What do you do if you’re a bad parent

[AIMD]

If you know your a bad parent, even though you try you bets, what do you do?

I don’t mean abusively bad, I just mean not a great parent. Do you just accept you’re a bit shit.

This afternoon I have been a 'bad parent' my friend came round for coffee and I basically ignored dc (14 and 11) while I sat in the garden with her having a catch up

Is this the definition of a bad parent? Sounds entirely normal to me. Are you meant to provide constant entertainment for teenagers? . Are you literally not supposed to do a single thing for yourself? As a child of the eighties, I spent a lot of time bored whilst my parents socialised.

Not everyone can be candy canes and kittens OP. As long as the kids are clean, fed a healthy diet and given love and support I'm sure they're fine

It's tough at the moment.

Siblings are arguing most of the time. Youngest is very hard to deal with at the moment. I work very hard, but feel guilty most of the time, feel like I'm letting them down.

Have no friends or family to help. That would take the pressure off I think.

Think COVID stuff is getting to me now, and not sure the coil is helping with moods. Feel really unhappy.

You sound like a NORMAL parent.

If you are not neglecting them and not abusing them, honestly, it is fine. Being Mary Poppins is too high of an expectation for anybody.

I think you should be kinder to yourself. Are there specific things which are upsetting you that you'd like to do differently? You mention that you know what to do but you're too tired to do it. I feel like that when I spend too much time on overly idealistic "parenting philosophy" websites. I realised after a while that it's the "parenting philosophy" which is exhausting.

In real life you have needs and matter too. You do not need to parent perfectly all the time, especially at the expense of your mental health. It's OK to be grumpy and make threats or whatever else it is you're worried about. Those kinds of parenting tactics are shortcuts and they work, as long as you have energy for some of the positive stuff some of the time, you get the benefits of it.

I think a lot of siblings are fighting at the moment - too much time together. I wouldn't take that as meaning their relationship is deteriorating.

Oh Op I feel the same. I feel the lack of space and time for myself during lockdown & summer holidays has turned me into a grumpy impatient mum. But then I remember all the fun we HAVE had together and I try not to focus on when I've been snappy or not wanted to play barbies and try and think about all the other stuff we do, the cuddles and the trips to the park etc.

It's tough at the moment, go easy on yourself.

I think it's more your not the parent you thought you would be? I ended up in tears yesterday as I was convinced my 11yr old was hating being part of the family (in her room all day, constantly arguing with her brother). They are off to grandparents for a few days and I think we all need the break. I can be snappy and impatient, I have said things in frustration that I regret, I have also apologised and we have had hugs and started days again. I am working from home 4 days a week and hubby is doing full time work meaning there is 1 day a week we are all together. We don't go out as much as I would like and sometimes I think a break from being mum is what I need... There are other things which aren't great but I really hope they have some good memories and accept I am only human.

You're

I was a much better parent before March. Now I think I'm pretty shit, tbh, so see where you're coming from. Take right now. My two have been up for half an hour already but I'm letting them watch TV while I lie in bed on Mumsnet. Am about to get up, but in March I would have gone straight downstairs. Thing is, after a knackering day yesterday with them I then had to do work for my job from 8:30 to midnight on the computer. Like others have said, I'm exhausted all the time. On Sunday I was in A&E with abdominal pain which was debilitating for days beforehand, and has been going on for two months. I wouldn't normally have needed to go because normally my GP would have sorted out the referral and I would have had my gallbladder out.

You're not a bad parent OP, you're a frazzled parent which is totally normal, especially in the current lockdown situation. You play with them and talk and listen to them, which is good parenting. Do you ever get time to yourself to rest and regroup?

A really good exercise for switching the focus from what you feel you don't do well to what you do do well is to get a big piece of paper and write down 'what children need' in the middle. Around it write anything from basics like 'food' and 'shelter' to things like 'to be listened to' and 'regular hugs' 'praise' etc. Write everything you can think of. Once you've done this, circle everything you provide all the time with a red pen, things you provide most of the time with a purple pen, things you provide inconsistently with a blue pen, and things you never provide with a green pen. I bet there will be far more red and purple circles than anything else.

Listen OP, I’ve been the same since lockdown started. I’m a LP working from home ft, can’t be furloughed, can’t take parental leave and 4yo DD has been very testing. I’ve shouted, I’ve been inconsistent with boundaries and discipline, I’ve been grumpy... and totally eaten up about it the whole time.

