16 year old making our lives miserable

[Totaldespair]

Hi all. I know this topic has been done to death but I'm desperate for advice.

My 16 year old daughter is becoming increasingly difficult to live with. She is rude, arrogant, lazy, treats the house like a hotel and I can't quite believe how miserable she makes us all feel. She has been like this for a couple of years now but it seems that now she is 16, she thinks she doesn't have to follow a single house rule and can talk to me and my husband like shit. It has got to the point where she swears at us, comes home whenever she feels like it, leaves the house in a total mess and never cleans up after herself, will not do a single thing around the home and when we try to discipline her she just goes out anyway and does what she wants.

My mental health is now rock bottom. I'm ashamed to admit that I actually want her to leave but she has nowhere to go.

We've always been very loving, supportive parents and she and her younger brother are our whole world. I feel like I've completely failed as a parent as she is so vile, I can't quite believe I gave birth to her. Her 12 year old brother is the complete opposite to her and I know he doesn't understand why she is so awful either.

Has anyone had a similar experience? I'm not sure how to discipline her when she just disregards everything I say.

[Nandocushion]

My DC do their own washing when their hampers are full. If they don't have a full load, they ask if anyone else has anything to add to the washer, or they add towels etc which are in the main basket already. It's not wasteful, and again, it's not rocket science. (I guess hampers might be full more often here in US where we don't have school uniform?)

Another question - why on earth would you tidy up a mess a lazy teenager has left in a family space? That's just encouraging bad behaviour and won't help them when they live in a houseshare. If they won't pick up what they left there then it gets dumped on their bed. Shoes and all. I guess that's like tidying up, but it means they will also be put out and not just you, so it's worth trying.

Sorry you're having a tough time, OP. I think some of the behaviour might be down to her diagnosis, but you're right that rudeness and disrespect isn't. I wonder why she won't take her medication?

[InFiveMins]

She sounds like a typical teenager to me and she'll probably grow out of it in a year or so.

It stood out to me how you say your 12 year old is the complete opposite - do you treat the 12 year old differently to her? 16 is a difficult age, maybe cut her some slack and go easy on her.

[PickAChew]

Just seen the maybe adhd post.

Still give her choices to make. They nerd to be explicit, though. Dinner is at xx:xx. Lmk if that doesn't suit, beforehand.

[PickAChew]

If she leaves mess in public/family spaces, tiduly up as you see fit with no remorse.

If her room is a mess, her loss.

If she's not around for dinner, she has to shift for herself.

This is, of course, assuming no mitigating SN.

[passthemustard]

Sounds exactly like my nearly 13yr old DD - if you swap the going out for being in her room w door shut. She's so vile to everyone. I'm worried that's she's a psychopath in all honesty. I have three other children who are a joy. Including an ADHD child who would never talk to me in harsh tones and remonstrates his sister then gets a mouthful back. I have referred her to CAMHS and have my fingers crossed.
I try to stick to boundaries for her but like OP the fall out is just not worth the hassle. It's all very well telling other parents to do this or that but until you've lived it you have no idea.
I don't think I'm a terrible parent I have 3 others who have had the same parenting and are kind, courteous, helpful, cheerful and hardworking.
No advise OP just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and know exactly how hard and conflicting it is.

[Totaldespair]

TeddyIsaHe, she was actually diagnosed with ADHD last year. I think that's why I've let things go on so many occasions. I can accept she is extremely forgetful, messy, disorganised, has poor time management etc. I can't accept the way she speaks to us though. I think the anger and explosive reactions we see are probably ADHD, but as far as I'm aware, being completely disrespectful is not on the list. We have tried all the strategies advised to help her but she refuses to take any of it on board. She has been prescribed Ritalin but now won't take it. I really think we need family counselling but I don't think she would engage with this.

Can I just ask how your ADHD has affected you, if things are better for you and if you've ever had medication for it.

[itsgettingweird]

Well as it's only ds and I who live here it makes sense one of us does laundry.

In this house it's me.

Both will hang up when done but mainly me.

He hoovers whole house including my bedroom and takes out all rubbish and recycling.

He unpacks then shopping.

All these are tasks wither could do and all benefit us both. It makes no sense not to have have set jobs rather than both do the same things and have twice as much work!

[Peaseblossom22]

Laundry is done in bulk at this house, very wasteful for every person to be doing their laundry individually both of water and electricity. This does mean that I do most of it but equally if one person wants to wash jeans then they have to do other people’s jeans as well !

[namechange20202020]

@TeddyIsaHe

I was a total dick when I was 16, honestly awful.

My mum used to rage at me, lock me out of the house, take everything away etc etc.

What actually worked was my dad (who is v calm) sat me down and just basically cried and said he loved me but I was making life so bloody awful for the whole household.

He gave me 6 months, if by the end of that time I hadn’t decided to be part of the family then fine, he would help me find a job and somewhere to live (supported accommodation for younger teens) and move me out.

I didn’t change into an angelic teen overnight, but I also didn’t want to leave my home and realised I couldn’t just be a twat all day every day and expect people to put up with it. Dad being calm and just honest with me hit home harder than any of the screaming my mum did.

I've screenshot this to use on my teenager! Thanks so much for sharing.

[Nandocushion]

I'm baffled at parents who do laundry for 16 year olds. Mine have been doing their own laundry since they were 10 - it's not rocket science and even DS12 does it when he needs to without being asked. Similarly, both 12 and 14yo can make themselves a few simple meals that they like eating (and could make for others too). Why do so many parents treat their children like hotel guests? They need to learn this stuff as soon as possible, and get used to doing it, and not have parents always making excuses for them about college etc.

