6 month old nearly drowned in the bath

[Anxiety44]

This happened recently and my partner and I feel horrible. I was cooking dinner and making tea, she was watching the kids in the bath (6months and 2yrs). Wife then walks into the kitchen (which is next to the bathroom in our flat) and asks about the tea or something, I can't remember. I look up shocked because why isn't she in the bathroom? I mumble something like "needs milk" or whatever and half run to the bathroom whilst she goes in the fridge to get the milk. I'm still holding utensils at this point. I get to the bathroom and our 6 month old is submerged on her back and kicking eyes open, 2yr old is just playing. In a second I scream and snatch her from the water, she splutters a bit and cries, wife comes running in, I feel like I'm about to pass out so shove the baby at her and swaddle her in a towel. Daughter seems totally fine. This whole thing lasted only 10 seconds from my partner coming in the kitchen to me running in and grabbing our baby from the bath. We rang 111, went to A and E, got checked, all fine, we were worried about delayed drowning. Thank god though our baby is fine.
But now we both feel like crap I can't even explain. I thought I was scared when it happened but it seems as though the fear has gotten worse. I keep seeing her face underwater and thinking "what if". My wife is devastated, she was in floods of tears, then silent, then angry, then tearful again. She feels like the worst mother in the world. I feel like a horrible parent too. I've said to her she is not a horrible mother but that we sometimes make very bad decisions and I do mean that. But the feeling is stuck with us. I just cannot shake it and I know this failure is eating her up inside and she is torturing herself. I just don't know what to do to move past this and reassure her and ourselves. This has been the worst few days of our lives and I just don't know what to do. Our confidence as parents is destroyed. Her faith in herself as a mother is in shreds. We haven't told anyone else about this because we are ashamed. We now live under a cloud of dread I can't explain it any other way. Constant anxiety and worry and questioning ourselves all the time. How could this happen, how could we be so lax, how could we allow this, I dont know what to do. This is the only place I thought to ask this as I've had good support from here in the past when our kids were born and we were getting no sleep for weeks with cluster feeds. Also writing it out helped my realise how I feel a bit. Thanks if you read the whole thing.

All parents have had scary moments, on the scale is stupidness this one is very high up, however you've got to move on, learn from it, never do it again and get into your head about dumbass things being disastrous sometimes - but you're human as is your wife so just learn from it and try to put it in a box now

I remember reading a devastating story on MN about a mum who put an empty polythene nappy disposal bag in the side of the cot, it got in the cot and somehow suffocated the baby- I always think of that story when doing anything a bit worrying with my children, always consider the worst that could happen
Remember, but move on for your own sanity

If this would have been a non resident male parent, I wonder if the responses wouldn't be harsher?

We all make mistakes and sometimes we put our dc in danger accidentally. Most times it turns out ok
BUT I have to say that leaving a small baby in the bath like that is really bad. It’s done now and thankfully the baby is ok but I think you and your wife need to understand why she did it so nothing like that happens again.

We are trying to talk about this and why it happened and what she was thinking leaving the room. I always felt nothing but trust in her but now that is shattered and I go between feeling like I'm in a waking dream in a daze to wondering if she has done other lapses in judgement in the past. I am trying to help her but she is still very upset.
And I didn't mean only mothers can be the best carer for their children I just meant that when you think of the typical child parent bond you generally think of the mother as the primary care giver and protector. I was just generalising, not saying the responsibility is all hers. Obviously we are partners and the responsibility is completely shared. But reading all the comments (critical ones also) has helped because we feel we can't speak to anyone else about this in the family or friends, its too much. Hearing the harsher comments does echo some of what I'm feeling.
I think we will need to look into parenting courses and maybe counselling. I still don't know why this happened and it makes me afraid for the future.

We all make mistakes sometimes and I'm sure she won't be doing this again!!!

I think you just need to keep talking to each other and keep reassuring her.

Me and DH had a similar situation a number of years ago, he was picking up our DS from school, he was only around 6. He let him run in front while he was chatting to another parent and he ran out into the road and was hit by a car. Thankfully she was going very slowly past the school gates and he got away with a broken wrist and some bruises.

I feel awful now but it took me a lot of time to forgive him and I blamed him for the accident. We talked a lot and he honestly felt awful, he really struggled mentally with the guilt of not watching him properly and letting it happen.

I think what I'm trying to say is that you both need to come together as a unit and deal with this between you. Baby wasn't harmed even though it could have been so much worse but blame and guilt has the ability to completely destroy a relationship.

