I'm trapped in lockdown with a manipulative teenager

[Dumbledorker]

He will be 15 in November. i cant even begin to describe or explain everything but long story short he refused to go to school, referred to CAMHS who say he has no mental illness and its all behavioural. They said they see clear child to parent abuse. I feel trapped, miserable, lost, embarrassed, just generally hate him so much and I hate myself for it.

I'm trying to get control of the situation and stand my ground as a parent but he accuses me of then being controlling.
I have changed the wifi password and said I will give it back once I start seeing some changes in how he treats me and respects me.
He says he won't respect me until I respect him.
I literally do everything for him.
I reward good behaviour and tell him how lovely the day has been when he has been pleasant.
This is usually when he wants something and so will be all sweet until he gets it and then its back to square one again.
I have redecorated his bedroom to the quality of basically every teenage boys dream.
Its now covered in food and stained carpets. There are dried bogies on the walls that he has wiped on there. He sleeps in his clothes that he wears the day before and he will stand and lecture me on how it isnt disgusting. He doesn't ever ever brush his teeth and his breath is putrid. He claims its not his teeth its a problem with his stomach and its proven by science that actually bad breath... etc etc etc
He refuses to wash his hands and pretends he has done them. He literally pees all over the toilet seat which I believe is on purpose. We had a wooden one that I had to replace because it warped at the back. He says its not him it's his sisters which is impossible for a girl to achieve. He stays on his ps4 all night and is currently sleeping all day . If I take away his electronics he will accuse me of secluding him from contact with his friends. He will then throw a rage and threaten to kill himself. He says the only way he will calm down is if I give him back his things. Then he goes upstairs and laughs with his friends on the headset.
He has sat in my bedroom in the dark for 2 hours before waiting for me to go to sleep so he can get his things back which I sometimes have to hide with me under my covers.
I've just told him not to put 20 buckets of hot water in the pool because I cant afford the gas to warm the taps or electric for the kettle. So he went outside and told his sisters he is sorry but mummy is being unfair and doesn't want us all to have fun.
He told his sister not to make me a coffee because she needs to join his rebellion to get the wifi back which his sisters aren't actually bothered about the wifi. I have put a pile of clothes on his bed to put away and I always find them in the wash basket mixed in to the bottom so I don't notice. He knows il have to wash them because his sister is incontinent and often there maybe wet pants or soiled sheets ready to be washed so I can't just pick them out and put them back in his room as they might smell.

I divorced from the girls dad 3 years ago so there is no male figure in his life. He's biological dad began to see him but doesn't live near and has a poorly daughter and his partner has a very bad heart condition. Both her and the child are on 12 weeks quarantine . Their home before this has to be completely free of germs and clean. He works and his partner works from home. They are genuinely lovely people but their personal and financial situation is in turmoil and so its very difficult to have him over to stay regular although they genuinely want him to stay its just not possible right now as any other time.

I just feel absolutely and completely exhausted. I don't know who can help right now.

I hate to say this but I get to the point that I just want the police or someone to take him away, put him in foster care or a place where he learns respect and to behave properly. I really don't like him right now and hate myself for it.

Fantastic update OP!!

I was going to add that he needs to be able to earn his things back. If they are gone Indefinately then he will kick off as he has nothing left to lose.

The expectations of his behaviour need to be clear as well. Just like you’ve done with the timer for his electronics and showering. That’s perfect. Treating you with respect is too wooly and unclear for anyone. Really spell out exactly what you expect.

Good luck!!! You are on your way it looks like

@Dumbledorker great update so proud of you, you got this

That’s brilliant well done! Maybe try to do something nice with him today (even just watching a programme he likes or showing him something funny on the internet) to try and build up that nice side - while keeping the rules in place. Maybe he’s happy to have very definite “asks” and when to do them at some level

Oh wow OP what an update! I don't imagine it will be all pain sailing, but at least you now have a clue. He needs to know where the boundaries are, he responds when the the rules are plainly laid out and enforced. Sounds like you've both learnt something hugely important, and I'm beyond impressed that you held your nerve and stayed strong in the face of such misbehaviour. Huge hug to you.

Don’t have any words of wisdom but you have so many already on this thread.
Just wanted to say well done. Xx

Oh that's a fantastic update, well done op, you got tough and it seems he realises that he's pushed you way, way too far and treated you like shit for way, way to long. Well done.