[TeddyIsaHe]

Would she be open to family counselling?

Is there anything going that you haven’t considered? The reason I was such a shit was because I had undiagnosed ADHD. I didn’t know how to act/explain/feel so I lashed out and was awful.

I’m not saying your daughter has this, but usually when a teen is acting out SO much there has to be a underlying cause.

We all expect bad behaviour, but this seems to have gone beyond that?

[Totaldespair]

Yes I pay for her phone. When I've taken ìt off her in the past she has kicked furniture and screamed at us. I've avoided doing this recently because I can't face her behaviour afterwards, (I know, it's pathetic and weak). But I'm thinking i should take it off her when she gets in tonight and just let her kick and scream.

Yes, I agree none of this is acceptable. Believe me, I only want her out a couple of evenings and home much earlier, but she refuses. I can't use physical force to stop her. I'm responsible for her and don't know what to do to get her to follow some basic rules.

I'm really hoping all her money has almost gone because then she will ask me for some and I will have some leverage.

[itsgettingweird]

And even when they hang out home at 8/9pm.

Ds doesn't finish until 4.30pm at college so town by 5, hour or so eating and hour or so walking and talking and then home.

[itsgettingweird]

Agree. I would expect 1 or 2 evenings after college they'd want to hang out. And yeah go into town for McDs or something. But not 11pm most nights. For a start she won't be doing any homework as you said and also risks burning out.

[FATEdestiny]

Do you pay for her phone? Take it off her until she gains some respect.

[FATEdestiny]

Oh my, that's not ok.

Will she have eaten? Birthday money given in July is surely gone by now - £5 or do for a Maccys, you'd get less than a month to burn through £100 if it's every day. So does she have money?

Do you even know where she is or who she's with?

[Totaldespair]

She has started college this week. We were keen to hear all about it but she met up with friends straight after her first day and didn't come home until gone 11pm. She told us minimal info over the phone really. I know I will find the college thing hard as they are treated like adults now (no more school apps to keep us posted about homework etc) and she won't keep us informed about stuff so I'm sure she will do the absolute minimum work required and she won't have us nagging about homework cause we won't know anything.

[BluebellsGreenbells]

What she doing now she’s left school?

[itsgettingweird]

Totally agree with FATE.
My ds always has his laundry done but does have to put it into the household laundry basket when I say/ask.

But I will remind.

Came in this evening and he's asked him in car and said jumper he was wearing needs to go in as right colour.
Got in reminded him as after unpacking bag he got distracted. Then when I was about to start the washing reminded him again anything he needs washing must be in basket in 2 minutes.

If it doesn't go in it isn't washed. No biggie. But I allow for him being distracted because a friend comes online and he starts chatting.

Especially so atm because of college bubbles he doesn't see old school friends who do actually go to same college.

[FATEdestiny]

Pick your battles.

For me, certain things are not negotiatable

• mealtimes are sacrosanct and she must be here unless prearranged
• curfew time is negotiate but when agreed it absolutely must be adhered to
• no phone/laptop/tablet use over night (but Netflix on her tv ok if she can't sleep)
• no cash unless earnt (with jobs and behaviour)

But I don't bother battling over

• tidiness. If I want things tidy that's my issue not hers, so I tidy it
• laundry / cooking and other essentials. I see these as my job as parent. She does do household tasks to earn pocket money but if she doesn't do the jobs I do them without bother (she just doesn't then get money). It's not a battle, her laundry/meals will be done daily either way.
• extra curricular sports are never withdrawn as punishment. No matter how bad she is, I'll still take her to swimming training and football club.

[Totaldespair]

I'm certain there is nothing sinister going on as in trafficking or anything like that. I know where she is and who she is with. She is always with a close group of friends. Although she is a nightmare to live with, she is very aware and clued up about matters such as being groomed Or trafficked (we have always discussed things openly and wanted her to be aware of this type of thing) and she has her head screwed on in that sense.

[Totaldespair]

Thank you all for your responses, I really appreciate it.

We have tried the sitting down, talking calmly, all agreeing the house rules. And the following day she breaks anything she agreed to. I have cried. It doesn't seem to make her feel bad. I keep thinking I should just suck it up just to have a calm home, but it honestly makes me so depressed that I'm turning into a doormat. I then worry that while I accept it, she will never change.

[FATEdestiny]

@Totaldespair

I am not giving her any money at all now. Or lifts. I will change the WiFi password tonight.

Money and Phone are what works best with my 16yo DD.

I removed the bus prepay card and unless earned (tasks and also good behaviour) she gets no money. So that stifles her ability to go places.

Removing her phone is the ultimate and something that is done only exceptionally but the threat is there if she won't tow the line.

She has s phone contract with limited data (not unlimited) deliberately so that I can control Wi-Fi usage. If she had unlimited data she wouldn't be bothered by Wi-Fi. I use virginmedia to restrict her Wi-Fi usage so she cannot access between 11pm-6am. Her phone is plugged in my bedroom overnight, so she can't smuggle it into her room over night. There is also the threat of no Wi-Fi at other times if her behaviour is bad.

[Bluntness100]

Have you tried talking to her and compromising op? Trying to stop this being a battle field, but more try to reach her through reasoning, explaining you know she’s older now and wants her social life, (boost her up) explain you want a harmonious house and try to reach some sort of mid ground where you both give a little?

Laying down the law, changing the password is just going to up the anti and make this all out war.

[Hailtomyteeth]

She might be a really badly behaved teenager.
Or.
She might be being trafficked.
This began two or so years ago, it's getting worse, she's not home for meals, she won't accept discipline ... a trafficked child might show any of those signs.
Who is she with, when she isn't at home?