I'm trapped in lockdown with a manipulative teenager

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He will be 15 in November. i cant even begin to describe or explain everything but long story short he refused to go to school, referred to CAMHS who say he has no mental illness and its all behavioural. They said they see clear child to parent abuse. I feel trapped, miserable, lost, embarrassed, just generally hate him so much and I hate myself for it.

I'm trying to get control of the situation and stand my ground as a parent but he accuses me of then being controlling.
I have changed the wifi password and said I will give it back once I start seeing some changes in how he treats me and respects me.
He says he won't respect me until I respect him.
I literally do everything for him.
I reward good behaviour and tell him how lovely the day has been when he has been pleasant.
This is usually when he wants something and so will be all sweet until he gets it and then its back to square one again.
I have redecorated his bedroom to the quality of basically every teenage boys dream.
Its now covered in food and stained carpets. There are dried bogies on the walls that he has wiped on there. He sleeps in his clothes that he wears the day before and he will stand and lecture me on how it isnt disgusting. He doesn't ever ever brush his teeth and his breath is putrid. He claims its not his teeth its a problem with his stomach and its proven by science that actually bad breath... etc etc etc
He refuses to wash his hands and pretends he has done them. He literally pees all over the toilet seat which I believe is on purpose. We had a wooden one that I had to replace because it warped at the back. He says its not him it's his sisters which is impossible for a girl to achieve. He stays on his ps4 all night and is currently sleeping all day . If I take away his electronics he will accuse me of secluding him from contact with his friends. He will then throw a rage and threaten to kill himself. He says the only way he will calm down is if I give him back his things. Then he goes upstairs and laughs with his friends on the headset.
He has sat in my bedroom in the dark for 2 hours before waiting for me to go to sleep so he can get his things back which I sometimes have to hide with me under my covers.
I've just told him not to put 20 buckets of hot water in the pool because I cant afford the gas to warm the taps or electric for the kettle. So he went outside and told his sisters he is sorry but mummy is being unfair and doesn't want us all to have fun.
He told his sister not to make me a coffee because she needs to join his rebellion to get the wifi back which his sisters aren't actually bothered about the wifi. I have put a pile of clothes on his bed to put away and I always find them in the wash basket mixed in to the bottom so I don't notice. He knows il have to wash them because his sister is incontinent and often there maybe wet pants or soiled sheets ready to be washed so I can't just pick them out and put them back in his room as they might smell.

I divorced from the girls dad 3 years ago so there is no male figure in his life. He's biological dad began to see him but doesn't live near and has a poorly daughter and his partner has a very bad heart condition. Both her and the child are on 12 weeks quarantine . Their home before this has to be completely free of germs and clean. He works and his partner works from home. They are genuinely lovely people but their personal and financial situation is in turmoil and so its very difficult to have him over to stay regular although they genuinely want him to stay its just not possible right now as any other time.

I just feel absolutely and completely exhausted. I don't know who can help right now.

I hate to say this but I get to the point that I just want the police or someone to take him away, put him in foster care or a place where he learns respect and to behave properly. I really don't like him right now and hate myself for it.

After writing earlier I went.downstairs and everywhere I stepped on the carpets were soaked from the pool. Grass everywhere and 2 washing baskets of clothes tipped over that were stood ready to go upstairs to be put away. Followed by him walking past me and purposely walking into me shoulder to shoulder.

I just broke into tears and went to sit on the bench in the front garden and facetimed my sister. My neighbour past me.over a coffee which tasted like heaven and a cig. Ive not smoked.in a year but it was heaven..i didn't even care about corona germs being on the mug at this point. When I came back in my eldest dd who is 9 had completely tidied up the living room and binned all the easter egg packaging which was strewn all over. He was in the backgarden smashing up the box for the pool and throwing stuff around the garden. He knows I've just collected 4 bags of rubbish and mowed the lawn for the pool blowing up too. I've just had another lecture from him about how he isn't going to respect me until i respect him and how I have caused all this.
I need a drink

Autism can take other forms e.g. oppositional defiant disorder (ODD) or pathological demand avoidance (PDA). These children can be very charming to others but behave differently, at home. Read about them both. If you think you recognise these behaviours, this site might help you distinguish which one you’re dealing with:www.stephstwogirls.co.uk/2016/05/the-difference-between-pda-and-odd.html
It’s very superficial to write off the possibility of autism because
eye contact was given.
Contact social services as an emergency. Really focus on the dangers to you and your daughters in your description of what is going on.

