16 year old making our lives miserable

[Totaldespair]

Hi all. I know this topic has been done to death but I'm desperate for advice.

My 16 year old daughter is becoming increasingly difficult to live with. She is rude, arrogant, lazy, treats the house like a hotel and I can't quite believe how miserable she makes us all feel. She has been like this for a couple of years now but it seems that now she is 16, she thinks she doesn't have to follow a single house rule and can talk to me and my husband like shit. It has got to the point where she swears at us, comes home whenever she feels like it, leaves the house in a total mess and never cleans up after herself, will not do a single thing around the home and when we try to discipline her she just goes out anyway and does what she wants.

My mental health is now rock bottom. I'm ashamed to admit that I actually want her to leave but she has nowhere to go.

We've always been very loving, supportive parents and she and her younger brother are our whole world. I feel like I've completely failed as a parent as she is so vile, I can't quite believe I gave birth to her. Her 12 year old brother is the complete opposite to her and I know he doesn't understand why she is so awful either.

Has anyone had a similar experience? I'm not sure how to discipline her when she just disregards everything I say.

I would try the teenagers section of the forum , there are a lot of people with similar issues . It’s under Being a parent

So she does nothing?

How does she eat or have clean clothes? Who cleans her room? Who pays for the WiFi? Who buys her shoes?

Come on op - there’s loads she should earn

Stop making her life easy.

When you say you try to discipline her, what does that look like? Is she behaving like this because she gets away with it and then just keeps pushing the boundaries?

You withdraw any facilties you provide. No washing /cooking /change WiFi password. Zero cash or lifts.

Well I refuse to clean her room anymore and you would be horrified if you saw it. I do the laundry and now leave her ironing for her to do. She irons the odd thing as and when she needs it. I make meals but she is rarely here. She turned 16 mid July and still has birthday money from family which I assume she is using to eat out. With regards to disciplining her, I tell her she is grounded and she just goes out anyway. I'm not sure how to handle that. I can't lock her in her bedroom.

I am not giving her any money at all now. Or lifts. I will change the WiFi password tonight.

If her clothes dont make it to the wash basket then dont wash. Tell her what time tea/dinner is and if she misses it- tough! Dont buy snacks. Dont give her any money unless she has earned it, and if she does manage to do some chores, give her some pocket money and praise the effort. Try to be positive in what you say, take a deep breath! You will notice a difference in yourself and her.

If she leaves a mess in any rooms apart from her bedroom, then tidy it up without saying anything, hard I know, but will take some of the resentment away. My mum told me she used to put our clothes away for is as she couldnt bear to see them on the side for ages, and I did the same for mine, it didnt make me a slob.

Honestly I could have gladly killed mine when they were this age (this is why some animals eat their young 😂)

It takes an awful lot of patience and tough love, it is so hard not to moan at them or nag but all that does is stress you out and pushes them away.

It does get better!! A few more years yet of selfishness and ungratefulness but it will get better!

Have you tried sitting down with her and explaining to her how she’s making you feel, and that it doesn’t have to be this way?
I know it’s easier said than done, but sometimes they need to hear how hurtful and nasty they’re being and how much you love them no matter what but that their behaviour is really affecting you.

Posted my comment as you posted yours!

I wouldn't change the wi-fi password, it's honestly not worth the resentment.

As for lifts, you can stop altogether or every now and then just message back to say 'Sorry, I'm a bit busy right now' 🙂

Close her bedroom door.....my dd was an absolute dirt bag, we used to call her Stig!

Oh god I was about to write a similar post! Our DD is being a nightmare only with the added bonus of saying that we hate her and we’re awful parents. Honestly it’s driving us bonkers atm.

I’ve tried everything above it just makes her worse! Has anyone actually I done what they’ve said above?

I had this and when I ended up on crutches for a month my teens were called in and held accountable to help for the sake of the younger sibling. ( you can often buy crutches from charity shops if ever you want to try this ! Just don't get caught !) good luck !

@Itsrainingnotmen

You withdraw any facilties you provide. No washing /cooking /change WiFi password. Zero cash or lifts.

Agree with this, there's lots to stop doing if a teen doesn't want to cooperate.

I was a total dick when I was 16, honestly awful.

My mum used to rage at me, lock me out of the house, take everything away etc etc.

What actually worked was my dad (who is v calm) sat me down and just basically cried and said he loved me but I was making life so bloody awful for the whole household.

He gave me 6 months, if by the end of that time I hadn’t decided to be part of the family then fine, he would help me find a job and somewhere to live (supported accommodation for younger teens) and move me out.

