6 month old nearly drowned in the bath

[Anxiety44]

This happened recently and my partner and I feel horrible. I was cooking dinner and making tea, she was watching the kids in the bath (6months and 2yrs). Wife then walks into the kitchen (which is next to the bathroom in our flat) and asks about the tea or something, I can't remember. I look up shocked because why isn't she in the bathroom? I mumble something like "needs milk" or whatever and half run to the bathroom whilst she goes in the fridge to get the milk. I'm still holding utensils at this point. I get to the bathroom and our 6 month old is submerged on her back and kicking eyes open, 2yr old is just playing. In a second I scream and snatch her from the water, she splutters a bit and cries, wife comes running in, I feel like I'm about to pass out so shove the baby at her and swaddle her in a towel. Daughter seems totally fine. This whole thing lasted only 10 seconds from my partner coming in the kitchen to me running in and grabbing our baby from the bath. We rang 111, went to A and E, got checked, all fine, we were worried about delayed drowning. Thank god though our baby is fine.
But now we both feel like crap I can't even explain. I thought I was scared when it happened but it seems as though the fear has gotten worse. I keep seeing her face underwater and thinking "what if". My wife is devastated, she was in floods of tears, then silent, then angry, then tearful again. She feels like the worst mother in the world. I feel like a horrible parent too. I've said to her she is not a horrible mother but that we sometimes make very bad decisions and I do mean that. But the feeling is stuck with us. I just cannot shake it and I know this failure is eating her up inside and she is torturing herself. I just don't know what to do to move past this and reassure her and ourselves. This has been the worst few days of our lives and I just don't know what to do. Our confidence as parents is destroyed. Her faith in herself as a mother is in shreds. We haven't told anyone else about this because we are ashamed. We now live under a cloud of dread I can't explain it any other way. Constant anxiety and worry and questioning ourselves all the time. How could this happen, how could we be so lax, how could we allow this, I dont know what to do. This is the only place I thought to ask this as I've had good support from here in the past when our kids were born and we were getting no sleep for weeks with cluster feeds. Also writing it out helped my realise how I feel a bit. Thanks if you read the whole thing.

Agree with @Puffalicious and @SlightlyCheesedOff , your wife made a mistake, she feels awful about it and won't do it again because she's suitably terrified by the experience. You need to be kind to yourselves and to one another, it was really scary but the most important thing is that the kids are ok.

OP, cut both yourselves some slack - no one is a perfect parent - but take this as a very serious warning.

Never do this again. My 7 year old doesn't bath alone.

@m00rfarm

She left a six month old in the bath on their own. She should feel terrible. You don’t do that. Ever.

Sorry but ^^ I agree with this. I don’t know why some posters seem to be saying, oh it’s because you feel bad, never mind. My child is 4 and I still don’t leave her. You never EVER leave a child in water unsupervised.

It doesn’t matter what contraption they are in, anything could happen.

My little one was about 7 months and in her bath seat. I decided to clean the sink (right next to the bath). I looked up and her seat had tipped and she was face down in the water. It is a moment I will never forget.

As horrible as it is, these things happen.
I get why your both feeling so terrible but you can't change what has happened. Might make you both feel more confident in yourselves if you start bathing the children together, when your both present to support each other.

My DS burnt his face on a hot iron when he was 1. I'm usually an over cautious person but this happened on my watch, a stupid stupid moment of bad judgment. I felt terrible, a big burn on his cheek/chin/lip. After being discharged, I didn't leave the house for months, I felt so guilty and couldn't bear to let other people know how stupid I had been. When I told the nurse this, she reminded me that the very reason they were there was because people have accidents. It took me a year to really get over the guilt, you will get there.
My DH did not once blame me or ask me why, he repeatedly reminded me that it was an accident and accidents happen.
You need to remind your wife this, I would say she is just feeling terribly guilty right now, this awful feeling will pass and leave you with a very valuable lesson in child safety- it certainly did for me.

People are saying this because it's already done , the OP is crystal clear it was a stupid mistake and one that she is angry about so people are trying to offer options about how to move forward. Kicking someone by stating an obvious fact without any resolution or advice simply serves yours and the poster who said its need to be superior and validated at the expense of someone else. Quite frankly its tacky behaviour.

OP there is an element of letting your wife face her own consequences. The reality is you won't and shouldn't leave her unattended at bath time again. Its harsh but you won't trust her for a long time because it will be in the back of your mind. I'm afraid that's the consequence. It's not deliberate it's a natural one.

Time is a great one for these things. When you move forward and the DC are safe and in one piece you will relax a bit.

One of the best parents I know (her DC are now 10 and up) stopped watching her 2 year old DC whilst near a pond in the garden. She came out 5 minutes later to find him face down and had to resuscitate. He is now absolutely fine at 10 years old but she was the first to take full responsibility, she completely screwed up. But she had to find a way to move forward to be able to continue to parent. She spent a long time beating herself up (and yes she absolutely buggered up and got incredibly lucky that he survived...she knows this). Agter a period of time though her hair shirt was more about her than him. She had to make peace with it and move on but it took time.

