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Parenting

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Original poster

Being a mum of boys. Not sure how I feel.

95 replies

ZeloAzaban · 08/05/2020 14:26

And no it's not because I like frilly dresses.

Have a little boy already and planning a second child once covid has calmed down. Yes you'll all berate me, but I really want this one to be a girl. Love him to bits, but also hate hate how boys are still the preferred sex worldwide. It breaks my heart. So I've always wanted to raise a daughter. Give him a sister.

I hate how women are treated and every disadvantaged and sexist thing I saw growing up is still with me today. I've done a lot work with vulnerable women previously so probably seen a lot of negative.

But even my MIL now makes comments like "oh I always secretly wanted boys which I had, now you have one too!" She thinks I'll feel the same as I now have a son. She also assumes the rest will be boys as dh is one of 4 boys so more likely genetically. Even dh who said he didn't care either way and claims to be a feminist, now he said he'd quite like the second to be a boy too. This really grated on me! He didn't quite get why. He just said he loved having brothers, he knows raising boys now and loved the idea of a mini football team (this annoyed me the most).

My son is so gentle and sweet and takes after my side of the family and I'm very close to him, but I would still like a daughter! It annoys me as even though I am a mum of boys, I don't want to be in this 'mum of boys' club. I suppose I also find it offensive as I am clearly a woman.

I have this probably horribly warped view that if we have another boy I'll be forgotten and left out (also a SAHM as never really managed my career, which can make me sad anyway).

Anyone else had this before? I probably just sound like a nutter. If you have, did you get over never having a girl?

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Original poster

ZeloAzaban · 08/05/2020 14:28

I don't think it's even about having a girl, just the general sexism I still find around me but despite the people around me supposedly not being sexist.

OP posts:

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 08/05/2020 14:33

I have four sons. They are a gloriously muddled bunch, with completely separate and contrasting natures. My only daughter died at birth, so yes, I wish I had a girl. But I've never let it spoil one moment of the joy of having my boys.

Enjoy what you have. Show your boy how to relate to women and teach him what you think he needs to know in order to be a pro-feminist man. Stop thinking about it so much (this part is the most important!). We are all probably overthinking various aspects of our lives at the moment, but you shouldn't let it eat away at what you already have.

user12122 · 08/05/2020 14:34

To be honest, I think the preference is generally for girls! At least in the UK, it may well be different in other countries/cultures.

I also have a boy and am ttc a second. I can see the pros to having a boy and a girl to be honest. Nothing to do with wider issues as I'm only really interested in my own family dynamic! I'd like to have the opportunity to parent a girl but then I think my son would love to have a brother

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mumofblueeyes · 08/05/2020 14:36

Can you give me an example of the sexism you find around you? Am intrigued as it isn't something I see in my day to day life. I'm a senior leader in the workplace. My husband is a full time Dad, he sews and cooks. No sexism in our house or my workplace. The queen is a lady, as was our previous Prime Minister and is the Head of Police etc. Perhaps some mums just have a gender preference, you would like a girl next, some would like a boy? Good luck with your future pregnancy, hope you get whichever little one you want x

Reginabambina · 08/05/2020 14:37

You are turning this into a feminist issue where it really doesn’t have to be. I only have boys. I don’t feel left out or in any way disappointed. I guess part of it comes from having a good relationship with my fairly feminine father. I don’t see sex as directly correlating to behaviour. Yes my sons are into sons hideously boring ‘boy’ stuff. But they also enjoy do lots of things that I find fun. Maybe you’ve internalised sex roles or something? I never felt any particular desire to have a daughter (I wouldn’t have been disappointed to have one obviously but I can’t understand the need to a child of a particular sex).

Stuckforthefourthtime · 08/05/2020 14:38

I'm a mum of 4 boys, and one thing that you certainly don't experience here in the west is people seeing boys as better in any way. The amount of 'sympathy' I've been given for my lack of a daughter is unreal, often right in front of my sons! People endlessly ask whether we were trying for a girl, or say how sad it will be that I'll lose them all when they're older.

If I'd been able to choose at the start, yes i would have thought it would be nice to have sons and daughters. But once they're here, and you know them, you'd never swap - and not all boys are the same, one of mine is sports-mad, another loves tech, and another adores music and thinks a really special treat is to sit with me singing quietly and choosing my jewellery for the day (and another is a toddler, so who knows!). When you have more than one of one sex, I think you notice the differences between them more than assuming a trait is because they are a boy or a girl.

I am aware that most men I know don't keep in touch with their mothers the way that daughters do, and I wonder if it will be the same. And being a maternal grandmother is, I think, a different and often closer experience than a paternal one. I do sometimes mourn the daughter I'll never have - but only for a minute, and also because she never would have existed, even if I had a girl. But the gender divide continues to narrow, and the best we can do as mums of boys is focus on raising them to be kind, caring and respectful of others and hope this bodes well for their and our future!

Greenlorry · 08/05/2020 14:39

Boys are so loving and definitely keep you on your toes. I just have one but I never had my heart set on any particular gender.
The only thing that would make me yearn for a daughter is later on in life to go shopping with and I’m assuming girls tend to be more involved where boys tend to do their own thing.
We should be grateful for birthing a healthy child. That’s what I tell myself.

Mintjulia · 08/05/2020 14:43

Surely this is your chance to raise decent, independent, well-balanced men who have respect for people regardless of their sex.

xxxemzyxxx · 08/05/2020 15:13

I think it’s down to your own experiences. I am pregnant with my first and although I will be ecstatic either way, I’ve always loved the thought of having a boy first, I think because I would have loved to of had an older brother (I’m the eldest with a younger sister).

