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Parenting

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Original poster

4 year old dinner time battles

89 replies

Alwaysundecided · 31/07/2020 19:01

Hi all,
We are at our wits end with our 4 year-old at dinner time. He has always been difficult at eating but now it's causing huge rows between him and DH and I want to change our approach. As soon as he is told it's dinner time the strop begins 'oh no I hate dinner' etc etc, along with moody teenager face and sigh.

We currently all eat together and he eats what we eat. We do make sure the food we are giving him is things he likes so he isn't being forced to eat things he hates.
He sometimes takes an hour and a half to eat his dinner. At the moment my DH uses the step so if he refuses to eat it he goes on the step repeatedly until he eats, but this can cause huge tantrums.
By the way we aren't cruel or unrealistic, if he doesn't finish his whole plate that's fine but we like him to at least eat most of his dinner, especially the healthiest parts like veggies etc to get a balanced diet.
When I look elsewhere on Mumsnet everyone says just serve dinner and if he doesn't eat it put it in the bin, but then he won't eat a healthy diet. I feel really strongly about the importance of a healthy diet as I refused a lot of food when young and I was really anaemic and skinny. My mum gave up with me in the end as the battles were too much but I happily didn't eat and it was a constant worry for her.
He does actually like vegetables too, as sometimes he happily gobbles them down so it's not a case of hating the food.

Also if he doesn't eat his dinner he doesn't get dessert so if we threw his dinner in the bin it would cause a huge tantrum anyway as he wouldn't get dessert.
What would you do!? We have a lovely relationship with DS and he is generally well behaved, but he has never cared about meals, and it's really putting a strain on DH who does most of the cooking and I hate watching the battles erupt. Help Mumsnet.

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00100001 · 31/07/2020 19:04

I'd stop fighting him.

Serve him dinner with food you know he will eat.

Let him get in with it.

Once he declares he's finished, that's it, remove the food, declare dinner over and that's it.

Don't give him so much food if you know he won't eat it all. And then offer him seconds if he does.

See how that goes for a week and take it from there.

Swifey40 · 31/07/2020 19:05

Punishment for not eating is never a good thing to do. My parents did it with both of my brothers and to this day (both 30's) they have issues with food. Never ever make it a battle of wills, it will inevitably make him have a very difficult relationship with food for the rest of his life!!

00100001 · 31/07/2020 19:06

Stop dessert.

It make it fruit in some form.

Handful of strawberries

Blueberries and plain yoghurt

A small banana

Etc

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00100001 · 31/07/2020 19:08

And stop punishing him for not eating the amount of food you feel he should eat....it clearly isn't working, so why bother?

Original poster

Alwaysundecided · 31/07/2020 19:09

Thanks @00100001 what would you do about dessert? If I say ' have you finished?' he will say no because he knows if he doesn't finish he won't get dessert.
This is why the dinner can take sooo long! We get annoyed and say fine you're clearly finished and take it away and then he has a meltdown saying he isn't finished.

I do wish we had never involved dessert but too late for that now. He has always had it as reward for eating his dinner.

OP posts:

AnnaSW1 · 31/07/2020 19:11

Just stop the battle. It's not healthy. If he's really hungry he'll eat.

Swifey40 · 31/07/2020 19:12

My youngest ds is 5 and has always been difficult with food. We just try to encourage but not ever get angry about food. It's counter productive and they end up dreading meal times which is what is happening to your ds. He has now associated food with being told off and out on the step.

Original poster

Alwaysundecided · 31/07/2020 19:12

Because if we didn't punish him he he wouldn't eat it. I don't want him going without important nutrients. We do get there in the end but it's the battles every night that I want to stop.

OP posts:

Swifey40 · 31/07/2020 19:12

*put

Original poster

Alwaysundecided · 31/07/2020 19:13

Fair enough I'll maybe try that approach for a while and see what happens.

OP posts:

00100001 · 31/07/2020 19:13

Sir him down and explain the new "rules".

He will eat what he wants from main and then be given some fruit for dessert, if he wants it.

Or just stop giving dessert at all.

Basically, you need to stop bribing him to eat the food. So either remove the bribe (dessert) or make dessert just part of the meal.... If needed serve it all together. Stop making dessert a 'reward'.

