What age should you let children out on their own? and is being at private school another consideration, because they may not have experienced difficult social situations outside or inside school?

[bws83]

I have a son age 12 in a local private school, he has been kept quite sheltered for some time now, and does not leave the house alone. I just wondered what other people thought about when the right time is to give children more independence and any strategies they may have to do so safely. And how to know when you are keeping your child too sheltered. Tough question it was one the of the key reasons for choosing private education to dodge the problems that plague society in state schools, but how much is too much?

A NT 12 year old I would say is to I sheltered. Does he never do anything with friends? Go to the cinema, a park or a shop? Tricky at the moment though.

'Dodge the problems that plague society in state schools' just wow! Good luck to him with life dodging all the problematic state school kids🤣

I was going to post I worry that my 9yo is a bit mollycoddled as the only places she goes alone (well, with her younger sister) are the postbox, playpark and around the field in front of our house, because we live out of town. From September she will be allowed to leave school by herself, which will mean finding our car by herself since we live too far for her to walk home.

At 12, you need to work on his independence a bit, unless you live in a war zone or an island in the middle of the sea etc!

I went to private school and at 12 I was staying alone for 3 days at a time while my (single) mum needed to travel on business and had no one she trusted to leave me with - doing the cleaning, cooking my food, walking to school and home, etc. I would say certainly by 12 most children are capable of managing some freedom. On normal days, I got myself to school and home, did my homework, started dinner, etc. while my mum was working. I would think certainly he should be going to meet friends, going to the cinema, going for a bike ride, etc. on his own/with friends (obviously, maybe not right now during a pandemic though). You may not want him to experience crime and violence (I'm assuming that's what you mean by the sorts of problems you worry about), but it's important to learn some life skills and independence.

What problems are you hoping to dodge?

I would expect a 12 year old to be going to the local shop, walking Tim friends houses, maybe starting to go to the cinema or bowling with friends.

Where do you live?
I live in the suburbs and kids walk to school, park to meet friends or shop to buy one or two forgotten items around age 8
Kids go further afield (cinema, shopping ..) around age 10
Your son is very sheltered. Private schools have the same problems like drugs (the kids have more money) so you're kidding yourself if you think that you're escaping them.

You've dodged one problem and created another one by not letting him go anywhere alone at aged 12. You need to change this asap and give him some independence.

It may sound harsh but you seem to be actively ruining your child by the sounds of it with your reasoning for sending him to private school. Social mixing and facilitating independence are key factors in bringing up well rounded children. Change your attitude.

Can he get himself to school. That would seem to be a start.

Pop to the shops to get milk when you need it etc.

And seriously sort out your attitude the state schools!

I think its area dependant. My friends child doesnt go out alone much as people get mugged on her street regularly and its a major road.

My local area the kids go out alone from year 6.

Year 6 is the right time really, and that's when dd and her friends started getting themselves to and from school and popping to the local shops etc. I think 12 is quite old to have never left the house alone.

Oh and your attitude towards state schools sucks. You sound like a massive snob.

The drugs and bullying culture is much worse at my local private school than the local state school... So he should be fine...

I tend to disagree with the majority. It makes shit all difference being allowed out alone at 12. MN thinks kids learn independence from being out alone. I think kids learn from seeing their parents model the necessary behaviour.

But for Christ’s sake don’t think private school keeps your child away from problems. They are just a slightly different set of problems, that’s all. My kids are at a private school and the parents include: people who have served time, domestic abusers, criminals, liars, thieves, as well as the majority who are ordinary normal people. Just like state schools. A kid in my child’s Y9 class came in drunk and got suspended. Kids have sex with each other. Some are vicious nasty bullies. There are plenty of problems.

Make sure he can contact you at all times is the main thing. At the start of the Summer hols last year (he was 11) we bought him a mobile so that he could start going out a bit, since he would be getting the bus to school. So he walked into the village to see friends, sometimes took his bike to the park (no big roads) and he walked the dog in the nearby fields. Not all children who go to state schools have horns, and unless you live in a rough area I think he'll be fine.

Some people's ideas about state schools are very odd! Maybe the ones where you live are bad but in my area they are mainly rated outstanding/good and don't have a reputation for being plagued with problems.

To answer your question I started to let my DS have some independence outside from year 6 of primary but that was initially just to walk to the local shops and back or to walk to school and back on tie or own or with a friend.

It was done gradually and with lots of rules in place.

At 12/13 I relaxed a little bit but still the following applied.

Can I go and hang out at the park? - no

Can I go to the park with X and be back in an hour? - yes.

