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Original poster

Do I 'force' my sensitive little poppet to do the ballet show that she doesn't want to do?

33 replies

oliveoil · 03/09/2007 09:40

Background: dd1, v shy, 'odd', sensitive etc etc. Started doing ballet on a Saturday morning to try and boost her confidence and socialise a bit more. Seems to have worked, likes going now (took a while), when I spy on her at the end of the lesson she is usually holding hands or chatting to another girl.

They are planning a show and she now says she doesn't want to do it, getting VERY upset.

One matinee, 3 evenings (which end at 10pm when she goes to bed at 7pm , but that is another matter)

Do I say, ok, you don't have to do it - even though all her friends will be?

Or do I 'force' her, thinking that she may like it if she tries?

My gut - and I am big on gut feelings - says "oh ffs you muppet, she is only 4, you will only put her off ballet otherwise"

But I am very soft and may be biased and wrong and she may benefit from the challenge. Or maybe not .

Anyone had experience of this?

Thanks

OP posts:

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gemmiegoatlegs · 03/09/2007 09:43

you can take a horse to water but you can't make it drink....

my ds is similar with unfamiliar experiences and so far I haven't pushed him. OTOH, i feel he may miss out on a lot of experiences if he never tries. In your situation, i think you are doing really well with the ballet classes, but forcing the issue may put her off completely.

Maybe compromise that she does the next one when she is a bit more settled/confident?

themoon66 · 03/09/2007 09:43

No, don't force her. She is only four. She will get upset, which will upset you.

It's not worth it.

flowerybeanbag · 03/09/2007 09:44

Has she explained why she doesn't want to do it, what is worrying her?
If it's something you can reassure her about, or a problem you can solve, then encourage her to do it.
Otherwise I wouldn't force her. It sounds like she is enjoying her ballet otherwise, and she may wish afterwards that she had done it, when she sees what a good time the others had etc, and you can then encourage her to do the next one. She's only 4, there will be plenty of shows to do, and as I say, it seems like she is enjoying her ballet so it may just take her a bit more time to build up her confidence to do shows etc.

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pirategirl · 03/09/2007 09:44

yes, go with your gut feeling, she is after al 4, and if she is just getting into it, the lessons are fine for now.

ProjectIcarusinhercar · 03/09/2007 09:45

performances quite scarey at 4. I remember being terrified at my ballet shows till about 7.

I would say enjoy practising and see how she goes but if she doesn't fancy it let her watch from the wings maybe?

kitsandbits · 03/09/2007 09:45

I wouldnt.

I remember being forced to do a school play -i cried and cried,

my mum spoke to the teacher and he said i HAD to be in it.

So my mum booked our holiday a week early so i was away uring the play

I love my Mam, lol

haychee · 03/09/2007 09:45

No dont force her, take her there and she can join in if she feels like it when she gets there - it might just be the anxiety prior to the event and maybe fine when she gets there. It would do her confidence wonders if she manages it.

chocolateteapot · 03/09/2007 09:46

I think you go with your gut feeling. My DD wouldn't have done this at 4 and would have been in pieces with the evening perfomances as she used to conk out at about 6.

But now she's 8 I think she would happily do it , she has hugely increased in confidence.

And from what I have heard from friends you have to put a lot of effort in with costumes and rehearsals, so being the lazy cow I am, I would delay it as long as possible !

SauerKraut · 03/09/2007 09:46

It might be better to let her look on this time- it might make her happier about taking part next time. I have a dd the same, and there turned out to be a real reason why we shouldn't have pushed her into taking part in social occasions against her will.
And from my own experience, gut feelings about things like this really count.

cornsilk · 03/09/2007 09:47

No don't force her to do it. Take her to watch the show instead. She may want to be in it next time.

Issy · 03/09/2007 09:48

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at OP's request

tissy · 03/09/2007 09:48

Can you have a word with the teacher, and see if she can be included at the last minute, if she changes her mind? Presumably she is learning the dances in the lessons, so the issue is whether or not she goes on stage?

