How to cope when you just can't

[Theyweretheworstoftimes]

Hi, this is my first post but I have lurked here forever, cancel the cheque, Mexican house thief, millions of parking threads.

I have a toddler and I can't cope. It sounds so simple.

I had a horrible pregnancy and I wanted a termination at 8 weeks but my husband didn't support this. I had HG and spent 5 weeks in hospital with my eyes closed unable to move. I had an emcs after it was discovered the baby was breech at 40 weeks.

I have struggled and struggled, I went back to work full time as soon as physically possible to escape the hell that I am in.

I can't cope at all, I dread the baby waking in the morning, I dread coming home, I dread the weekend. My husband just tells me to get help but deep down I blame him for the situation we are in.

I don't even know what help I might need or where to get it. I don't trust the NHS after the pregnancy and delivery so don't know where or how to seek any support.

Please bear in mind it's taken me two years to put this into writing.........

I am a shadow of my former self

Can you afford private psychotherapy?

I have asked if your workplace offer any sort of Employee Assistance Programme? There is also a government funded organisation called Able Futures that supports people working and living with mental health difficulties.

This disassociation with your child is a MH issue. What you do is seek MH treatment for it. I would change doctors surgery to have a new GP and ask which one is their specialist in MH. I would look at paying for psychotherapy privately, I would see what my employer offers in terms of counselling.

If you want things to change then the first port of call would be a GP visit(you can change GP surgery is necessary) or perhaps your health visitor? Or if you are able you could seek a private therapist.

I don’t think you are a monster but I think if you really want things to change then you have to do one of the above which of course may be difficult.

I think self-referral to a psychiatrist specialising in perinatal mental health is the way forward. Where in the country are you?

I am in the south midlands but work in London

@Theyweretheworstoftimes I understand but if that was me o would seek every help I could Cos not loving your own child isn't something that's considered a everyday life situation?

@bluebell121 I hope that you are never ever in a situation like this. You appear to think that getting the right help is a case of clicking fingers and I can assure you it is not. It is a complex situation that will clearly need extensive therapy and support to resolve. As other posters have written they have been in this situation themselves so therefore this is something that could happen to anyone.

I have mental health too, but I think of it as if you want help like you say you do which one would you rather - ( get child taken from you due to not loving the child or been a mother to a child) OR ( keep going how you are for the child to resent you when older due to relising how much you don't love them or want them? ) I had that as a kid and it emotionally and physically messed me right up!

I don't want that to happen hence my post and efforts to resolve this issue. At the moment as the child in question is under two I am hopeful I can seek a resolution to this before they are able to make and form any memories at all.

You have PND. I felt this way about my DD too, exactly this way. I also hated the crisis team coming every day and Social Services refusing to let me be alone with my baby meaning I had to have an endless parade of visitors when really all I wanted was to be left alone. But I was wrong. Those services helped me hugely once I started actively engaging with them. I found the right medication, had the right therapy and everything changed. It can change for you too but you have to be open to the help.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's the hardest thing I've ever been through and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

@peachgreen thank you for your honesty and compassion

@Theyweretheworstoftimes, if you are able to access private therapy and can travel to London, take a look at an organisation called Parenthood in Mind, which specialises in perinatal mental health - you can see counsellors, psychotherapists and psychologists through them. I am lucky enough not to have experienced your particular issues but I have accessed therapy privately through them for other perinatal issues and found them very helpful.

If you found pregnancy and birth traumatic, you might also want to look at the Birth Trauma Association website and its private Facebook page. There are other women who have struggled to bond with their babies and it might help you to know you’re not alone and that there is help out there and things can get better.

I can also recommend Dr Anne Cremona at the Capio Nightingale hospital who is a brilliant psychiatrist and specialises in women’s mental health.

Please PM me any time @Theyweretheworstoftimes. PND is so, so cruel. Having my DD was all I'd ever wanted and then when I had her I couldn't bear it. I was desperate for her to go away. I attempted suicide because I couldn't see a way out. I read all these people who had PND saying things would get better and I would bond with my child etc etc and I just did not believe it would EVER happen for me, I was 100% certain I would never love her and never enjoy being a mum and always feel this awful. But treatment changed everything. It was slow and steady but it worked and now my daughter is my whole world. It can happen for you too, I promise.

@peachgreen your explanation is spot on. I will try to PM you. I am so glad that you were able to recover.

