Baby hates the carseat - argument with mum

[Letsallscreamatthesistene]

Morning everyone

Im after some advice and perspectives as im not sure if im being all precious first born

My 3 month old hates the car seat, will scream if hes in it for more than 20mins. My mum is coming to visit me soon, and wants me to take said 3 month old to visit an elderly relative who lives 2 hours away for the day (4 hour round trip). I know the baby would cry all the way there, and all the way back. Ive said im not happy to do it, but my mum keeps saying things like 'children need to learn to travel, or you wont go anywhere', 'he'll be fine', and 'you did it as a child'.

I know the baby needs to get used to the car seat, but im not sure a 4 hour round trip and letting him cry is the way to do it. Am I being unreasonable?

OP. We had this with one of our twins at about 10weeks (before that, we didn't travel much as it was hard getting two babies out of the house :-))
He screamed like we were poking him with needles. I honestly thought there was something sticking into him and I pulled all his clothes off and checked every inch of the car seat. It was impossible for me to drive with him in the car. I was so distracted and my heart rate was racing. My GP reminded me this was my biological response to my son's distressed cry. He was otherwise a super chilled out baby, rarely cried, so I was alarmed when he screamed in the car seat.

We took him to the Paediatrician who diagnosed a type of reflux. Children with reflux have unique challenges in car seats as they have trouble getting comfortable.

He was a different child around 6 or 7 months. Car rides were a breeze.

Ultimately it is your decision if you take this journey or wait until he is better equipped to deal with the journey now.

Yes the Aton is a 0+. The insert is sort of hidden under the cover in it, it's just a polystyrene wedge. You might want to write on it or put it somewhere obvious because it's not clear what it is once it's out of the seat and could easily be forgotten.

I had the Aton 5 for DS2 and I didn't actually like it very much - it seems very scrunched up compared to other seats (really hard to judge this until you see actual newborns in them, unfortunately). Better without the newborn wedge, but still not fantastic. He also outgrew it really early, just a heads up, because the headrest doesn't go up very high in it at all. Another high centile baby here.

The only reason I suggested getting a Group 0/1 seat, is that this is the type of seat most people move onto after the baby seat, so it's something you'd need to buy at some point anyway, and it doesn't make a huge amount of difference really if it's now or in 9-12 months' time, unless you need that time to save up.

But like I said since your baby is big you'll want to avoid a Group 0/1 anyway as it won't be big enough for him long term. Staff in Smyths, Halfords etc tend not to warn you about this because they just want to make a sale and they don't sell the bigger seats.

DD hated the car seat, too. Would cry constantly unless I sang to her really loudly & without stopping for more than a breath. Once I was tired, DH could take over, but only for a few minutes. It had to be me. CIO in the car seat wouldn't have worked; she's always been the sort to get progressively more worked up until she is sick, which freaks her out. It would often take a few hours to calm down, too. Long car journeys were right out when she was a baby.

It is unlikely that he would cry the whole 4 hours there and back.

Can your mum not pick up the elderly relative and bring her to you to meet the baby? It seems a lot more reasonable that subjecting an unhappy 3 month old to a 4 hour journey and the driver and passengers to their screams.

The fact that you don't want to go is more than enough, as his mum you know him best. is there anyway of the relative getting to you?

YANBU

A small baby will not learn anything from being in a car seat for 4 hours, and will be subjected to high levels of cortisol for an extended period for no good reason.

Babies who hate the car seat grow into toddlers who like car journies without any kind of exposure therapy. Equally babies who sleep through car journies can grow into absolute nightmare car passengers in toddlerhood.

No way. My baby would scream in the car. I felt sick. The only way I would consider such a journey would be if it was to visit a grandparent on their death bed.
It will not get the baby used to the car. It will simply distress you and your child. And having listened to baby screaming the whole way there, you then have to sit through the visit knowing you have to listen to him screaming the whole way back.
No way would I go. Let the relative travel to you.

( It will get better with time)

Unless it's essential, I wouldn't subject a baby to that level of stress. 3 months is so new.

My eldest HATED his car seat from the start. He screamed from the minute he was strapped in. Well, I assume it was the car seat. Maybe it was the fact he couldn't see the person he relied on for everything, for staying alive. When possible DP, who doesn't drive, would sit in the back with him and that helped a lot. Obviously, I realise this isn't practical for everyday driving, but it made longer journeys tolerable. My dad used to say 'Aw, he's probably just a bit lonely'.

He gradually grew out of the crying, but even then liked to be 'entertained' or he would get a bit shouty I had a range of children's CDs he liked which drove me to the brink of insanity, but which he loved and listened to intently. Luckily DS2 didn't mind the car and protested loudly when I tried to put the CDs on. He preferred peace and quiet. It was great! They're all so different.

