partner gave our 10 month old gone off food

[Cherrybalm]

hi,

hoping someone can reassure me and dampen my irritation too. our 10 month old often has one of those ella kitchen smoothies as a pudding after her dinner. DH does very little of the childcare anyway, today I asked him if he could finish our babies dinner whilst I jumped in the shower quick before he goes to the gym. he is always on his phone - today was no different. I showed him the pouch for our baby, specifically said the orange one. he had his head in his phone as per and glanced up and nodded.

I get out the shower and he has given her an old PURPLE one that has been in there weeks and weeks that is open. first of all, I am worried now as these things have a message that say they can be kept in the fridge up to 48 hours only. is she likely to get sick? secondly, this just highlights his lack of parenting and how much time he spends on his phone

it was in date but I couldnt even tell you how long it has been at the back of the fridge, long forgotten. so furious

Yes I would be massively annoyed. He clearly doesn’t listen and sounds like a second child for you . Ask him to sort the fridge out and generally help you more,which is probably the reason the out of date pouch was overlooked.

@nhsnamechange

You lot should be ashamed of yourselves! Such fucking nasty comments.

Op, he sounds like an absolute waste of space to be honest with you. Did her come home/reply to your message?

Could you afford some relationship counselling?

I second this !! This poor mum was looking for reassurance and all she got was really patronising,nasty comments! Her partner sounds a complete layabout which is probably why mum is a bit disorganised. She jumped in the shower because he was going to go off to the gymn!! I thought MN was all about giving other parents support!

Tbh it doesn't sound like micromanaging to me, it sounds like he can't be arsed to be a parent, you forgot to take the purple one out, so what? He should've been paying attention if he can't use his own initiative. You are not being unreasonable!

I'm sure she'll be fine, I was a child of the 70's and all food was eaten regardless of sell by dates. I have the constitution of an ox when it comes to food 👍

How did he respond to your request to talk about things? The situation is horrible for you. I can't imagine not being able to trust my kids dad to look after them! The phone issue is bad on many levels. As your DD gets older the lack of attention from him will impact on her. And you should certainly be able to raise point out a mistake without being called names, especially the c word, that is a huge problem. That's not the environment you or your DD deserves.

He sounds like a crap partner and a non attentive father. Yes this is a thread about a single incident but take a full look at your relationship and how much value he brings your family unit

What the actual fuck is going on in this thread? Why is it the OP's responsibility to plan all her DD's meals, prepare them, tell her OH what he needs to feed her if she dares to go get a shower, and ensure all gone off food is cleared out of the fridge regularly? I mean, how could the poor useless man possibly have got this right when OP had left another decoy pouch in the fridge. Jesus.

And it's not micromanaging, it's making sure her DD is looked after, because if she didn't tell him exactly what to do he'd do fuck all.

Glad your DD is ok this morning OP. Ignore all the twatty replies you've had.

@Spam88 thanks, I cant imagine those who have replied in such form will be back to justify their responses sadly - I would like to know why the vultures piled in like that too!

he acknowledged it was his fuck up and said it made him feel shit because something had happened to her in his care again but this sort of thing could be avoided if he would just get off his phone! and give her the attention she deserves when in his care. I'm not saying you cant ever go on your phone (I'm on mine now) but not if you're so distracted she ends up in harm's way.

@Cherrybalm ignore those stupid comments. Ridiculous to put the blame on you. The problem is your partner called you a cunt, has zero interest in his own child or wife and spends all of his time disengaged or physically elsewhere.

You need to ask him what he wants. If he wants out better to know - you can't live like this and it's not normal behaviour for a new dad. Was this baby a surprise? Does he resent you for having her? Because he's sure as hell not interested currently.

Maybe he needs to spend more time with her one on one to form a bond. Maybe he feels like he can't do anything right (NOT your fault) and needs to learn and practise and for you to be not there for a time.

You need a good discussion and for him to put his fucking phone down, forget about the gym, and you show him the basics and let him practice. Let him make mistakes and be not perfect and let him enjoy being a dad. Go out or go to the gym yourself for several hours. You don't have to do all of this all of the time.

It's his bloody fridge too! You should not have to do all the things, all of the time OP. Those saying you should've chucked it in the bin are perpetuating the idea that it's the woman's job to do absolutely everything.

It sounds like you are having a really tough time of it, and you deserve better. Do you think realistically he will change?

Firstly, I'm sure baby will be fine, again I'm no doctor, but reckon if it was off fruit, she would have refused it or thrown it up.
Other posters, it must be lovely to live in your perfect world where no food is ever found out of date!
As for your OH, the mobile phone has a lot to answer for. I've been there, and been the invisible partner just watching him sit for hours on the phone while life went on around him. It wasn't a happy ending in my case, and now I regret not doing something sooner.
Do you have any friends you can just go out for a coffee with? A bit of decent adult company does wonders for your mood. And if it's just a coffee, baby can go too.
Did you send that text to him and has he replied?

I'm thinking this incident isn't really the problem, so people who are jumping on the out of date food in the fridge need to calm down a bit.

He made a mistake giving her the wrong food, you both made a mistake by having out of date food still there. As you said yourself though it was in date, it'd just been opened a while. My partner literally doesn't understand why it matters that something has been opened. He'd eat mayo weeks and weeks after the limit because it's in date until next year, not understanding that when it was opened makes a difference.

But it sounds like you have more of an issue with his parenting in general, and this is just one issue that's the last straw kind of thing.

If that is the case, you need to sit him down and talk to him properly. Explain that his daughter needs his full attention as she's too little to look after herself.

