My wife hates my family!

[Dad13]

Hi
I have been married for 4 years (together for 9) and have a 13 month old daughter and I’m in need of some advice. My wife has never been keen on my family (specifically my mum) and since my daughter was born it’s gotten much worse. Now in my wife’s defence my mum has done and said things to really annoy her. Things like demanding my daughter goes round to her house and sleeps over or that she wants her for the days my wife works (two days a week) but my wife just doesn’t feel comfortable with this for other reasons. My mum has always irritated my wife and in the past I’ve failed in sticking up for her. I realise that. My dad had a big go at her saying he thought teachers were assholes (she’s a teacher) because they sent my nephew home from school at the start of lockdown and hasn’t really apologised. Or after my wife came home from a traumatising birth (another story) my mum didn’t ask how she was, just was only interested in my daughter. She has been wanting to come round multiple times per week when before my wife would see her maybe every couple of months, even then it might be in passing. My wife says she should of made effort before and not just now that we have a child. I feel that my wife may over exaggerate things and sometimes my mum can’t do right for doing wrong but then again maybe I should give my wife space? This came to a head last week when my sister had a go at my wife saying she was driving a wedge between my mum and dad and my wife and I, saying she doesn’t get why my wife is hard work and why can’t my daughter go round to be looked after by my parents. I feel she can be overprotective of my daughter, she only wants her mum to watch her if we go out. I should say I love my mother in law as she’s spot on. No complaints there. Lovely woman. But my wife just doesn’t want a relationship with my mum for, like I say, multiple reasons she’s stated to me. I will go into more detail of the reasons if anyone asks but I suppose my question is.. is it possible to keep my marriage going and happy but exclude my wife from my family? She’s happy for me to go round to there house with my daughter but doesn’t want any involvement ever going forward? Please other mums/wives/dads.. whoever help me with some advice. I don’t want to end up splitting up. Thank you.

She doesn't have the right to ban your family from your family home.

I suspect that this has come about because the MIL does not respect any boundaries and the OP lacks the will to enforce them. So it’s have her round any time she likes (several times a week) or say no more visiting at all.

The MIL lives 5 minutes away. It’s easy enough for the OP to visit his parents.

Staying up late and eating 'bad' food (by which I suppose you mean not particularly healthy, not food that has gone off), once in a while won't hurt any child. It would be fun for them and a change.

Twice a week isn’t just ‘fun’ though. You’d want to be sure you can rely on someone looking after your child regularly to feed them properly and more or less follow your rules.

I’d also hazard a guess that it’s the tip of the iceberg in relation to the MIL’s attitude towards ‘her GC’.

I think the OP is in a tricky situation and I agree with the previous posters that banning MIL entirely from the house is perhaps a step too far. I can’t understand why she wants to limit her personal contact and why she doesn’t want MIL to look after her child alone. I can also understand not wanting MIL popping in too frequently and unannounced.

But surely if OP is doing his best to keep MIL at arms length, sticking to his wife’s wishes and making sure the child’s main contact with her grandmother is at the grandmothers house.... surely the wife can tolerate a number of planned visits to their home, for the sake of maintaining some level of family harmony for the OP’s sake? Even if it was once or twice a month, for an hour? Most people could grit their teeth and be polite for that long?

I can see with the MIL is upsetting, but I’m not sure she’s done anything so utterly horrific to involve completely cutting her out?

My MIL is hard work, but I suck it up and play nice for my husband and child’s sake to avoid making things too awkward.

Perhaps OP could talk to wife and MIL and set some ground rules for occasional agreed visits? It’s all well and good for wife to put her foot down but I don’t think it’s unreasonable for her to also make a small amount of compromise too.

*I CAN understand why she wants to limit personal contact. Typo.

@ FizzingWhizzbee123
Whether it’s reasonable or not to veto visits entirely presumably would depend on the extent to which the OP’s wife trusts him to actually enforce boundaries and pull his mother up as necessary.

