My wife hates my family!

[Dad13]

Hi
I have been married for 4 years (together for 9) and have a 13 month old daughter and I’m in need of some advice. My wife has never been keen on my family (specifically my mum) and since my daughter was born it’s gotten much worse. Now in my wife’s defence my mum has done and said things to really annoy her. Things like demanding my daughter goes round to her house and sleeps over or that she wants her for the days my wife works (two days a week) but my wife just doesn’t feel comfortable with this for other reasons. My mum has always irritated my wife and in the past I’ve failed in sticking up for her. I realise that. My dad had a big go at her saying he thought teachers were assholes (she’s a teacher) because they sent my nephew home from school at the start of lockdown and hasn’t really apologised. Or after my wife came home from a traumatising birth (another story) my mum didn’t ask how she was, just was only interested in my daughter. She has been wanting to come round multiple times per week when before my wife would see her maybe every couple of months, even then it might be in passing. My wife says she should of made effort before and not just now that we have a child. I feel that my wife may over exaggerate things and sometimes my mum can’t do right for doing wrong but then again maybe I should give my wife space? This came to a head last week when my sister had a go at my wife saying she was driving a wedge between my mum and dad and my wife and I, saying she doesn’t get why my wife is hard work and why can’t my daughter go round to be looked after by my parents. I feel she can be overprotective of my daughter, she only wants her mum to watch her if we go out. I should say I love my mother in law as she’s spot on. No complaints there. Lovely woman. But my wife just doesn’t want a relationship with my mum for, like I say, multiple reasons she’s stated to me. I will go into more detail of the reasons if anyone asks but I suppose my question is.. is it possible to keep my marriage going and happy but exclude my wife from my family? She’s happy for me to go round to there house with my daughter but doesn’t want any involvement ever going forward? Please other mums/wives/dads.. whoever help me with some advice. I don’t want to end up splitting up. Thank you.

Agree with those who say you need to step up. It's highly likely that your wife has drawn such strong boundaries with your family simply because you haven't/won't. If she felt like you had her back and would actually protect her from the pressure/nastiness that your family are heaping on her, you might find she doesn't necessarily feel the need to go no contact. You need to support your wife, no question.

After reading your updates, if I were your wife I would be thinking about moving far away from your family. Whether or not you came too would be your choice, but only if you agreed to start putting up some boundaries. Being spineless is rarely an attractive trait.

My DH works 5 days a week. MIL is great and lives about 15 minutes away from us. We visit her every 4 -6 weeks.

If your grand plan is to work 5 or 6 days a week and then spend another of those days with your parents, when exactly do you think you'll be spending time with your own family unit? And what about when your daughter gets older and wants to do weekend activities (swimming lessons, birthday parties and any other hobbies)? Will she also be expected to fit in around what your parents want?

Exactly how many people's lives have to be arranged around the wants and temper tantrums of your parents and sisters?

To answer your later question OP we try and make equal time for my parents and my partners parents. We live closer to mine but our families are important to us both.

Being on the other side of this, I can see how incredibly hurtful being treat differently is, just because you are the paternal grandparents/in-laws. Why is it the maternal side of the family nearly always take priority?

I also don't understand, even on here, why as adults when relationships are tricky, it is fine to 'take your ball home' and not try and work through the relationships to build something that works for everyone. Communication is needed, not 'banning' people.

Time to be an adult and work this out with your wife and with your family.

After reading your update I feel really sorry for your wife, you did nothing to support her when your Dad was being an arsehole.
Your excuse sounds pathetic.
I think you are lucky she is still with you to be honest.

I would say to your wife that you're sorry things have got where they are, you can see where you could have done more to support her in the past but from now on you will respect whatever boundary she needs to draw between herself and your family and you as her partner and their son will deal with the consequences.
It's perfectly reasonable for her to say she doesn't want them in the house. Your home is a safe place.
Especially as they live so close and you are able to take your daughter to see them at theirs there is no need for your wife to be forced to tolerate them in her own home.
This set up may not be a forever thing, if everyone is respectful then these boundaries may ease in the future and your wife may be able to grit her teeth through a visit but for now it seems like what needs to happen.

