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Original poster

To address the lack of party invite

89 replies

justshutthedoor · 03/03/2020 22:28

I realise this comes up a lot but dd is in y1 and lately she has been left out when party invites have been given out. She had a party two
Months ago and I invited the whole class and any siblings. I do my best to chat to mums on the yard etc but I'm not 'friends' with them unless you count Facebook. She's come home again upset tonight saying all the girls have been invited to a party but the girl who's party it is said 'sorry you can't come'. I really think the school shouldn't be allowing invites to be given out on school time if some are excluded. I'm tempted to broach it with the mother but not quite sure what to say. Has anyone navigated a convo like this? If so what did you say?

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OhCaptain · 03/03/2020 22:31

My kids are older now and if I could give you a piece of advice it would be don’t ever do this about parties!

I know it’s hurtful to think your child is left out but honestly you just can’t ask someone why your child isn’t invited to a party!

Chances are it’s not all the other girls, anyway.

Best thing to do is downplay it to your did and maybe let her invite a friend over to distract her.

It hurts though Flowers

pallisers · 03/03/2020 22:34

I agree that school shouldn't allow invitations to be given out in class.

But don't say anything to the mother. You really can't fix this by talking to people. It could be coincidence it could be anything. Just tell your dd that not everyone goes to every party. I doubt that all of the girls are being invited to every party but her.

If you are worried about it, ask to chat to the teacher about the social interactions in the class and how your dd is doing. But don't talk to the mother.

Original poster
justshutthedoor · 03/03/2020 22:35

@OhCaptain you're probably right. It's just so hard. She was crying tonight and my instinct is to try and sort it. She's only 6 ☹️

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RoscoePColtrane · 03/03/2020 22:35

This is one of the shit bits of parenting. The school will not stop giving out invitations, that is unrealistic. The party giver is entitled to not invite certain people. Do not have the conversation, you need to support your child in developing resilience to cope with such situations. As a parent, it hurts, but this is life.

Notlong20 · 03/03/2020 22:36

Have you got any idea why she is being excluded? I would ask the school if they are aware of any friendship issues first that they/you could help with (play dates etc).

pallisers · 03/03/2020 22:37

Our school did stop the invitations being given out in school. There was a blanket ban on invitations unless everyone in the class was getting one. Parents had to give them out outside of school (it helped that we had a class list with addresses/phone numbers/emails which I know is regarded with horror on MN)

Feel for you OP. It is hard.

OhCaptain · 03/03/2020 22:41

She was crying tonight and my instinct is to try and sort it.

It’s gut-wrenching when our children are upset and we can’t help. But this will happen again and again in her life. All you can really do is try to teach her not to care.

I agree with a PP. If you’re worried maybe as teacher how she’s doing socially.

And as I said, have a couple of play days.

It really is highly likely that it’s not every other girl going!

Thisismytimetoshine · 03/03/2020 22:45

Same as pallisers, the school absolutely can and probably will stop the invitations being given out at school. Talk to them.

Nobody gets invited to every party but it’s shit for a 6 year old to have their nose rubbed in it like that.

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justshutthedoor · 03/03/2020 22:57

I did actually ask the teacher after the first two times she came home saying invites had been given out and she hadn't had one. The teacher said she was doing fine and no issues with friendships. I think it's really wrong the school are facilitating upset first thing in the morning when they're allowing these invites to be given out. I totally get that it's expensive to invite the whole class but It just seems so upsetting for small children

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OhCaptain · 04/03/2020 11:02

In my kids' school you weren't allowed give out invitations which was fair enough I think.

It didn't stop parents standing at the gate to give them out so slightly counterproductive maybe!

Also as the kids got older there was a lot of stealth inviting happening.

Is it possible that there's just been a spate of parties that aren't hosted by her core group of friends yet?

crimsonlake · 04/03/2020 16:49

Please do not broach this with the parent...really what is there to gain?
Even if you made the parent feel guilty would you really want a sympathy invite.
It is so hard when this happens and you feel their hurt. Do not show it though, make light of it and plan something nice you can do with your daughter on the day of the party.

Pipandmum · 04/03/2020 17:07

Our school stopped giving out invites for this very reason. Talk to them about it, not the teacher, the head.

Figgygal · 04/03/2020 17:09

Don’t address it with the parent if there is a problem they will love the drama and if there isn’t you’ll get a reputation as “that mum”

Its bloody horrible we are now past the point of all class parties so remain oblivious to most birthday parties that DS isn’t included in which is a lot easier

Roselilly36 · 04/03/2020 17:12

DS used to get so upset over this, and would often say, mum can you ask their mum if I can go, I had to say no. No real advice but I can empathise completely, seeing your child upset and disappointed is horrible.

forrestgreen · 04/03/2020 17:23

Have another word with the teacher and say something is obviously going on.
And I ask whether it's policy to give out invites if it involves leaving a child out.

Could you possibly be trying too hard, is it odd to do whole class plus siblings around here.

Do you have other children round after school?

Original poster
justshutthedoor · 04/03/2020 17:29

Thanks for all the responses. I will take the advice and not broach it. I think I will speak to the head though as I think this is not acceptable practice in schools

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Chocolatecake12 · 04/03/2020 17:29

Your poor dd. I bet not all the girls are going but to her it probably seems as though they are.
Just encourage lots of after school play and tea times. Hopefully she’ll get invited back and her friendship group will grow from there.
And yes as pp suggested talk to the school about the invite policy!

Original poster
justshutthedoor · 04/03/2020 17:31

@forrestgreen I didn't do whole class and siblings on the invites. There was just a few parents that said they would have to bring their other children and I said I was happy to feed and include them iyswim

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Clymene · 04/03/2020 17:35

Oh for little ones this is so hard. I think they should slip them into book bags.

FWIW it's very poor to leave out one child. But if I were you I would slap a bright smile on, tell your daughter that some children can't invite everyone to their party and do something super fun with her that day. Painting pottery or going to the great pool with slides that's a bit further away or something. So she will be looking forward to that rather than mourning the party

Original poster
justshutthedoor · 04/03/2020 17:37

It was a church hall party so it made no difference to me to put a few extra party plates and bags out for siblings. Is that trying too hard??

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Heygirlheyboy · 04/03/2020 17:41

The best route you can take for your dd is to treat it lightly enough and explain not everyone can invite everyone and there'll be a time when she'll have to choose. Acknowledge her upset of course, it is hard especially if recurring.

GreenTulips · 04/03/2020 18:06

Oh for little ones this is so hard. I think they should slip them into book bags

Who’s they?

The teacher who trying to teach 30 kids literacy and maths?

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justshutthedoor · 04/03/2020 18:25

@GreenTulips I wouldn't expect teachers to do this. I think if kids come in with invites for everyone it's fine to let them give out but if children are being left out that's going to have a negative effect on the day and the learning

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forrestgreen · 04/03/2020 18:34

But I'd pop to see the teacher to talk about friendships.
Do you do friends round for tea and is she invited to those

Clymene · 04/03/2020 18:42

Well that's what happened when my kids were in infant school @GreenTulips. Someone put them in book bags, the same way they do letters home.

I can't imagine it cut into crucial maths and English skills by that much. Well my children have done quite well academically despite their early education being so cruelly stunted

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