How to cope when you just can't

[Theyweretheworstoftimes]

Hi, this is my first post but I have lurked here forever, cancel the cheque, Mexican house thief, millions of parking threads.

I have a toddler and I can't cope. It sounds so simple.

I had a horrible pregnancy and I wanted a termination at 8 weeks but my husband didn't support this. I had HG and spent 5 weeks in hospital with my eyes closed unable to move. I had an emcs after it was discovered the baby was breech at 40 weeks.

I have struggled and struggled, I went back to work full time as soon as physically possible to escape the hell that I am in.

I can't cope at all, I dread the baby waking in the morning, I dread coming home, I dread the weekend. My husband just tells me to get help but deep down I blame him for the situation we are in.

I don't even know what help I might need or where to get it. I don't trust the NHS after the pregnancy and delivery so don't know where or how to seek any support.

Please bear in mind it's taken me two years to put this into writing.........

I am a shadow of my former self

Do you both work or are you or dad a SAHP?

Social services and a crisis team were sent to the house when my child was very young. They would turn up day after day even though we assured them we were fine and at this point were fine. It escalated to a point that we couldn't cope with so we left the home and went abroad. We complained via PALs and it was confirmed by that they were completely over zealous in the approach and it was unnessacary and not helpful. I do want things to change that's why I haven't left. It's all been such a nightmare.

We both work. We have a wonderful childminder who is a great support and extremely helpful. It's all my fault and I just feel so guilty.

It is not your fault OP. i was trying to see if you were stuck at home with the child all day.

No mental health issues diagnosed during or after pregnancy at the point these teams were sent.

Not stuck at home all day, great job that I like I am well paid for and I have good flexibility. It's not my child or husbands fault and I do want it to change. I want to feel less overwhelmed and less stressed and be a better wife and mother. I have sobbed to my husband for an hour today that we need to get this sorted and he agrees

I sympathise OP. I hated motherhood when they were younger. I wasn't maternal. Even though I knew I loved my DC I didn't feel it if that makes sense.it has gotten better, they're 8 and 7 now and I feel I can breathe again. I know you dont trust the NHS, but maybe have a chat with your HV or GP and see what they say? If not can you reach out to a friend or relative for support and to just talk. Much love OP 💐

Thank you all for your kindness

I would think that the MH assessments were superficial and not looking at trauma etc if you are functioning "well enough" as a parent and managing to work they usually don't even consider that your emotional torment/feelings/disassociation from life matter.

Do you work somewhere that has a health and wellbeing service?

I wasn’t saying you don’t do enough. I was trying to work out what brings you enjoyment and which you can then share with your child. So I like reading myself so I read to my kids a lot. I can tolerate art and craft for a bit. Messy play, oh no. Pretend play, at a stretch. I think what I was getting at was that for the bond to feel more natural maybe do things YOU like and get your child to share them with you than simply doing things we are expected to do as mothers/parents.

Hi op. I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so low. I had horrific pnd with all 3 of my dc and much of what you're saying resonates with me. Do you have a history of depression at all? Your ability to dissociate with the situation at hand sounds like an unconscious coping mechanism which for me was key for survival during that period but obviously not a healthy one . Through intensive CBT (private) and anti depressants i was able to see that and understand it and in most cases these days i can just about get by. Not always though, it's always still there as my "go to" which i have to work on constantly, including right now funnily enough. Is there a chance for you to see a private therapist?

I could see a therapist, I am scared that they will lock me up and throw away the key. Depression in my 20's now mid thirties, the GP is not good at follow up appointments and even tracking any medications, so reluctant to have them as likely no follow up. I try to read as much as possible to my child as I find I am able to do that and we have a selection of books from trips and outings that I do enjoy reading. I feel like I am falling and I am just waiting to hit the floor.

No one thinks you’re a monster. My two younger children have Sen and the younger of the two has very complex needs and it is very hard to feel a connection. Short term would a break away alone help? I’d also in the longer term seek therapy. Giving birth is a life altering change and if you’ve suffered with depression and then pregnancy which can affect your hormones it’s bound to take its toll. Could you see a different GP?

