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Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

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Original poster

Child maintenance- he's gone to CMA.

87 replies

TwoStepsAhead34 · 14/04/2020 17:08

Soo, he paid for the children in the end of March.
We had a private agreement how much he would pay and it has been fine for the past 4-5 years.
He has been furlough due to CV. I spoke to him in the beginning of April and he said he can't pay nothing this month. I asked what about the furlough pay and he also applied for UC. He was a bit shady as he normally is when we talk about money. I told him once he's back at work, he will need to pay me back the money he's missed now as "I am not going to subsidize your child maintenance, it needs to be paid back as I rely on it" - these were my exact words. He said yes yeah,I know. I will let you know about how much I'm getting.
Last Friday he didn't pay me anything. So I asked him if he has heard from furlough payment or UC? He got VERY angry as I expected. He told me I'm not getting nothing from him. I told him debt is a debt.
Today I received a phone call from Child Maintenance asking to talk to me regarding a current claim. I was like what, I don't have any claims with you. He went to CM saying that he wants CM to figure out how much he has to pay (a lot lot less that we had agreed, that's why I never went to CM to begin with). Guy told me that if he's not earning, I will get nil and if he receives benefits, he will pay £7 pw!!! I was like "He is doing this to fuck his ker." The guy over the phone was less than helpful. So I rang my kids dad - he said he will be giving CM nil income bank account details and "Enjoy your fuck all!"
I don't know what I want from this post. Just a rant more than anything. He's such a fucking asshole.

OP posts:

Original poster

TwoStepsAhead34 · 14/04/2020 17:10

My Ex went to CM to "pay the bare minimum".
And I told the guy on the phone that my ex is doing this to fuck his kids over big time.

OP posts:

Rtmhwales · 14/04/2020 17:11

If he's getting furlough I'd imagine that will show up an income to base his CM off of with the CSA. Can you contact them and discuss that? If he's getting just UC then the amounts are likely correct and unfortunately as within his rights. How old are the kids?

lovelydream · 14/04/2020 17:13

You sound like you were really aggressive to be honest and pretty unreasonable with him with your "debt is a debt" stance and have now cut off your nose to spite your face

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Benefits Families General parenting

Soubriquet · 14/04/2020 17:13

Unfortunately he can do this

What a dick head

TigerKingisMental · 14/04/2020 17:14

I sympathise but you kind of shot yourself in the foot with your negotiating tactics. If he had previously paid above what was required with no problems I probably wouldn't have gone in heavy handed like that. You upped the ante too soon.

Is there anyway you can take the heat out of the conversation and get back on a more constructive footing?

NorthernSpirit · 14/04/2020 17:20

A family agreement (unless written into a consent order) is not legally standing. It’s an agreement between you which be broken.

CM will calculate based on his earnings / ability to pay.

With a family based arrangement he’s not legally obliged ‘to pay you back the money he’s missed’.

Sounds like he’s done the right thing going to the CMS. They will calculate legally what he should pay (the minimum) and he can decide if he pays more.

Original poster

TwoStepsAhead34 · 14/04/2020 17:22

I wasn't aggressive with him at all. I explained him that I still have a lot of bills to pay - he lives with his parent's without any household costs. Apart from his car and phone top up.
I said that my rent still has to be paid in full, my LL hasn't given me any rent reduction what so ever. Also other bills have to be paid. I can't help them. He then told me that "You need to tell your landlord that he isn't being reasonable and he is getting mortgage holiday and he should give you a break too!" I told him that my LL has to pay it back - the mortgage holiday, so therefore I don't want to rock my rent boat as he is can still up my rent any day! I said in a jokey way "Besides I don't want to be in debt for rent! I was there and I lost a lot of sleep over it! Debt is a debt, doesn't matter which way. Rent or Child maintenance..."

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Original poster

TwoStepsAhead34 · 14/04/2020 17:23

Children are 8&9

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ChandlerIsTheBestFriend · 14/04/2020 17:23

This reply has been deleted

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MrBrightside1980 · 14/04/2020 17:24

I'm a dad who pays a monthly amount to my ex for my children in a private agreement, way above what the amount would be if we went through the official channels. Even if/when it causes me financial hardship I still pay. I appreciate that all situations are different but at the end of the day the money is for my children and their wellbeing. They had not asked or wanted for their family to be apart.
Personally I don't think it matters what your stance was with your ex, he is being a huge dk. He is punishing his children. I've been on the end of some choice words from my ex on many an occasion but that would never lead me to behave that way and just stop paying. It's crazy and does nothing but cause more distress to the children's lives.
Appreciated that his salary may have been affected by the CV situation but to take that attitude and telling you to 'enjoy your fuck all' is disgusting. There are unfortunately many "fathers" out there that behave in this manner but there are also a large number who are not. Disgusting behaviour

BlueGheko · 14/04/2020 17:25

Child maintenance is based on the previous years income. It only goes down if his income reduces by over 25%, so if he's furloughed on 80% that won't make any difference to your award.

Original poster

TwoStepsAhead34 · 14/04/2020 17:25

Anyway. I think there's nothing that can be done now - He has washed his hands with them again. Like he did back in 2013. And still thinks he's the greatest father of them all. How do some people sleep at night is beyond me.