From what he’s written here, it sounds very much like he won’t be able to stand up to his mum to limit visits to an hour a couple of times a month nor would he step in if she’s rude or inappropriate. She knows her husband (who let her mother treat her like total shit in her own house when she came home from the hospital with a newborn) and that generally factors into decisions like this. She’s probably completely had enough.

And the OP can probably walk to his parents. So it’s not like she’d be preventing him from seeing them at all.

I’m sure she has had enough, and with some good reasons. But there’s no denying that OP is in a very awkward position now. Maybe he deserves a chance to step up and enforce some boundaries and find a small compromise? He appears to appreciate that it’s reached breaking point.

Op, try to imagine living in a house where a man who is openly unpleasant to you, is allowed to walk in whenever he feels like it, over rule how you care for your daughter, sneer at your values, undermine your marriage and insult your profession.
And you, as a man, are expected to smile sweetly, suck it up and welcome this man in, whenever he feels like ruining your day. How would you like it?

That is what you are asking your wife to tolerate. I can think of only two ways this can be resolved without you splitting up.

Either you explain firmly and clearly to your family that your wife and child are the centre of your world and you will not accept their interfering and nastiness, or you move your family away, putting some distance between you and your parents so they can’t behave as they do now.

It sounds like it's your family who need to build bridges.

The MIL lives 5 minutes away. It’s easy enough for the OP to visit his parents.

Again, if a woman posted that her DH refused to let her mother visit the house, would you be as quick to say 'well you can go and see her easily enough'?

It would very much depend on both the MIL’s behaviour and the man’s attitude towards it, @saraclara.

No one should have to put up with being treated badly in their own house, regardless who the arsehole visitor is.

Maybe he deserves a chance to step up and enforce some boundaries and find a small compromise?

He’s had years to do this though. And just hasn’t.

The baby is 13 months and he’s done nothing to support his wife during this time.

I’d say he’s had a chance. Lots of them.

I wouldn't be happy that your wife's mum can see and look after your child, yet your mum has been stopped. You are a couple, the child and the house is yours too.

The DiL, MiL relationship can be difficult, often not because anyone has done anything wrong just because it is different. Families behave differently, what is acceptable and normal in one may not be the same for another. Some compromise needed.

Your family is wrong and you wife is in the right. Sorry but your family sounds like assholes and if I was your wife I would have divorced you a long time ago. Overbearing in laws are a drain.

You need to back your wife. Your family sound horrible and you're refusing to pull them up on their shitty behaviour. In fact I imagine if you had stood up for your poor wife earlier the situation wouldn't have developed to where it is now. Would you let a stranger on the street or even anyone who wasn't related to you to treat your wife so poorly? I suspect not.
I think you need to speak to your family honestly and address these comments that have been made toward your wife (no matter how long ago) and explain that you will not tolerate it and lay down some ground rules. That being said even once you have done that I would not expect your wife to have any contact with them if she doesn't wish.

We’ve had a similar issue with my MIL. She’s as nice as pie but very passive aggressive. Ignoring me and only talking to my dh. Offering him refreshments but me nothing. When our baby was born she turned up with nothing for me or the baby but a box of dh’s favourite chocolates. My dh’s dad was sick from when he was about 11 so his mum did a lot of the child raising alone and is very much a man’s woman. Dh has never stood up for me or said anything and it has caused massive issues so we rarely see her now. You need to put your mum back in her box and have words with her about what she says and stick up for your wife. This will ruin your marriage because you’re being ineffective and doing nothing and your mother and father are getting away with being rude.

Please start standing up for your wife before it’s too late. Your family sound awful. Your mum maybe well intentioned but is overbearing, your dad’s comment about teachers was deliberately hurtful and goady. As for your sister... she needs to back right off and mind her own business.

I have had a strained relationship with my in-laws but it has got easier as the children have got older. The one thing that made it bearable was that DH listened to me and set boundaries with them.

