6 month old nearly drowned in the bath

[Anxiety44]

This happened recently and my partner and I feel horrible. I was cooking dinner and making tea, she was watching the kids in the bath (6months and 2yrs). Wife then walks into the kitchen (which is next to the bathroom in our flat) and asks about the tea or something, I can't remember. I look up shocked because why isn't she in the bathroom? I mumble something like "needs milk" or whatever and half run to the bathroom whilst she goes in the fridge to get the milk. I'm still holding utensils at this point. I get to the bathroom and our 6 month old is submerged on her back and kicking eyes open, 2yr old is just playing. In a second I scream and snatch her from the water, she splutters a bit and cries, wife comes running in, I feel like I'm about to pass out so shove the baby at her and swaddle her in a towel. Daughter seems totally fine. This whole thing lasted only 10 seconds from my partner coming in the kitchen to me running in and grabbing our baby from the bath. We rang 111, went to A and E, got checked, all fine, we were worried about delayed drowning. Thank god though our baby is fine.
But now we both feel like crap I can't even explain. I thought I was scared when it happened but it seems as though the fear has gotten worse. I keep seeing her face underwater and thinking "what if". My wife is devastated, she was in floods of tears, then silent, then angry, then tearful again. She feels like the worst mother in the world. I feel like a horrible parent too. I've said to her she is not a horrible mother but that we sometimes make very bad decisions and I do mean that. But the feeling is stuck with us. I just cannot shake it and I know this failure is eating her up inside and she is torturing herself. I just don't know what to do to move past this and reassure her and ourselves. This has been the worst few days of our lives and I just don't know what to do. Our confidence as parents is destroyed. Her faith in herself as a mother is in shreds. We haven't told anyone else about this because we are ashamed. We now live under a cloud of dread I can't explain it any other way. Constant anxiety and worry and questioning ourselves all the time. How could this happen, how could we be so lax, how could we allow this, I dont know what to do. This is the only place I thought to ask this as I've had good support from here in the past when our kids were born and we were getting no sleep for weeks with cluster feeds. Also writing it out helped my realise how I feel a bit. Thanks if you read the whole thing.

Yikes, I would be concerned for your wife's mental state. That's a really big error to make? Is the baby keeping her awake? Any possibility of PND (obviously it was on purpose, but PND can cause some lapse in judgement)

It was a big mistake. The outcome could have been bad. But it wasn’t. Clearly neither of you will ever let this happen again and I expect you’ll be more wary in general now too. Honestly, I can’t see what beating yourselves up repeatedly about it is going to achieve. It’s no good for your children if you go damaging either of your mental health over it. I think you need to sit down and talk and try to move past it somehow. It can’t be undone so you need to focus on the future (which undoubtedly will involve monitoring your children’s safety).

Being dog tired is when mind blankness can kick in, perhaps this is what happened to your wife. That exhaustion can lead to accidents which is why you really need to be aware of your shortcomings. My DS was a toddler early morning I had made a cup of tea which I put in the middle of the kitchen table on a magazine. He pulled the magazine and tipped the tea over himself. I threw him in the shower dialling 999, they talked to me and made me keep a screaming baby in a tepid shower until the paramedics arrived. 18 years later I feel bad about that. I was sooo tired I just did not register the risk.

No one leaves a 6 month old in the baby

I've always been careful to take them out of the baby first.

No, OP I'd have gone hysterical with wife over this sort of thing. Has she said why?

But I do agree with a PP that calming down and being rational is needed. She's fine. I also agree with a PP that I'd struggle to trust her again after this ,I'm sorry to say that though.

We have all made parenting mistakes. I feel awful guilt about so many things but I have learned that I can't beat myself up about everything. Instead try to learn by my mistakes and move on.
You do sound like great parents, 1 mistake which its clear u regret. Think u need to forgive yourself and think of the great things you do for your children.

@m00rfarm

She left a six month old in the bath on their own. She should feel terrible. You don’t do that. Ever.

Yes, I know. We have to live with this.

You can't change what's happened OP, only learn from it. Sounds like you both have. Everyone at some time in their life has an unthinking moment. Glad your little one is OK.

Nearly killing them is a bit of a rite of passage, I've a theory thats why so many of us end up taking anti anxiety medication!

@indemMUND

I actually agree with *@m00rfarm*. It can't be taken lightly and from what OP has written it hasn't been.

Agree also, it can't be taken lightly. We're living it. I don't know how to talk to her about this.

@Thatbliddywoman

No one leaves a 6 month old in the baby

I've always been careful to take them out of the baby first.

No, OP I'd have gone hysterical with wife over this sort of thing. Has she said why?

But I do agree with a PP that calming down and being rational is needed. She's fine. I also agree with a PP that I'd struggle to trust her again after this ,I'm sorry to say that though.

