I'm trapped in lockdown with a manipulative teenager

[Dumbledorker]

He will be 15 in November. i cant even begin to describe or explain everything but long story short he refused to go to school, referred to CAMHS who say he has no mental illness and its all behavioural. They said they see clear child to parent abuse. I feel trapped, miserable, lost, embarrassed, just generally hate him so much and I hate myself for it.

I'm trying to get control of the situation and stand my ground as a parent but he accuses me of then being controlling.
I have changed the wifi password and said I will give it back once I start seeing some changes in how he treats me and respects me.
He says he won't respect me until I respect him.
I literally do everything for him.
I reward good behaviour and tell him how lovely the day has been when he has been pleasant.
This is usually when he wants something and so will be all sweet until he gets it and then its back to square one again.
I have redecorated his bedroom to the quality of basically every teenage boys dream.
Its now covered in food and stained carpets. There are dried bogies on the walls that he has wiped on there. He sleeps in his clothes that he wears the day before and he will stand and lecture me on how it isnt disgusting. He doesn't ever ever brush his teeth and his breath is putrid. He claims its not his teeth its a problem with his stomach and its proven by science that actually bad breath... etc etc etc
He refuses to wash his hands and pretends he has done them. He literally pees all over the toilet seat which I believe is on purpose. We had a wooden one that I had to replace because it warped at the back. He says its not him it's his sisters which is impossible for a girl to achieve. He stays on his ps4 all night and is currently sleeping all day . If I take away his electronics he will accuse me of secluding him from contact with his friends. He will then throw a rage and threaten to kill himself. He says the only way he will calm down is if I give him back his things. Then he goes upstairs and laughs with his friends on the headset.
He has sat in my bedroom in the dark for 2 hours before waiting for me to go to sleep so he can get his things back which I sometimes have to hide with me under my covers.
I've just told him not to put 20 buckets of hot water in the pool because I cant afford the gas to warm the taps or electric for the kettle. So he went outside and told his sisters he is sorry but mummy is being unfair and doesn't want us all to have fun.
He told his sister not to make me a coffee because she needs to join his rebellion to get the wifi back which his sisters aren't actually bothered about the wifi. I have put a pile of clothes on his bed to put away and I always find them in the wash basket mixed in to the bottom so I don't notice. He knows il have to wash them because his sister is incontinent and often there maybe wet pants or soiled sheets ready to be washed so I can't just pick them out and put them back in his room as they might smell.

I divorced from the girls dad 3 years ago so there is no male figure in his life. He's biological dad began to see him but doesn't live near and has a poorly daughter and his partner has a very bad heart condition. Both her and the child are on 12 weeks quarantine . Their home before this has to be completely free of germs and clean. He works and his partner works from home. They are genuinely lovely people but their personal and financial situation is in turmoil and so its very difficult to have him over to stay regular although they genuinely want him to stay its just not possible right now as any other time.

I just feel absolutely and completely exhausted. I don't know who can help right now.

I hate to say this but I get to the point that I just want the police or someone to take him away, put him in foster care or a place where he learns respect and to behave properly. I really don't like him right now and hate myself for it.

Really glad you're having a good day so far. I understand how exhausting and tense it must be for you waiting for the next "kick off". Sounds to me like he's calmer/happier when he's outside a bit more or socialising with real people and not twats online (and many teen boys act like twats on gaming platforms even if nice in real life). So maybe don't rush him back onto his PS4?? Is there anything else he enjoys that you could do together e.g. cooking? fave film?

I’d stop doing everything for him and stop giving him attention when he has rages etc. I have an 11 year old whose had outbursts like this for a few years and the more i don’t play into his hands the better.

All those good things he does, when he's polite and kind to other people (so much so that you think you won't be believed) that is all you. He has that good in him because that is how you've raised him.

He's either just struggling with his hormones or there is slight autism there, either way as he gets older he will be able to control himself better.

Unfortunately, we are all guilty of taking our feelings out on those we love and trust the most.

Try and remember these good things and praise him for them, then when he is being a pain remember it will pass and is not personal. And continue trying to get support from outside sources too like the EWO etc

Before lockdown did he invite his friends round much?

It could be something you could talk to him about doing more - if he keeps his room tidy etc. I'm wondering if this will help with his hygiene issues and attitude a bit as you can use it as it's giving him a responsibility that if he chooses to follow the rules he can then have a friend round.

At that age, I listened to my friends more than my parents, so if they saw his behaviour or uncleanliness they might have more influence over him than you do at the moment.

Have you actually asked him why he's so angry?

It's actually a really interesting point. And might make him think.

Anger is very hard. I am. I was a loved content little thing growing up. I was badly treated when my ds's were toddlers. I find controlling my anger and trying to address the core problem very hard now.