I agree with contacting SS. You and your daughters are suffering horrible emotional abuse here - if he was someones 18 year old boyfriend everyone would be shouting LTB. Not that I feel you should ‘leave’ your child but you definitely don’t need to stand for this kind of abuse from someone who is almost an adult. It sounds intimidating and quite frankly terrifying. You need him out of your house. He needs to understand this is serious. You all need a break.

You have a few similarities to my eldest son there
My dc Both have autism
,some of what your son is doing ,is similar to mine .bar the friends bit as my my dc don’t have any friends,where you say yours went upstairs to chat on the headset to them
Just saying it might be worth considering,
I’m probably barking up the wrong tree,
apologies if I’ve caused offence ,just thought I’d mention the similarities

I had an ex who used to threaten suicide every time I tried to leave. It worked really well for him for months, and then one day i snapped, and put my foot down. I left, he told me he was going to kill himself... and i called 999 and told them he was threatening suicide and I needed help as i didn't know how to stop him. Ambulance came out, took him to hospital for a psycj evaluation. He never tried that one again. Call him bluff OP. Get him a psychiatric appointment next time.

I think springintosummertime has got it right. Disengage, imagine he is a tenant not your son. Don’t back him into a corner, give him options and explain what will happen with each choice. For example, ‘you can either put your clean clothes away in your room properly or I will stop doing your washing, your choice’ and absolutely stick to it. He has to know you mean it. When schools reopen get him back in, home schooling is not appropriate for him at the moment.

I haven't rtft but your situation sounds very much like mine was with my DS (now nearly 17). He was very manipulative and threatening towards me (and in fact spent two years living FT with his Dad because of his behaviour towards his DB and I).
I acutally think that for your own sanity you should withdraw the rules for now. Just get through the lockdown however you need to. Yes, it will feel like you have failed, but this is destroying you and perhaps you need to just step back.

But what I really came on here to say is that two years on and my DS is a little sweetie! He has worked through whatever he needed to and has really matured. You are in a really, really tough situation right now, but it WILL get better. x

I would ignore everything he does. Let him whine about the WiFi password, take away his PS4, put them where he won't find them, leave his room filthy, don't cook food for him and don't wash his clothes.
Let him call you controlling, so what, don't give in to his emotional blackmail. Put a lock on your bedroom door.

I see others have said the same, but on reading your opening post I thought techniques for dealing with autism / PDA may be useful.
The Special needs area of mumsnet may be more useful. You won't get glib responses there.
Best of luck.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs_teens_and_young_adults

Hes asking you to respect him and you vice versa which isn't unreasonable on both sides. What exactly does he want you to do? In a calmer moment can you chat, like adults (not parent to child) and agree exactly what you want from each other. Agree to start out with 1 small thing each and build up from there.

uhoh202020 speaks with wisdom
Ds will respond far more reasonably if he feels that he is being heard.

None of this is your fault but he will not be able to understand this for now.

Start with one small thing each you want from each other as uhoh2020 says.

Understandable that you feel at a loss with Ds, as he has reduced emotional self control , which is horrible to be on recieving end of, and reduced insight into how he is hurting others, causing frustration on both sides
Likely that Ds will mature, much more slowly, yes, but does not mean that he will not get there in the end. In time you will be proud of him as he slowly grows up and through this shitty awful stage.

Maintaining calm is first priority
Discussing one thing each reasoning with him now his behaviour has reached an all time low, you feel justified in anger esspiralled into escalated you treat Ds with

Ah sorry ignore last paragraph!

My autistic brother was like this from 13 onwards. I don’t know how much of it is autism and how much is entitled arsehole. Mum was a pushover (or at least inconsistent) but to be fair to her, it was relentless to live with and I don’t think people understand how it grinds you down. We had a lot of advice from relatives about being stern and getting him a job in tescos but they lost interest very quickly when they actually had to deal with his behaviour themselves!

There was definitely an element of fear and frustration in him that he couldn’t get on with people and he didn’t know where he was going but he really took it out on mum viciously.

I would guess you can tell when trouble is brewing. Try to de-escalate early as much as possible.

We found talking about girlfriends and moving out and learning to drive etc helped. He was much better, surprisingly, when he was working (I think even anti social people and rule followers get something from work as it’s so different from school).

Positive attention - maybe when possible having a few conversations about next steps, how to pay bills etc. Asking what he thinks respect looks like.

Detaching. Not giving any reaction. Being sneery and scoffing worked a bit ‘Oh really? I’m not respecting someone that threw a tanty in the garden. How VERY grown up you are’.

But I’d definitely try social services. Or anyone that could do respite. If he’s been in quarantine two weeks could he go to his dads?

