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Parenting

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Original poster

4 year old dinner time battles

89 replies

Alwaysundecided · 31/07/2020 19:01

Hi all,
We are at our wits end with our 4 year-old at dinner time. He has always been difficult at eating but now it's causing huge rows between him and DH and I want to change our approach. As soon as he is told it's dinner time the strop begins 'oh no I hate dinner' etc etc, along with moody teenager face and sigh.

We currently all eat together and he eats what we eat. We do make sure the food we are giving him is things he likes so he isn't being forced to eat things he hates.
He sometimes takes an hour and a half to eat his dinner. At the moment my DH uses the step so if he refuses to eat it he goes on the step repeatedly until he eats, but this can cause huge tantrums.
By the way we aren't cruel or unrealistic, if he doesn't finish his whole plate that's fine but we like him to at least eat most of his dinner, especially the healthiest parts like veggies etc to get a balanced diet.
When I look elsewhere on Mumsnet everyone says just serve dinner and if he doesn't eat it put it in the bin, but then he won't eat a healthy diet. I feel really strongly about the importance of a healthy diet as I refused a lot of food when young and I was really anaemic and skinny. My mum gave up with me in the end as the battles were too much but I happily didn't eat and it was a constant worry for her.
He does actually like vegetables too, as sometimes he happily gobbles them down so it's not a case of hating the food.

Also if he doesn't eat his dinner he doesn't get dessert so if we threw his dinner in the bin it would cause a huge tantrum anyway as he wouldn't get dessert.
What would you do!? We have a lovely relationship with DS and he is generally well behaved, but he has never cared about meals, and it's really putting a strain on DH who does most of the cooking and I hate watching the battles erupt. Help Mumsnet.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

00100001 · 31/07/2020 21:19

and with the timer, just remind him, he has 10 minutes left, so if he's finished with main, is he ready for desert, because thats fine, he can have desert without eating everything before hand.

As long as you don;t go back into old "if you just eat one more bite of potato, then you can have x"

00100001 · 31/07/2020 21:20

and you might be surprised, if he's left to his own devices mealtimes may not take 45 minutes anyway!

HeyMicky · 31/07/2020 21:31

No child needs 90 mins to eat dinner. He'll learn to eat faster. There may be some dramas but there may not once you decouple main from dessert.

But honestly, who has 90 mins to fart about with a 4 year olds dinner? He'll speed up after a few days and it's worth a couple of tantrums

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4 year olds Families General food General parenting

Mylittlepony374 · 31/07/2020 21:42

My 3 year old only eats dry beige food. Think dry cooked pasta, dry weetabix, dry cooked rice, dry brown bread.
I have had advice from a Dietitian because she only gets fruit and veg from smoothies. No other way will she eat them which was obviously a big concern for me.
The Dietitian advice was put a little fruit/veg/non beige food on every plate. Make absolutely no comment on what she does or doesn't eat- no praise, no reward, no punishment. Let her finish in her own time.
This seems to be working, she tried some pear from her plate the other day and ate a little ham with her pasta.
I think if I were you I'd stop all battles altogether. Take the Dietitian advice. He won't starve.

Original poster

Alwaysundecided · 31/07/2020 21:53

Ok I feel the need to point out that 90 minutes is probably an exaggeration. We don't sit at the table for 90 minutes. His dinner is ready around about 6 and it often takes him 10 minutes to come and sit down. Usually by 7 the whole escapade is over. There may have been the odd occasion where it has gone on longer but that's because he says he still wants it.
I could not be arsed to sit at a table arguing for 90 minutes although it feels like that long sometimes.

OP posts:

Skybooks · 31/07/2020 22:00

Do you ask him what he wants for dinner? I know MN love a we all eat the same thing at the same time bit that doesn't work for everyone. Sometimes myself and DH fancy different things.

Some days all 3 of us (me DH and DS4) wat the same dinner, sometime we all have different, sometimes I pit pit lots if options and we have picky tea.

Original poster

Alwaysundecided · 31/07/2020 22:07

@Skybooks yeah we often ask him and only give him food we know he likes. We sometimes have different meals as we all have various dietary requirements!