I didn’t change into an angelic teen overnight, but I also didn’t want to leave my home and realised I couldn’t just be a twat all day every day and expect people to put up with it. Dad being calm and just honest with me hit home harder than any of the screaming my mum did.

Take her phone away, no Internet. If she has a TV or anything else in her room, take that away. Dont do her washing, don't make her food. If she leaves mess around, if possible, dump it in her room.
She will run out of money eventually. Don't give her anymore, and hide your money aswell.

She might be a really badly behaved teenager.
Or.
She might be being trafficked.
This began two or so years ago, it's getting worse, she's not home for meals, she won't accept discipline ... a trafficked child might show any of those signs.
Who is she with, when she isn't at home?

Have you tried talking to her and compromising op? Trying to stop this being a battle field, but more try to reach her through reasoning, explaining you know she’s older now and wants her social life, (boost her up) explain you want a harmonious house and try to reach some sort of mid ground where you both give a little?

Laying down the law, changing the password is just going to up the anti and make this all out war.

@Totaldespair

I am not giving her any money at all now. Or lifts. I will change the WiFi password tonight.

Money and Phone are what works best with my 16yo DD.

I removed the bus prepay card and unless earned (tasks and also good behaviour) she gets no money. So that stifles her ability to go places.

Removing her phone is the ultimate and something that is done only exceptionally but the threat is there if she won't tow the line.

She has s phone contract with limited data (not unlimited) deliberately so that I can control Wi-Fi usage. If she had unlimited data she wouldn't be bothered by Wi-Fi. I use virginmedia to restrict her Wi-Fi usage so she cannot access between 11pm-6am. Her phone is plugged in my bedroom overnight, so she can't smuggle it into her room over night. There is also the threat of no Wi-Fi at other times if her behaviour is bad.

Thank you all for your responses, I really appreciate it.

We have tried the sitting down, talking calmly, all agreeing the house rules. And the following day she breaks anything she agreed to. I have cried. It doesn't seem to make her feel bad. I keep thinking I should just suck it up just to have a calm home, but it honestly makes me so depressed that I'm turning into a doormat. I then worry that while I accept it, she will never change.

I'm certain there is nothing sinister going on as in trafficking or anything like that. I know where she is and who she is with. She is always with a close group of friends. Although she is a nightmare to live with, she is very aware and clued up about matters such as being groomed Or trafficked (we have always discussed things openly and wanted her to be aware of this type of thing) and she has her head screwed on in that sense.

Pick your battles.

For me, certain things are not negotiatable

• mealtimes are sacrosanct and she must be here unless prearranged
• curfew time is negotiate but when agreed it absolutely must be adhered to
• no phone/laptop/tablet use over night (but Netflix on her tv ok if she can't sleep)
• no cash unless earnt (with jobs and behaviour)

But I don't bother battling over

• tidiness. If I want things tidy that's my issue not hers, so I tidy it
• laundry / cooking and other essentials. I see these as my job as parent. She does do household tasks to earn pocket money but if she doesn't do the jobs I do them without bother (she just doesn't then get money). It's not a battle, her laundry/meals will be done daily either way.
• extra curricular sports are never withdrawn as punishment. No matter how bad she is, I'll still take her to swimming training and football club.

Totally agree with FATE.
My ds always has his laundry done but does have to put it into the household laundry basket when I say/ask.

But I will remind.

Came in this evening and he's asked him in car and said jumper he was wearing needs to go in as right colour.
Got in reminded him as after unpacking bag he got distracted. Then when I was about to start the washing reminded him again anything he needs washing must be in basket in 2 minutes.

If it doesn't go in it isn't washed. No biggie. But I allow for him being distracted because a friend comes online and he starts chatting.

Especially so atm because of college bubbles he doesn't see old school friends who do actually go to same college.

What she doing now she’s left school?

She has started college this week. We were keen to hear all about it but she met up with friends straight after her first day and didn't come home until gone 11pm. She told us minimal info over the phone really. I know I will find the college thing hard as they are treated like adults now (no more school apps to keep us posted about homework etc) and she won't keep us informed about stuff so I'm sure she will do the absolute minimum work required and she won't have us nagging about homework cause we won't know anything.

Oh my, that's not ok.

Will she have eaten? Birthday money given in July is surely gone by now - £5 or do for a Maccys, you'd get less than a month to burn through £100 if it's every day. So does she have money?

Do you even know where she is or who she's with?

Do you pay for her phone? Take it off her until she gains some respect.