He sounds a lot like my eldest to he honest. You have my sympathy. It's broken me. I now hate being a parent, it's broken my heart parenting him. Id just let him be disgusting, leave him to it and bide your time during lockdown to be honest.

My sons dad has never shown an interest in him really and I think I've been the target of his anger. I'd never done anything to warrant his hatrid, he'd had a lovely, calm, kind upbringing. I worked my arse off his whole life and he just took and rinsed me for whatever he could. He'd tell anyone who would listen that I didn't feed him, didn't care about him. He school refused, college refused, work refused. He manipulated a teacher from his old school to take him under her wing, she posted all over local Facebook groups about how awful I was, that I'd neglected him, so people would donate stuff to him. He moved out and sofa surfed for a year until he ran out of sympathetic sofas, came back for a year, then met a girl who's as lazy as he is. They now live the exact same lifestyle at her mums house. The day he moved out I wanted to throw a party.

He's now 22 and this year was the first year he's ever bought me a mother's day present. He travelled all the way here with a bunch of flowers. I cried.

I was a teenager just like this.....they normally turn out OK...follow some advice on here ......stay strong.

You are doing brilliantly.

Get support from SS and for a diagnosis.

But my god, you handled that well. All power to your arm OP.

Blimey OP well done!

I'm in awe of you.

So pleased to read your update OP! I'm cheering for you!

I'd bet a large sum of money on him being autistic, and I have been working on a diagnostic team for 15 years.

OP don't hold his successes against him. Many autistic people have difficulty with executive functioning - planning and organising. With great effort he may manage this sometimes but at other times he may need more help than others. For example, when he gave you his electronics overnight and tidied his room but didn't shower or clean his teeth - hopefully you were very complimentary at how he'd successfully managed 80 percent of the task independently and now just had two small extra bits to do to earn his games. My autistic DS loathes washing - it's a sensory thing - and we do allow him to wash every second day and use disposable chewable toothbrushes instead of a brush and paste. Despite that he has no cavities so there's no need to force the issue. A lot of managing these sorts of kids (autistic or not, tbh) is finding a middle ground where both of you feel heard and a compromise position is established (eg "I hate cleaning my teeth, it physically hurts" "we insist that your teeth are cleaned, try these chewable brushes" "ok I can cope with those").

Fantastic that you’ve asserted yourself and sought some help. I do wonder if there’s PDA or ODD going on. Can I recommend The Explosive Child by Ross Greene? It’ll help you understand his behaviours better and devise strategies to manage the situation.

Camhs no little about autism, the first professional my dd saw there was adamant she didn’t have asd. Wrote on every letter parents say dd has asd they are wrong etc. Was diagnosed a year later. Counsellor refused to see our dd again.

*know
Also op think of your ds as 14 as he is, not “nearly 15” 7 months is a long time in maturity of a teen.

Just wanted to say well done for asserting yourself to him and letting him know his behaviour is unacceptable. Hoping this continues to work out for you. Well done you!

Op your set up sounds similar to mine as I have a son age 14 diagnosed with autism and adhd and two younger daughters. I'm also a single parent. We have had CAMHS involvement too for self harming.
My son can be challenging but I have found firm boundaries and lots of praise, making him feel good about himself and noticing the small positive things he does really helps.

I agree that maybe your son is autistic. My son struggles with personal care too unless he's reminded regularly. He's also obsessed with the internet and playing games. I've got limits on when he can use his electrical toys but he can access audible to listen to stories anytime as he struggles to sleep at times.

Anxiety seems to go along with autism and some of the behaviours your son is showing seem to indicate he could be anxious but showing it by aggression. My son does this too. I have to hug him when he's like that and try to get to the root of the problem as he doesn't always know but feels angry. Usually he then cries and we start to talk about it and he calms down.

Your update sounds really positive and you should be proud of yourself. Remember to look after yourself as with all these struggles you need to be as healthy as possible mentally and physically.

great update OP, keep going x

wow OP well done! So pleased for you

Yess!! I am so happy to hear your update OP!!! You are amazing!!!

I'm so glad for you op stay strong and he will thank you later on in life for loving him enough to put boundaries up, but please try and push through for the referrals before he turns 16 because after that it's even harder my mum is still trying to get my brother assessed and he 30 now.

