I'm trapped in lockdown with a manipulative teenager

[Dumbledorker]

He will be 15 in November. i cant even begin to describe or explain everything but long story short he refused to go to school, referred to CAMHS who say he has no mental illness and its all behavioural. They said they see clear child to parent abuse. I feel trapped, miserable, lost, embarrassed, just generally hate him so much and I hate myself for it.

I'm trying to get control of the situation and stand my ground as a parent but he accuses me of then being controlling.
I have changed the wifi password and said I will give it back once I start seeing some changes in how he treats me and respects me.
He says he won't respect me until I respect him.
I literally do everything for him.
I reward good behaviour and tell him how lovely the day has been when he has been pleasant.
This is usually when he wants something and so will be all sweet until he gets it and then its back to square one again.
I have redecorated his bedroom to the quality of basically every teenage boys dream.
Its now covered in food and stained carpets. There are dried bogies on the walls that he has wiped on there. He sleeps in his clothes that he wears the day before and he will stand and lecture me on how it isnt disgusting. He doesn't ever ever brush his teeth and his breath is putrid. He claims its not his teeth its a problem with his stomach and its proven by science that actually bad breath... etc etc etc
He refuses to wash his hands and pretends he has done them. He literally pees all over the toilet seat which I believe is on purpose. We had a wooden one that I had to replace because it warped at the back. He says its not him it's his sisters which is impossible for a girl to achieve. He stays on his ps4 all night and is currently sleeping all day . If I take away his electronics he will accuse me of secluding him from contact with his friends. He will then throw a rage and threaten to kill himself. He says the only way he will calm down is if I give him back his things. Then he goes upstairs and laughs with his friends on the headset.
He has sat in my bedroom in the dark for 2 hours before waiting for me to go to sleep so he can get his things back which I sometimes have to hide with me under my covers.
I've just told him not to put 20 buckets of hot water in the pool because I cant afford the gas to warm the taps or electric for the kettle. So he went outside and told his sisters he is sorry but mummy is being unfair and doesn't want us all to have fun.
He told his sister not to make me a coffee because she needs to join his rebellion to get the wifi back which his sisters aren't actually bothered about the wifi. I have put a pile of clothes on his bed to put away and I always find them in the wash basket mixed in to the bottom so I don't notice. He knows il have to wash them because his sister is incontinent and often there maybe wet pants or soiled sheets ready to be washed so I can't just pick them out and put them back in his room as they might smell.

I divorced from the girls dad 3 years ago so there is no male figure in his life. He's biological dad began to see him but doesn't live near and has a poorly daughter and his partner has a very bad heart condition. Both her and the child are on 12 weeks quarantine . Their home before this has to be completely free of germs and clean. He works and his partner works from home. They are genuinely lovely people but their personal and financial situation is in turmoil and so its very difficult to have him over to stay regular although they genuinely want him to stay its just not possible right now as any other time.

I just feel absolutely and completely exhausted. I don't know who can help right now.

I hate to say this but I get to the point that I just want the police or someone to take him away, put him in foster care or a place where he learns respect and to behave properly. I really don't like him right now and hate myself for it.

@sadpapercourtesan this is exactly what I would do too, he has shown he can be nice when he wants something, he is playing you, sounds like a brat that needs some discipline

@Isadora2007 oh absolutely I agree. I noticed when he was 6 that he wasn't the child I imagined so I made two more to replace him. 🙄

The rest of what you have said I already have circling around my head on repeat daily and feel immense guilt for it that I couldn't give him the stability that a normal family have who stay together forever.

The girls dad left me for an older woman..
The kids don't have a clue because I don't want them to know what he did.
The last thing they need is to have bad memories and thoughts about their father.
I have also told them they are very very lucky to have two mummies now. As does DS14.

This is why I threw out my daughters phone, not just took it off her. He can’t nag for what he doesn’t have

@Herpesfreesince03 this is what scares me though. If I do that now he's likely to go in a rage and I'm.scared of him attempting suicide or taking me phone from me with force

I'm so sorry to hear you're stuck in thr middle of this. My DS17 does a few of these things so I know the feeling. But your son is pushing it soooo much further than mine. I am often dismayed to realise I don't like my son. Its heartbreaking. But I'm hoping it's temporary and we'll come out the other side.
I can set the hours that my son can access the WiFi. It's currently set at on for most of the day but off at midnight. When he gets out of order I let him know that it'll be going off an hour earlier if he carries on. Thing is, he knows I will do it. I do take DC's phones away. I do take away the controllers or limit devices WiFi time.
He shouts at me that he lives in a prison but I have to make a stand sometimes. Then when he's getting out of order and I say right, so the xbox is going off at 11 tonight then, he'll rant and rave but go away and calm down as those late hours on the xbox, talking to his friends, is what he lives for at the moment.
It does sound like you need some support. Talking to ss would be a good idea I feel.

