Baby hates the carseat - argument with mum

[Letsallscreamatthesistene]

Morning everyone

Im after some advice and perspectives as im not sure if im being all precious first born

My 3 month old hates the car seat, will scream if hes in it for more than 20mins. My mum is coming to visit me soon, and wants me to take said 3 month old to visit an elderly relative who lives 2 hours away for the day (4 hour round trip). I know the baby would cry all the way there, and all the way back. Ive said im not happy to do it, but my mum keeps saying things like 'children need to learn to travel, or you wont go anywhere', 'he'll be fine', and 'you did it as a child'.

I know the baby needs to get used to the car seat, but im not sure a 4 hour round trip and letting him cry is the way to do it. Am I being unreasonable?

[BertieBotts]

Yeah then there's no point in getting a group 0/1 seat. He will grow out of it at about 2.5-3 years (They are generally sold as "up to age 4"). Keep him in the baby seat until he's at least 8-9 months and then Iook at extended rear facing seats. They aren't sold in normal chain stores so you will need to research online when you get to that point.

[BertieBotts]

If you have newborn inserts in the seat, you can probably take them out now. Sometimes there is a hidden wedge under the cover.

[Letsallscreamatthesistene]

We have the cybex aton car seat. Its 0+ I think.

[User24689]

OP I think it's a bit unfair to the pp that replied to you to compare traveling in the car to the "cry it out method". That is a sleep training method where you are actively deciding not to comfort your baby to 'teach' them to settle themselves. I wouldn't do this but I absolutely have let my babies cry in car seats - you aren't choosing not to comfort them you don't have an option when you're in the driving seat and they're in the back. They know you're there, you can comfort them with your voice and I have even driven one handed with my hand rubbing my screaming babies head in an effort to let him know I'm there - you aren't just ignoring their needs. Sometimes you have to travel- to attend appointments, get to nursery etc. My second child had to scream on the school run there and back every day with me. The alternative was my older child not going to school.

It's absolutely your choice and there is some good advice here about adjusting car seats or trying different ones. Think it's a bit unfair to judge other parents though.

[User24689]

I should add though that I probably wouldn't do a 2 hour journey with a 3 month old unless I had to though so you're absolutely fair enough saying no (to anything! She's your baby!)

[Purplequalitystreet]

My DS is like this. My DM lives 4 hours away and I just powered through with multiple stops. I'm not giving up travelling to see my mum, particularly after being in lockdown for so long. I'm going again next week and dreading the journey slightly! You don't need to leave him to cry it out for 2 hours. Services are every 25 miles or so. You can pull over at every one if you have to (I do).

[Phrowzunn]

It’s a hard one as it is bloody awful driving with your screaming baby in the back (although easier with second child haha) but in my experience yes they do need to get used to it (if you want to be able to drive places). In my experience longer journeys are actually better as once they’ve eventually fallen asleep it’s good to be able to give them time to nap otherwise it feels a bit like it was all for nothing. I agree try and go at nap time so they are sleepy (although not overtired as that will just make everything worse). I’m a great fan of using music for association, so we have ‘sleep songs’ for the car (which is mostly soft rock music tbh, Biffy Clyro etc). It doesn’t really matter what it is but if you can build an association (have it playing quietly in the background when they’re sleeping in the house) it will help them sleep in the car. I also do this with upbeat music, play certain songs and dance with baby, laugh and smile and whirl around, then I can use those songs for distraction when baby is upset (for example when you first get in the car, before you even strap them into the seat, have the happy music playing in the car) then once you get going and baby is happy you can switch to the sleepy music. Honestly works a treat (even with my toddler). Kids can build really strong associations with music and you can use it in so many different scenarios. There’s that old trick of ‘just add water’ to a grumpy baby - I find just add music works as well!

[ShouldWeChangeTheBulb]

Why would you put your self through that when the relative can just come to you. I would build up the time spent in the car seat more gradually.

[Thewoodstar]

Just wanted to say, please don’t put the baby in the front seat! Even if you switch the airbag off it can activate in a serious collision and kill your baby!
Please keep baby in the back with the handle up!

Good luck with your journey OP. I think popping car seat on the pram of getting baby used to it in the house for a bit is a good idea.

[QualityFeet]

So you want to see the relative? If so time for nap time and go for it and if not easy sorted- don’t go. Mine grew out of this at about 4 months.

[Keyboard91]

It’s totally your call, and your decision needs to be respected. If you don’t feel comfort taking baby 2 hours away then absolutely do not.

In the same breath, it would be worth trying to get your LO more used to the car as lockdown ends and you may wish to travel further. 3 months is the same as my LB so I suspect you’ve not gone out in the car much due to lockdown? I also have a chunky boy and car seat does make a difference for him. He screams in daddy’s car where he was still in his infant one (just - haven’t got round to switching it out) but he’s fine in my car where he’s in a Joie 360 so nice and secure. I also have a toy and mirror hanging from the seat headrest to keep his occupied if awake. I don’t know what seat you have, but may be worth looking at whether your LO is nice and comfy. You could try and go out just for drives if you have no where you need to go, just to get baby used to it. A little longer each time? I know now my LB travels happier it means I don’t have to factor that in to decisions about where we go so I can go where I want to go when I want to, if that’s makes sense? To begin with we couldn’t drive more than 10 minutes before he would get upset. Then started timing it so I went out when he was fed and dry but before he got tired and grizzly. Now he will travel quite happily so visited OHs parents (30 mins) and my sister (45 minutes). I like the freedom, having been lockdown with a screaming cmpa baby! But it’s a personal thing, you need to do what you are comfortable with, when you are comfortable with it.