As for how often to see them, if you work 5-6 days a week and they are demanding/expecting your time on your (sometimes one) day off I think that's also completely disrespectful to you and your wife as parents of a young child and a family unit in your own right.

Support your wife.
Take your DD to see your parents every other week or so.
Make it clear that this is a consequence of their behaviour towards your family, not the fault of your wife and contact will likely be reduced even more if they continue to treat your wife and you the way they have been, then back that up if needs be.

They are not being treated differently because they are 'paternal grandparents'. They are being treated differently as a consequence of their own actions.

No one can dictate childcare arrangements for anyone else's child and they have no right to be offended by you and your wife's choices regarding this.

As for the PP who said a man would never be able to set that boundary, if my parents were ever rude to my DH I would absolutely pull them up on it and things would not be continuing until they apologised. If it was so bad he asked them not to come to the house I would absolutely respect that and take our DC to see them on my own. I don't understand how anyone can think that is not reasonable.

My PIL have been awful to me and my DH has not been the best at managing it. I would dearly love to withdraw myself from the situation and allow them to continue a relationship with their son and grandkids that doesn't involve me as much, but they live so far away they 'have' to stay with us for days on end to be able to see our DC.
I get trapped being treated appallingly in my own home. I have to be polite and host people that humiliate me.
I do it as I feel otherwise I'm obstructing their relationship with their DGC.
It does not do our marriage or my sense of well-being any good. It causes a huge amount of unhappiness every time. It's a shit situation.

Let your wife step back. Let her have a boundary. Facilitate a relationship between your DD and your parents that is sustainable and fair.
Take a hard line and pull your parents up on bad behaviour every single time or this will only get worse and will become a never ending source of strain in your marriage.
Good luck.

I told dh I was NEVER going to SILs house again for less than that. The first time I met her family they bitched about foreigners. I am one. The last time they slagged off my profession with me in the room, ignored every explanation (yes we have to ask that question because thats the law). So when we got into the car I told dh I was never going there again. Which is a shame because I really like SIL but her dhs family are awful. Dh sometimes acts as if Im embarrassing him but I think theyre the embarrassment.

I dont think you realise how fucking insulting it is to be talked about like that.

@Broomfondle can't they stay at a hotel or air b&b? You shouldn't have to put up with that in your home.

OP your wife sounds like she has been pretty tolerant but is done. Stand up for her or lose your marriage, either in law or in fact. Even if she doesn't leave you it will be miserable. Are your parents worth it to you?

How much do your husbands (if your situation is the same as mine where he works full time like me and there is no need for childcare so its purely social visits) see his parents on weekly basis?

Now? He sees them about 3 or 4 times a year.
When our dc were smaller we used to go over about one every 3 weeks or so.

I have to say, the more information you have given about your DF's ill -informed rant really shows him up as worse, and your wife as being more reasonable. You acknowledged that you didn't know the ins and outs of the situation, just like your father didn't , but he couldn't, even though it was pointed out to him it sounded like there had been some misunderstanding and he might want to find out the facts before going off on one.

Is your mil really a saint or do you just don’t care or have lower standards? If I were you I would be noting everything she does wrong and making a big deal about it.

I think the title of the thread sums it up for me, you are framing this as an issue with your wife, it's not, it's an issue with you.
The issue is you need to be totally on your wife's side. Yes, you need to manage your parents etc tactfully, but you need to make sure your wife trusts that she comes first in the end.
If that is not possible due to cultural expectation etc then i am sorry, but either way you need to take ownership of the relationship between your wife and parents and solve it one way or another without making it sound like your wife comes second (or third, or end of the queue)

Google FOG, Op, I think that you are bang in the middle of it with your biological family. If you are not careful you will lose your wife and child.