Gosh, OP, I feel sorry for all the bashing you're getting on here.

We are all going to make mistakes as parents - I don't think you need telling what a monumental mistake this was, you and your wife will both recognise that already.

You don't need a parenting course, or counselling.

I think you need to unpick why your wife left the kids alone in the bath, not from the obvious danger point of view, she has learnt a massive lesson on that from the trauma you have been through, and if her head was in the right place, and she was properly "present" in that moment, then she would not have left them - so I'm talking more from her own wellbeing point of view.

Was she tired? Had she had enough that day? Is she feeling ok in herself?

Please don't beat yourself up, your immediate reaction, and gut instinct kicked in, and you saved your daughters life. Not only that, you then proceeded to take every necessary measure to ensure that she was safe by calling 111, and taking her to A&E.

Yes, your wife made a massive mistake, but she did not endanger your children intentionally, sure she should never have left them, but she did not walk out of the bathroom intending for the events that followed, so please keep that in perspective.

You have both been through a traumatic event, and will still be in shock, try to be kind to one another, you need to forgive her, and she needs to forgive herself.

You've said you've always felt nothing but trust in her, her self confidence will be shattered, don't let it shatter all that trust as well, you can't let this one monumental mistake erode all the positive qualities she has as a Mother.

Focus on one another, and your children, rebuild whatever has been broken.

Sit and play some games with the kids, have a little teddy bears picnic in the living room, and move on.

Onwards and upwards OP!

None of the other mistakes list on here equate to leaving a 6 month old baby in the bath. She shouldn’t have left the 2 year old either.

I also don't understand why she left the bathroom. My baby is six months and I'm only just feeling comfortable not holding him for a few seconds. I'm still on my knees at the side of the bath - he can sit by himself but my hands are inches from him. I can't comprehend even standing up while he's in the bath let alone leaving the room.

@Anxiety44

We are trying to talk about this and why it happened and what she was thinking leaving the room. I always felt nothing but trust in her but now that is shattered and I go between feeling like I'm in a waking dream in a daze to wondering if she has done other lapses in judgement in the past. I am trying to help her but she is still very upset. And I didn't mean only mothers can be the best carer for their children I just meant that when you think of the typical child parent bond you generally think of the mother as the primary care giver and protector. I was just generalising, not saying the responsibility is all hers. Obviously we are partners and the responsibility is completely shared. But reading all the comments (critical ones also) has helped because we feel we can't speak to anyone else about this in the family or friends, its too much. Hearing the harsher comments does echo some of what I'm feeling. I think we will need to look into parenting courses and maybe counselling. I still don't know why this happened and it makes me afraid for the future.

Oh ffs. Give over. Give her a hug and get over it.

It was awful. But it’s over.

I think it’s a bad idea to let her wallow in feeling bad about it, because if she’d been feeling good to start with it wouldn’t have happened. You need to try to have a proper, non judgemental, discussion about why it happened. Is she so tired that she can’t function properly? Does she have PND? Did she think the baby would be safe in a bath seat for a minute?

Exactly what do all the people piling on the OP think they're achieving? The poor guy and his wife clearly accept it was wrong and can barely live with themselves. Why continue telling him it was wrong? Or doesn't need saying any more.

It's obvious that they need help to move forward, not to be pulled back constantly.

@Minesril

I also don't understand why she left the bathroom. My baby is six months and I'm only just feeling comfortable not holding him for a few seconds. I'm still on my knees at the side of the bath - he can sit by himself but my hands are inches from him. I can't comprehend even standing up while he's in the bath let alone leaving the room.

I agree with this. I wouldn't have left a six month old alone on the sofa let alone the bath.

I can see why your trust in your wife has been shaken OP. It does seem like a very very odd thing to have done - that's not just a lapse in concentration so I'd kind of be a bit worried that there was something else going on with her mental health.

We've all made stupid parenting decisions but that one - leaving two very young children alone in a bath was not just stupid but quite reckless.

I don’t think anyone is piling on the OP. The OP isn’t the negligent parent. Telling them that everyone makes little mistakes like this is not helpful, when the OP is clearly now questioning their children’s safety in the partners care.

Which you should be doing OP. No need to hang draw and quarter someone for it, but my confidence in my partner to look after our children would be shattered. Agree you need to work towards getting over it, but the parent who left them in the bath would certainly need to prove themselves as capable before I trusted them with our children again

@SlightlyCheesedOff

I don't want to be unnecessarily harsh towards you OP, but you are being very unrealistic here.

Your wife doesn't need a parenting course, what she needs is your absolute forgiveness and support.

You too will make a mistake one day, and you too will have to live with it. Would you like to carry that burden with her being angry and mistrustful of you forevermore?

