Baby hates the carseat - argument with mum

[Letsallscreamatthesistene]

Morning everyone

Im after some advice and perspectives as im not sure if im being all precious first born

My 3 month old hates the car seat, will scream if hes in it for more than 20mins. My mum is coming to visit me soon, and wants me to take said 3 month old to visit an elderly relative who lives 2 hours away for the day (4 hour round trip). I know the baby would cry all the way there, and all the way back. Ive said im not happy to do it, but my mum keeps saying things like 'children need to learn to travel, or you wont go anywhere', 'he'll be fine', and 'you did it as a child'.

I know the baby needs to get used to the car seat, but im not sure a 4 hour round trip and letting him cry is the way to do it. Am I being unreasonable?

@PintOfBovril

For a 3 month old baby who is stuck in one position for 2 hours at a time crying and screaming and unable to move, of course it's going to feel like ages

An adult able to shift around slightly, choose songs on the radio, watch the scenery or focus on driving or talk to a passenger it won't feel like a long time but I beg to differ for the baby.

That's a really long journey for such a young baby. Stick to your guns and say no. Can someone not drive the relative over to you?

That’s unusual that the baby doesn’t like the car seat. I wouldn’t do it I can’t stand babies crying it’s awful it’s also dangerous. Your baby is quite young to be going all that way I think it’s cruel. Can your Aunt not come and visit you? I would wait till the baby gets older. Or you could travel by train I guess now isn’t the best time though.

Thanks everyone. Im also not sure that letting him cry it out for four hours is the way to tackle this. I put up with the crying for an essential trip, but I dont think this is worth it. I did say that im more than happy for them to visit me, but I think its just become a general argument about parenting now. My mum is very much of the 'cry it out, tough love' method for things, whereas I think there is often a more gentle way to achieve things.

I suspect this is just a phase and when hes bigger he may not mind it so much.

My children didn't hate the car seat but they are all really car sick, so actually we rarely drive for more than an hour even now and my youngest is almost three. Probably only do a long drive 3 or 4 times a year and only for something really important.

I wouldn't put a 3 month old through a 2 hour drive they will hate unless it's vital. It's not like if you don't let them scream themselves exhausted at 3 months you will miss a window of opportunity and never be able to drive anywhere

Your mother is cruel and it’s a newborn stage at 3 month. You decide it’s your baby.

I also dont agree that 'my life is over' because my 3 month old doesnt like the car seat. I think if hes still like this as an older baby id tackle things a bit more head on

No. Ds1 went through a phase of hating the car seat. Even a short car journey was incredibly stressful. There was one tune which would settle him. But 4hrs nope.
Baby will grow out of it.
I wouldnt let my tiny baby cry for 2hrs for a non essential trip.
You can get lie flat car seats. Or the train would be the best option if not for covid-19.
Elderly relative can wait a few months more surely?

Ah yes. Your mum has completely forgotten the newborn baby stage. Tough love is not really a great parenting option anyway. Stand up for your baby and you.

Just recheck the fit of the car seat. DS got very fussy in his and we checked and we needed to make adjustments to the straps and head rest and he's been fine since.

He'd had a bit of a growth spurt!

He could just hate the car and car seat but worth a try!

If you don't want to do it, don't. Can the relatives travel to you?

Just tell the relative to visit you. It's a bit cruel to force the baby to sit in a seat and cry for 4 hours at that age. You would really need to build up slowly and get them used to the seat. 4 hours would just make their hatred of it far worse.

A 3 month old won't learn anything from being stuck in a car seat crying themselves to sleep other than that you don't come to them when they cry. It will not get them used to travelling. They're too young for that. Your DM just wants you to prioritise her wants over those of your baby. You know what's right op. Stay home with your little one.

I agree it is likely to be a phase. When he's older he will be able to see more what is going on and will get more enjoyment from things like toys. If you have an adult who can sit in the back they can read stories, sing, give toys etc. Surely if you want to get your child used to the car, you need to go places that are about 25 mins away.

This visit is for the relative's benefit more than yours. It will be stressful for you and your baby so it doesn't seem worth it. I'd wait a few months or your mum can collect the relative and have them stay with her.

