Can you ever love two children the same?

[LastNameChanger]

I know through experience most parents tend to have once child they are more lenient on or show favour too.

I’ve been debating with DP for a month about having a second. We can just afford it and if we have another we would like there to be not too big an age gap (DD is almost 2 so it would have to be relatively soon)

The thing is having DD shifted my full world, she’s my favourite thing and I can’t imagine her sharing that love. Would I be able to love a second the same? Would it change my feelings towards DD?

Any advice on personal experience would be so helpful.

2 small dc and love them more than anything in the world. Couldn't pick which one I love more feel like they both fill my heart and brain to the brim and over. When pregnant with dc2 I was scared I wouldn't love the new baby and felt so guilty that I would be taking some my attention away from dc1 for the baby. You do have to share your time and attention and energy between them and it is a balancing act. Dc1 plays all day with dc2 though and I feel like having a sibling improves both their lives. They laugh with each other more than they laugh with anyone else. The love is the thing I needn't have worried about, dc2 has brought so much extra love with them

Love them the same? Yes. Parent them exactly the same? No, they are different people with different needs and strengths and challenges. I have the same almost insane sense of absolute love for each of them but they each need very different things from me.

I think it depends on the person.

I was one of 3. My mother definitely favoured the youngest.

My DH has two kids from a previous relationship - he absolutely favours the eldest but will deny it. It’s quite sad as when they were much smaller, the younger of the two would often get tearful and want to know why her mummy and daddy didn’t love her as much as her big sister. Really choked me up.

I have one DD but if I’m lucky enough to have a second child I see no reason why I wouldn’t love them both equally.

I have 4 and love them all the same. One of the challenges is that you have to treat different children differently, and they can experience this as favouritism.

For example, my DS2 has ASD and we need to be extremely prescriptive with him about rules and boundaries, as he doesn't feel social pressure or read situations and risk well, but ds3 has no challenges here - so DS2 forever says that it's not fair that he's hearing rules when his younger brother is not. At the same time, my DS3 uses his advanced social skills to be a very advanced liar, and so doesn't see why his big brother's statements are assumed to be gospel truth when he is often distrusted. My ds1 thinks they're both massive attention seekers and wants to go and live in a tent with his baby brother, the only one who truly understands him

Which is a long way of saying, there will always be some ways you treat one child seemingly 'better' than others, or ways that you find spending time with one easier than another... But you can still love them all the same, and my general feeling is that so long as they all feel very hard done by but secretly suspect they might also be the favourite, all is ok. That's how my siblings and I felt!

I really don’t want DD to have to share my time and energy

But she's not always going to want or need to be the sole focus of your time and energy. You have plenty to go round.