6 month old nearly drowned in the bath

[Anxiety44]

This happened recently and my partner and I feel horrible. I was cooking dinner and making tea, she was watching the kids in the bath (6months and 2yrs). Wife then walks into the kitchen (which is next to the bathroom in our flat) and asks about the tea or something, I can't remember. I look up shocked because why isn't she in the bathroom? I mumble something like "needs milk" or whatever and half run to the bathroom whilst she goes in the fridge to get the milk. I'm still holding utensils at this point. I get to the bathroom and our 6 month old is submerged on her back and kicking eyes open, 2yr old is just playing. In a second I scream and snatch her from the water, she splutters a bit and cries, wife comes running in, I feel like I'm about to pass out so shove the baby at her and swaddle her in a towel. Daughter seems totally fine. This whole thing lasted only 10 seconds from my partner coming in the kitchen to me running in and grabbing our baby from the bath. We rang 111, went to A and E, got checked, all fine, we were worried about delayed drowning. Thank god though our baby is fine.
But now we both feel like crap I can't even explain. I thought I was scared when it happened but it seems as though the fear has gotten worse. I keep seeing her face underwater and thinking "what if". My wife is devastated, she was in floods of tears, then silent, then angry, then tearful again. She feels like the worst mother in the world. I feel like a horrible parent too. I've said to her she is not a horrible mother but that we sometimes make very bad decisions and I do mean that. But the feeling is stuck with us. I just cannot shake it and I know this failure is eating her up inside and she is torturing herself. I just don't know what to do to move past this and reassure her and ourselves. This has been the worst few days of our lives and I just don't know what to do. Our confidence as parents is destroyed. Her faith in herself as a mother is in shreds. We haven't told anyone else about this because we are ashamed. We now live under a cloud of dread I can't explain it any other way. Constant anxiety and worry and questioning ourselves all the time. How could this happen, how could we be so lax, how could we allow this, I dont know what to do. This is the only place I thought to ask this as I've had good support from here in the past when our kids were born and we were getting no sleep for weeks with cluster feeds. Also writing it out helped my realise how I feel a bit. Thanks if you read the whole thing.

@Mummyoflittledragon

You say you’re a hypochondriac. Be careful not to pass this on. The more I read of how you deal with crises and how you treat your wife, the more I think you’d do well to get counselling. She had a lapse of judgment. No one died. No one nearly drowned. Not even close. There was no near miss. Had there been you would have called 999. Hopefully anyone would have.

And did you read the links and my take on the whole incident? I’m the poster, who thinks it sounds as if your baby was holding their breath as the brachycardiac response kicked in. I hope you showed these to your wife.

If you don’t pull your behaviour back, you are going to be far more damaging to your children. The way you’ve been treating your wife is appalling. I’m not surprised she keeps on losing it. You’re driving her insane.

Yes I did read it and it was reassuring. I can't show her stuff like that right now she's still too emotional about it, she's obviously beating herself up about it badly so I am trying to focus on that and tell her that she is a great mother and it was a one off lapse of judgement

@MushMonster

This is a shocking one indeed, but you know, actually most parents did have at least one of this with their children. I always say, if you get a baby alive into adulthood, that is an achievement on its own. You need to calmly find out what went through her head at that time. I bet on sleep deprivation, and a lost of focus at the time. Was she using a baby bath for her? I was still usibg it at 6 months old. Then just the tiniest bit of water in the bath. Maybe both children in the bath at the same time is too much? The baby will only really take 5 min to bathe, at least you want to play with her a bit longer. And then the 2 year old. So you have the amount of water and help that applies to each age. You can bathe them together later on when your little ones grown a bit.

I would suggest she goes to the doctor for a check up, maybe she is anemic, any deficiencies or other issues. And she takes some serious amount of rest. And check with her she is feeling better after that, and that she is feeling focus and attentive.

Be supportive, gentle, and try to ease your load for a bit (easy meals/ sandwiches, less house work, more resting time, sleep ins...)

We will try to get to the bottom of "why" but it still seems a bit to early for that. I don't want to push her right over the edge. She did help with bathtime the other day though just bathing our 6mo and I left them together for a second to get a towel and she was fine. She originally said she'd never bath either child again so I wanted to get her past that. And I now realise I do still trust her, its just been a horrible shock for all of us and so far one she can't explain.

@Anxiety44
To be frank if your wife cannot look at the links I sent because she is in such distress after this length of time, she needs mental health intervention now. And she needs comfort from people other than you.

Does she have supportive friends or relations? Time to tell them what happened and ask them to come to her assistance. And use the knowledge you have from the links I sent. Own your overreaction. Do not tell them the baby nearly drowned. Tell them the truth. You panicked and thought she nearly drowned.

Please get her some help now before it is too late. Contact your Gp now. Contact your health visitor now. Contact a therapist.

Hmm. Any chance she has undiagnosed mental health problems? I only mention it as some people do these things intentionally in the grip of the moment and then look back on it with abject horror afterwards. The being afraid to bath them again is what makes me think this- if she knew it was just a lapse in judgement, I'd have thought she would be OK with bathing them again, knowing that she just wouldn't leave this time. Her reaction with not trusting herself to bath them again makes me wonder if, on some level, she knew full well what she was doing in that moment, is horrified about it now and doesn't trust herself not to do something similar again.

