How to cope when you just can't

[Theyweretheworstoftimes]

Hi, this is my first post but I have lurked here forever, cancel the cheque, Mexican house thief, millions of parking threads.

I have a toddler and I can't cope. It sounds so simple.

I had a horrible pregnancy and I wanted a termination at 8 weeks but my husband didn't support this. I had HG and spent 5 weeks in hospital with my eyes closed unable to move. I had an emcs after it was discovered the baby was breech at 40 weeks.

I have struggled and struggled, I went back to work full time as soon as physically possible to escape the hell that I am in.

I can't cope at all, I dread the baby waking in the morning, I dread coming home, I dread the weekend. My husband just tells me to get help but deep down I blame him for the situation we are in.

I don't even know what help I might need or where to get it. I don't trust the NHS after the pregnancy and delivery so don't know where or how to seek any support.

Please bear in mind it's taken me two years to put this into writing.........

I am a shadow of my former self

Oh I’m sorry you’re suffering so much. I can relate to many parts of what you’ve said. I so looked forward to having a baby, and her first year was literally the worst year of my life. It was such a shock how difficult and unpleasant it was, how much suffering was involved. I remember meeting a mum of older children who talked about being ‘traumatised’ by her first child’s early years, and it was so helpful in allowing me to express how bad it was - til then I just pretended it was great to most people, as that’s what they all seemed to feel.

I think some help sounds like a good idea, probably in the form of getting breaks and time to yourself to start with. But I’m wondering- what does your DH do to help? What family support do you have? My DH really picked up his game when I went back to work and he experienced what I had been dealing with, his empathy increased and he helped me more.

Ps I feel like a shadow of myself too, two kids in, but it’s gotten better.

My husband just despises me. We have very seperate lives now due to this. He looks after the toddler as clearly I can't I do all of the housework and other stuff. This is not the life I wanted.

Is your DH doing at the very least his share of parenting?

You need to go to the GP, it sounds like you have experienced trauma and/or PND starting in pregnancy. Being pregnant on its own is a huge change to your body and life and the fact your DH didn't support you is so sad and hard to forgive.

How has having a child changed his life?

Short term have you friends and family you can go and visit on your own to get away and have a break and me just "you" for a few days?

Xposts. OMG I would say leave how can you stay when he despises you?

Focus on getting yourself better

Your H can be primary parent please feel no guilt by leaving on your own.

Has he told you he feels like that? Are you questioning the relationship? Perhaps the unhappy relationship is one of the main stresses. It is normal for the relationship to take a hit in the first year or to, but sadly some don’t recover, or issues that were already there are exposed too painfully to come back from.

OP. It sounds like you have really bad PND. You must must seek help. Please go to your GP & ask for some help.

The NHS are fantastic on the whole. Sometimes babies flip to being breech very last minute & it would have been impossible to ‘diagnose’ before hand. Was your section quite traumatic? Where you not well looked after post surgery?

That aside, there are many different branches of the NHS. A bad experience in one doesn’t mean a bad one elsewhere. You desperately need to seek some support, it’s not normal to feel so resentful & so little love for your baby Its not your fault, PND is real & can be extremely traumatic. But help is out there.

Alternatively, look into private care if you can afford it?

Can you be a bit more specific? It sounds like unresolved PND or that you simply did not want to be a mother.
Before we slate the DH he is obviously doing his bit as a parent since he is the primary parent even if he’s failing as a spouse.
Having a toddler is hard work but he won’t be one forever just like the baby days passed by. Your DH is right that you should get all the help you can if you can afford it.
Can you see a future for yourself where your son is 5/6/14/15 etc? Or is motherhood just not for you? Because it’s easy to say ‘just leave’ but there will be ramifications for the child (as there are if a father leaves so I am not being sexist) and it is not a path to be considered lightly.

He doesn't say he despises me but I can see it in his face. We barely speak at all. He loves being a parent so we are at odds with each other feeling towards the child. When I approached my Gp when the baby was young they called in social services and I was hounded out of my home. I cannot approach the NHS for assistance as I fear this happening again. I don't have any friends and I am so lonely. I just keep as busy as possible and pretend it's all ok.

I just feel so horrifically guilty clearly I am just a huge failure.

My husband does what he can at home and with the toddler but he can't help me with this particular issue. He tried his best at home and with the toddler and he does a better job than me. He just doesn't know how to solve this particular issue.

@hulobeeral what sort of specifics do you need? Thank you for your reply.

Hyperemesis is awful I spent 3 months housebound and mostly in bed. I also had a c section. It is a shock when you expect an exciting time to be so debilitating.
Make another appointment but with a health visitor instead - they may be more helpful and have some contacts. Maybe they can recommend some private counselling for possible PTSD/PND. If not take your DH with you to see a different GP to ensure they don't fob you off. If they're not taking you seriously make a complaint to PALS.
Can you get some day to day help such as a cleaner just to free up some of your time at home. If you're not getting on with DH and resenting both him and your baby (at the moment) it may give you a few hours of spare time for you. I found that getting out for walks or seeing family/friends really good when I felt low. Having children is hard and relentless but the baby/toddler stage doesn't last long. On tricky days I try to imagine them as adults and that it'll be worth it in the end even though I'm wishing away time

