My wife hates my family!

[Dad13]

Hi
I have been married for 4 years (together for 9) and have a 13 month old daughter and I’m in need of some advice. My wife has never been keen on my family (specifically my mum) and since my daughter was born it’s gotten much worse. Now in my wife’s defence my mum has done and said things to really annoy her. Things like demanding my daughter goes round to her house and sleeps over or that she wants her for the days my wife works (two days a week) but my wife just doesn’t feel comfortable with this for other reasons. My mum has always irritated my wife and in the past I’ve failed in sticking up for her. I realise that. My dad had a big go at her saying he thought teachers were assholes (she’s a teacher) because they sent my nephew home from school at the start of lockdown and hasn’t really apologised. Or after my wife came home from a traumatising birth (another story) my mum didn’t ask how she was, just was only interested in my daughter. She has been wanting to come round multiple times per week when before my wife would see her maybe every couple of months, even then it might be in passing. My wife says she should of made effort before and not just now that we have a child. I feel that my wife may over exaggerate things and sometimes my mum can’t do right for doing wrong but then again maybe I should give my wife space? This came to a head last week when my sister had a go at my wife saying she was driving a wedge between my mum and dad and my wife and I, saying she doesn’t get why my wife is hard work and why can’t my daughter go round to be looked after by my parents. I feel she can be overprotective of my daughter, she only wants her mum to watch her if we go out. I should say I love my mother in law as she’s spot on. No complaints there. Lovely woman. But my wife just doesn’t want a relationship with my mum for, like I say, multiple reasons she’s stated to me. I will go into more detail of the reasons if anyone asks but I suppose my question is.. is it possible to keep my marriage going and happy but exclude my wife from my family? She’s happy for me to go round to there house with my daughter but doesn’t want any involvement ever going forward? Please other mums/wives/dads.. whoever help me with some advice. I don’t want to end up splitting up. Thank you.

Your family sound like absolute arseholes. No wonder your wife’s had enough. It’s on you why it’s got this far imo. You should have stood up for your wife and put your foot down as soon as the unreasonable behaviour started from your family. Instead they’ve been given free rein to treat your wife like shit so that’s what they’ve done, now your wife’s had enough and rightly stood up for herself because you wouldn’t. Her relationship with them is irreparable imo. Your relationship with your family will have to be separate from your wife. Next time your wife gets aggro from any of them actually act like a man and defend her

We see my in-laws every 2-3 months. I see my parents more often as they live locally, but it's rare for us to see them as a family at the weekends more than once a month, if that. I pop round for a coffee when the kids are at school once a fortnight or so.

@FizzingWhizzbee123 are you serious? Like fuck would ANYONE be welcomed into my home if they’d treated me the way the ops family treat his wife. Being related doesn’t give you a free pass to insult, belittle and completely disrespect someone

@Fedup21 my nephew is 14 so attends high school and when he went in during the first week of schools being shut (he had to go because my sister is a key worker) the staff said we can't have you here, you need to go to the primary school over the road. Being 14 he didn't want to go and decided to go home. My sister didn't get a call about any of this so she went mad with the school and did my dad. My dad thought they had just sent him home as my nephew didn't say anything about the primary. So you could say my dad was correct to be angry but he didn't know all the facts. He just started slating the teaching profession saying they should be sacked and they were all arseholes. Because my wife is a teacher she said this doesn't sound correct and began to question the real story. Because of this my dad thought she's just sticking up for them and its a load of shit. I didn't say much because i also felt i didn't know the true story. The school should of called my sister but at the same time my dad chose to believe a 14 yr old and went on a rampage of slagging people off.

Both sets of parents live within 20 mins or so of us. We don't see either of them more than once every one or two weeks. We feel no need to increase that. DH will go on his own as I sometimes go on my own to my parents.
This suits me as my MIL is a cow too.

Did the visits reduce during lockdown?

At 14 he didn't need to go into school ffs! He is old enough to look after himself. You and your family seem actually awful. Maybe your wife will see sense and walk away from all of you.

