My wife hates my family!

[Dad13]

Hi
I have been married for 4 years (together for 9) and have a 13 month old daughter and I’m in need of some advice. My wife has never been keen on my family (specifically my mum) and since my daughter was born it’s gotten much worse. Now in my wife’s defence my mum has done and said things to really annoy her. Things like demanding my daughter goes round to her house and sleeps over or that she wants her for the days my wife works (two days a week) but my wife just doesn’t feel comfortable with this for other reasons. My mum has always irritated my wife and in the past I’ve failed in sticking up for her. I realise that. My dad had a big go at her saying he thought teachers were assholes (she’s a teacher) because they sent my nephew home from school at the start of lockdown and hasn’t really apologised. Or after my wife came home from a traumatising birth (another story) my mum didn’t ask how she was, just was only interested in my daughter. She has been wanting to come round multiple times per week when before my wife would see her maybe every couple of months, even then it might be in passing. My wife says she should of made effort before and not just now that we have a child. I feel that my wife may over exaggerate things and sometimes my mum can’t do right for doing wrong but then again maybe I should give my wife space? This came to a head last week when my sister had a go at my wife saying she was driving a wedge between my mum and dad and my wife and I, saying she doesn’t get why my wife is hard work and why can’t my daughter go round to be looked after by my parents. I feel she can be overprotective of my daughter, she only wants her mum to watch her if we go out. I should say I love my mother in law as she’s spot on. No complaints there. Lovely woman. But my wife just doesn’t want a relationship with my mum for, like I say, multiple reasons she’s stated to me. I will go into more detail of the reasons if anyone asks but I suppose my question is.. is it possible to keep my marriage going and happy but exclude my wife from my family? She’s happy for me to go round to there house with my daughter but doesn’t want any involvement ever going forward? Please other mums/wives/dads.. whoever help me with some advice. I don’t want to end up splitting up. Thank you.

I have a difficult relationship with my MIL. She's very controlling, but doesn't realise, and does/says things which are incredibly hurtful to me. I've mentioned this to DH and he used to just brush it off in a supportive way, saying oh it's just her, you know it's not true, you'll be fine etc but recently he's started standing up for her. He doesn't see what she does as rude and hurtful, so things I'm being unreasonable. I'm happy to go around and to family events etc but I would love for him to occasionally go without me and give me the space you're offering your wife!

I think giving her the option is a good call, not to exclude from everything but ask if she wishes to be involved or not. That way it's her decision and if she's unhappy with how MIL has been then she's no one to blame but herself for agreeing to see her.

I dont understand why you'd end up splitting up? Why cant you have a relationship with your wife and your family? Its a shame they dont get on, but not everyone you have a relationship need to get along.

Also, why cant your daughter go over to your mum to be looked after whilst your wife works? Has she done anything in the past which has called question on her ability to look after your daughter? Or is it that your wife just doesnt like your mum?

You need to stick up for your wife more. Maybe explain to do your mum/sister/dad why your wife feels like she does? Dont just let your sister have a go at your wife with no reprocussions from you. You also dont need to actively exclude her. She can do that by herself without you.

Tbh, your family sound difficult. Even as you describe them (so I can imagine your wife’s version is worse).

Your mum sounds overbearing and demanding, and actually doesn’t seem to be very nice to your wife. I can well imagine (just from the details here) that your mum would just do what she likes with your DD regardless of any instructions you and your wife have given her. That isn’t going to fill your wife with confidence.

Your dad also sounds rude. And your sister should keep her nose out of everyone else’s business. And you need to be the one to tell them this too.

It can be hard to move out if established family dynamics and see your parents as someone coming into a family does. Rather than dismissing your wife’s feelings, maybe it’s time that you stood up to your mum?

Also, why cant your daughter go over to your mum to be looked after whilst your wife works?

Because the wife isn’t happy with it, however much the MIL might demand it. There are several clues in the OP’s description about why she might feel this way.

There is no way in hell I’d let either my mum or MIL take over my childcare. I’d much rather pay people who I can rely upon (and whose help doesn’t come with all the baggage that would).

I don’t want to end up splitting up.

If you don't start standing up for your wife against your family's behaviour, you may not have any choice in the matter.

You need to start setting some ground rules for your family. The big one being that they stay away from your wife.

She has been wanting to come round multiple times per week when before my wife would see her maybe every couple of months, even then it might be in passing.