I mean what part of parenting do you find hard? Or all of it? Because a dependent baby grows into a toddler who is a little more interesting into a school going child with personality and interests.
So the drudgery of the newborn days passes (often to be replaced by other challenges). Is it that you just despise motherhood? (No judgement if you do).
I personally detest the baby stage- dull, repetitive and mind numbing. I now have a 3 and 8 year old and I have most of my old life back (albeit in a different way)- they sleep, we can travel, the 8 year old has interesting conversations. But at the same time I too detested the newborn stage to the point where with DS1 I had to seek help for PND (DS2 spent many months in hospital after birth so that was another story). I guess where I am going is that personally and professionally yes life took a curve but we are now gently going back to some ‘normality’ which feels less relentless. Having said that I wanted children and despite a pregnancy where I spent nearly 10 weeks on a hospital bed, followed by a c section, I hated early motherhood but not being a mother per se if that makes sense.
I guess I am asking two things:

1. Is it logistics? Is it housework plus career plus sleep deprivation and toddler? If you hired a cleaner and your toddler slept 12 hours every night would your life improve.
2. Or is it more deep seated than that? Is this just not the life you imagined at all?

The answers and solutions are slightly different in that case.

Other things to think of, what did life pre kids look like? How much of that can you reclaim?
DH and I try to go out once a month, we try to cook together, and we drag the children to go travelling but make accommodations for them. Similarly, DS1 and I share an interest so we go away for a few days at a time for it.
Did you have a friend circle before kids that’s disappeared? This is not uncommon.

I don't feel any emotional connection towards the child. I never have. Everyone else has an overwhelming adoration and thinks it's the best thing ever. They love to play and feed and do all those things. I have no bond or emotional connection. I know I am letting the child down hugely.

The baby sleeps well so no issues there. I don't really know what the issue is. Our lives are similar to before, we still travel and work and do all the pre baby things. I guess I don't know what help I need or how to access it. I want to feel differently but don't know how to after feeling this way for this long. It seems so deep seated that I am just in a spiral of despair.

I would urge you to then seek professional help. You may still choose to walk away at the end of it but I would seek professional help.
I can, if I am allowed to say this, see where your DH is coming from a little. If I was the principal carer and my spouse had zero emotional attachment to our child or interest in him I would grow resentful over time.
What activities do you enjoy with your child? None? I am not one for playing or crafts but I can read with both my children for ages. Maybe you have to start small and build it up. See it as a friendship you have to cultivate. I don’t feel constant overwhelming adoration for my children, there are many things I find tedious (many many many) but overall I enjoy their company the older they get and introducing them to my ‘world’. But if you can imagine a present and a future that is childless and still fulfilling then I don’t think simply reading to your child or playing with him is the solutiontin because I don’t think if I am honest, MN can help you, and it sounds like you need professional help.

I am also interested in the fact that you refer to your two year old as a ‘baby’ more than once. Maybe that doesn’t mean anything but they are not a baby are they? And I am wondering if the utter exhaustion and relentlessness of the early days hasn’t lifted even though you have a mobile and I presume communicative (even if limited) toddler and you are still stuck emotionally in that space. My just turned 3 year old can dress himself with a little help, is toilet trained, can play by himself a bit, can feed himself. He can tell me when he’s hungry, he told me his ear was hurting and it turns out he had an ear infection, he can also sometimes (not always) communicate that he needs a rest so we are not in the guessing game of ‘what is wrong with you’ all the time. So he’s very far from being a baby and it feels v far from having one if you see what I mean. In fact by 3 they are less toddler and more ‘preschooler’.

I am curious if it’s just a turn of phrase for you. or if there is something more deep seated about this.

I think it sounds like quite severe PND and possibly PTSD. You absolutely deserve help and support to not feel like this. You are not a bad person. Please believe this.

Do you think youd cope better as a weekend parent. Maybe move out and see your child at weekends or every other weekend.
You obviously cant just abandon it as whether your husband didnt support a termination or not, you still chose to have the baby and therefore have a duty towards it.
Your relationship is clearly over, but you can move out. It would be less damaging to the child amd to you to do this I think

I read to my child, more books than you can imagine on repeat, please don't think I am a monster. I try so so hard. I read to my child I try to play duplo, hide and seek, swimming, walks, but I am in despair as I feel no attachment. I sit here sobbing and wanting it to change hence my post.

You need a referral from your GP for therapy. Sadly there may only be CBT available where you live. Most GPs or even large workplaces offer 6 weeks of counselling. That alone would be a start in talking about how you are feeling and what you may need to overcome where you are at the moment.

I feel so sad for all three of you, it sounds like things feel so dark and lonely. There are therapies that you can do yourself, or with your child, that help build attachment, however I agree with others that this is also a medical issue and you need to speak to GP or HV. Social services could be key to getting the services you need, although I appreciate it is scary. What do you mean they hounded you out of your home?

I dont think youre a monster. I think you have unprocessed trauma.
Its not your fault, but its also not your childs fault.
If it was a man feeling this, he would leave.
I think if you had less time parenting you might be able to build up a bond easier which is important. You need to try not to blame the kid for the fact that you felt coerced and forced into parenthood. Unless you are going to say there were threats or violence here, then you could have terminated but you chose not to for whatever reason.
Not everyone bonds with their child in a fantasy immediate way. Many people have to work at parenting. Something made you lie back and continue with the pregnancy despite enormous physical and mental toll. Something is keeping you in a home with a husband who hates you and vice versa and a child you still dont want.
Are you a passive victim of everything everyone else wants you to do? You are allowed to make decisions too. Please dont be a martyr.
If you really feel theres no love there then change things.
What do you want your life to look like?