So you could say my dad was correct to be angry but he didn't know all the facts. He just started slating the teaching profession saying they should be sacked and they were all arseholes. Because my wife is a teacher she said this doesn't sound correct and began to question the real story. Because of this my dad thought she's just sticking up for them and its a load of shit. I didn't say much because i also felt i didn't know the true story

Your dad sounds like a piece of work.

He had a problem with one particular school (because your nephew lied about what happened) so he told your wife that her entire profession were arseholes and should be sacked.

You didn’t defend her in this because you ‘didn’t know enough about the situation‘? Really? You didn’t know enough about it to think that your dad was having a go at your wife for something she didn’t do?

You sound spineless.

I think OP you really do need to look at the dynamic of your family - with the school situation they seemingly just sent him in as she was a key worker without probably looking into how it would actually work and then he just decided to leave.

I think you have been brow beaten into accepting that your family is everything and they should be the centre of your world (once a week is quite a lot of time).

But now you have a daughter your wife rightly doesnt want to be part of this environment and have your daughter looked after by these people

*You didn’t defend her in this because you ‘didn’t know enough about the situation‘? Really? You didn’t know enough about it to think that your dad was having a go at your wife for something she didn’t do?

You sound spineless.*

This has got to be a reverse

If this thread is for real then the OP is a spineless husband who needs to rethink his whole outlook on family and integrity

@jessstan2

I read the exact same story on another thread only written by the wife. It really was exactly the same.

Staying up late and eating 'bad' food (by which I suppose you mean not particularly healthy, not food that has gone off), once in a while won't hurt any child. It would be fun for them and a change.

However if your mother is horrible to your wife she needs to be told to stop it. You can see her on your own with your daughter. It has to be said your mum might think your wife is horrible to her.

Can you link to the thread, @jessstan2? I thought it sounded familiar.

My dad had a big go at her saying he thought teachers were assholes (she’s a teacher) because they sent my nephew home from school at the start of lockdown and hasn’t really apologised
He just started slating the teaching profession saying they should be sacked and they were all arseholes
Appalling. Your dad sounds like a dick and I'm not surprised your wife doesn't want to be around people like that. Did you stick up for your wife? Surely you must have?
Why did your 14 year old nephew need to be in school and why did he lie about the primary school offer? Your poor wife

Your family sounds awful, your poor wife! If you really want things to improve, you need to start standing up for your wife and setting boundaries with your family. The fact that they’ve treated her poorly so many times and you’ve not put a stop to it is appalling. She and your child have to be your priority.

Dad I went NC with my husbands side and he just used to take the kids to visit them. It’s perfectly manageable.

The damage has already been done to your wife. There will be no coming back for her. My mil and fil have been incredibly hurtful and rude to me in the past and the cause of many arguments.

Husband and I are separated now and I live the fact I never have to see his family again.

Just because she is your wife doesn’t mean she has to take shit of your family.

Sorry seen you didn't stick up for your wife during your dad's aggressive rant. Ok then you only have yourself to blame that she doesn't want to be around them.

Because you struck gold with your MIL it must be quite hard to grasp how difficult an awkward MIL can be to her son's wife. But trust me, your mother is a difficult MIL.

We were in the same situation; my mother was great and his was a PITA. (His father was great and my stepfather was a PITA; but generally FILS don't have the same impact MILS do). I endured my MIL for years until we had kids . She realised that she could get to me through them, very stupidly was horrible to and about them in front of him. That's when he saw red and told her to get her act together or leave. Despite two warnings she very foolishly called his bluff and found that when she forced him to take sides, of course she lost. He chose wife and children and she never saw us again.

  That's what may happen to you and your parents  if you let the situation continue as it is.

This has got to be a reverse, surely. I can’t believe anyone would let their dad rip into their wife like this and not say a word just because they ‘felt they didn’t know the true story’. Even if you knew nothing of the story, you’d say, ‘erm, dad-don’t speak to my wife like that.’