Be kind to yourself and to each other.

I think maybe speaking to someone might be a good idea. It sounds as if you are both consumed with anxiety about this and that needs to be resolved

I'm sorry but you're still being melodramatic here OP. And if you don't start pulling yourself together and moving on, this is going to affect your children.

Your role in this should be helping your wife regain her confidence. Not damage it even further.

You HAVE to draw a line under this. Your baby is fine. You are back in the place you were before this incident. You've had a shock but it's done. Your one of the lucky ones.

The way you're behaving now is injurious to your children. So stop making this worse for them. Forgive your wife. Remind her what a great mum she's been for the last two years and get your relationship back on an even keel, for everyone's sake.

What was her reasoning OP? Did she think that a six month old "can" be left alone? Did she forget what she was doing? I think you need to find out gently the reasoning behind her lack of judgement.

Urgh, I have felt that awful 'I am the worst parent in the world' feeling too (Accidentally spilled a full jug of boiling water over my 6 year old's head - he was absolutely fine due to my first aid but christ that scream will haunt me forever!).

You both need to accept that it shouldn't have happened, that it won't happen again and move on. For your children's benefit.

Your wife made a silly mistake. She won't make it again. But the self flagellation needs to stop. Parents are imperfect.

When our DS was tiny, he had an anaphylactic response to a new food. My husband and I sat there and watched the hives start. Thought it was odd. Took a photo to show the GP "in future". It got worse. We finally started to panic and drove to A&E where they saved his life and gently - but firmly - told us that we really should have called an ambulance. We felt like the worst parents in the world.

Every time he goes for his allergy tests now, the image springs up in my mind clear as day. It's overwhelming and makes me tearful. But otherwise we just get on with life. Because he didn't die. And we did the best we could at the time.

You have to let it go.

How tired is your wife? When people are dog tired, they make mistakes. It is as simple as that.
Yes, that was very stupid. She will never do that again.
But you both need to understand that tiredness can kill. And there is no point in dwelling over it, it is what it is, we need sleep.
I only have had one baby, but trust me, I was hysterical with tiredness.

Now it’s a good time to be very very kind to each other. Support and love and not judge. Just be kind and supportive, make sure she gets enough sleep.

Every single one of us has a story in which they nearly lost their child. That chills your core even decades later. Shit happens.

There seems to be unnecessary hysteria here, both in your reaction and the responses. It was a stupid decision, COULD have had awful consequences, didn't and now you need to remember and move on.

At least you will never do this again. Both me and my husband have made stupid decisions in the past with parenting. We learnt, we discussed and we moved on.

Your saying the trust is gone seems very unfair. Yes she shouldn't have left the children, of course not, but she clearly realises this now so why all the flagellation?

One incident and all this self punishment? Not healthy or normal.

Some of the responses here are very cruel considering the OP has repeatedly said how much they understand it was a huge error of judgement/very dangerous and how terrible they both clearly feel.

If you have never made any kind of error in judgement then by all means continue to label the OPs wife a ‘bad mother’ etc. I personally would consider someone who smokes daily around children, feeds them crappy food or smacks them regularly more of a ‘bad mother’ than making a one time bad judgement which they immediately rectified sought the appropriate medical help and have clearly reflected on.

Your wife needs support not further condemnation. I’m not sure sitting her down and repeatedly asking WHY WHY WHY is helpful because as anyone who has made a bad call knows you often don’t know exactly what your thought process was. Instead focus on ‘how can we stop this happening again’. If with a 2 year old and 6 month old this is the only thing she has done that has broken your trust you need to try and rebuild it quickly. I once turned around when my DC2 was tiny (absolutely shattered after weeks of broken nights) to my 3 year old merrily saying ‘look mummy a knife!’ And holding up a giant very sharp kitchen knife. Should he have had access to that OF COURSE NOT but it was whipped away, knife safety discussed and I forgave myself for this parenting fail.

Your wife needs support not further condemnation. I’m not sure sitting her down and repeatedly asking WHY WHY WHY is helpful because as anyone who has made a bad call knows you often don’t know exactly what your thought process was. Instead focus on ‘how can we stop this happening again’. If with a 2 year old and 6 month old this is the only thing she has done that has broken your trust you need to try and rebuild it quickly

This. We've all had our errors, usually when very very tired. I once forgot to lock the buggy with baby dc3, went to pick up DC2 who had fallen off her scooter and nearly had a heart attack when I reached out for the buggy and suddenly realised it was hurtling down the pavement. A passing pedestrian grabbed it, looked daggers at me (understandably enough) and all was fine, but it could have been so much worse, and was a good wake-up call for me too. Often we're over-careful with our eldest, but with subsequent children can be more distracted, or just forget how different their stages are.

