To address the lack of party invite

[justshutthedoor]

I realise this comes up a lot but dd is in y1 and lately she has been left out when party invites have been given out. She had a party two
Months ago and I invited the whole class and any siblings. I do my best to chat to mums on the yard etc but I'm not 'friends' with them unless you count Facebook. She's come home again upset tonight saying all the girls have been invited to a party but the girl who's party it is said 'sorry you can't come'. I really think the school shouldn't be allowing invites to be given out on school time if some are excluded. I'm tempted to broach it with the mother but not quite sure what to say. Has anyone navigated a convo like this? If so what did you say?

I don't think it's a case of being missed off by mistake. I'm in the WhatsApp group. I am not suggesting that everyone has a whole class party. Of Course not everyone can afford that. I did ask the teacher about the invite giving out process and she lets them give them out during snack time apparently but she doesn't give them out herself. She did say that she's been in the school 17 years and she said this sort of party inviting when some are left out doesn't normally happen until they're older. It just doesn't seem like a very inclusive thing to be doing in school time if there isn't one for each child. When I had the church hall party I sent invites in but I double checked I had everyone and every child got invited. I will look into the play date thing. We don't live very local to the school so it's a bit awkward.
Thanks for all the advice.

I think it's more we don't know people very well and it's a small community. The mums all seem to be friends and so play dates according to that. I'm not overly keen on her going to peoples houses alone

You know what the problem is, and it isn’t school related!

Look at what you can do to improve her social skills/social life - and do that

We don't live very local to the school so it's a bit awkward.

Unless you live so far away that no parent is going to want to drive out to your house to pick their DC up (which seems rather unlikely as otherwise she wouldn't be going to this school), it really isn't.

Ask your DD who she'd like to invite over. Then speak to their parent in the playground/put a note in their bookbag saying "DD would like to come over to play one day - when would be a good time for you?" Pick a mutually convenient day, agree when child will be picked up from your house, check if friend has any allergies/things you need to be aware of, swap phone numbers and addresses. Done.

I do agree with you that handing out invitations actually in school time is pretty poor. I'd raise this again with the teacher.

If you're not local then you must drive? So offer to drop them back home.

It just doesn't seem like a very inclusive thing to be doing in school time if there isn't one for each child.

I understand you're upset OP but surely banning the children whose parents can't afford big parties from handing out their invitations, when anyone who's having a big party is allowed to, isn't very inclusive either?

Handing out invitations is exciting for kids. How are the school supposed to police who can and can't hand them out?

At 6 your daughter is old enough to understand that she can't be invited to everything all the time.

Oh dear. It’s horrible to see your child upset and sad to think they may be being excluded or left out. You can’t protect them from that though. It’s an inevitable part of childhood.
The giving out of invites wouldn’t really upset you if it didn’t upset your daughter though. You really shouldn’t just wade in on this. Invites go out at school because that’s where people see each other. If it wasn’t in class then it would be on the playground or in the line in the mornings. Complaining is entirely pointless.
Tell your daughter that it’s normal that not everyone goes to every party and that you’re sure she will get an invite to one soon. Try to do some things to foster good friendships for her (play dates, park together after school, weekend play meet ups etc) if you can and try to help her.
Try to see the bigger picture here.

Honestly, op, you need to start doing play dates. The ones that don’t fall further and further out of the loop.

@GiveHerHellFromUs it's fine for small parties to happen but if there's only 4 not given invites it's not ok imo. It's not ok to invite the majority of the class and leave a few out. If parents want to do this they shouldn't be doing it in school time. I wouldn't do it for all the world. What good reason could any parent have for inviting all but 4 children?

4 children or 4 of the girls?

My son is excluded all the time. He has SEN. I expect this to be a recurring theme throughout his life so we are working on his self-esteem, confidence and resilience.

He is a great friend to those that deserve his time.

What good reason could any parent have for inviting all but 4 children?

A limit of 20 for the party? A falling out at school? The children's parents not being friends with you?

In my area there are 30 to a class. I don't know how many children there are in a class where you're from.

