To address the lack of party invite

[justshutthedoor]

I realise this comes up a lot but dd is in y1 and lately she has been left out when party invites have been given out. She had a party two
Months ago and I invited the whole class and any siblings. I do my best to chat to mums on the yard etc but I'm not 'friends' with them unless you count Facebook. She's come home again upset tonight saying all the girls have been invited to a party but the girl who's party it is said 'sorry you can't come'. I really think the school shouldn't be allowing invites to be given out on school time if some are excluded. I'm tempted to broach it with the mother but not quite sure what to say. Has anyone navigated a convo like this? If so what did you say?

I think having them come over to your dd’s house nurtures better relationships, to be honest.

I’ve learned that over the years with my dc.

Good luck with it.

I do think some people are being harsh OP. My son is in nursery class (so before deception but at the same school) and I'm really chatty to any mums/parents who are around when I see them, but a lot are already friends from their older children or are from the same community growing up so have lifelong friends, with children of similar ages. I'm not, so as much as I'm friendly, I'm not "friends" with any of the mums. And now that I'm back in work after second maternity leave, I only do drop off and pick up one day a week anyway so it's very limited. I've never done play dates (DS been there since September) as from what the teachers tell me he only has made one proper friend. And I do feel that just turned 4 is a bit young to be having play dates without parents present.

Well, to can tell on this thread who doesn't give a fuck about little kids feelings can't you?

OP plenty schools don't allow invitations to be given out at school. Every school should do it and if parents want to leave kids out they can do it in their own time off the school premises. I would speak to the head.

How do know these exact figures? If it's from your dd it's probably not 100% accurate. It probably feels like it to her though. I've been there with my youngest and it's very upsetting. With limited numbers it's parent friendships that will make up the bulk of the children invited even if those children are not 'besties' in school. Don't approach the mother, you'll regret it I think.

Reception obviously not deception!

Posted too soon. Basically, the school environment can be cliquey, not even unintentionally so, but when mums already have an established friendship group, it's hard to be the newcomer.

I've been teaching for 21 years, the last 13 in reception. I'm now in year 1.

I've always been given invitations to put in book bags, and my school has no issue with this. With a class of 30 it would take about 5 mins to pop them in book bags. My personal rule has always been to do that job at break or lunch so the kids don't see them going in bags.

We do have circle times about things like not being invited to parties, or not being able to go to clubs etc, and I've had to stop many reception children writing lists of children who can and can't come to their parties when they have fallen out! (When it's not even close to their birthdays/ parties, it's just a way of exerting some control).

Now I'm in year one I haven't been asked to hand out any invitations. I think it only happens in reception cos the children are new to school and the parents don't know each other well enough to make contact out of school.

We are sensitive to the children's feelings and that's why we do the circle times linked to feeling left out etc, but also to make sure they know that sometimes they can't take part in something and that's ok - fair vs equal etc.

I don't think the handing out of the invites is the main issue, it's how your daughter is feeling about being left out. There are some lovely children's books about emotions and feelings, and it's fine to say to your daughter that it isn't fair but sometimes things aren't fair. I would do as other PPs have said and plan something else for her to do on that day instead.

You need to start play dates OP. It's normal in reception to start play dates and most parents don't stay. I think your DD is missing out on fostering friendships.

You need to invite other kids back to your home OP. And that does sometimes mean a slightly excruciating hour drinking coffee with another parent. But if you and your daughter want in, then that's the price you have to pay.

If you want her to be included socially, you have to interact socially. It's really only for a few years. Next year it will totally be drop and run.

Don’t know how I’d get invites out if school banned them. Work, can’t do drop off or pick up, school serves a number of villages so don’t know where everyone lives. It’d be a nightmare.

It’s sad to see your child unhappy but really it’s just building experience for life. My kids don’t get invited to some parties and they know that’s life.

Definitely start the play dates without the other parent staying.

I don't think banning invitations would solve the issues anyway... children still talk! Your daughter would still know there was a party she wasn't invited to! Out of interest how did you distribute invitations for your daughtetrs last party?

I can see why your daughter is upset though and that just be awful for you. But rather than hassling the school about invitations policy, as you've had it confirmed that there don't appear to be any social problems, I think focusing on more playdates would be an excellent way forward.

Apologies, have reported!

My youngest is in reception and hasn't been invited to any parties. So we are just having a day out for his birthday. My oldest is very quiet and now in year 4 I can count the invites he's had to parties on one hand.