Being a mum of boys. Not sure how I feel.

[ZeloAzaban]

And no it's not because I like frilly dresses.

Have a little boy already and planning a second child once covid has calmed down. Yes you'll all berate me, but I really want this one to be a girl. Love him to bits, but also hate hate how boys are still the preferred sex worldwide. It breaks my heart. So I've always wanted to raise a daughter. Give him a sister.

I hate how women are treated and every disadvantaged and sexist thing I saw growing up is still with me today. I've done a lot work with vulnerable women previously so probably seen a lot of negative.

But even my MIL now makes comments like "oh I always secretly wanted boys which I had, now you have one too!" She thinks I'll feel the same as I now have a son. She also assumes the rest will be boys as dh is one of 4 boys so more likely genetically. Even dh who said he didn't care either way and claims to be a feminist, now he said he'd quite like the second to be a boy too. This really grated on me! He didn't quite get why. He just said he loved having brothers, he knows raising boys now and loved the idea of a mini football team (this annoyed me the most).

My son is so gentle and sweet and takes after my side of the family and I'm very close to him, but I would still like a daughter! It annoys me as even though I am a mum of boys, I don't want to be in this 'mum of boys' club. I suppose I also find it offensive as I am clearly a woman.

I have this probably horribly warped view that if we have another boy I'll be forgotten and left out (also a SAHM as never really managed my career, which can make me sad anyway).

Anyone else had this before? I probably just sound like a nutter. If you have, did you get over never having a girl?

My boys are fab. I know I would have loved girls just as much. I hope to God that they don't get exposed to too much toxic masculinity outside but I'm doing my best in the home to try and bring them up decent.

I have a little DS and fell pregnant 6 months pp. My DH and i were positively certain we would have another boy because there are almost zero females in his family. At the scan when the sonographer said we are having a girl i literally gasped in surprise. I was really looking forward to having two little boys but having a girl is going to be equally wonderful and i cant wait! I know it sounds like such a cliche but, especially since having health problems myself suring this pregnancy, all i want is a healthy and happy baby. When the time comes OP youre not going to give a monkeys armpit what sex they are.

You say it’s genetically more likely because he is one of 4 boys? Is that correct does anyone know? Not trying to be goady just genuinely interested as my dad is one of 4 boys and now has 4 girls, technically 6 as two miscarried. So presumably he was much more able to have girls than boys?

A lot of assumptions about me. Wrong, too.

Yet it’s true that boys are at higher risk for autism and other SEN. It’s also true that boys are more likely to have behavioural problems.

This all impacts on family life. Having a little boy can be wonderful, but they just come with higher risks.

I knew someone who was killed by her autistic son so maybe my perspective is coloured. But it happened and I can’t forget about it so easily.

I don't think it's the preferred sex in the UK. I've heard the majority of mums wanting a girl first or next time. But it comes down to 50/50 more or less so if you want another baby it may be a boy and as long as it's healthy that's the main thing. Nothing wrong in hoping for a girl and you may get what you want but it's just as likely you have a boy. I always imagined having two boys and got that and I'm happy but but not 3 so if I had an accident (which is extremely unlikely) I be hope for a girl but I'm not desperate enough to have a third baby even for a girl.

I knew someone who was killed by her autistic son so maybe my perspective is coloured. But it happened and I can’t forget about it so easily.

Oh well then, in that scientific survey of one situation I can clearly see why you didn't want a boy.

I love being a mum of boys. It’s shit being a woman, I’m so glad my beloved DC will never have to go through all the crap that I have. No spiteful catty friends at school, no periods, no faffing about with makeup or body shaving, no worries about being seen as a slut, much lower risk of being raped or attacked, safe to walk around in the dark, no pregnancy or birth resulting in a destroyed body and wrecked self esteem, no ruined career from being left holding the baby, no menopause... the list goes on.

I think most (not all) women prefer girls and most (not all) men prefer boys. In fact, there is a wealth of research to show that men are far more likely to leave the family unit if their offspring are solely female.
People say "Oh but boys can paint their nails, they can dress up and do ballet". They can of course. But IME the vast majority don't past the age of five. Gender differences are very clear.
I have two boys, now 17 and 15. I would have liked a DD In the early days, but what time has taught me is that for us, having two DC of the same sex has been absolutely the best outcome.
FWIW I never ever went shopping with my DM. That's what friends are for.

I just wanted to say I totally understand your feelings OP, I could have written this myself. Overall, pretty much all of the negative experiences I have had in life have been related to men and generally to do with an issue I feel derives from toxic masculinity, so I confess I do feel quite cynical about men as a whole.

That said, I also think a very large part of why I feel this way is actually directly to do with my partner's family. I didn't actually experience any of what you're describing growing up, my family is largely female and my dad did not fit very many masculine stereotypes. But my partner's family is mostly boys and they are very much the "boys will be boys" type, even the women display deeply ingrained misogyny on a daily basis, and every time a new boy is born into the family the "chip off the old block" comments start. To them it is funny, but I hate it. They are quite an overbearing family and seem to expect future children to very much fit into that mould (not helped by a family business they all work in).

The football team comments would get my back up too, because instinctively I'm thinking HELL no are you going to project your stereotype of what a boy will be like onto any child of mine and actively turn them into that. As others have said, I would just focus on the fact that if you do only have boys, you get to raise them your way. I wouldn't be confrontational but I would bat away any comment like that one with something that makes it clear where I stand on raising boys that way. Hopefully if they have heard you talk/joke about gender stereotypes and how bad they are enough times, they will get the message.