The dad-your dad, your FIL, whoever it is and if it’s a reverse post or not, is behaving like a bully and wouldn’t be welcome in my home or life until he apologised and meant it.

Your family sound a nightmare.
You need to start supporting your wife.

Or yes, you will split up, because she will realise you don’t prioritise her and your child.

Honestly, reading all your updates I get the feeling your family is incredibly difficult to manage, and you should have done/should do more to stick up for your wife. I also get the impression your family stick together and have a bit of a mob mentality. No wonder your wife doesnt want anything to do with them.

OP, have you had stern words with your Mum, Dad and sister?
Tell them that by criticising your wife, being rude to her, "having a go", they are hurting you and denigrating your life choices. What makes them think that they can speak to her like this?
It sounds like, if you want to go forward, you read your parents and sister the riot act. They don't have to be full on, they just need to be pleasant, polite and respectful to you and your wife as equal adults. You and your wife, being different people, will bring up your child differently to anyone else including your sister. There's nothing wrong with that. Your sister's childcare arrangements didn't set a precedent in stone to be adhered to down the generations.
I wouldn't even engage your wife in this one. Be firm with your parents, tell them if they want to see your daughter, your little family unit comes as a package and that your wife's way of parenting her daughter is not up for critique or debate.
Parenting is the one thing you and your wife should be able to do in your own way, with no interference from anyone else. It's so personal and they must respect that.
Then you can tell your wife you've had the conversation with your parents and it's up to them.

I think because you’ve grown up with your family you see this as normal behaviour and it’s tricky when someone else comes along and calls it out for what it is.

Your family sound very over bearing, I would not want my mum or mil visiting multiple times a week, especially when they showed no interest before.

Your sister needs to butt out, nothing to do with her.

Just because your mum wants to look after her grandchild doesn’t mean she gets to.

You need to sit down with your dw and actually listen to her, she may well have built things up over time to being bigger than they are but you can’t blame her if she feels that she hasn’t been listened to or her feelings have been minimised.

I absolutely hate my Mil.
She has called me a gold digger, has no respect for me as dcs mother. She threw strop after strop because she wanted to dictate every aspect of dcs life and i had the cheek to say said no thats up to dh and i.
I was always told that just her way. She means well.
Dh didnt support me so we split.
While living with her his eyes finally opened to how disrespectful and cruel she could be about me and towards me.
We are reconciled, we now have 3 dc. I have zero contact with any of his fanily and they see the children 5 times a year.
Anyone who cant respcet and treat me in a civilised way, will not be prominant people in my dcs lives.
And it works both ways, anyone who disrespects my dh from my family/friends will not be a close person in our lives either.

It sounds as if your family really haven't made it easy for your wife at all. Virtually ignoring her before the grandchild came along, not asking her how she was after the birth and now wanting to be round all the time.
I'd be pretty annoyed too if that was me and I'd feel I was a brood mare.
You will have to come to some kind of compromise to keep the peace both inlaws and wife or there will be open warfare.
I loathed my ex mother in law for so many reasons and luckily only had to see her twice a year as she lived hundreds of miles away but used to grin and bear it and not get involved in any rows because it was my husbands mother but had she been coming round multiple times a week I'd have got divorced.
You need boundaries and a happy medium and your mother doesn't really get to dictate what your family is going to do/

I think you sound like you have been beaten down by your family. You visit when you want to why would they chose when you visit? Why would it possibly be ok for your dad to rant and rave about teachers in general when if he had an issue with your nephew’s teachers he could have sorted it directly. Why would you feel so timid that you needed to know the truth to stand up for your wife in the smallest way. Your family sound emotionally abusive and very very difficult.
Your wife’s boundaries are keeping her safe. Why would you want to hang out with people who are so rude to you?
I would move, really break those apron strings and become the man and family you want to be.

Sorry just to add is also unresonable if you are working 6 days a week, to expect your only day off to be spent wih your mum.
Does your wife and dc not deserve some quality time with you. Or is it only your mother that should be allowed the quality time.