I thank everyone for their replies and take everything on board. Sorry if i missed replying to some specific questions, just a lot to read and take in. I do have another thing that I'd like a bit of input on. If this situation wasn't like it is and there wasn't the tension. How much do your husbands (if your situation is the same as mine where he works full time like me and there is no need for childcare so its purely social visits) see his parents on weekly basis? I work 5 to 6 days a week so don't always have time to squeeze in visits but from my point of view once a week is surely adequate? I have felt pressure from my family to make it more than that, which has added to this horrible situation.

We live an hour from my in laws thank god. But we see my parents who live 10 minutes away once maybe twice a week but we all get on well.

Once a week can be a lot when you only have 2 days off work in terms of how much of your time it takes up.

We see all parents a similar amount. About once a months but sometimes a little more. I think my husband talks to his parents once a week or so.

Exactly what @Gurtcha says .
OP you admit you haven’t supported your wife in the past .
Make it a priority to do so now .
Stop trying to pressure your wife into having contact/ relationships with people that are not a pleasant addition to her life .
That’s to give you an easier life .. it’s not fair and that is what may ultimately end your marriage.
It’s up to you to deal with this

My dad had a big go at her saying he thought teachers were assholes (she’s a teacher) because they sent my nephew home from school at the start of lockdown and hasn’t really apologised.

Can you expand on this-it’s unbelievably rude. He had a go at your wife because your nephew’s school sent him home? Do you mean when Boris closed the schools? Did he think that your wife/teachers had anything to do with that decision?

DH and I see our parents every few months. We have WhatsApp groups and FaceTime calls regularly but both of us are 5+ hours away from our parents which is great. We are just too busy to see them more - we have lives, jobs, hobbies and friends of our own to balance as well. Luckily they have the same and keep busy as well.

I was your wife in this - FIL turned into a completely nasty piece of work after DS1 was born and said some awful things about me but luckily my husband stood up for me and for our family. After a couple of years of low contact, DH said he wanted to see his dad again to build bridges - no problem I said, you can go up there and see him but the moment he says a bad word about me and my family I hope you'll stand up and walk out. Which he did! He only had to do it once and FIL got the message. If he wants to see his grandkids he has to behave himself. We have slowly increased contact, I now see him once or twice a year in person on neutral ground - at a restaurant or family event or something - and keep any discussions to the weather or books we've read recently.

I know DH has my back, 100%. So I don't mind when he takes the kids to see his dad without me - I know he'll shut down any attempt by FIL to bitch about me, so I don't even worry about it.

What did you say to your sister when she stuck her oar in? Did you stick up for your wife and explain that it was your mum's behaviour that has driven a wedge?

If my sister, mother and father had spoken to my husband they way yours have spoken to your wife I would have given them a fierce bollocking and immediately left/ asked them to leave and not made contact again until an apology had been given.

My family wouldn’t though because they nice people.

Did you react at all? Have your wife’s back? Or did you just allow it all, allow the woman you married to be insulted and humiliated? Because that’s unforgivable in my book. Would you be fine with a stranger insulting her on the street or is it just family who are allowed to? Why is your reaction different? Doesn’t she deserve your support and loyalty?

Stop putting pressure on her to see your family. Take your daughter to see them once a week on your own and ask your mother to leave your wife alone unless she can be civil to her. Your wife should not be expected to be treated badly and insulted in her own home.

Tbh I can’t see the issue with not wanting your parents to come to your home. Why should she allow people who have been rude and disrespectful into her home? I’d say the same if it were her parents and you not wanting them to come into your home too. Why should she have to absent herself from her home so they can visit? There wouldn’t be this issue if their behaviour were different. Based on what you’ve told us, I’m with your wife 100% on this.

Dear lord. How old are you, OP? Your posts indicate to me that you are late teens early twenties but I'm thinking that cant be so from your timeline

Ok here's the deal

You are an adult

You have a wife and a child

THEY are your priority

Your parents and siblings are people whom you love but you do NOT live to dance to their tune

So you tell them how it is and they accept it or not - you see them once a fortnight with baby and no sleepovers and no 'bad' food etc etc

If they don't accept this then you tell them that you love them, that your priority is your wife and your child and they can live by your rules or not

Then you leave them to it

End of story