This all impacts on family life. Having a little boy can be wonderful, but they just come with higher risks.
Having any child comes with risks, you can't choose their sex or guarantee they won't have any illness or disability.

I knew someone who was killed by her autistic son so maybe my perspective is coloured. But it happened and I can’t forget about it so easily.
Seriously? That conclusive anecdote of 1 proves boys are bad.

All of this negativity towards boys and males is why we still have shitty gender stereotypes just as much as the 'pretty little girl' bs.

You may as well say you avoid men called Ian or Fred because they're known child killers.

I'm surprised your only reason for wanting a girl is in relation to sexism. Surely you can raise boys NOT to have sexist views? I know sexism is very real but it honestly doesn't affect me much. I can't really think of many times I've been a victim of sexism (and no I'm not blind to it. I'm very sensitive about these things). I nearly always feel I've been treated well and fairly by men and women. I think most people in the UK seem to want a girl. All the gender disappointment posts on Mumsnet are women who wanted a girl and are having a boy.

Goodness. I just came on to say that i dont feel like boys are favoured in the uk and I had people offer sincere condolences when i had 2 boys.
I didnt expect to be confronted with the horrorible 'autistic son kills mother' comment and being told what a risk i took by having a boy.

Boys are not favoured by women of the UK however I would say most UK men would like boys. Boys are more favoured globally by both men and women.

Well, surely this is an opportunity to bring up a son or sons to view women as equals? And you are making some worrying parallels between having only sons, being ‘left out’ and your regrets about being a SAHM. That’s something you can change regardless of the sex of your child — retrain and do something worthwhile that you love.

@UsedUpUsername as the mother of a much-loved DD with Aspergers and other SN there is a lot I would like to say to you at this stage but it would probably be deleted. Thanks for the comparison between autism and criminals too

I think you'll find in school that boys are definitely not prioritised over girls, it's the other way round ime.

Going by the comments on MN, I'm not looking forwards to being a mother in law either.

Boys in themselves are lovely.

Boys are much more likely to be the victims of physical attacks, they still get bullied, suffer from anxiety, have body issue problems etc.

I'm not denying that they are also more likely to be perpetrators of crime.

I come from a very boy heavy family on both sides, all lovely kids, teens and adults.

This post is silly and should be deleted. I think most mother may have a split thought of wanting an opposite sex child to what they already have. It’s taking it too far to create a post about it, it’s not that big of a deal. It’s in insensitive to people who can’t have children or would like more and can’t.

There’s bigger things to worry about

I think that the people surrounding you play a big part in the pressure to produce the 'right' gender. when either way you 'fail' to produce the heir or the princess then you can get so much negative shite through a very hormonal and possibly already worrying pregnancy. Once we all meet whoever was meant for us then that bond is amazing and you instantly (most of the time) know that that little person was destined for you :)

Have you looked into gender swaying if you would like to gently sway your chances, I wanted to add another/few more boys to the mix and was lucky enough for it to work for us, feel free to pm :)

It must be great to be in a position to consider another pregnancy on the basis of babies sex.
So many people out there would do anything for 1 baby!

Anyway as a mum of 2 sons. Boys are bloody brilliant. The boys together are amazing. Nothing makes me prouder than raising my boys to be wonderful young men.
I'm pregnant with DC3 I've stayed team yellow. I've had the comments of "wouldn't it be amazing if it was a girl this time?" & similar.
I just want a healthy baby.

I think your problem is with the sexism of people close to you. This will be imposed upon any and all children you have.

Try to treat each person as a person and discuss this at length with your DH too. Do only boys play football? No. Do all boys like football? No. Do all girls like dresses and make-up? No. Do only girls like dresses and make-up? No.

How would your DH and MIL respond if your son turns out to be artistic, or feminine, bisexual or gay?

Would your DH follow the child's lead and take him to art classes and creative events? Or would you somehow be expected to do that, because it's 'girly', or just because it's not your DH's favourite thing to do and he thinks he can pick and choose and dump everything else on you? (Just musing here!).

I think you have a lot of talking to do, with your DH.

I knew someone who was killed by her autistic son so maybe my perspective is coloured. But it happened and I can’t forget about it so easily

I dont believe this is the reason. If you google "woman kills mother" you can also find multiple cases of girls murdering their own mothers.
That doesnt mean having a daughter means youre going to be the victim of murder. You can find one anecdote to fit any point. The majority of parents are not murdered by their own kids FGS. What an utterly ridiculous thing to say.

I don't think that you should get pregnant again with that mindset.

I agree with others that UK society generally has a ‘women must be desperate for daughters’ mindset - I was asked if I was disappointed with both my boys.

I did have a moment when I found out my second was a boy - not for himself, but a little moment of letting go of the idea of ever having a daughter. Which was obviously an idealised version of having another me, not a separate individual daughter whose interests might be totally different from mine.

He’s four now, and he’s a dramatic showman who loves more fiercely than I thought any human was capable of, loves telling long, intricate stories and building worlds for himself, throws himself off the sofa at a million miles an hour but hates his bike and scooter because ‘they’re too wobbly’.

I hate how women are treated and every disadvantaged and sexist thing I saw growing up is still with me today. I've done a lot work with vulnerable women previously so probably seen a lot of negative.

My take on this is that I can probably do a greater service to society in raising decent, respectful, compassionate, feminist boys than in (the incredibly important work of) raising girls who know their worth and how to fight and not settle for sexist behaviours at home, in their relationships or in the workplace.

The more boys we raise who won’t view or treat women like that, the more chance it becomes the norm. I have no doubt this will be my biggest battle in the teenage years but I’m determined to do it.