OP posts:

Lackadaisically · 31/07/2020 22:25

I have a fussy 3 1/2 year old. I refuse point blank to have food as a battleground.

Mine likes repetition so he always has very similar breakfasts (toast and a banana with a cup of milk) lunch is often quite samey (fruit, cheese, peanut butter sandwich and a few crisps would be standard cucumber and carrot sticks too but he mostly ignores them) for dinner I don't pressure him at all, he clears his plate lunch and breakfast and doesn't snack much, certainly not daily and we always make sure that he likes some if not all of dinner and often put foods he doesn't know well on his plate, normally he leaves them but sometimes he tries them. He gets praise for trying a new food but it's not commented on if he doesn't. If he doesn't like it then fine he gets praise for trying, if he does then yay we have a new food to add to the rotation. Pudding is almost always a yogurt and he gets that regardless as at least then I know he's had something if he didn't eat much of his main.

He hasn't always eaten as well as I'd like or as well as did before he turned 2 and stopped eating almost everything. BUT he likes sitting at the table, he sits nicely (mostly), he will try things as long as its on his terms, it's stress free for us, he will stay sat until everyone at the table is finished and is well behaved when we eat out. And his diet is slowly improving.

I'm happy with where we are.

Original poster

Alwaysundecided · 31/07/2020 23:10

@Lackadaisically that sounds ideal and where we would like to get to. Breakfast and lunch are usually fine actually and very similar to what you have. He has cereal/toast and fruit for breakfast. Usually a sandwich for lunch or peanut butter on toast. Sometimes waffles cheese and tomatoes.
Then dinner goes wrong. Thinking about it now the main difference is that 1) he is tired and 2) it's a bigger deal. He eats breakfast and lunch more casually often with the tele on in the background, whereas dinner feels like a chore where he has to stop doing what he's doing and come to the table etc

OP posts:

MikeUniformMike · 31/07/2020 23:17

I'd feed him earlier, and skip dinner for the time being.
Maybe he could just have his pudding at dinner time, or something small if he's hungry.

user1471549213 · 31/07/2020 23:17

I disagree that you can't roll back on giving dessert after every meal.

When lockdown started and my kids (3 & 5) were home 24/7 I got into a very bad habit of giving a treat every day....they got to a point that they were asking for it at 10am so I said no not til after lunch. Then they were asking for lunch at 12 and saying finished lunch mam, time for treat.

A few weeks ago I just explained it wasnt healthy to eat treats every day and we would only have them at weekends now. After a few days they just stopped asking. So I think you can stop the dessert, and really need to stop it being a reward for eating dinner.

Dinner times can be hard at this age, the thing they liked last week they dont like anymore this week....painful.

00100001 · 03/08/2020 09:00

How's it going OP?

Karwomannghia · 03/08/2020 09:16

The whole dinner time thing has become a bit of a pantomime, where you all play the same roles every day by the sounds of it. I think this set up needs to go completely for now and start again.
I would have a range of simple choices he can have for tea to show him earlier in the day - pictures of different meals you know he likes and he can choose what he has that day and when he has it. Just food you already have in. And make a small portion so he can deal with it. Let him eat it at his own pace. The whole sitting down together has become an unhappy time.

saywhatwhatnow · 03/08/2020 09:51

My two year old can be a bit like this at mealtimes. We tend to just give him a fairly small portion of whatever we're having, expect him to have a good go, encourage a few more mouthfuls at the end (a gentle 'nearly time for fruit and yoghurt, so eat up' kind of thing) and then that's it we take the plate away. In your situation I would probably start using a timer of 30mins or so.

If he really hasn't eaten anything, or has been mucking around, he doesn't get anything else as he's 'obviously not hungry'. This seems to have worked so far. We had a few screaming tantrums when we first did this but he gets the idea now, we're not messing around. Some days he eats loads, other days not a lot. He has some milk at bedtime.

I agree with others about taking the pressure off, for yourself as much as your son. Mealtimes should be a nice experience for everyone.

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