I feel for you..
He might just be going though the stage that some teenagers go through.. I would not personally “kick” my own child out as such unless it’s something really really really bad however I’d sort somewhere else out for him to live and still check up on him (can’t at the moment with this quarantine) and consider getting social services involved. Sorry to hear you are going through an awful time. What’s school like for him? Social life? Maybe that has something to do with it.

Poor you. Unfortunately there is very little support out there. Well meaning posters and friends make suggestions, but they are useless. I know not what the answer is.
Only that you know that this is not for much longer?

I think in your positiion I would live without the wifi as this is the one thing you control. Give him a last chance to talk, tell him you love him, and will he sort himself out. Then cut the plug off the wifi router (probably reparable) or smash it up.
If he gets violent call the police. If he threatens suicide call the GP and /or police or social work.
I hope you are letting the girls see how much he upsets you and not putting on a brave face, they and he need to see how much this upsets you. Otherwise it is you telling him to brush his teeth and him getting cross. No - it is him being uncontrollably angry and deliberately cruel. Letting this go on is doing him no favours imv.
If he is sorted soon he can recoup the time at school. If it goes on you will have a waster at your door for years/life.

Op, I cant offer any advice, but this sounds awful. There was a thread on here, maybe last summer when it escalated to violence and the op ended up calling police and the boy was removed to supported accommodation. She then attempted a gradual return to contact. I cant remember the thread name, but maybe another poster will.

Google PDA x

If he does have PDA the worst thing you can do is remove his devices or the WiFi, especially during this period of lockdown (teenage dd with same.)

Thankyou so much for all of your replies I feel so overwhelmed with your words and support. I don't often post on here as I usually just try search for someone in a similar situation but yesterday I didn't know where to turn.

I cant reply to each individually but want to say every post means so much and i feel alot stronger and informed.
I'm going to screenshot the thread to keep having a look at. I'm going to look into those two types of autism mentioned too. I will contact our local early help hub for support and ask school to step in too.
I cant remember if I mentioned but when I took him out of school the local authority got in touch as per protocol and they were lovely. She said because we are in lockdown do I want to keep him on the enrollment until September and then rethink the decision to homeschool then. That means he can still access the Google classroom that they have set up for students instead of me just homeschooling. So that means he is still technically under their wing and they told me they would 110% support us until we are no longer part of the school. So I may decide to send him back even though he will refuse to go. The EWO is a very lovely and supportive man who has been such a big help. I think he can see I struggle with him. He's told my ds if he doesn't go to school it won't be me that gets in trouble because I have gone to the ends of the earth to get him into school. It will in fact be ds who has to stand in front of a judge and tell him why he isn't going to school.

Yesterday he again kept asking for the wifi.
At one point I stood up in the living room and just said "you know what DS, I want you to stop right there and I want you to listen very very carefully to what I'm going to say to you. I love you more than you can actually begin to imagine, I won't ever stop loving you. Do u understand? I'm no longer going to put up with this. You are treating me and this house like shit. I'm sorry but this isn't acceptable. There are changes coming and with them there are rules. Rule 1 is that I am the parent, you are the child/teenager. You will treat me accordingly.
Rule 2 is you will respect me and this household and do what I ask of you when I ask you to do it. So If I tell you all electronics are in the box in my bedroom at a certain time then they will be. Set an alarm on your phone half an hour beforehand so you know to finish off any games with your friends or not to start new ones. Rule 3. If you don't respect me and what I ask of you then you will have privileges removed. You are absolutely not entitled to anything such as WiFi, games consoles, phone. Go upstairs and get washed and change into your pyjamas and i don't want to hear a word from you once I sit back down on that sofa"

He went upstairs and at 10pm last night all electronics were in my box.
This morning at 7.15 he came in my bedroom and asked for them back. I asked if his bedroom was clean he said yes. I asked if he had a shower and teeth brushed he said no.
So I said no..
It took some moping and words under his breath but eventually he did what was asked of him.
The first time he gives me any shit I will take the wifi again and this is how I will tread water for now and keep instilling my strength and control.

Last night I was watching a wildlife programme with dd5 and dd9 . He came downstairs and made a comment about an animal screaming on the programme saying "mum, that's you shouting at me" then we all laughed.
It was a small breakthrough for the little asshole.

I'm so tired..this is so tough. Its worse because we are on lockdown. Thankyou to you all though I cant tell you how much your words and advice and support have helped.

You are an amazing mum!

That's great op, I read your thread on the early hours but your update is really positive. Stay firm, still seek help from school/ social services if you need to but hopefully your ground rules will do the job.

That’s a really encouraging update! xx