Pretty much everyone in my family would love me to have a girl (including my DH, he only has sisters and it’s just what he is used to) as the kids in our family are dominated by boys (only 1 girl at present), but baby will be very loved either way.

I completely understand you would like a girl to balance it out and being the same gender it’s easier to relate to, but personally I wouldn’t be angry with your MIL or DH, they are just going on their own experiences, doesn’t mean they will love the child any less if it’s a girl, and doesn’t make them sexist. Like my DH with his sisters influencing his experiences, your DH grew up with brothers and loved it, it’s just what he knows.

I wouldn’t worry about feeling left out, from what I’ve seen most boys adore their mothers. My aunt is mum to 3 boys, and they all have a great relationship with her (oldest is now 21). She would have loved a girl, but adores her boys and wouldn’t change them.

MrsBobDylan · 08/05/2020 15:38

About once a month there is a post on here about a woman wanting a girl. I have never seen one desperate for a boy.

The sex of your child is utterly irrelevant, really. Every child is different. The stereotype for girls is that we will grow up to be close to our Mum's, look after our parents in old age and want to pop round for a cuppa every day. If that were true, there would be no need for the stately homes thread which is populated by women who can't stand their mothers.

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 08/05/2020 15:44

I have two boys and I completely disagree that boys are "favoured". Its the complete opposite- everyone I've seen both on MN and in the real world wants girls. Ive had vile comments when I had my second boy eg" never mind, you can always try for a girl next time!" I dont want to- my boys are lovely, gorgeous, kind and wonderful.

As for feminism- I dont understand why you specifically need a girl to promote that- bring your boy(s) up to respect women, to support women's rights and treat women well and fight for equality. Men supporting feminism is a brilliant thing to do and its very important.

My boys are the light of my life and I dont feel that ive missed out. I'd have been just as happy with a girl but thats not what I got. I dont see the point of regretting something you have zero control over.

happytoday73 · 08/05/2020 15:45

I agree with mrsbobdylan.... Regular posts on here about people wanting a girl... Never spotted it the other way...

it makes me so sad
If there is sexism and prefences on here it's against boys not for them

ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal · 08/05/2020 15:49

I'm glad i only have boys. Before i had them i really did have a strong preference for girls. Now I think that fighting against male stereotypes is a lot easier than fighting against female ones. I'm not sure why you're so set on having a girl when you've seen how girls are treated.

"I hate how women are treated and every disadvantaged and sexist thing I saw growing up is still with me today. I've done a lot work with vulnerable women previously so probably seen a lot of negative."

Why would you be so keen for your child to potentially face that?

formerbabe · 08/05/2020 15:53

Love him to bits, but also hate hate how boys are still the preferred sex worldwide

Maybe in certain cultures but overall, in the UK, I'd say more people want girls.

WhyDoesItAlways · 08/05/2020 15:55

Whilst I get the people have a preference for boy/girl it's not exactly something you can choose so why worry about it. If you have a girl then great. If it's a boy why don't you put your effort into making him the kind of man that would treat women like the equal not weaker sex.

Fisharefriendstoo · 08/05/2020 15:55

You just want a girl and have tried to justify it with your reasons. In my experience it’s only mothers of boys that get the pity ‘oh you must wish you had a girl’

formerbabe · 08/05/2020 15:56

Mainly I think in western culture, women tend to stay closer to their family than men do when they become adults... very very generally speaking before you all tell me your anecdotes about men who are close to theirs! It's like the saying a daughter is a daughter all her life, a son is a son until he gets a wife...or something like that. Hence why I believe girls are more prized in western cultures

UsedUpUsername · 08/05/2020 15:57

I had a strong preference for girls. Boys tend to be more at risk for behavioural problems and autism and other SEN are more prevalent among boys.

I also ask, who fills up the prisons? Not girls .....

GameSetMatch · 08/05/2020 15:59

You either want a baby or you don’t, who cares what sex it is as long as it’s healthy. If you want a certain sex in my opinion you want a baby for the wrong reasons.

TiptopJ · 08/05/2020 16:02

I'm not dismissing how you feel but I think maybe you're overthinking this? It's fine to have a preference and fine to want a daughter. You dont have to justify it with talk of sexism and inferiority. Most rational people know that when you say you have a preference that doesnt mean you wont love the child you get, it just means you have a preference.

Boogiewoogietoo · 08/05/2020 16:02

I think with your views you should stick at one child. It is not fair to project those feelings on to a future possibly male child.

majesticallyawkward · 08/05/2020 16:10

Well, first off boys are generally seen as second best, at least in the uk. It's a ridiculous argument anyway, you have no control and does it really matter which genitals they have?

But anyone who says I want to have a boy/girl shouldn't be having any babies. It's no fair on the child, even if you think you aren't letting the preference or disappointment show, you are. How do you think your son would feel if he heard what you've written here?

Helmlover1 · 08/05/2020 16:11

I don’t have kids, part of the reason being I really wouldn’t want a son. I also don’t know any other woman who has yearned or longed for a son. Make of that as you wish.

MintChocAddict · 08/05/2020 16:14

*I had a strong preference for girls. Boys tend to be more at risk for behavioural problems and autism and other SEN are more prevalent among boys.

I also ask, who fills up the prisons? Not girls .....*

If you have a male partner it must be nice being a man in your house
Also worth remembering that you needed a 'flawed' male to produce your girls...
But continue to spout your prejudice.

TARSCOUT · 08/05/2020 16:22

I detest these selfish posts. Do you know how many people are unable to have children?.Perhaps you should stick with the child you have lest any new arrival disappoints you.

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