What age should you let children out on their own? and is being at private school another consideration, because they may not have experienced difficult social situations outside or inside school?

[bws83]

I have a son age 12 in a local private school, he has been kept quite sheltered for some time now, and does not leave the house alone. I just wondered what other people thought about when the right time is to give children more independence and any strategies they may have to do so safely. And how to know when you are keeping your child too sheltered. Tough question it was one the of the key reasons for choosing private education to dodge the problems that plague society in state schools, but how much is too much?

When I was at a state secondary school, we used to buy our drugs from the pupils of the local private school. My SIL went to boarding school. If anything she got up to far more than I did at the same age, and I was certainly no sheltered angel.

Leaving that aside- yes, I would say for the vast majority of 12 year olds it is unreasonable for them to have no independence to the point of never being allowed out alone. Most 11 year olds travel to and from school without adult supervision, so I suppose I would start there if my 12 year old really was that restricted. And that not being an option right now, I would be encouraging him to do things like walk to a local shop or bike to a friend's house.

I would also be very surprised to find that he had not already been out and about without your knowledge, unless he really is kept under surveillance 24/7!

I think depends how safe your local area is.

We started at nearly 11 with a trip to Starbucks and a wander around shops on a small retail park, with both me and the other mother also in the retail park.

Now at nearly 12 she can go and meet friends in the park/woods/shops.

Our rules are that she asks if she’s going anywhere different and we agree a time she’s to be home by.

She can spot ‘dodgy’ people (hoods up etc). She’s fully trained in what to do if an adult asks her to come with her, pulls up in a car etc.

I’ve spent some time trying to work what I think the risks are which has been reassuring. I’ve told her to keep her phone out of view where possible and if she’s mugged to just give up what they’re asking for.

Is there anything in particular you’re worried about?

I think you are right to be cautious op, you clearly live in a dodgy area given what you say about the state schools where you are.

Can you not afford to move to a better area?

My 12 year old is out shooting up heroin all day with his state school friends. You should definitely stop your DS going out alone in case he encounters them!

I think this interesting - my DC are still young but me and DH are discussing whether to move out of London to the countryside.

I have always lived in London and from age 10 (yr 6 in new money) I walked to and from school and had my own key. I waited at home for over an hour for my mum to come home. From 12/13 we regularly got the tube to Oxford St and spent our Saturdays in Topshop. I had a Saturday job at 14. I think I had more freedom than he did at that age (at that age his parents had moved out of London to a tiny village) but he disagrees because he got to ride his bike along country lanes 🙄 ( something which he now agrees he would not let our children do at 13/14).

My niece lives in the country (a village) and only started going to and from school alone this year (she is yr8) and she is not allowed on the bus to town on her own or with friends (this was pre Covid, she isn't allowed out at all now). She would definitely not be allowed to ride her bike on the road. She gets a school bus to school and is driven everywhere by her parents. She wouldn't actually know how to get on a bus and pay etc.

I think children in towns and cities get to experience more freedom in a way as once they are responsible enough they can get buses/ tubes but country kids are still driven everywhere. They don't get to "pop to the shop" if that shop is a 3 mile drive away (ours is a two minute walk and we don't have to cross a road even).

I think the age children do things should be based on their personal characteristics and surroundings - I was much more sensible than my sister and so was allowed to do things at a younger age than her. I don't think there is a set age and what school they go to shouldn't matter - although I went to a different senior school to my sister and mine taught personal responsibility from a young age - we had to look after our money (no parent pay back then, my sister's school used tokens rather than cash), no bells - we had to be where we were supposed to be by looking at the clock, we were all allowed out at lunchtime but any reports of bad behaviour and the privilege was removed. I think if the school babies him then, yes, you should have concerns but it shouldn't matter whether it is fee paying or not.

Perhaps a useful first approach would be to open your eyes to the problems which exist in private schools - a couple of very desirable private schools in our area have had drug and other issues in excess of those encountered in state schools.

The biggest gift you can give your child is the skills to move independently into the world. I’m assuming they will be year 8 in September? Yes they should definitely be going out and about by themselves. The vast majority of secondary children will travel independently to school on public transport.

I feel like you are quite sheltered yourself OP as your understanding of state schools and private schools is so far removed from any reality I’ve ever encountered.

You must live in an absolute shit hole of an area if your child could only be kept safe by being sent to private school. So maybe keep him at home indefinitely?

to dodge the problems that plague society in state schools

I kind of think you're sheltered for thinking this. My private school was riddled with drugs because the kids could afford it. Also, bullying doesnt go away just because someones family has a bit of money.

