be measured in my writing but I am fuming

I wouldn't let him go to hers again. She obviously can't so no. I would also take your DS to the shop to try and return it. I find alot of children don't understand the value of money because their parents have shielded them from money talk. I never had any problem telling my kids and others they couldn't have something because it was too expensive or poor value, but I do hear alot of parents making up excuses instead of telling the truth.

It is rude and entitled of him, yes. Regardless of whether it was ultimately fine for your friend to buy him a plant, this didn't happen the right way and he needs to learn that. I would suggest he saves up to buy her something equivalent to the difference between what she offered to buy him and what he insisted on.

Posters being rude to you clearly haven't considered that the fact you're posting about it speaks volumes about how seriously you're taking it.

He’s raging at me now

Wow, the cheek of him.

I'm kind of blaming the adult here too! The correct response to a 9 year old, even one who is being insistent is "it's too much money, I will get you a plant that is x or less". I'm not sure at 9 years old he will be able to understand why he was rude. Some adults wouldn't understand why that was rude!

I guess with your DS I'd explain as clearly as you can why it was rude. I'm not sure he should lose the plant though!

@Whattodowithaminute fair enough apologies for being overly harsh towards you and misreading the tone of your posts.

Look do I think he was rude? yes! Would I be fuming? Yes! Is he beyond hope and destined to be a source of disappointment for all eternity? No!. He let himself down and although it’s a harsh and embarrassing lesson for him to face up to it’s really important that he knows he was very wrong and he can’t keep the plant.
Adult involved needs to grow a back bone but that is a separate issue!

I’d give the money back to her now, then try and return the plant to the garden centre in hopes of getting a voucher or something. Would then be getting DS to either give the money back to you (if he has it), or earn it from doing chores.

I think there is some responsibility with the adult

ALL of the responsibility is with the adult! I wouldn’t trust someone who could be persuaded by a child to look after my kid (if I had one).

When you say, he's raging, what is he actually saying?

Can he see your point at all, even a little?

I would feel the same as you, fuming, however she was ridiculous to buy it, I would have just said not on your nelly!

This is a bizarre thing to happen. When children tell me something (am a teacher), I do try and see the wider picture. So did your son know the plant cost £40. If it was a toy or game he wanted and knew the cost, that would be different. But does a 9 yr old know the cost of these things. And how did the conversation start? Did your friend encourage it? Its an odd thing to happen on a play date!

OK so he shouldn't have asked, but he's a child and they do try it on. Your friend should clearly have said no! I would try to repay the £40.00 and try to forget about it (I also think your friend should refuse to accept the money).

I had a playdate for my daughter with one of my best friend's sons. I asked him what he ate for lunch and he said "salmon". I didn't really want to fork out for a tin of salmon but what the hell. Then he said "No, real salmon". I laughed and said "guess again kiddo". He's now in Sixth Form and we still laugh about it!