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ChandlerIsTheBestFriend · 14/04/2020 17:26

I said that my rent still has to be paid in full, my LL hasn't given me any rent reduction what so ever. Also other bills have to be paid.

All your responsibility. Not his.

feathermucker · 14/04/2020 17:27

I completely agree he should be paying an amount in relation to what he is receiving from furlough etc.

However, you can't demand he owes you additional money whilst he's earning less......that isn't how it works, I'm afraid.

I understand you have overheads that need paying, but you do sound quite aggressive about this.

Original poster

TwoStepsAhead34 · 14/04/2020 17:33

@MrBrightside1980 - you are doing the right thing, but my ex always sees the CM he pays FOR ME, not for the children. He has told me this before that "You're not getting a penny from me!" Unless I "behave" a certain way. He hates that I'm independent and don't take his shit for real anymore. He hates having no control over me or more the fact he can't control my finances. He doesn't see the kids if the girlfriend decides so - one of his weekends they went away with the gf and he put the videos up in TikTok for girls to see. They came to me saying "Mummy, look. Daddy isn't picking us up as he's away with the girlfriend!" They were heartbroken. And I'm the one left here to pick up the pieces.

@ChandlerIsTheBestFriend I'm not difficult. I'm just not afraid to speak up and won't let him take the piss like he did years ago. I ended up with heavy anti depressants due to his gas lighting and manipulation, making me believe I was insane and crazy. So please. Don't tell me I'm difficult to deal with. I have forgiven him a lot and still to this day I get that I should have been more grateful!

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Windyatthebeach · 14/04/2020 17:37

Not being harsh but where was he to get the money from for the dc?

Pulpfiction1 · 14/04/2020 17:41

To be fair to him, if he's got no wage coming in he's probably worried about paying his bills and feeding himself. You can't really expect him to pay you child maintenance when he has no income.

This time is difficult for lots of people, I'm sorry that you and your kids are being effected but lots of people are in the same boat.

Child maintenance is a % of income so he's not legally obliged to pay you anything and he won't be accruing a debt to you (not a legally enforceable one anyway).

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/04/2020 17:42

You’re not independent if you rely on his contribution and your tone when talking about what he’ll owe you if he underpays you now underlines your dependence on him. Not sure what you mean by that.

He sounds very unpleasant, which is a shame for your children and you, but his girlfriend is irrelevant to child support and you’re muddying the waters by including all of that information.

If he’s so awful you’re best off going through the CMS and removing as much need to communicate with him as possible. You’ll get less money but you must have known a private agreement was his choice and he’s no longer able or prepared to give it to you so nothing you can do.

You were extremely rude to the man you spoke to from the CMS. He’s doing a horrible job, everyone is more stressed than usual, and you behaved really badly swearing at him.

ChandlerIsTheBestFriend · 14/04/2020 17:42

I'm just not afraid to speak up and won't let him take the piss like he did years ago.

Except it was you that is taking the piss expecting him to pay the same money as before when he is earning less. Child support isn’t a fixed amount never to be altered. It goes up and down according to his income and you aren’t owed the difference when he is earning more again. You were being unreasonable he understandably got fucked off with you so he’s gone through child support so you will get the legal minimum your children are entitled to. If you had behaved reasonably you wouldn’t be in this situation.

MasterCat · 14/04/2020 17:44

How can he pay you if he has no income?

Original poster

TwoStepsAhead34 · 14/04/2020 17:46

He's got furlough money? He admitted that last month. And when I questioned him again, he got very angry. He also said to me on Friday, 3rd April that he has claimed Universal Credit. But something is a miss then - can you be furlough with 80% and still claim UC?
He has several incomes, I don't know about what or how much, but he is very grafts when it comes to money - and I've just seen his ex gf post (who he also has a child with) regarding the monies too "Some men are not born to be fathers. Least you could do is pay the CM, even this is too much for you!" But they have had the CM agreement via CMA for years, she took him to CMA and he was soo happy when he found out how little he had to pay to her for their child. I just kept saying that he is being very unfair and I wouldn't like this if he would pay more to his ex that for our children. And now he is doing the same to me.

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slipperywhensparticus · 14/04/2020 17:47

He gets 80% you should be getting 80 %

But he is clearly a shit head

MasterCat · 14/04/2020 17:48

But I thought the furlough and UC funds were going to be delayed several weeks, has he received it yet?

Original poster

TwoStepsAhead34 · 14/04/2020 17:49

He lives at home with his parents- he has no rent, bills or food to worry about, he's parents are taking care all of this.

And I did apologise to the guy over the phone- I told him he has been put in a horrible spot by him.

OP posts:

Original poster

TwoStepsAhead34 · 14/04/2020 17:53

@slipperywhensparticus - I told him, even if he deducts the 20%, then fine. But he wasn't happy with paying the 80%, he paid half and then week after nothing.

Thing is I don't know if he gets paid weekly or monthly! He pays me weekly, but has said he gets paid monthly and then sometimes he says weekly again. I don't know what to believe. And when he told me about University Credit, he said he should receive the payment in three days. But he told me this on 3rd April?

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