Not much hope for your relationship if she did this to you, and quite frankly not much hope for it as it stands if you continue to be angry with her and feel that she has failed and your children are in danger.

Much more damaging to your children to have their parents be unable to forgive each and their relationship destroyed and then have to live with the consequences of that.

Get a grip and see it for what it was, a mistake. And treat her how you would hope to be treated yourself were it you who had made it. It will be one day.

Yeah I can see that now

I'll probably get such a roasting but gosh I feel so sorry for you OP. Some of these responses are disgraceful. Yes she shouldn't have left baby alone i get that but come on people. Give the guy a break. Im sure you both will live with this guilt for the rest of your life. Baby is fine, you got baby checked out, now learn from your mistakes and move on. Yes i am a mother to a small child and I'd never leave my son in the bath but mistakes happen. For a split second we make terrible judgement.

Christ you were lucky that time. That is a strange thing to do and not really comparable to the other accidental “near misses”. Still it’s done now so you have to move on from it but I would be anxious about the other parents capabilities tbh.

@Cheeeeislifenow

What was her reasoning OP? Did she think that a six month old "can" be left alone? Did she forget what she was doing? I think you need to find out gently the reasoning behind her lack of judgement.

Completely agree with this I find it really hard to offer any kind of input without understanding what she was thinking. Is she exhausted and forgetful? Mentally unwell? Has terrible judgment? The reasoning behind her actions changes the situation a lot tbh.

You say you’re a hypochondriac. Be careful not to pass this on. The more I read of how you deal with crises and how you treat your wife, the more I think you’d do well to get counselling. She had a lapse of judgment. No one died. No one nearly drowned. Not even close. There was no near miss. Had there been you would have called 999. Hopefully anyone would have.

And did you read the links and my take on the whole incident? I’m the poster, who thinks it sounds as if your baby was holding their breath as the brachycardiac response kicked in. I hope you showed these to your wife.

If you don’t pull your behaviour back, you are going to be far more damaging to your children. The way you’ve been treating your wife is appalling. I’m not surprised she keeps on losing it. You’re driving her insane.

I don’t think it is helpful to feed OP’s anxiety. I made stupid mistakes through being sleep deprived when my babies were that young. It is an anxious time all around this year. Something happened in the home when it’s the outside that is so scary in these times. But everything is okay, lessons learnt, move on.

I agree with PP that you need to get to the bottom of why she wandered off and left a 2yo and 6mo alone in the bath (gently). It's could be severe sleep deprivation... or PPD causing lapse in concentration like others have said. Focus your efforts on making sure this never happens again rather than beating yourselves up.

FWIW I forgot to shut a stairgate once and my then 12 mo climbed to the top before I realised - she could have fallen down and broken her neck. These things do happen. I never forgot again, thats for sure.

I'm sorry but you're still being melodramatic here OP. And if you don't start pulling yourself together and moving on, this is going to affect your children.

Your role in this should be helping your wife regain her confidence. Not damage it even further.

You HAVE to draw a line under this. Your baby is fine. You are back in the place you were before this incident. You've had a shock but it's done. Your one of the lucky ones.

90% of me completely agrees with this. The baby is fine, the world is still spinning, so let's take a deep breath and move on.

But I'm not going to lie... There's the 10% of me who would be wondering what in the actual fuck my spouse was thinking. This was not an accident. Her leaving a 2 year old and 6 month old alone in a tub was pure negligence. She deliberately walked out of that room. My trust in my spouse's judgement would be seriously shaken.

This is a shocking one indeed, but you know, actually most parents did have at least one of this with their children. I always say, if you get a baby alive into adulthood, that is an achievement on its own.
You need to calmly find out what went through her head at that time. I bet on sleep deprivation, and a lost of focus at the time. Was she using a baby bath for her? I was still usibg it at 6 months old. Then just the tiniest bit of water in the bath.
Maybe both children in the bath at the same time is too much? The baby will only really take 5 min to bathe, at least you want to play with her a bit longer. And then the 2 year old. So you have the amount of water and help that applies to each age.
You can bathe them together later on when your little ones grown a bit.

I would suggest she goes to the doctor for a check up, maybe she is anemic, any deficiencies or other issues. And she takes some serious amount of rest. And check with her she is feeling better after that, and that she is feeling focus and attentive.

Be supportive, gentle, and try to ease your load for a bit (easy meals/ sandwiches, less house work, more resting time, sleep ins...)

Parents fuck up one time or other. Luckily 9/10 times the kids are ok.

You are all ok. Your baby will have no memories of this and you both have learned a lesson neither of you will forget.

Forgive your wife and move on.

This reminds me of a time DP put DD to bed when she was just a few months old. I was downstairs and just felt something wasn't right. He was sparko on the bed. She was in her cot with a large teddy completely over her face and at an angle where there was no way to move away from it. Still makes me feel sick.

No advice, just sympathy.