I love my MIL and much prefer her to my own mum, but I still wouldn't want her coming round multiple times a week.

Your family sound unreasonable and difficult and frankly you’re the problem. Just from your examples, it sounds like your wife has very justified reasons why she would like to keep a distance from your family. The fact you’re thinking about splitting up speaks volumes about how she will never come first to you, no matter how badly she is treated by your family (and by you).

Your Mother sounds rude and interfering. If you didn't support your wife in the face of such obvious unreasonableness there is no need for your wife to make nice now. She is sticking up for herself and her daughter, you decided to take the easy way out.

TBH your mother sounds awful. Sorry. And your dad sounds very rude.

Your wife has a baby, her baby, NOT your mother's. Your mum has no right to demand anything. She had her chance when you and your sister were small. This time round, your wife has seniority. .

It's really straightforward. You back your wife, she is your primary family now. She doesn't need to interact with your mum, she can go no-contact.

You stay in contact with your parents by taking your dc to see them for a few hours at the weekend. That way, your parents see their DGC, your wife gets a break, you see your parents and your dc sees their GPs. And hopefully your wife will be comfortable with that because you are there.

Your family do sound quite difficult. Many people prefer to avoid regular family childcare in any case as free childcare does usually have hidden strings and 13 months is very young for a sleepover without their primary caregiver.

From what you describe it doesn't sound like they treat your wife very well, like they just see her a vessel for producing the grandchild. I agree its a bit rich to suddenly want multiple visits a week when they weren't interested before. It's also an unfair demand on her time.

You need to focus on your relationship with your parents and not pass on the work of this to her because she is a woman. How much time do you spend with them? Seeing them with your child without her could be a good compromise.

If this isn’t a reverse, and I have my doubts, then you need to have a strong word with yourself about how you’ve contributed to this dynamic, remember you chose your wife as your life partner and mother of your child, your wife is married to you not your parents, and ask yourself how you’d feel if it was the other way around and your MIL was rude, accusatory, aggressive, possessive, demanding, uncaring, unreasonable and rude.

You’re right to question whether your marriage will survive this. If your wife was posting I’d tell her to make a run for it because her husband is spineless and doesn’t prioritise her and her in laws sound fucking atrocious so her best bet at keeping sane and being the best mum to her baby is to get out and away from the lot of you.

Your family has zero say in your daughters life or upbringing. They need to learn some boundaries fast. They can choose to listen to your wife, respect her and be nice or fuck off. You should have told them that eons ago. You need to have your wifes back if you want to keep your marriage. Your wife and daughter should be your priority, not what yoyr mum wants. She has no say at all.

Frankly I don't see why your wife has to see them at all. They don't like her and treat her like shit. It's not her job to facilitate a relationship between your daughter and your mum, that is your job.

You need to get on board fast, or you will lose your wife and most of your time with your daufhter. Stop p laying nice guy to your parents and sister and start prioritising your own family unit.

From the examples you've given I can completely see why your wife has problems with your mum. You must have your wife's back on this. If you can tackle it together you will come out of it still married.

Thank you for the comments so far. I needed this. @Letsallscreamatthesistene she doesn't want her being looked after by my mum because she doesnt trust her. My mum has looked after all 3 of my sisters kids for years but i guess she may be the type to ignore certain rules which my sisters overlooks but my wife will not. Things like staying up late, having bad food for dinner etc. The reason i mentioned splitting up even though that is a total last resort which i nor her want is that i find it really difficult to imagine scenarios where i cannot let them even be in the same room together, my wife said she never wants to see them again and we all live 5 mins from each other. Splitting up was a poor choice of words. Its just mega awkward when we all live so close, she said they are no longer allowed in our house, if i want to see them i have to go there. I was just wondering if anyone has a similar situation? Happy wife, happy marriage but no contact between wife and parents?

So your wife is happy for you to see your family whenever, is happy for your dd to see your family whenever with you but not sleepovers, and would prefer if your mum didn't drop in as and when she likes?

Sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

You need to tell your sister to back off - how dare she stick her nose in.

You need to have a conversation and come to an agreement with your wife about how much family time the extended family can have with your dd. Then YOU communicate that to your family. You need to show an united front to your family because it seems like your wife is being thrown under the bus so that you can stay the golden son. Grow up and support your wife.