Swifey40 · 31/07/2020 19:14

You are on your way to creating an eating disorder with him. My parents did this exactly to both my brothers and they both have major issues with food. They are now 26 and 38!

annieannietomjoe · 31/07/2020 19:14

I would chat it out with him before so he knows what's for dinner and he should eat as much as he wants...don't show much attention to what he is or isn't eating...then when you are finished, just say he has a 3 more mins to eat what he wants otherwise it's dessert...I presume dessert is yogurt/fruit or something healthy so then take plate away and serve dessert. Don't engage with tantrums...after a few days you will have a new normal. With my son he was quite a fussy eater but I never made a big deal and just served as we were having...if he doesn't have 5 fruit and veg everyday he will be fine...now he is really good and will eat most things...a switch just happened. Agree with previous posters...no point in making it a battle of wills as no one enjoys that. Also, I do a lot of cooking with my son, he peels the eggs, washed tomatoes ect..he has never eaten eggs but I always have offered, this week he has decided he likes them and eats them...he's only 3 almost 4. Good luck!

Original poster

Alwaysundecided · 31/07/2020 19:15

We are honestly not mean drill sergeant parents. We're pretty lenient with most things and we do have a nice relationship. I think I just feel strongly about nutrition but maybe we need to let it go for a while.

OP posts:

00100001 · 31/07/2020 19:16

@Alwaysundecided

Because if we didn't punish him he he wouldn't eat it. I don't want him going without important nutrients. We do get there in the end but it's the battles every night that I want to stop.

Just let him eat what he wants. You said he will happily tuck in to food sometimes, so it's not an aversion or texture thing.

Stop battling him.

If he goes hungry for a bit, then so be it. If he only eats half a fish finger and a fork full if peas and he's hungry later....then give him more food. Like toast or something "boring".

Stop him seeing dessert as a reward...

Lazypuppy · 31/07/2020 19:16

My dd only gets pudding if she eats enough of her meal. If she doesn't eat enoigh, it doesn't matter but there is no pudding.

She also doesn't get hours to make a decision, once she has had more than enough time and everyone else has finished food gets taken away and i get her down from the table.

ThickFast · 31/07/2020 19:18

Have a read of this. It’s evidence based approach to getting kids to eat. By an infant feeding specialist at a uni. www.childfeedingguide.co.uk/

00100001 · 31/07/2020 19:18

@Alwaysundecided

Because if we didn't punish him he he wouldn't eat it. I don't want him going without important nutrients. We do get there in the end but it's the battles every night that I want to stop.

As for nutrients, look at what he's eating over a week or fortnight...not daily.

Of he doesn't eat all his fish on Saturday Dinner, doesn't matter, because on Monday he ate a tuna sandwich

Bitchinkitchen · 31/07/2020 19:18

OK so stop giving dessert! Let him mess about with his dinner, and then when it's time for bath or whatever say "OK, thanks for trying, good eating, it's bathtime now." When he asks for dessert tell him it's too late for dessert because now it's bathtime. After a week of that, start giving him a warning, IE "you need to finish your dinner in 5 minutes if you want to have time for dessert before bathtime."

ThickFast · 31/07/2020 19:19

It basically says no praise, no rewards, no punishment. Because all of that is just reinforcing the idea that some food is horrible.

Sayitaintsoiwillnotgo · 31/07/2020 19:19

Change it from punishment to a reward system. We had similar. If DS ate all his meal he got a star. 20 stars earnt him a treat be it a movie of his choice or a small toy (say about a fiver). Also used it to maintain bedtime without crying etc. Because he could see the positive rewards for doing things 8 out of 10 meals he ate and got a star. 2 out of 10 didn't and we ignored, didn't sanction but didn't reward or make a big deal of. Perhaps that could help and remove the stress for all of you?

Floralnomad · 31/07/2020 19:21

Put what you are having in serving dishes so he can help himself and if he only wants a tiny amount then that’s what he eats , if he finishes what’s on the plate , even if he’s only chosen a tiny portion , he gets dessert . Absolutely no snacking in between meals until he starts eating proper portions . At 4 he’s old enough to take that onboard .

00100001 · 31/07/2020 19:21

Have you heard of the "division of responsibilities" with kids and food?

The gist of it i you're responsible for providing good food and the kids are responsible for eating the food.

MikeUniformMike · 31/07/2020 19:21

now it's causing huge rows between him and DH and I want to change our approach. As soon as he is told it's dinner time the strop begins 'oh no I hate dinner' etc etc

I'd hate dinner at yours too.

Original poster

Alwaysundecided · 31/07/2020 19:22

I like the reward idea, thanks. I might try that.
I also agree with posters saying we have fallen into a trap with dessert as a 'reward'.
It was an easy solution at the time and now it's backfired

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