This is what I am also struggling with, the trust is shaken now. I never thought I would have to worry about this, children should be safest with their parents, especially the mother. I'm angry at her but I want to help her but don't know how to move on from this

Jeez-us!!!! Be nice people.
Some awful, cruel responses here.
Yes, it was a bit silly, but I'm sure you've both learnt a lesson... no need to beat yourself up, no one ever needs to although it's a very common thing.
Be careful this doesn't turn into PTSD, I have it but through childhood trauma.
You don't need to go over the scene in your head to punish yourself any more.
' Being dog tired is when mind blankness can kick in, perhaps this is what happened to your wife. That exhaustion can lead to accidents'
Is a realistic, well balanced response.

Just to point out the obvious, nobody should be leaving a 2 year old unattended in the bath either. Just because the 2yr old didn’t almost drown doesn’t mean that was any safer a decision.

It’s important for you to know whether your wife was just temporarily distracted (and stupid) or genuinely didn’t realise that you can’t leave a baby and a toddler alone in a bath. If it’s the latter, I’d suggest a parenting course

Yes, I know. We have to live with this

I think you're being a bit melodramatic tbh. What happened happened, thankfully your baby is fine. So there's not really anything to live with now. Obviously the lesson has been learned about leaving babies alone. It's true that many parents make mistakes that stick with them for a while (I had sofa falls and bed falls and the image and "what ifs" stay with you for a while) but if your child is fine then just count yourself lucky and try not to think about it too much.

I understand you're upset with your wife but would you be happy to have her hold it over you if it was you who had injured your child/ let your child get injured whilst watching them. Accidents happen. The baby is fine, she shouldn't have left it in the bath alone obviously but we all make stupid decisions. She needs your support not condemnation

@ifonerememberstoturnonthelight

I understand you're upset with your wife but would you be happy to have her hold it over you if it was you who had injured your child/ let your child get injured whilst watching them. Accidents happen. The baby is fine, she shouldn't have left it in the bath alone obviously but we all make stupid decisions. She needs your support not condemnation

Yes true, thanks. I am trying.

Accidents happen, your wife should never have left a 6 month old or a 2 year old unsupervised in a bath. But your children are fine, you need to move on. Is there a reason your wife left your DC in the bath?

Most parents have at least one episode of thinking they have nearly ended their baby's life by accident, sleep deprivation, hormones all contribute. We put ds carry cot on the table in our touring caravan the first time we went after he was born so he was easy to reach for night feeds, woke up to a crash in the night, the table had detached from the wall & collapsed, the carry cot was stood on end, ds was kind of folded in half in the end of the carry cot, I thought we had broken him. He was fine, but we didn't do it again. These things happen, your baby is ok, don't worry.

You will have so many ‘what if’ moments as parents honestly.
You’re little one is okay. Learn from it and wait for the next what if. Learn from that too.

I find the responses saying 'everyone has instanced like this' extremely worrying.

No, they don't.

Most people have scares that are not their fault, eg illness. Or they have near misses which are not so serious, eg a fall which could have hurt.

Deliberately leaving a baby in the bath is an intentional and clearly very dangerous action. Why on Earth did it happen?

OP I would consider some kind of parenting lessons if your wife thought this was remotely ok, or close supervision for her if sleep deprivation or whatever made her temporarily this dangerous.

But why did she actually leave them in the bath?

children should be safest with their parents, especially the mother

Why especially the mother? I'm curious.

I would also worry that your wife is struggling. When my DD was about 6 months old I fell asleep whilst driving her to a GP appt and almost caused a very serious car crash. Thankfully the other driver was paying proper attention to the road and managed to swerve out of my way in time, and their horn woke me up. I could have killed my daughter, myself, and the people in the other car. Maybe more.

It was then that I finally admitted that I needed help. My daughter was a terrible sleeper and we were recent immigrants so we had no family or friends to help at all. My husband worked away a lot and we couldn't afford daycare. I was drowning trying to survive on maybe an hour or two of broken sleep.

Is it possible that your wife is struggling? It doesn't have to be a lack of sleep, it could be PND, or something else.

@m00rfarm

She left a six month old in the bath on their own. She should feel terrible. You don’t do that. Ever.

whereas you are the perfect parent who has never done anything wrong ? Every parent on the planet has made a mistake at times, why do you feel the need to stick the boot in?

You will just have to get over this awful issue, and the wrong doing of leaving a baby of that age in the bath, despite another older child being in there also. You have experienced a scary thing, but the memory of it will hopefully mean that it will never happen again.

. I never thought I would have to worry about this, children should be safest with their parents, especially the mother.

Hang on. Why should they be safest especially with their mother ? Maybe you should stop holding her to higher standards then you hold yourself too and look how you can support her rather then tearing her down, you can either judge her or support her and I know which is more effective. Perhaps next time you can give her help advice like using a bath seat which you can go and order online tonight ?

You called 111, your daughter has been checked out and she’s fine. The fact that you’re both so affected by this shows that you are loving parents. You won’t forget this incident and you should absolutely learn from it. You will most likely be better parents for it as you will now be more careful. But you will only be better parents if you forgive yourselves. Don’t let this stop you enjoying your children. It’s one incident that could have ended badly but it didn’t. Feeling guilty won’t benefit you or your children, learning from it and being better will. Move on.