My feeling would be to let her NOT do it, if that's what she wants.

My shy, sensitive 5 yr old was in a show in June, and she was eventually fine, though quite worried before hand. I'm afraid the highlight of the show (and I have it on DVD), is the "baby class" on stage with one little cherub standing at the end of the line in full regalia, tutu etc, with her arms folded refusing to budge! It was hilarious I'm afraid, and there was a lot of sympathetic laughing, and MASSIVE applause at the end. I would have been mortified for my baby if it was her!

Also, that is a lOT of very late nights for a 4 yr old- mine had two evening performances- finishing at 10.30-ish, and she HAD to be in the finale, and she had school next day . Could she just be in the matinee? IME, there is little actual choreography going on at that age, so I'm sure the others would get on fine without her.

Original poster

oliveoil · 03/09/2007 09:48

she hasn't really said why she doesn't want to do it

it was her first lesson back after the summer break on Saturday so she may just be settling back in again

me and dh were discussing the shows (ie "who the fuck organised the times for this when they are at school etc") so she may have overheard and this may have brought on the worry

OP posts:

TellusMater · 03/09/2007 09:50

Well, with my ds I avoid all discussion of it before the event, then take him along and hand him over to whoever is organising things. I do this because I know that if he were to miss it he would be miserable once he realised what he had done, but I don't want to make him upset and entrenched in his position by insisting that he do it. But children are different. I know this works for my. Might be utterly wrong for your dd.

Original poster

oliveoil · 03/09/2007 09:53

good idea on doing the matinee

may get tickets for that and then she can sit on my knee if she doesn't want to do it

I am sooooooooooooooo soft

she is ready for bed at 6.30pm, watches Wonderpets yawning and is out at 7pm after a story, there is no way she would be clod hopping about at 9.30pm

OP posts:

geogteach · 03/09/2007 09:54

I withdrew DD from the ballet show last term. The dance the 4 year olds were doing was tweety pie which involved her being a bird chased by a cat, she is petrified of cats at the best of times. I'm glad I did it as she was making a fuss about going and calmed down once she could sit out that bit and is now looking forward to going back this week.

Original poster

oliveoil · 03/09/2007 09:56

ok, thanks all

she said "can I still get my costume?"

will see how much £££ that costs first

OP posts:

BecauseImWorthIt · 03/09/2007 10:04

I would just check with the teacher whether withdrawing her makes their dance piece unworkable - i.e. if it's something where she has to have the right number of children to do the dance (pairs, for example). Probably unlikely at 4, but I wouldn't want to risk pissing off the teacher!

Original poster

oliveoil · 03/09/2007 10:06

no, they are just running about like a herd of elephants from what I can see

think she is one of about 30 ducklings

OP posts:

NadineBaggott · 03/09/2007 10:08

I think you could force to the concert but you couldn't make her perform.

If she is really upset about doing it I wouldn't make her.

mumeeee · 03/09/2007 22:43

No don't force her

WideWebWitch · 03/09/2007 22:46

Don't make her

LaCod · 03/09/2007 22:47

whya re you even tlakign about it
go a logn wiht it

ignroe it

LaCod · 03/09/2007 22:47

fgs you are over preparing her abotu an event she isnt evn ready for
pushy mum

VeniVidiVickiQV · 03/09/2007 22:50

No, dont force her.

DD can be like this. I have never forced her - it just re-inforces her feelings.

What I have done in the past is to coach her for days beforehand on 'new' things.

For example, when she was a flower girl at a wedding a couple of months ago, we spent the days leading up to it, telling her all about it, what she was going to have to do - right from having her hair done, to where she will have to go, and what she needs to do.

Then more recently, when she had to have a hearing test (first time earlier this year she froze completely and clung to me), I spent the 48 hours preceding it telling her we were going to the hospital, she was going to have to put headphones on, and sit in a special cupboard, and when she heard a noise she had to push the special button. We repeated it over and over every couple of hours.

It works.

You could try doing that with her. If she is still adamant, then go with what she wants. If she is not happy doing it, what is the point?

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