Can I go to the high at and hang around - no

Can I go to the high at to get a specific item/ have a coffee with X at Costa and then come straight back - yes

Now at 14 I'm happy for him to come as go as long as I know where he is going and who he will be with. I never allow him to just hang around - he has to have a purpose.

He knows who the kids are who he should avoid associating with. He knows to come home if he sees trouble brewing. He knows the places to avoid.

DD has just turned 12 and she is now able to meet a friend for coffee or go to the shops or park as long as we agree times and I know at all times where she is. She also checks in every now and again to let me know what she's doing.

Obviously the pandemic has put further restrictions on their freedom but they've still managed to have socially distanced meet ups with friends.

We live rurally and all trips for my children involved being dropped off and picked up. There are no local shops to go to. As they were at a private school they had no local friends so the majority of their socialisation was his sleep overs. Encouraging independence involved dropping them off to meet up
With friends to go to the cinema or out for lunch or supper and then picking them up later. I don't feel that they ever missed out or were particularly isolated but it does take a bit of effort and planning as location determines that it can't happen naturally.

Bullying is as widespread in the private sector as it is in the public, if not worse. Many private schools are in well dodgy areas. Ashford School anyone? Fabulous school, dodgy as fuck outside the gate.

It is very unusual that a 12 year old has zero independence from his mother. Do his classmates pick up on that? You really need to start giving him some independence. DD at 12 was going out to the town centre with her friends in the evenings, and Sundays. Curfew was 9pm.

I will ignore the private school comment as it isn't really a factor
The point is that part of educating our children is teaching them to manage new situations .
Eg from 5 or 6 letting them buy some sweets or whatever while you stand outside the shop; letting them play with friends with minimal supervision.
From about 8 when they have road sense letting them post a letter or pop up to a neighbour's house or run the dog round the block.
From 10 or so get home from school alone . From 11 catch public transport alone and be independent as regards getting to and from school and visiting friends if they live nearby.
All of the above depend on where you live and it might be that in some areas the children would have a lot more freedom than this at earlier ages . As far as the above and leaving a child alone at home the child has to feel comfortable and confident about each new freedom and this can also vary a lot.
What does your DS want to do?

I mean, I went to a state school but I have friends who went to private schools and honestly, the facilities may have been nicer and the accents a little posher, but there was bullying and all of the rest of it in their schools too. People are people, children are children, and money certainly isn’t a vaccine against being a thoroughly unpleasant person. As for the rest... well, all I can say is that I’ve never snorted neat spirits through a straw, which is more than can be said for some of my privately educated friends! (My eyes are watering just to imagine it!)

Unclench, is what I’m saying here.

It makes shit all difference being allowed out alone at 12. MN thinks kids learn independence from being out alone. I think kids learn from seeing their parents model the necessary behaviour.

Except parents aren't likely to come across the sorts of situations that teenagers come across... it's not developing independence or learning appropriate behaviour at all, it's developing the confidence to be able to deal with situations by yourself, rather than relying on parents.

Don’t hold your son back from the what ifs. I never let my son do anything as was worried about all these scenarios that played in my head. He ended up with really bad anxiety and didn’t know how to handle situations that happened outside the house. My daughter from 11 was given independence, she can cook, clean, wash her own clothes, make wise decisions when anything happens, is aware of her surroundings and knows how to stay safe. She has came across some trouble when being on a bus etc but she had the maturity to deal with what was happening and isn’t phased by anything as you can’t stop it from happening. Where I thought I would protect my son from the outside world but he then didn’t have the skills to deal with the outside world as it doesn’t matter what you don’t want them to see unfortunately they do see some things

The horror stories I've heard about what goes on in private schools suggest there's no dodging anything. You just don't want your child making friends with anyone you believe us beneath you. I'd never put my children into private school, whether I was rich or not.

NT kids should be going out on their own from year five or six, depending on the area they live in.

My DD took herself to school and back from the January of her last year at primary . Would’ve been home alone for around an hour until I arrived from work . Walked to tube and @45 min journey to other side of London to school at secondary . From secondary generally took herself to and from friends meet ups - she had a phone and always texted when leaving wherever she was to let me know eta home .
So yes , loosen up , cut him some slack and responsibility .

Does it not depend more on where you live? If kids live rurally they cant always walk to the shop whereas I grew up where the shop was around the corner so could go there from around age 9. In the same way, safe estate, fine, but we once lived in a place where kids walked about with lead pipes, if we lived there not so much! Anyway with covid kids out and about is gone out the window ...

it was one the of the key reasons for choosing private education to dodge the problems that plague society in state schools

Words fail me 😂😂

DD has been going to and from the shops in town with friends since she was 12.