Honestly, my best friend's wife always has her head in her phone, and has done for years, and she now has two teens in counselling, the youngest of whom has stated outright that mum would rather look at her phone than chat to her when she gets home from school.

Kids do notice, it's sad, and simply has to be addressed.

@Biggles001 its always the phone. or the gym. always something, yes and he acknowledged he fucked up but I dont think he really sees the problem with the phone use. I dont think he realises how much it takes over his life. it's very boring trying to have a conversation with someone or having to repeat instructions multiple times.

yes, I'm going to see some family who live fairly close by tomorrow which will hopefully make me feel a bit more sane!

Jesus Christ! Perhaps all the fridge police on here would like to post photos of their immaculate fridges?! 🙄

I’m sure it will be fine, just obviously keep an eye on her.

And I hope you have Given your OH a massive bollocking, mine is exactly the same.

X

tbh with you I highly doubt any of the earlier posters are going to explain why they went in like that, namely @momoftwo76 who was beyond nasty. it's very telling to me that mumsnet HQ deleted my post telling her to fuck off but allow pile ons of the nature I recieved on here and certainly not for the first time. I understand to a certain degree in AIBU as to a point you kind of know that you are potentially going to get some brutal responses but when someone posts in an area called parenting when they are concerned about their 10 month old baby, a lot of posters on here have been pretty vile and may wanna rethink how they conduct themselves.

@Cherrybalm
If you've not been totally put off by this thread, it might be worth starting one in relationships focussed more on your partner and relationship. I think that's where your problem lies, the food pouch is a red herring

[quote Veterinari]@Cherrybalm
If you've not been totally put off by this thread, it might be worth starting one in relationships focussed more on your partner and relationship. I think that's where your problem lies, the food pouch is a red herring [/quote]
@Cherrybalm I read your thread yesterday and was gobsmacked by some of the replies you received.

Your DH is an utter arse I'm afraid but without wanting to sound critical, how did it to get to the stage where you have no down time and he is out so much with you not saying something. I would have gone nuclear very early on!!

I agree with whoever said that he is bloody selfish to allow you to get to such an exhausted state and do nothing to pitch in with, you know, being a parent! The gym can wait or you at least take it in turns.

The one thing I will take from this thread is that I do everything on my phone down to house insurance, booking holidays, etc, but my children don't see it like that, they just think that mummy is on her phone all the time, so I'm going to stop doing that while they're around!

Please have a serious chat with your H and tell him to shape up. The results of that chat will tell you what you need to know x

I'm not really sure how this balance ended up becoming so apparent. when he signed up to the gym I mentioned about him not being able to then help in the evenings and he said it wouldn't be an every day thing. then it changed to oh only until my body gets to the shape I want but that was a while ago now. the weekends he is around during the day but I feel like there is always something he needs to "pop" out for. it's weird. if I'm going somewhere I assume she will be coming with me, if he goes out he assumes I will be looking after her, I have definitely ended up in the default main career role. I'm returning to work soon aswell so this cant continue otherwise I will just burn out. I've tried to put the initial comments down to it being a bad day with the new announcement lol cant imagine being that nasty for no reason to someone on parenting not even AIBU

carer*

If you don't mind me saying it sounds as if there's is a bit too much "assuming" going on in your relationship and not enough talk.

I think you need to lay it out in black and white and be prepared to take time out on a weekend and he has to learn to care for the baby on his own too.

He's not on your team at the moment and that needs to change.

Just ignore the idiotic posts from yesterday because that's what they were - it was very easy to see between the lines the real problems in your OP! Good luck! X

pretty much - I'm not even sure hes aware of his own selfishness, I think he honestly thinks because he does little bits here and there with our baby that he does enough but in comparison to my role its negligible. I think the fact I'm going back to work soon is really playing a big part in my overall feeling towards the situation as I wont be able to do as much of it on my own as I am currently. the food pouch was just me reaching the end of my tether, a sort of I asked you to help with one thing and you couldnt be bothered to listen to me kind of thing. thanks for being nice about it!

tbh with you I highly doubt any of the earlier posters are going to explain why they went in like that

Because it was a bit of a drip feed tbh. Started off with the man accidentally feeding his kid the wrong pouch, which is something I can imagine either myself or DH doing, and being a bit of a screen addict (I'm guilty of this myself) then suddenly he was calling you a cunt etc. It became apparent, as PP said, that your issue is not in fact a food pouch, but your entire relationship. If you'd led with that you'd probably have gotten different responses.

@FourPlasticRings that's utter bollocks and you know it. still doesnt excuse the responses I recieved from some of you, when I posted in parenting that I was anxious about the health of my 10 month old. I also did state in my initial post the lack of listening to me due to the phone use.

no need to be so defensive just because someone has had the inclination to finally call the vultures on this site out. own your stance if you are one, dont try an excuse the way some of you responded.

and FYI the cunt comment was only added by me in response to someone asking if I had spoken to him about it, so quite clearly not a drip feed - like I said own the fact that some of you piled on for no good reason, I am not the only one who thought it was out of order

that's utter bollocks and you know it

If you say so. The subject of this thread did a total 180. Read your initial post- no mention of name calling or relationship drama. Just 'DH did this because he was distracted on his phone, will DD be OK?' which most answered (yes, she probably will be, look out for XYZ, don't leave gone off food in your fridge in future, which is a fair enough response I'd say). Then you became very defensive about the food and started giving increasingly extreme examples of your husband's poor behaviour. At first, it did look like you were just having an OTT reaction to a simple mistake without examining your own part in it, and I stand by the comments I made working under that premise.