OP, I also started a thread yesterday re. my horrible teen DDs so I feel your pain, I really do. Your neighbour sounds lovely.

Eldest DD also did the washing thing for years, I eventually had enough and she now does her own washing. She does let it pile up but funnily enough never rewashes anything that’s actually clean! I like the idea that someone had about giving him three sets of clothes only.

There’s no way you’ll be able to deal with all of his issues at once but maybe just tackle one thing at a time. So I’d start with that one.

It sounds like some help from Social Services would be a good idea, I thought about this yesterday myself as I am at my wits end. I can feel myself slipping into depression and don’t think I can deal with it all myself, something I haven’t had since I was with their abusive dad. Although I have no idea how long it’ll take you to get that help at the moment.

Is there a possibility that he could have some form of undiagnosed ASD? I know my eldest has some underlying issues which is contributing to our problems.

Also, once lockdown is over, he needs to go back to school/education. There’s no point him hanging around at home causing even more misery.

💐

Hello OP
This post sounds exactly like my friends son with the behaviour. Including the threats of suicide.

The untidiness and mess and filth sounds like my daughter!

I would choose your battles and one thing to focus on. Possible respecting you.

Like other poster have suggested, removed everything until
He can be respectful. Ignore threats of suicide- that is manipulation.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Teenagers are foul; especially when they find a little niche in you that they can manipulate. I'm not saying don't love him. But employ some tough love now.
xx

Lovely updates OP. It looks like his behaviour is not dissimilar to little kids who tantrum only for mum at home... Where they are safe. Keep communication open and keep the strict structure and rules, he needs it. You're doing great

He sounds like he is struggling a bit and taking it out on you - just because you're there. He is probably angry about not being able to see his Dad, his step Dad leaving, being stuck in the house.

Just wondering what his relationship with his step Dad was like?

You mentioned DD bed wetting & I wondered if that was perhaps related to her Dad leaving?

You need to get his Dad on board - even if he can't go and visit could he post him a gift, FaceTime etc just to make him feel more connected.

He may also feel now he's the only male in the house that he is in charge.

Tell him you love him (even though he's being a nightmare), try to find something you can both do together.

Agree also with getting some help - not sure sending him away will help.

Sorry just caught up with this thread, please google pathological demand avoidance. He sounds like he needs a proper assessment by a clinical psychologist and multidisciplinary team xx

@Dumbledorker I know how this feels - I went through several years of hell with my son just like this, the two differences being he was a heavy cannabis user and spotlessly clean - I self referred to Social Services requesting family counselling but they ordered me to throw him out (he was 19) and things then went massively downhill - he is now on remand facing trial for an explosives charge and is possibly schizophrenic - he has also been sectioned (mental health services are overstretched and sometimes useless - they said there was nothing wrong with him but having completely stopped smoking weed for an extended period, the delusions and auditory hallucinations continued and we are now where we are).

If you ask him to leave the family home at 16, you must apply to Social Services for a Care Order, citing what CAMHS observed about parent to child abuse (this, by the way, is a whole lot more prevalent than people care to admit) - he will be housed in supported accommodation and allow you and your girls some breathing space.

What you are experiencing is coercive control/domestic abuse - you and your girls are more at risk because of lockdown - call the Police, tell them what is going on and they will signpost you (probably through Social Services).

Look after your own mental and physical healtb as much as you can - I absolutely adore my son (he has many good points) but his behaviour became out of my skillset to manage effectively - boys need good, decent men to guide them and I blame myself for choosing a prat. You have to keep supporting them no matter how beaten down, exhausted, emotional and angry you are but sometimes it has to be from afar xx

have you had him assessed for pathological avoidance disorder?
xxx

Similar issue when my DS was 13-16.

I Grey Rocked her for my own sanity. I gave the WiFi and let her sleep/stay up late. I found that if she was sleeping in the day I didn't get shouted at or screaming hissy fits.

I didn't give her any money, new things, do nice things with her. I declined family occasions as she would often act up and embarrass me.

It's was a hard time and I struggled to just exist. I found comfort in small things such as an early morning long bath!

After a while when I stopped giving in to buying new things and grey rocking her, the tantrums became less frequent. We started to have better days and the good was more frequent than bad.

Ds is now 17 and still a selfish entitled cow bag sometimes. However I just revert to the grey rock (as hard as it may be) and it seems to blow over within 30mins or so.

Things that helped : her staying with grandparents for the odd night and going for tea twice a week. Helped her get a part time job so her could buy her own stuff. Not sweating the small stuff and choosing ur battles ie not eating her tea isn't worth an argument however going out at 10pm to hang out in the streets is!