I have no advice OP but wanted to send you support. I can't imagine how hard that is.

Do you have any family you can reach out to for support? If he could go and stay with his dad or grandparents for a few weeks that might help. Then reset the ground rules for him coming home.

He sounds like he needs professional help.

Social worker here too - echoing very much what @Yodasdog has said, please self- refer. It might be that your local authority social workers can refer you to a family breakdown prevention service initially, who can try to work with you both to come to a resolution, before looking at alternative options ie a foster placement. Speaking from personal experience, when I was a child my mum and dad (my brothers step-father) had a hell of a time with my brother around the same age - think school expulsion, drugs, police involvement etc and my mum became very unwell and at her wits end involved social care. He went to live in a residential home for a very brief period of time while assessments were carried out on the suitability of other family members offering to care for him. He went to live with his father and never came back home. It was life changing for us all, but ultimately a positive one for me personally as I was experiencing some very unpleasant scenes as a result of his behaviour and I was only little at the time. I felt unsafe at home until he left. Maybe your girls are feeling the same - I hope not - but thinking about their perspective too might just give you the push to call social care. It sounds so hard on you all - I wish you the best.

Your Ds is his own worst ememy right now. One day he will have much more insight into his inner turmoil, and why he feels so terribly unhappy to the point of feeling suicidal.
The fact that you offer your Ds a safe and loving home will be his saving grace.

You will get through this tough time, and your Ds will still be the young boy he used to be, underneath the foolish arrogant know all he is choosing to be.

Mostly your Ds needs time, time to continue to make very stupid mistakes, while he is young and feels he knows all, and time to move on from his mostakes, with love and support from family.

For now, keep doing what you are doing, above all else keep calm.

Continue doing something kind every day for yourself, your girls and for Ds.

Tell Ds that you believe in him, and belive that he CAN achieve his personal dream goals, however you feel that it will really help him to achieve his personal goals if he...., ( insert relevant routine/ course)

Could you son stay with his grandparents to give you all a break? If not, I wouldn't hesitate in referring to ss. You have a duty of care to your younger children. His current situation isnt working and its not likely he will change, be brave and force the changes upon him. Be very clear that you love him but the situation in untenable.

I would not ever get into any struggle with removing phone or xbox with Ds.

Isadore, much of your post came from fairyland and the bits which weren't are just plain nasty.
It seems that you have no experience of a teen like the OP's. If you did I doubt that you'd be piling guilt and blame upon an already wits-end, distressed and frightened mother.

OP, my heart goes out to you. It really does. Unfortunately, other than calling ss I have no advice. It sounds hellish. I appreciate ppl are trying to make helpful suggestions for op but saying take his playstation away, take everything but his bed and clothes etc just isn't going to be an option. If it was, op would have taken those steps long ago. He's an abusive 15 year old who is potentially bigger and stronger than his mum and I can imagine the scene if mum tried to remove his console.

@Borderterrierpuppy I pushed for an autism screening but the Councillor said she believed he absolutely hasn't got autism as he gives her eye contact (facepalm) I suspected he did have it as he was not very verbal until 3 years old and threw huge fits of anger unlike what I've seen from.my other 2 children. He can't stand certain sounds and noises he says he feels triggered by them. The way he speaks is quite articulate and just a bit "posh" as people describe to me. (We are all quite strong Yorkshire accent here)
His education welfare officer who has been a godsend with support for us has said he definitely thinks there is something there but he can't quite put.his finger on it..
He isn't socialable so no interest in rugby,football and hates everyone at school who plays it. When he was younger and did play with other children I always had someone telling me he had hit or hurt someone.. at birthday partys he would try arrange a line for the bouncy castle and get angry when other children wouldn't comply and he would intentionally hurt them then play victim.
He would rather sit and try beat his time on a rubiks cube, origami, ukulele, he uses the washing pole as a staff and does ninja moves with it.
Nothing wrong in all of these things but I'm.just trying to paint a picture. He refuses to do any work educationally.

I've been to GP who also said he can tell he doesn't have it.

@Yodasdog thankyou for your message I worry so much they will take my girls or send them to their dads. All of this will be huge ammo for the ex husbands family. They will say its proof that im a nightmare to live with... that's what I imagine anyway..

Bbq1 I have two teenage boys and have been through most of what the OP describes (and some worse). I am sharing my advice on the basis of my own experience. You can disagree of course, but it's definitely do-able - I've done it :)

Everything @sadpapercourtesan said.