My Dd started at Private school aged 11 and she was definitely more streetwise than her peers who had come from the prep attached. She joked that while I had been one of the stricter parents at her Primary school I was one of the most relaxed at her Private school!
Now she is 15 and the difference isn’t as marked but there are still plenty of them who have never been on a bus for example.
I am not sure exactly what you are hoping to avoid by not using a State school but if you feel Private school is making your son too sheltered it’s up to you to change that.

You sound like a tit OP. I don't think state school problems are going to affect your son but your horrendous attitude will.

Your 12 year old has never been out alone? Do you live in a dangerous area?

These kinds of threads are always fruitless as it is so context-dependent.

If you live in an area where roads have no pavements and often high banks or blind bends, then it would be utterly irresponsible for a child to walk to school by themselves. If your shop is round the corner on a quiet housing estate with pavements then it is probably fine for a 10 year old to walk there alone.

There is also a big difference between going out with a sibling and a child going out alone.

I haven't got figures to hand, but I understand that children of 10-13 are particularly at risk from pedestrian road accidents as they haven't yet learned to judge the speed of vehicles.

Naïve is probably the kindest description for your attitude towards state school but there are far more apt words.

Seriously, think about it for a moment. A 12 year old who has never left the house without parental supervision? Sent to private school to avoid the 93% of people his own age / bullying, drug taking and uncouth behaviour which OBVIOUSLY only occurs in state school?

Which part of that screams "well balanced individual" to you?

Wow.

If it helps allay your concerns, the private schools near us have massive bullying, drug and knife crime problems. So he’s probably going to be fine slumming it with the state school gang...

My did started at around 10 going to the local shops, meeting a few friends briefly in the park. She's always been a fairly independent girl (as is DS now 13). At 12 she was taking a bus home from Secondary herself and on occasions cooking dinner - simple dinners like beans on toast, sausage and mash etc.

Now at 15 she's one of the most savvy of her friends. She's at a rural secondary (we're at the edge of a big city) and most of her friends life very far into the countryside and are always driven around. When they've gone out for food together dd notices she's always the one ordering food for everyone as the others seem a bit more unsure. I'm sure that will change.

Incidentally I have 3 nieces who all went to private school - they're lovely people but definitely had a huge wake up call at Uni as they not street-smart at all. The youngest is 18 but you would put her at around 14/15. At their private school (in the eldest's year) there were 2 teenage pregnancies, huge amount of drugs, alcoholism and cases of parent neglect (my sister was a governor). You don' have any guarantee at Private School for private school sake.

The Twat (op) hasn’t returned so it’s probably a wind up.

My 12yo started going to the shop at the end of the road at about 10 and off round the local shopping centre by herself for half an hour then meeting back with us at the same age.

Now she'd walk to school if she wasn't so lazy and meets friends in town for Starbucks or shopping or in the park for (at the moment) socially distanced picnics . COVID has meant that her wings have been clipped for a while but if not for that I'd let her go to cinema etc.

I let mine out in the back court area at 4.
Thats an enclosed area overlooked by my kitchen window and I knew other Mums were also keeping an eye.
DS(8) is now allowed to take himself to the playground and run errands at the local shop.
At 12 I would hope they could take themselves into town by bus.
When I was 12, I cycled to the beach with friends, in the next town over.

OP not been back?
Funny that.

We live rurally and all trips for my children involved being dropped off and picked up. There are no local shops to go to. As they were at a private school they had no local friends so the majority of their socialisation was his sleep overs. Encouraging independence involved dropping them off to meet up
With friends to go to the cinema or out for lunch or supper and then picking them up later. I don't feel that they ever missed out or were particularly isolated but it does take a bit of effort and planning as location determines that it can't happen naturally

Exactly the same for my DD's. Neither really did anything independent until much later. DD1 did take the train to school from 14, with a change, but school was right by the train station.

DD2 was therefore sent on the train at 12, to the same station, but for a different school, which meant crossing the road. She was knocked down by a car, and didn't become re-independent again until 16. So, not great for her independence.

to dodge the problems that plague society in state schools

So snobby!

At the age of 12 I was getting the train one stop to go to the shopping centre with a group of friends.

Wow he's far too sheltered , I went to public school and in the holidays often went alone (or more often with my dog) to visit my grandmother for the day 80 miles away by train. I hacked my horses out alone for up to a couple of hours at a time and spent hours in various parts of the family farm helping with crops and hay making. I wouldn't say I was streetwise by any figure of the imagination but did like being busy and had a responsible attitude that only can be developed if some freedom is given

Sorry I didnt mean that everyone in state schools are bad, I went to one, I just meant the challenges with discipline and bullying.

It's more that he is quite shy and not sure if he could stick up for himself, also he doesnt know any local kids, the problem is with the school that lots of kids travel in from remote areas so its hard for him. Just want to make sure he gains confidence but doesnt loose it to a bad incident. Thank you for your reply.