To address the lack of party invite

[justshutthedoor]

I realise this comes up a lot but dd is in y1 and lately she has been left out when party invites have been given out. She had a party two
Months ago and I invited the whole class and any siblings. I do my best to chat to mums on the yard etc but I'm not 'friends' with them unless you count Facebook. She's come home again upset tonight saying all the girls have been invited to a party but the girl who's party it is said 'sorry you can't come'. I really think the school shouldn't be allowing invites to be given out on school time if some are excluded. I'm tempted to broach it with the mother but not quite sure what to say. Has anyone navigated a convo like this? If so what did you say?

The teachers won’t put them in book bags (nor should they). They absolutely should respond positively to banning distribution on school premises.

@forrestgreen I have already done that and teacher said she was fine. We haven't done after school play. Never been asked and not sure my dd would go round to people's houses alone tbh

Is she very shy? She might be flying under the radar a bit.

I think you should encourage some play days. Get her socialising a bit.

@OhCaptain she's not shy at all. I think it's more we don't know people very well and it's a small community. The mums all seem to be friends and so play dates according to that. I'm not overly keen on her going to peoples houses alone. I have gone to all the school events and all the parties she's been invited to in the past

Ok but if you're not keen on her going to friend's houses how will she develop close friendships?

I'm not getting at you! Just wondering.

She's 6. I just always thought people do that when they're older or with people they know really well

Oh okay, you need to start play dates. Have you ever invited any other children over?

Why don’t you know people all that well if it’s such a small community? If you’re nervous about your dd going to other houses, just invite her friends to yours. Maybe ask if the mum wants to accompany the child and have a cup of tea with you?

Just checking - is there a class list? Did your daughter start late or has she been missed off it? Has she got an unusual name that parents are unsure of writing on an invitation?

Could you arrange a playdate with one of the popular mums to kick start invitations?

By 6yrs old going to tea is pretty common (and some brave souls will soon be on sleepovers).
If your daughter isn't comfortable going to theirs then invite to yours.

I found at this age parents engineer the friendships. Then at junior age there's often a shift in friendships as children get more independent and make their own friendship choices.

Honestly, I don’t think it’s something that just magically starts happening they’re older. Though at 6 the parents definitely engineer them more.

And if you want her included you’re going to have to do it, I think!

I think in Y1 if all the other mums are friends that might be a reason why she's not being invited. Not deliberately I'm sure, but if there are 10 spaces at the party (say) then your daughter will always be below "children of mum's friends" in the list. The good news is that probably by next year, and certainly by Year 3, the children will be dictating who they invite themselves and will not care whether their mums are friends or not.

Have you invited children for play dates? Generally (though not always) this will generate an invite back. Though I think you have to let your child go on their own - staying at a play date is fine in nursery and perhaps Reception, but unusual when you are more than half way through Year 1. Parents who invite your child will not necessarily want to entertain a parent at the same time apart from anything else. To be blunt, if a parent had insisted on coming to a Year 1 play date, I'd probably not invite their child again.

I had a party for my DS in year 2 and invited the whole class - or thought I had. It wasn’t until afterwards I realised I’d missed one child out - had relied on my DS and other parents I’d seen to work out who was in the class. Felt absolutely terrible. DS didn’t realise the mistake until the week after and told me and I didn’t know how to put it right. Still feel bad about it now and it was years ago. OP it could have been any number of reasons why she didn’t get asked, but still hurtful 💐 - may be just treat your DD to a lovely time when the party is on.

I find party's are sometimes more about what parents the hosts mums are friendly with so it's probably not personal to ur daughter. Still heart breaking tho. Treat ur daughter and a friend one day

Out of interest OP, did you give the invites to the school to distribute?

You do realise that the other kids probably aren't having whole class parties? My child had a party for 8 friends in year R and this year she is having 6 friends.

Whole class parties seem to stop after year R I have found.

I think I will speak to the head though as I think this is not acceptable practice in schools

Oh for goodness sake, what an over reaction. Schools can’t stop parents or children giving out party invites in the playground. Just explain to your child they haven’t been invited and won’t get invited to every party. I’m actually shocked you think taking up an HT’s time with such a trivial matter is appropriate.

They can, IWish. They really can.

Agree with pp - if she doesn't go on play dates and others do, that may be the reason.

They can, IWish. They really can.

Then parents can stand outside the gates and give the invites out. This is a complete over reaction from the OP. It’s absolutely ridiculous to try and stop party invites being given out just so one child doesn’t get upset. I’d bet the OP gave her invites out in the playground and now wants it stopped because her child is upset.

Perhaps the parents can’t afford to host a party for loads of kids. Throughout the whole of primary my dts went to about 2 parties. Nobody had them as no-one had the space or the money.

That's heartbreaking OP but I wouldn't address it with the mum. You said you'd spoken to the teacher about friendships, did you mention the invite giving out process? As I do think it's unfair them being handed out so other children see. My DS is only in nursery class and it's mainly whole class parties but there have been the odd one which isn't everyone (but still quite a lot of children which I don't think is ideal personally!) and looking back I was subtlety handed the invitations for these parties by the teachers. When it's a whole class party the kids all come out waving them so the teachers are clearly mindful of it, and that's for 3-4 year olds, in year 1 they should be more so.

Big hugs for your DD, take her on a lovely day out instead.

Invites at our school are just given in at the office/to the teacher and they put them in book bags. I'm really surprised that any parent trusts their child to actually get all the invites handed out without losing or dropping them

You need to start play dates at yours. They started in reception with my children.

We had play dates from Ante pre school age, so the kids would have been 3.

My kids have gone to people I knew really well to ones I knew just from nursery.

Thankfully now they all just have a select few they want to invite round but sometimes over the past few years I felt I had half a school here as when one child got a friend over they all felt the need for a friend!