DS was the same, got better at 6 months. He’s fine Now at 15 months but he doesn’t ever sleep in the car, even if we time it at nap time. Just refuses to sleep. I’m the same though, I can’t sleep when I’m travelling.

We used to take him Longer journeys if we had to (holiday, occasions etc) but I wouldn’t be taking him to see a relative I wasn’t bothered about. Can’t hold the baby anyway so it’s pointless, may as well Video chat!

Mine hated the car seat at that age because the angle of the car seat gave him reflux and made him uncomfortable.

When he was bigger and grew out of the reflux, he was fine.

It had nothing to do with "getting him used to travelling".

No way would I do this. My son HATED the car seat. A 5 minute journey was torture. I drove with tears streaming down my face so many times... sometimes I had to pull over and just cried. With hindsight I wonder if I was even safe to drive with him screaming - it really affected and distressed me. There's no way I could put up with him crying like that for so long.
During the time that he hated it I sometimes used a dummy if i really had to go somewhere and that sometimes worked.
He grew out of it within a few months and now, at 20 months, he LOVES car journeys and gets so excited about going in it! It won't last for ever, but so what ever you have to do for the moment... and if that means not going anywhere unnecessary in the car, great!

Sorry if this is slightly missing the point but nobody should be driving anywhere to hug elderly relatives at the moment. You’d have to take a lot of breaks with such a little baby even if they did tolerate the car seat - and would your mum need to be in the car with you? Unless you’re the same household that’s not great unless absolutely necessary.
Maybe suggest it’s better all round to postpone a few months until it’s safer from a covid perspective and they’ll probably be much better in the car seat when a little older.

*It is unlikely that he would cry the whole 4 hours there and back.
*

Hahah, yes! DH and I will never forget the first leg of our "holiday" road trip last summer. DD was still exclusively breastfed, refused bottles and would only drink in a dark, quiet room. Trying to nurse her in a hot car was an absolute disaster waiting to happen. 3 hours of high pitched screaming, pulling over in a rest stop attempting to feed but she would drink a few gulps before crying again, rinse and repeat every 30mins until we finally arrived. We genuinely contemplated giving up the holiday and driving home during the night. Thankfully each leg of the trip got a bit easier as she finally figured that she had to nurse in the car or go hungry.

No baby would cry 4 hours.... however they would probably just cry themselves to sleep. Which is cruel. OP needs to start with a shorter journey.

"No baby would cry 4 hours" .... you obviously didn't meet my son when he was a baby!! Honestly you can't make that claim if you haven't met every baby! Some babies genuinely do!

No baby would cry 4 hours.... however they would probably just cry themselves to sleep.

I used to think that. My DD proved that To be BS after a 6 hour journey.

@surreygirl1987

"No baby would cry 4 hours" .... you obviously didn't meet my son when he was a baby!! Honestly you can't make that claim if you haven't met every baby! Some babies genuinely do!

I haven’t met every baby no your right. But if your child is crying for 4 hours at 3 months old something is not right!! Also it’s not a claim any child cry’s for longer than 1 hour straight would probably go to sleep even as an adult never mind.

That’s what I’m shocked at people suggesting OP should do it.

@AskingforaBaskin

No baby would cry 4 hours.... however they would probably just cry themselves to sleep.

I used to think that. My DD proved that To be BS after a 6 hour journey.

So your child cried for over 4 hours continuously??

Ds2 hated the car and on the few occasions we went anywhere further than 15 mins away, screamed the whole way unless was asleep before being put in the seat. He wouldn't take a bottle either, so for the first 8 or so months we didn't go far from home when at all possible. Yes, it is restrictive, but our whole lives are right now.

But it was fine eventually. He improved when I moved him up to his next size car seat early and he was more upright and higher up. It was one that is fine from birth, just not portable. By a year he would fall asleep in the car and happily watch the world go by.

Yes @Redroses05 no stop. We tried stopping at twice at the start. I'd feed her. Settle her, she'd be a happy laughing baby. I'd put her back and the screaming blue murder would start instantly. We worked out it was worse to keep stoping and starting. So we just went for it.

We didn't do big journeys for a little while.
Agree with Pp (and it's something I firmly took on after that hell) if people are so desperate to see a baby they can get a move on and come to the baby.

No way would I put my tiny baby through distress so someone could have a hug. Your mum is the one who needs tough love, tell her to piss off.

They shouldn't even be in a car seat for that long at that age.

I would politely tell her to fuck off x