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Parenting

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Original poster

Can you ever love two children the same?

30 replies

LastNameChanger · 11/05/2020 00:40

I know through experience most parents tend to have once child they are more lenient on or show favour too.

I’ve been debating with DP for a month about having a second. We can just afford it and if we have another we would like there to be not too big an age gap (DD is almost 2 so it would have to be relatively soon)

The thing is having DD shifted my full world, she’s my favourite thing and I can’t imagine her sharing that love. Would I be able to love a second the same? Would it change my feelings towards DD?

Any advice on personal experience would be so helpful.

OP posts:

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DuckingHeckers · 11/05/2020 00:40

I have 4 and love them all the same.

TenThousandSpoons · 11/05/2020 00:43

Yes, you can’t imagine it until you have another but you will. I felt the same before I had my second. There’s a good quote about how you don’t have to share the love you have for your first, because the new baby brings a whole lot more love 💕

ThatsNotMyMeerkat · 11/05/2020 00:47

I only have one so far but when thinking about another have had the exact same feelings! I talked it through with a close friend who told me that my mistake was treating love like it was finite, and any love I gave a new child would take away from my existing child, where as actually love is infinite and it grows when you have your second. Her perspective reassured me greatly.

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ARoseInHarlem · 11/05/2020 00:51

I love one of my children with burning pride and for their tenderness. I love the other for their funny-ness and emotional intelligence.

I love them both more than anything and anyone on earth, equally so.

gluteustothemaximus · 11/05/2020 00:55

Have 3. Love all equally.

My mother had a favourite. It wasn't me.

Designerenvy · 11/05/2020 00:57

I have 3, I love different things about each of them. So, yes its equal love for each of them but for different reasons.

RedDiamond · 11/05/2020 00:58

You will love another to the ends of the earth and back in their own special way.

ZetaPuppis · 11/05/2020 00:58

Yes, you can love them equally. They will have different parenting needs though so watch out how they perceive that.

PineappleBun · 11/05/2020 00:59

I have 2. Don't think they need to share my love. I love them the same. They need to share my time and energy though.

Icanflyhigh · 11/05/2020 01:00

I have 3, they're all equally my whole world. You can't imagine it until you have more than one - and it isnt about sharing the love around, there's just more of it!
The hardest transition I found was from 1 child to 2. Going from 2 to 3 was a doddle!

EveryLifeHasASoundtrack · 11/05/2020 01:01

They share your time but not your love, love just grows. I loved seeing my older child with his sister when she was a baby. And then she just adored him so much as she got older. It’s a lovely thing to watch their relationship grow as well as have more children yourself.

I know through experience most parents tend to have once child they are more lenient on or show favour too.

I hope it’s not most. My kids are very different. My daughter definitely needs to be shown more sensitivity but I don’t favour her. My son would never have wanted/needed some of the things she does and vice versa.

Alpacamabags · 11/05/2020 01:02

I view it as if someone harmed them. Don't get me wrong there are days where one is an angel and the other is a nightmare. I might view them differently in the minute but the thought of either coming to harm fills me with dread. It's normal to like each of them more but i love them both the same.

LonginesPrime · 11/05/2020 01:06

You don't love a child any less because you have another one. Do you love your DH less now you have DD? That's not how love works.

Obviously if you don't feel 100% sure about having another one, I wouldn't do it until/unless you do. It sounds like you might end up resenting them otherwise, especially if you're happy with your setup the way it is.

Original poster

LastNameChanger · 11/05/2020 01:06

Different parental needs is true, as is sharing time and energy.

I really don’t want DD to have to share my time and energy but I loved having siblings growing up, we bounced off each other so well, I’d be scared I was being selfish keeping that from her.

OP posts:

Moonshinemisses · 11/05/2020 01:21

I love all my children equally but not the same because they are not the same. I'm not sure thats the right way to phrase it but what i mean is each of my children need different things from me & each.of them need me to show love in different ways. Still don't think I've explained that properly. I have a limitless love for all of them.

Original poster

LastNameChanger · 11/05/2020 09:09

I think I love DP differently since DD came along, it’s a lot less intense. She became my whole focus.
I guess that’s one thing I feel she’s going to be missing out on if there’s another baby and she has to share that focus

OP posts:

BammBamm · 11/05/2020 10:09

I think I cried when I was pregnant with DC2 thinking I wouldn't love them the same as DC1. Of course I did.

Cattenberg · 11/05/2020 10:13

Can you ever love both parents the same?

Maighdeann · 11/05/2020 10:14

You can love them the same however, you don't always like them the same though.

Ifeel1000yearsold · 11/05/2020 10:15

I think all parents think this.

I love mine equally but differently.

notasillysausage · 11/05/2020 10:21

Am currently pregnant with my third and last. The love I have for each of my children is definitely as strong, as others said they have different needs and ways they like to be shown attention but that doesn’t mean my love for them is any less.

In my mind, there is nothing wrong with your little one having to share your attention. It is actually a life skill that you are teaching her. She cannot be the sole focus of someone’s attention at all times and learning this before she starts school is only going to benefit her.

She would also get a lot from being an older sister. Watching my son with his younger sister melts my heart. It really shows his caring and nurturing side and he loves spending time with her. I guess what I’m saying is if the only reason you aren’t having another is fear of sharing your time, there are benefits for your daughter of learning to do that.

tempnamechange98765 · 11/05/2020 12:00

Of course, I have two DC age 4 and 14 months and I love them the same, it's impossible to quantify. On certain days/nights I certainly often find one or the other easier to manage, or even easier to like, but that's the way the stages of childhood go, the love is the same.

crustycrab · 11/05/2020 12:28

Love them the exact same. Most parents don't favour one over the other or be more lenient on one! Do they?

Your DD won't have to share love. It doesn't work like that. You don't run out of love

ThePlantsitter · 11/05/2020 12:34

I don't love my kids the same but I love them equally. They are different people and the love I have for each is different. It's worth remembering because when they get older and feel jealous of each other telling them what you love about them shuts them up much quicker than 'I love you both the same'.

But you don't have to worry about not loving them equally. As the family circle grows the love inside grows to fit it.

AudacityOfHope · 11/05/2020 12:36

Do you honestly believe that only first born children are properly loved?

Of course not! Don't be daft. The way you love your child now is the way you'll love all of your children.

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