My baby HATED the car seat for the first 4 months. I did keep journeys limited to 15-20 min most of the time. On slightly longer journeys I took routes where I could easily stop.
One day he grew out of it and now he’s perfectly happy in the car almost all the time. Follow your gut, you sound like you don’t want to travel that far and that’s okay!

I'm with your mum. I didn't let mine dictate what I could do and they are now independent adults. That said we didn't have much choice but take long journeys and they settled after 15 mins or so normally

They grow out of it. A lot of babies do this at 3/4 months. They are better at travelling when they are older. I would wait a couple of months, especially as it's a non essential trip!

You could look into getting the next seat, if you get a Group 0/1 one then he could still be rear facing. Use the portable one most of the time but the big one just for this trip? But if your baby is big for their age then I wouldn't recommend getting a standard Group 0/1, I'd recommend getting a larger seat so it will last them longer, and a 3 month old won't fit in those types of seat.

I don't think lie flat is likely to make much of a difference. In any case the ones which lie flat in the car have a huge puffy headrest which holds the baby's head in a safe position, which a lot of babies HATE. So I wouldn't risk it for a child who already dislikes the car.

it would be super stressful to whoever was driving, no one can cope with a baby crying that long. We did lots of car journeys with my car-hating baby but we had him in a rough nap routine so we knew that if we set off at about 9:30 am, for example, that he might cry for 10 minutes but then conk out asleep anyway for 40 minutes, so we could plan journeys that way. 2 hours is very long if you don't plan on stopping for feeds and wake time!

I'm with Bertie- it might be worth looking at the seat. My youngest was dreadful in a 0+ infant carrier, but fine in a Group 0/1 rear facing seat. He suffered quite badly with wind and I suspect he felt uncomfortably scrunched up in the 0+.

If people are that desperate to see your baby they can do the travel themselves. I've got relatives 3+ hours away and they are mid sixties and more than capable of driving down. No way am I going up there. I don't think it's necessary, and therefore not worth the aggravation

www.lullabytrust.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/9-car-seat-factsheet-2019-09-09-1.pdf

Might be worth showing your Mum this OP.
I wouldn’t take a 2 hour journey with a 3month old unless it was really important to me and if you include the time to stop for breaks and traffic overall travel time will be well in excess of 4 hours.

My instinct says your baby dislikes the seat for a reason. Maybe they need to get a bit bigger or more use to being apart from you? Either way I’d put the journey off until you and baby are more comfortable. 3 months is still so small.

It's a myth that very young babies don't get carsick. Heard plenty of stories from friends who could barely go anywhere with rear-facing baby seats but it went away instantly once the child was old enough to face front and look out the window. DD was fine on the highway but would get hysterical when rear-facing on curvy countryside roads.

I don't think it's worth putting a child through the discomfort for something non-essential. Imagine all the adults who have a fear of flying and forcing them to sit through an endless turbulent flight without reprieve. Children perceive time differently as well, so 60mins feels much longer for then than for an adult.

Unfortunately there isn't a quick fix aside from time. The legal age to face front is 15months and we switched over at 16-17months. Of course, for utmost safety some believe toddlers should face back as long as possible (in the USA sometimes until 4 yrs old which frankly seems a touch bonkers). Similar to co-sleeping it's a balance between risk and benefit.

For us and many other couples the vanishingly tiny chance of being in a serious car accident wasn't worth the 100% chance of putting a child through distress and nausea every single car ride. If they are crying themselves to sleep or being sick on themselves and not getting any response from adults, then having that experience repeated all the time will most likely leave more trauma in their developing brains.

I suspect its combo of not being comfy in the car seat and being young. Hes on the 91st centile for height and weight, so not a small baby

@Lostinbooksandcoffee

No, sorry I didn't type that very clearly... if you read my previous post, what I meant is we weren't able to take car trips with LO because he hated it so much. So we didn't, and it was hard and a bit isolating. but it didn't last for a long period because he seemed to suddenly sort of like the car seat when he was older. I was agreeing that its too much for a little baby to be pushed into something they hate.

My DD was the exact same and in your shoes I wouldn’t do that journey. It’s just so stressful for baby and you and i guess if you don’t feel it’s worth it what’s the point in stressing yourself out.

Yes you won’t go as many places with babies but that’s inevitable so I wouldn’t feel bad about not going