Your wife doesn't want a relationship with either of your parents and I can see why. I also would not let my child be alone with people who had been nasty to me. In fact I didn't leave my dcs with my own mother for that very reason.

Unfortunately they have caused this.

she said they are no longer allowed in our house, if i want to see them i have to go there.

See that's the only bit where I part company with the majority here. It's as much your house as hers, and this is your family. They should be able to visit your home if you want them to. If your wife chooses not to be there when they do, that's down to her.
But any MAN telling his wife that her parents weren't allowed to visit their house would be shot down in flames. And your wife doesn't get a pass on that because she'd female.

Agree. You need to support your wife 100% in this. Tell your sister to mind her own business as well.

Nobody would be telling me what to do with my child.

They should have made an effort years ago, she's right. They didn't care about her then and they don't now so what incentive has she got to spend time with them? I wouldn't want my children spending time alone with someone who made their dislike of me obvious.

The reason i mentioned splitting up even though that is a total last resort which i nor her want is that i find it really difficult to imagine scenarios where i cannot let them even be in the same room together, my wife said she never wants to see them again and we all live 5 mins from each other.

Those are the natural consequences of being repeatedly unpleasant to someone. There comes a point where that person will say "Enough is enough" and refuse to have anything more to do with them.

Unfortunately, your reluctance to step in early on will have contributed to this. Your refusal to step up and defend your wife in those early days meant that your family have carried on with this behaviour. Now that your sister has also waded in, your wife has had enough.

My MIL is a piece of work. She can hold it in just long enough that people get fooled by her if they don't have much exposure, but longer term the facade slips.

She was rude and condescending to me right up until I gave birth. Not interested in the pregnancy at all, but as soon as she had a grandchild she was all over DGC. I got a 'welcome to the family' remark from her when we'd already been married for years at that point.

Anyway, DH was totally spineless at that point and although he knew what a cow his mother was, he wouldn't pull her up on it. I lost a lot of respect for him.

I have every sympathy for your wife, your family and mother in particular sound terrible. Just because they are your family doesn't mean that they can't be toxic and not deserving of a place in your life. My Dh finally wised up and went extremely low contact, our D.C. chose not to see her alone and I haven't had anything to do with her for years, which has been blissful. And she is not invited to our house, ever.

If you don't support your wife, you may find that it's she who makes the choice to split the family, not you, for not having her back and favouring your mother over her.

'But any MAN telling his wife that her parents weren't allowed to visit their house would be shot down in flames.'

Not if the parents were the problem, as in this case.

I agree with @saraclara

She doesn't have the right to ban your family from your family home.
Up until then, I was with your wife though, tbh. Even just going on the things you said in your OP (and you said there was more).

Your sister definitely needs to butt out.

Because you've not backed your wife historically on the things that were important, it has become a much bigger rift than it sounds like it needed to be. I would say you need to listen to what she is saying and what she is feeling, and acknowledge some of the wrongs that have happened. From there you might be able to build bridges (although I suspect your parents would need to acknowledge it to, which might be a different matter).
I'm pretty relaxed as a parent, but wouldn't be sending any of my dc to spend regular days and nights with people who have such completely different ways of thinking than I do either.

I read the exact same story on another thread only written by the wife. It really was exactly the same.

Staying up late and eating 'bad' food (by which I suppose you mean not particularly healthy, not food that has gone off), once in a while won't hurt any child. It would be fun for them and a change.

However if your mother is horrible to your wife she needs to be told to stop it. You can see her on your own with your daughter. It has to be said your mum might think your wife is horrible to her.

The title of this thread shouldn't be "my wife hates my family." It should be "I let my family treat my wife like shit, and now she has had enough and gone NC with them." The poor woman has had enough, and you need to take some responsibility for letting this happen.

Your sister needs to butt out, her getting involved will only make the bad situation even worse.
Your parents dont sound very nice, my dhs parents were awful to me and he stopped speaking to them. (they didn't care anyway they never messaged again and years down the line I am so glad we did it no more drama for people who clearly dont care anyway)
I think with alot of mil problems alot of it could have been fixed if the partners actually put their foot down early on. Letting parents get away with shitty behaviour over and over again just because they are your parent is bound to make someone think they simply dont want anything to do with them anymore.
Support your wife and back her up.
Look after your family if your parents actually really cared for you they wouldnt start drama all the time in your life.