I’ve also been very transparent with DD and apologised when I’ve got it wrong, explained what’s going on, and am trying very hard to be better.

But this situation is batshit. It’s not conducive to good parenting. And I’m human. I’m a human alone with a 4yo, 4 days a week (she’s at nursery 9-4 3x days while I work now, but that’s only just started).

Look up “good enough mother” and stop beating yourself up.

You aren't a bad parent, you are a struggling parent. Many of us are!

Look after yourself, so you are able to look after your kids. Get their dad and any other support you have lined up so you can have some time to refresh yourself.

Most childhood dramas are more dramatic than they need to be- you deal with it as best you can and let it go. There'll be another one along shortly!

Stick to specifics instead of rubbishing yourself as a bad parent. Posting a thread 'I'm struggling with my D.C. fighting all the time' will help get strategies to help with that issue.

I use the phrase "I'm not the best parent in the world, but I'm the best parent for my children"

Too much screen time, stressed, cranky, not very social and so on. But no one else knows to let Ds3 say the last word on the page of his story, or that ds2 needs to have choices to be made to do something or that Ds1 has a look when he's feeling down and that a movie and hot chocolate gets him talking.

I take comfort in the fact I know my children and they know I love them, even though I'm not perfect. To be fair they aren't perfect either, they aren't Instagram worthy children so therefore they are not worthy of a perfect Instagram mother! (that's sort of a joke..)

Define bad parent?
Most of us can feel this way at times but if children are loved, safe, secure, well fed, clothed, played with and have positive attention then there is nothing to worry about.
The bad parent feeling is usually more about us and our own insecurities which can make us question ourselves.
Add exhaustion , exasperation and lockdown to the mix, to make matters worse.
Consistency and boundaries are also vitally important with "no meaning no" albeit it far easier to give in when we are are at our wits end.
Children can be pocket sized puppet masters and absolutely marvellous at manipulation making us feel guilty and sorry for them.
I'm no Super Nanny just a new Mumsnet Granny who has brought up five children of my own including twins and fostered many others.
I regularly had nine children to contend with some with complex needs and challenging behaviour.
I've not read all the comments to be honest (sorry) but I don't think you're a bad Mum at all but I'm glad you've posted which is far better than bottling things up and struggling.

Unless you're a hideously abusive, cruel person, most parents love their children and try their best.
However, circumstances often dictate how well we do.
Generally the less stress you have in your life, the easier it is to be a really brilliant involved Mary poppins type of mum.
Lockdown has been really hard for lots of families

Thanks for all the kind comments. It feels a lot better today just with some time having passed.

Also I think reflecting on my own childhood and my own parents lack of ability to cope and manage emotions helps me understand where it’s all coming from.

@AIMD

By bad I mean things like I’m not consist enough with boundaries, I’m not positive, I get stressed and grumpy easily over things like running late and get everyone worked up with my own stresses. Maybe I don’t mean I’m a ‘bad’ parent, maybe I mean I’m ‘not a good’ parent. Certainly not what I hoped I’d be or want to be.

Obviously I try to be better but I end up adding more stress and guilt which makes things worse. I sometimes think if I just except I’m not the best parent and remove the guilt (as if I could anyway) I’d be a lot less stressed and grumpy anyway.

I know exactly what you mean. I am pretty depressed the moment and DS has made some negative comments about what he has for lunch . I let some of my irritation with that show and overreacted and DS ( who has ASD and ADHD) has reacted very badly to that. He is a child ( now teenager)who needs level of calm and positivity in all interactions that is completely beyond me quite often.So I have really started a downward spiral of emotional arguing over nothing really. I can apologise and I do but really this happens enough that the apology is pointless. I think DS won't speak to me much as an adult and I don't blame him really.

As to what I do about it. I try my absolute best stay calm and positive and to moderate my tone to one of kindness instead of irritation. I am much better at it than I used to be but it.really really does not come easily so I live a lot of my life in dissapontment at myself.

@bumblingbovine49 your comment really connected with me. My son (6) is also very sensitive to changes in emotion and any indication of frustration or annoyance so I spend a lot of time holding on emotions and trying hard to be calm (which I manage well most of the time). Reading your post makes me wonder if holding in that emotion doesn’t help and maybe I need to think about that. Showing/releasing emotions regularly but in a healthy way rather than smooshing them down to maintain a calm front.