Please stop being so hard on yourself the hormonal changes of pregnancy often trigger depression coming back as does becoming a parent.

How was your childhood and your relationship with your parents?

I am where you are.

I understand what you're going through.

I am seeing someone who specialises in post natal PTSD. It's helping.

Read up online about birth trauma, read peoples stories, it might help.

Feel free to private message me

No one thinks you're a monster but you do need some help. If your husband is understanding, can he go with you to a GP appointment and help advocate for you?

Go to a different gp

I am going to be very honest here. I felt exactly like this with my first child (now a lovely 17 year old). I had a really traumatic birth (induced labour, 67 hours long- yep not a typo), horrendous relationship with my own mother which made things even more difficult and I felt like I wanted to give the baby back and never see it again- I feel very odd writing that because I can’t associate those feelings with the teenage dd I have now. I was in a very, very dark place. To the point I actually considered suicide. I just didn’t see how things were ever going to get better.

I would sit her down on the play mat with some toys and watch her from behind feeling nothing at all and no idea of how to interact etc. It didn’t come naturally to me at all.

I went back to work full time when she was 3 months old and I just faked it to make it really until she was about 3. And then - it sounds weird but something just sort of shifted, I think she was becoming more of an actual “person” and wanting to interact with me more in a way I could understand and it just became easier. You’re right in the thick of this right now.

I also left her dad when she was 6 months old. Like your partner he was very unsupportive and judgy about how I felt (despite not actually helping me much which I feel is different to your situation though) and I just felt I needed to be on my own. So I did. And that gave me the freedom to find myself a bit more as dd spent time with her dad and his mum and dad without me every other weekend and I had a weekend to myself again.

I think looking back I had terrible pnd and ptsd from the birth. I was out on a dose of citalopram that they don’t even prescribe anymore (60mg).

One thing that was very odd for me is that I had another child 7 years ago (despite saying I would never do that) and the whole experience was completely different. I chose to have an elective c section, great experience, bonded straight away, chose to be a stay at home mum and everything was such a different experience.

My dd and I have a wonderful relationship, she doesn’t remember or know about any of the “dark” stuff from when she was younger. We are very close and it’s all worked out okay.

Please get some support and some help but don’t feel you’re destined to feel this way forever, you’re really not. You can still control and change this.

I can see your going through a hard time but can I ask you this .. with no emotional connection to that little boy/girl do you love you child? It just seems that you don't due to calling him/her " the child" or " the toddler" not " our child or my child"

In hospital I asked for a termination and the doctors just said speak to your husband. As I got sicker and sicker time passed and then it was too late for anything to happen. I begged for the child to be adopted and again the answer was no you will cope.
I have never had any attachment to the pregnancy. I was far too ill. I did nothing to prepare, I was to ill too do anything at all.

My relationship with my parents is fine, no issues there.
I feel nothing for the toddler, no love, no attachment, no emotion.
I feel like I am raising a child that has nothing to do with me what so ever.

My heart goes out to you - I think you need to seek help urgently for this. This is no life for you.

@Theyweretheworstoftimes as a mother of 3 children seeing someone say they don't love there child isn't nice as that's how I felt as a child , the first time you felt this you should of seemed help ASAP not left it for that child too feel that you don't love him/her , I'm just been straight forward here if you don't love your child that should be a red flag that you should of seeked help

@bluebell121 it's not as simple as you make out. I have been hounded out of my home once by asking for help. I hope you never know what it is like to feel terrified to stay in your own home and have to flee to another country to feel safe. That should not happen to anyone let alone a vulnerable new mother. I don't know where to go to get help. I don't trust my GP, in fact if I need Gp services I will go to a urgent care clinic rather than make an appointment. I am simply scared with no where to turn for support or advice. I want to fix the issue hence my post. I am afraid your judgement that it's an easy thing to ask for help and support it's not. Also help and support hasn't been forth coming previously