This was my thread @Theyweretheworstoftimes, it may help you to see how much things changed for me.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3217112-to-hate-being-a-mum?pg=1

I actually hid my worst feelings and thoughts even on that thread because I felt that they were monstrous. Actually I know now that I was just very, very ill. I had experienced mental health issues before but NOTHING like this - now I'm out of it I can see that I was completely out of control, not myself at all, and although at the time the thoughts and feelings seemed very rational to me and like I was just a defective person, it's clear to me now how unwell I was. I believe your feelings stem from a similar place and I'm absolutely heartbroken that you've been feeling them for so long now. I'm so sorry. You poor thing.

@peachgreen I read this thread. It broke me that someone could suffer so much. i was deep in HG hell at the time. I will have a look through it as you got a lot of responses and I will try to work out how to PM you. Thank you for sharing with me.

The responses were incredible, I was so lucky. They really kept me going.

The suffering was intense but it was shortlived, in hindsight - you'll see from the thread how much things had changed between April and June.

Here any time.

@peachgreen I have tried to PM you but I can't for some reason 🤦‍♀️

I'll PM you first and see if you can reply.

Op I totally get the wanting your old life back thing. I have a 2 year old and trust me I've often thought secretly if I knew what I did now about being a mum I'd go back in time and not have any children. I've actually had it agreed by my consultant to be sterilised at the age of 27 as I felt so strongly and the thought of ever getting pregnant again was affecting my mental health.

However, I do love the bones of my ds. I'd do anything for him. Its heartbreaking that you feel no love towards your baby and its so vital you keep pushing to get help for this. You've had some good advice and replies on here and I'm sorry I can't offer anything more but just please don't give up trying to talk to people. You and your child deserve the help.

Hello OP.

Firstly, I think you are very brave posting about this.

Secondly, you are not a monster! You are probably experiencing PND and/ or PTSD. Both treatable but I think you’ll need help.

I had horrendous PND, compounded by trauma to do with a difficult childhood. I was very ill for a long time but did not see it. I gradually got better with a combination of therapy/ medication/ returning to work and partner taking on more with the kids.

I’m still not a natural mum. They bore me a lot! And I’m inpatient and inconsistent. But I take them to the park a lot and play with them. I share a love of books with them. I love the bones of them now, I’m very lucky. But I still need a break from them and am secretly pleased when I have to go away on business. I am far from perfect, but I am more than good enough.

Incidentally, if you can afford private, look up Dr Ben Nereli. He has recently retired from at George’s rooting but may take on private work. He is an amazing psychiatrist who has been at the forefront of good practise in perinatal mental health for decades. Plus he is a lovely man.

What about your DH? Is he a fundamental decent person who is understandably struggling, or is he a shit?

You can do this OP! 🍷💐

DH is very good. He has watched me struggle and struggle for 2.5 years now. He wants to help and. Support but doesn't know how. He does everything thing he can for both of us he is just out of his depth with this one.

OP, I am very sorry indeed - for you and for your child, also for your husband - to hear things are so very dark. it sounds as if you have been in this difficult dark place from pretty much the beginning of the pregnancy. What I don't understand (and this is a genuine question, seeking to understand, and not an attack) is why, given that, you resisted professional involvement to the extent of going abroad with your husband and child? I assume the implicit if not explicit threat there was your baby being taken into care - what made you want to avoid that at all costs, given you had previously asked for adoption?

I also ask because you are not going to get out of this without seeking help, and that does sound as if it's going to have to involve some engagement with the NHS. unless you have a lot of funds for private therapy (although probably, if at all possible, some degree of private therapy with someone knowledgeable and compassionate would be a very good thing - it sounds as if you need to experience someone as being solidly 'on your side').

I also notice the disjunst in your account between not feeling able to resist what you experienced as pressure on you to continue with the pregnancy when you wanted a termination, and the fierce and (in terms of the action you took) 'extreme' resistance to official involvement after the birth. I am wondering what the difference was that led to those reactions each time - and the difference now in that you sound very bleak and despairing, almost as if you have given up again.

All this is food for thought only. Your post is a snapshot only, albeit a very distressing one to read, and I can't possibly know the ins and outs. You do need to hold on to the sense of the importance of sorting this, for all your sakes (that is, for yours as much as for your child's), even if that does take you down some very uncomfortable paths and involve people and/or agencies you would rather keep far away from.

Wishing you all the best.

*disjunct, not disjunst.

@cattlestreet the manner in which the way these services intruded on our lives with no warning and the aggressive nature of interactions we had with them made both my husband and I genuinely fearful for our lives. Fleeing from your home with a tiny baby is not an easy thing to do. I felt humiliated and shamed by them. My husband left the property at the same time as me but did not join us abroad. I went alone. The approach from the services mentioned was not collaborative and I genuinely believe they would have done more harm than good in the circumstances.