It’s all a bit dramatic isn’t it. I think your both feeding each other’s anxiety over it.

Maybe you should both seek counselling separately as you sound like you both have your own set of issues to work through

This is not an accident it is a very serious lapse in judgement for which your wife urgently need training/support. She needs to tell you why she did this. Why did she leave them alone? She may have post natal depression. Until facts are established I would not leave her alone with either child for a second. Sorry it's a harsh response, but given the severity of what she has done, you need to address it urgently.

Huge lapse in judgement. We all make "mistakes" as parents but this isn't your first child. I'm sure your wife feels just awful but I'd also want to know why she did it?

And I know absolutely worst case but wasn't a mother jailed for this recently when tragically the baby did drown?

That being said what's done is done. You can't continue to let this hang over you but I'd be buying a bath seat and doing bath time together for a while

The baby is fine which is the main thing

I don't think it is massively helpful to want to drill down into the 'why' she did it. Odds are there is no reason, just a moment of complacency which is unlikely to ever be repeated.
We all do things without thinking occasionally.
Babies are so so vulnerable and constant vigilance is required of carers if close-shaves are to be completely eliminated. However, constant hyper-vigilance is also unrealistic because parents are human. Often our moments of lapses are at inconsequential moments but occasionally they are not.
Stop waiting for the moment to hold the inquiry into why. Give her a massive hug, tell her she is an ace mum and you trust her as much as you trust yourself. tell her your two children are much loved and well cared for and as such they'll be taking on their own risks and terrifying you both with late nights and passing driving tests etc before you know it.

@FourPlasticRings

Hmm. Any chance she has undiagnosed mental health problems? I only mention it as some people do these things intentionally in the grip of the moment and then look back on it with abject horror afterwards. The being afraid to bath them again is what makes me think this- if she knew it was just a lapse in judgement, I'd have thought she would be OK with bathing them again, knowing that she just wouldn't leave this time. Her reaction with not trusting herself to bath them again makes me wonder if, on some level, she knew full well what she was doing in that moment, is horrified about it now and doesn't trust herself not to do something similar again.

I see your point, but also think that the reaction of OP here could have a lot to do with that and as such may be as much to do with his attitude / state of mind than hers

Sorry but it totally disagree that this is one of those types of mistakes that new parents make. It is not the OP and wife are not new parents, they have done this before and this is a very serious thing to do. The OP needs to know the why to understand the intent. At the moment until that is cleared up and associated issues resolved this lady should not be left alone with her children for even a second, it's isn't safe. Give your wife a hug certainly but look after her and your family by finding exactly what has gone on here and therefore how to prevent further issues. This is extremely serious.

@ChickensMightFly

I don't think it is massively helpful to want to drill down into the 'why' she did it. Odds are there is no reason, just a moment of complacency which is unlikely to ever be repeated. We all do things without thinking occasionally. Babies are so so vulnerable and constant vigilance is required of carers if close-shaves are to be completely eliminated. However, constant hyper-vigilance is also unrealistic because parents are human. Often our moments of lapses are at inconsequential moments but occasionally they are not. Stop waiting for the moment to hold the inquiry into why. Give her a massive hug, tell her she is an ace mum and you trust her as much as you trust yourself. tell her your two children are much loved and well cared for and as such they'll be taking on their own risks and terrifying you both with late nights and passing driving tests etc before you know it.

Agree 100%

I also agree with the poster saying that the OP's reaction has probably added to her distress and self flagellation.

This has all gone way over the top. The incident itself was awful, but it's done. The kids are fine. The stress is being ramped up (with the help of many mumsnetters) instead of being calmed down, rationalised, and the wife being able to confidently mother her children again.

To be honest, while she's so stressed out, she's likely to make more mistakes. That or wrap the kids in bubble wrap and harm them that way by never giving them any independence.

I haven't read other people's comments so apologies if I'mr repeating too much but while on the one hand I think we ALL make mistakes as parents and it haunts us, usually those mistakes are when we just don't think about consequences properly rather than doing things that are just blatantly unsafe.

I do find it hard to understand leaving a six month old in a bath alone. At 6 months my children were barely sitting up properly so I'd have been in there holding them the whole time. This isn't the same as leaving the baby on the bed, turning away for a second and discovering this is when your baby decides to learn to roll over.... onto the floor.

So I would be wondering what made her think leaving the bathroom was okay because either she's clueless, so distracted she's a danger or perhaps has some other issues going on. I don't think she needs to be punished so much as helped.

Having said all that, and thinking about it for a minute... DH did once leave newborn DD in the car outside DS' nursery and wander onto the high street to do some shopping.... COMPLETELY FORGETTING SHE WAS THERE. So to be fair, perhaps it's just the same thing - a temporary brain freeze, probably at leat partly as a result of total exhaustion.

All you can do:

• physically: obviously never let that happen again.
• mentally: give yourselves time.

You will feel more confident and happy eventually.