You need to be much stronger here and stop living in fear. Your son thinks far too highly of himself to take his own life.
You need to show him where the boundaries are.
Take the PS4 away, phone away.
Send him to his room to clean it, get a shower and brush his teeth.
Prepare yourself for him not to comply. Put the bloody games console in the bin. Tell him next it will be his phone.
If he doesn’t value his clothes , leave him three T-shirt’s, trousers , pants and socks.
He sounds spoilt rotten and you are giving into his demands. Yes you e praised him and shown unwavering love. Love doesn’t stop just because you’re setting boundaries.

Sometimes teenagers are idiots they have huge amounts of hormones all over the place and really struggle to control their emotions. It is not necessarily because you and his dad have split up or he feels left out because he has 2 younger siblings etc. But obviously his behaviour is not ok at all.

The lockdown situation has obviously made your life a lot harder. I personally wouldn't have removed him from school as I think we need that structure. I would say that you are putting him back into school when this lockdown is over so he can get good GCSE's.
I do think you are being quite soft on him but a lot of people the hard way won't work anyway.
I would try and treat him like an adult and explain that if he wants to move out he needs to start learning how to do things around the house. Is there anything broken like a swing set or washing machine that he can try and fix?
I think painting the fence is a fantastic idea as once he has done it he will feel like he has achieved something and that does wonders for us.
I would be careful not to compare him to your daughters out loud and maybe say positive things about him that you couldn't say about your daughters - it's lovely to have a strong young man around the house to help paint the fence, your sisters would end up painting the cat.

I am a big fan of the PS4 myself but it is unhealthy to be on it all the time. My DD's personality changes completely when she is on it too long so I have had to say she can't go on it before 5pm once she has done her work and exercise etc.

I feel so sorry for you OP and remember the social services are there to help, please don't feel you've failed or that you're a bad parent for asking for help.

I am living like this with a teenager. Difference being she does have diagnosed behaviour conditions and all the agencies are involved.

The worst thing I could do is remove the phone/WiFi. I treat her as if she has PDA and put no demands on her at all at the moment (advised by Camhs to do that) and it’s the only thing that allows me to survive another day in one piece.

Do you know any adult men who can step in and talk to him? The bigger and burlier, the better.

I'm very frightened for your safety, OP. He sounds like he's capable of snapping and lashing out physically.

As pp said
"during lockdown you should damage limit by actually relaxing all your rules, just for your sanity. Allow everything and say nothing. Leave his room as it is and leave him to his electronics"

You got to survive this lockdown
Do what you need to.
Save battles for later

I also wouldn't throw out his phone/PS4 completely.
I think this is very harsh and he is a teenager not a robot, even the well-behaved ones won't be complete angels.
It is also important that he maintains social skills with his friends, people who he can have a chat too and vent if he needs to.
It also gives you something to keep the power over him and use it as something you can take away or reward him with.

Let him be a grotty creature if he wants to for now. No point in driving yourself mad while you can’t get away from him for a bit.

But do not tip toe around him. If he wants to sleep all day he’ll need to sleep through your music/singing/hoovering. Does everyone have a washing basket each? Or ask the girls to put their washing at the machine (yes it looks messy but he can’t hide a full load there as easily). And learn the rubber ear, my mum should teach lessons in it, “that’s nice” “mmhm” was all I heard during the bratty years. Make sure he can’t harm himself, assuming he’s no major history he’s unlikely to actually do something over a missing wifi connection..

Teenage hormones are worse than pregnancy hormones.. combine with an oversized toddler tantrum and that’s just a nightmare. I swear I’ll save for boarding school if mine act remotely like me

To give yourself peace during lockdown let him on par.

He will start looking after his hygiene when he gets interested in girls/boys

Give yourself a break and enjoy time with your girls when he sees use having fun and they get pocket money for helping you he might join in.

*par should be ps4

In my LA there is a service to support families like yours, cannyou see what's available for your area? I agree, it does sound like the parent child relationship has broken down rather than a mental health issue, which is why CAMHS won't get involved any further. He's completely trying to rule you, and I'm afraid you're letting him subconsciously by giving in to his demands. For example, when he puts his clean clothes in the laundry, you should just return it to his bedroom. If it smells, that's his problem.
You need to start from scratch. He needs to know that yes, you are in charge as the parent and he needs to follow your rules. My guess is that you only remove things when he behaves badly, and that escalates into a row. You need to sit him down when he's relatively calm, and explain that things are going to change, he isn't going to continue behaving the way he is and that as his mum, you love him but will not accept his demands.