Fantastic news, well done you!
You are an amazing Mum, never stop believing that! He is a cheeky bastard and wearing you down but your love and courage will always win through the dark times

Your Ds will never ever admit it but he will be so very relieved that you never gave up on him .......despite his cheeky bastardness behaviour!

I wonder if it has given him a glimmer of hope that his fantastic teacher has said that he is welcome to return to school for homeschooling.

It does not matter what his school results are, it gives him purpose and he will be able to think about planning for his future professional trade or position.

So happy for you!

Oh my goodness thankyou so much I am in tears!

Today so far has been OK.. hes played on the trampoline with his sisters and at one point my youngest got hurt. He put his arms around her and told my dd9 to run inside for "sleepy bear" her big floppy Teddy that makes things better. Now all 3 are sat playing Minecraft in his bedroom.
This is what I mean about him being polite and kind and people usually see this side to him. That why I worry I won't be believed. Its very rare inside the home. I am proud of him and do love him but 99% of my time is spent wondering if all our lives would be better with him elsewhere for a while but if there is autism involved which I always believed there is then surely I would have better tailored strategies to deal with him and help.him cope.
He returned a girls purse he found the other month and made sure it was kept safe and all the money stayed inside and she rewarded him with £10 out of it for honesty. He took of his Rollerblades and walked in the rain in socks holding a poorly pigeon about 2 mile to a vets to make sure it wouldn't suffer. He sang "this is me" from the greatest showman in front of the whole school on his own and played ukulele at a music festival.he will stand up to bullies if he sees someone being picked on.

This is how he is. This is why its so so hard to watch him spiralling into this horrible, vile person at home. I feel like he's disappeared then suddenly been replaced by a different person. Days like today I can't imagine he.will be nasty again. But he will be . I will hug him today and tell him how nice today has been maybe offer him an extra half hour of ps4 . I'm glad for these days though because it reminds me I wouldn't ever want him in care it would break my heart. I feel so guilty for ever wishing someone would take him. This happens every time until the next time.he snaps again..

Ahhh don't feel guilty,you are only human.

Yes, Ds will have dark days again, where he resorts to lashing out, due to poor insight , poor decision making, and struggling with his emotions.

Yes you will become cross with him again, and yes, he may think that you are a nag again or that it is all your fault again at times.....
But....he will remember....,,, When he was really behaving very poorly, and he was struggling with his emotions and inner turmoil, making very bad decisions.... you still never gave up.

Your resolve may weaken at times ( whose wouldn't under the circumstances) but he will find it harder now to underestimate you- your love and courage is stronger than any bastard behaviour he may summon up to try to get his silly way.

Sorry you're all feeling stressed out OP. Your son sounds angry. I think you need to write a list of the things you like about him and be generous in this list. Then write a list of things (only high priority ones) of things you want him to do differently. You then write a list of things he likes to do which are privileges (PS4, internet, alone time, junk food). Out in writing what the consequences are for each good thing and each bad thing. You need to take away his privileges initially but not in anger. Try to have a discussion with him calmly and approach it not in anger but I'm understanding and compassion. His life seems easy because he can seemingly do what he wants and treat authority like crap. However he is approaching adulthood and if he carries on like this he is going to have a very sad life. He threatens to hurt himself because it achieves what he wants. Keep the house as safe as possible so he has limited access to things that might hurt him but you can only reduce risk, not eliminate it. Sending him out into the world with your current strained relationship and his age/lack of life skills will mean a fail for both of you in life. Deep down you love him because biologically it is what parents do. Your relationship needs a reset. When you change things he will rebel but don't be fearful of him age 15. Be fearful of a life beyond his childhood if you keep giving into your fear of change. Although teenagers need privacy you may need to send a clear message that life is changing from discussion/written contract by doing things like taking his door away. May be impractical but it would accompany taking away everything that he depends on to get his way. He needs a wake-up call and then lots of compassion and understanding and later small rewards regularly for respectful behaviour (eg one hour of calm time without any bad language equals one hour of internet). Practice emotional detachment for the first week, consistent responses to good and bad behaviour. I have a background in child development and nursing and I've read quite a bit on children's mental health. I do not expect it to be easy as it's taken 15 years to get to where you are, your son has a lot of tenacity and anger, and you re only human. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Please don't let your son stay on this self destructive path without a fight. He is a child and needs you more than he or you know.