Review whether you've had a run of potential near-misses and if so, then maybe you need to do some serious soul searching. If not, then hopefully this is just the shock needed to reassess what isn't working, and see if something needs to change, whether that is getting more sleep or a break, or going to the gp if there's anything more serious. Then take this as a learning point and move on.

That’s not a mistake, that’s neglect. She should feel awful, there aren’t two ways about it.

Well you don't leave babies or small children on their own anywhere, especially a bath.

@saraclara

I'm sorry but you're still being melodramatic here OP. And if you don't start pulling yourself together and moving on, this is going to affect your children.

Your role in this should be helping your wife regain her confidence. Not damage it even further.

You HAVE to draw a line under this. Your baby is fine. You are back in the place you were before this incident. You've had a shock but it's done. Your one of the lucky ones.

The way you're behaving now is injurious to your children. So stop making this worse for them. Forgive your wife. Remind her what a great mum she's been for the last two years and get your relationship back on an even keel, for everyone's sake.

Yes good advice, I'm trying to snap out of it and support her so she doesn't lose faith in herself which she is questioning alot right now obviously. We have had one argument already where she just lost it and nothing either of us said really helped

How do your children sleep? Does your wife get enough - something like this could be a symptom of sleep deprivation or indeed PND

@IntoTheDragonsLair

There seems to be unnecessary hysteria here, both in your reaction and the responses. It was a stupid decision, COULD have had awful consequences, didn't and now you need to remember and move on.

At least you will never do this again. Both me and my husband have made stupid decisions in the past with parenting. We learnt, we discussed and we moved on.

Your saying the trust is gone seems very unfair. Yes she shouldn't have left the children, of course not, but she clearly realises this now so why all the flagellation?

One incident and all this self punishment? Not healthy or normal.

Now that we have had a while to process it I am agreeing with you. It's just a few days ago our lives were normal with normal problems now we've had this happen and it threw us both as parents and in our relationship. I am something of a hypochondriac which hasn't helped.

I don't want to be unnecessarily harsh towards you OP, but you are being very unrealistic here.

Your wife doesn't need a parenting course, what she needs is your absolute forgiveness and support.

You too will make a mistake one day, and you too will have to live with it. Would you like to carry that burden with her being angry and mistrustful of you forevermore?

Not much hope for your relationship if she did this to you, and quite frankly not much hope for it as it stands if you continue to be angry with her and feel that she has failed and your children are in danger.

Much more damaging to your children to have their parents be unable to forgive each and their relationship destroyed and then have to live with the consequences of that.

Get a grip and see it for what it was, a mistake. And treat her how you would hope to be treated yourself were it you who had made it. It will be one day.

@saraclara

I'm sorry but you're still being melodramatic here OP. And if you don't start pulling yourself together and moving on, this is going to affect your children.

Your role in this should be helping your wife regain her confidence. Not damage it even further.

You HAVE to draw a line under this. Your baby is fine. You are back in the place you were before this incident. You've had a shock but it's done. Your one of the lucky ones.

The way you're behaving now is injurious to your children. So stop making this worse for them. Forgive your wife. Remind her what a great mum she's been for the last two years and get your relationship back on an even keel, for everyone's sake.

this.

Parenting course? Counselling? You are completely and utterly overthinking this. Listen to PP , especially slightlycheesedoff

My Dad had an incident like this with my sister as a toddler. They'd been chatting in the front room of a friend's house when my sister toddled off and no one noticed. She ended up totally submerged in the pond in the back garden- she was luckily fine but it shook him up massively and he still talks about it to this day. I think you'll feel a bit off for a while, as with any near miss, but eventually the horror will fade somewhat and you'll be able to chalk it up to experience. Just give it some time.

Op would it help reassure you if the baby was in a bath seat? Like the angelcare one that sticks to the bath?

I know you’ve both had a shock and yes children shouldn’t be left unattended but a bath seat might just give you both a little reassurance and allow you to calm down slightly?

You say you’re trying to talk about why it happened. What does she say?

Does she feel very foggy in general I wonder and perhaps have PND? Or suffering badly from sleep deprivation?