[FedUpAtHomeTroels]

We lived an hour from the shops with a baby that hated the car seat at that age, I had to make a pit stops frequently to get the groceries. It helped when I had older Ds in the car too as he would talk to him and hold his hand it seemed to help stop him crying. He definitly got better with age.
Older Ds hated it too, but we lived in town so didn't go on long car rides.

[Mulhollandmagoo]

Have you had a gander around your car seat? there could be a newborn insert in or something, that if you take out will make him more comfy? is a new car seat something you would consider? like another poster, we have just upgraded to the Joie 360 spin for my 13mo, but she was a preemie so shes tiny, only on the 5th centile for both but she loves it! looks much more comfy and is a lot less unsettled in the car now.

But in your shoes I absolutely wouldn't do that journey if my baby would be distressed, it would be safe either as you wouldn't be able to concentrate, I don't do the cry it out thing either, my choice entirely, but my mum and aunts and grandmothers don't agree with me on that either, they have lots to say, but its because its not the advice they were given when their babies we're young and not a dig...took me a while to realise that. kindly but firmly tell your mum no, because your son wont be comfortable and because of that you don't feel safe and then shut it down.

[Franticbutterfly]

No way. I wouldn't let anyone take any of my DC away from me at such a young age (we be impossible anyway because I BF).

[Angelonia]

If you do decide to go, your mum needs to travel with you and sit in the back next to the baby to try and soothe him.

[minipie]

Personally I cannot drive safely with my screaming baby in the back, it distracts me too much. I’m not a confident driver. So do consider whether you think you could actually manage to drive in this scenario.

In a month or two you may find things change completely and your baby is ok in the car, don’t push it too soon, they change very quickly at this age.

[majesticallyawkward]

When my ds was a newborn he hated the car seat. I got a chad valley jellyfish thing that lights up and plays a tune... pop it on in the car and he's calm, then asleep pretty quickly. Tried to time trips with naps to help it along too.

He's 7 months now and I can pop him in the car anytime (as long as he's not hungry!) and he'll either fall asleep with his jellyfish or look out the window/play with a toy.

Does he have anything like a comforter or white noise machine?

[HouchinBawbags]

I let mine scream. They got used to it eventually. Car seats and certain journeys are essential. I once gave a lift in the absolute pouring rain to a neighbour and her very young toddler. She was so grateful but it got awkward when she wouldn't put him in the car seat properly because "he hates car seats so we've always left his straps under his arms and I wouldn't drive until she did.

I don't pander to my babies where safety is concerned and I don't piss about looking for longer, less efficient and more expensive ways to travel just to keep them happy. They're now 13, 10 and 8 and will shout at us to stop the car if their belt comes undone or anything. (It's happened on occasion when one is reaching between seats for something and accidentally releases the neighbouring seat.

[NameChange30]

YANBU, you are the parent and your mum shouldn't be pressuring you to let her do that length of journey with your baby if you're not comfortable with it - for any reason.

When DS was 3 months I wouldn't have let anyone take him anywhere for that long without me, anyway (he was breastfed so it wasn't possible but even bottle fed I don't think I would have wanted that time and distance apart).

FWIW, my DS absolutely hated his infant car seat and it turned out that he had silent reflux caused by CMPA (which we didn't discover until later). It's worth consider just in case that could be causing your baby's distress (does baby also hate lying flat for sleeping, nappy changes etc?)

Funnily enough, we also had a Cybex Aton infant seat and DS was on the >95th centiles for height and weight. It's not a very roomy seat, sadly, and taking out the wedge didn't make much difference. He was much happier once we got a Group 1 seat (still rear facing but more upright). However, at 3 months you still need one with decent recline so you'll need a group 0-1 seat.

[NameChange30]

Oh sorry just realised your mum wants you to take the baby and isn't proposing taking baby without you. Misunderstood that bit, sorry!

I still don't think you should have to go, though, it's your choice.

[Letsallscreamatthesistene]

Im not judging anyone, I dont think ive said anything to that effect at all on this thread.

I didnt realise the car seat has newborn inserts. Ill take them out and hope it makes a difference as I cant afford to spend a load of money on car seats just to see if he likes one over another one.

I still dont think its a good idea. Its because the elderly relative wants a hug and no other reason. Its not essential at all.

[GrumpyHoonMain]

I let mine cry it out too. I actually used the car seat more when I realised he didn’t like it - because it’s essential he learned that it doesn’t matter if he doesn’t like it. Going into the carseat was essential for us - I use it in public transport too.

[NameChange30]

[villamariavintrapp]

If you don't want to go, don't go. If you do want to go there are lots of things you could try to make the journey easier. It is unlikely that he would cry the whole 4 hours there and back. But if you don't want to go then just don't. It's not up to your mum.

[Canyousewcushions]

YANBU, we had one of these and there's not a chance I'd have taken her on a 4 hour round trip in a day. She didn't sleep in the car, she just screamed. And screamed. And screamed.

It got better when we switched her to frpard facing- though we waited until she was almost 2 and got her an impact cushion seat, as it's not recommended to forward face too early. It did mean our travel was very restricted for a while and it took us a while to get into the mindset of being able to go further afield!!