As I asked before, how are the school expected to police it? "Oh hi little Jonny, how many invites do you have there? Oh you're leaving 3 people out? Nope, can't hand them out then." It's not the schools problem.

@GiveHerHellFromUs None of those are reasons to send your child in with an invite for every child in the class bar 4. You have a handful of kids or all. Anything else is just not right.

@justshutthedoor you haven’t said whether it was the entire class excluding four children, or just the girls?

@OhCaptain we've had one where the whole class was invited bar 6 then we had another were all the girls were invited bar 4. There's 29 I'm the class

Right so this one is not the whole class except four then?

I’m trying to give you some perspective here.

If there are 29 in the class it’s possible that are are what, 14 girls? So if the party is limited to 10 then that’ll be why. (For example)

But why do you get to dictate who should and shouldn't be allowed to give out invitations?
If it's all the girls bar 4, it's not all the girls bar DD.

If the class is a 50/50 split, there will be 14 or 15 girls. 10 is standard basic numbers for a party so the birthday girl will have picked her 10 best friends.
If all the girls were invited but none of the boys were, would you be ok with invitations being given out in class then?

You didn't have a problem when you were hosting. You only have a problem now DD isn't invited.

@GiveHerHellFromUs why do you get to tell me I'm wrong to think children shouldn't be upset in school and school shouldn't facilitate it. Clearly If some schools have stopped invites being given out as is quite apparent upthread then there's a valid issue. I didn't have a problem Because I didn't exclude any 5 year olds. I invited all the children.

@justshutthedoor I'm not telling you you're wrong to believe that because you're not. I'm questioning your opinions because I think your judgement is clouded.

My point is either all invites need to stop being given out in school or none do.

You can't police who does and doesn't give out invitations dependent on who's invited.

You didn't answer my question on whether you'd have been upset if all the girls were invited but none of the boys were. Because you wouldn't.

You're upset because your daughter is upset. You don't actually have a problem with invitations being handed out at school.

I don't think there's anything wrong in inviting all but 4 of the girls or boys in a class to a party, especially if it's a play centre or activity type party. Each child will cost a lot of money. Children need to learn resilience and self esteem and as parents we need to help them understand that it's not a personal insult but just that not everyone can be invited.

Probably not ok to invite all but 4 of the class to a church hall type party though, that does seem mean. Then I'd expect to invite everyone.

I'm not really sure why there's so much outrage on here that parents/kids rights to distribute selective party invites for an out of school activity within classrooms/school time might be limited. Where I live it is standard practice among the inclusive, child-centred local schools (i.e. those schools that have given the implications of it more than a passing thought) not to allow invitations to be issued in school unless there is an invite for everyone in the class. Of course people want to have smaller numbers at parties in accordance with what they can afford or if their child prefers smaller groups etc but invites are texted to parents directly and are just not distributed at school. It really isn't rocket science!

I don't understand how people don't see how being presented with evidence over and over again that you are not popular enough to be invited to lots of parties and other kids are isn't hard for small children?

Why should schools allow themselves to be availed of to facilitate kids out of school social life if they know that it may be harmful to even one student - and of course it applies to far more. Whose needs are the school catering for in these circumstances?

Sorry OP, but it’s absolutely none of your beeswax who other children invite to their parties.
Yes, it’s sad that your daughter didn’t, but tough luck basically.
Teach your DD that life doesn’t revolve around her and that she won’t always get to go everywhere other children do.
Maybe this birthday girl doesn’t like your DD.
Also, school is right in their invitation policy.

@dubmumof2 well said

Shitty post, Clangus

@justshutthedoor I think you’re hurt and that’s understandable to an extent but you’re in danger of making this a much, much bigger deal than it is.

You don’t live locally.
You don’t engage with the mums.
You don’t do play days.

And out of a class of 29, 9 children were invited.

There are steps you can take now to improve your dd’s socialising with her classmates. That’s a positive and proactive step.

Obsessing about the unfairness is invitations and leaving out children is all negativity and won’t actually help your dd.

Why not have one of the other little ones who’s not invited over on the day of the party?

@OhCaptain I do hear you and I have done a few play dates at parks, the zoo etc. I will try and step it up a bit.