Do you judge Mother’s of young DC that work FT?

[Howcouldyoubelieveme]

I’m a Mum to a 5 year old and a 2 year old and I work full time. I went back in both cases when my DC was 10months old.

I never thought I would be living the life I am but DH has some mental health issues which mean I am the breadwinner and part time or SAHM is not an option. Most people would not know this about me, for context.

Most of the time I feel ok about it, I have my moments of regret and sadness but my work is so busy (lecturer) I can suppress and I make sure the evenings and weekends are amazing for them.

But there are moments, like right now, when I just feel so judged and so isolated. I literally know no one else with young kids who works FT to speak to. All of my Mum friends work pt or not at all. They all have breadwinning partners and I am fearful of becoming resentful that my husband isn’t. They also all have help with childcare, we have no family in this country and I think that makes it worse. I’m the one that works full time in a good job and I’m the one with a tiny house and 12 year old car. Primarily because I spend the best part of a grand a month on childcare. That makes me sound so materialistic! I’m honestly not but it doesn’t help the situation.

So basically Im just ranting and feeling sorry for myself, due to a couple of throwaway comments made to me this morning. I feel like the worlds worst Mum and I just want to go and hug my babies.

No I dont judge, I assume most (not all) mothers want to spend time with their children but financial responsibilities make them unable to do so. No one will judge you and if they do stuff them x

Never, no!

Someone will judge you if you work, someone else will judge you if you don’t. You do what you want or need to do.

Completely agree with the PP we get judged no matter what as some people are just like that. I think when your children are older they will look at you as a strong woman who did what she had to to support there dad and keep a roof over there heads!! x

I have friends with young dc who choose to work ft even though they could work pt. They also don't take much of their annual leave with dc, taking days off in term time and putting them in holiday club as much as possible. I do judge them a bit because I know them well and their priorities (money over time with dc). I wouldn't judge someone I didn't know.

Gosh, no I pity them tbh.
It can't be easy having to leave your dc when they are little.
Then the boards on here are full of women complaining about having to do all the household chores and raising their children.
I see it as a life of hell, but we are all different. Some women thrive, existing like this.

No. Men do it all the time!

By "judging " , do you mean disapproving?
I think society in general wants mothers to work and think it's better for professionals in nurseries to look after the children.

No.
I wonder how they do it. I'm a LP and only work part time and even that's a struggle (my kids are way older too).

I'd never judge a ft working mum - I had to do it when I went back after maternity leave. It was bloody hard work, but I had to do it otherwise we'd have struggled financially. My DH worked too. You have to do what you have to do for your family - traditionally that's been the fathers role but it's so common now for mums to work full time as well as or instead of the dad. I'm fortunate to not need to work full time at the moment but if I had to so we could pay the bills then I absolutely would.

I work full time. Kids are a bit older now but I took 4 months off with the first, and 8 months with the second. For a long time, I was the breadwinner, we needed my salary. So, I would never judge someone. Everyone is just trying to do their best for their family and trying to justify their decisions to themselves, not criticising others.

No. I assume they need to either for financial reasons or for their own mental health. I'm a SAHM to a 1.5 year old but I'm starting a part time job in a few weeks and can't wait. I'm so bored, we go to playgroups and baby sign language, visit my parents, go to the farm, play at home, do some housework. Repeat repeat repeat. She's great but I need some time to use my brain!

Gosh, no I pity them tbh.

Pity? FFS. I'd rather be judged than pitied, thanks.

No. Men do it all the time!

Some men go months without seeing their children (work abroad), so no OP dont feel guilty at all. Do what's best for your family.

Nope! I think everyone has to do the best they can in their circumstances.

Clearly, working full time to put a roof over your kids' heads and look after your partner is extremely important and it sounds as if you are doing an amazing job.

I don't judge anyone who works FT or PT more generally. Any of the following are all good reasons IMO:

• they have to do financially
• they enjoy it and it gives them an identity outside of parenthood
• they do so for their mental health
• they do so to be able to afford things that they feel are important to their or their children's' lives (within reason obviously - the mega yacht is probably not so important!!)
• they do so to have independence or a financial cushion in case bad events happen later.

All of these are responsible adult choices and very compatible with being a good parent if you also ensure that you spend time with your kids outside of work and show them love, which you clearly do. I don't judge anyone who stays at home either.

I DO judge:

• people who don't make the effort to spend quality time with their kids when they are able to do so (a very small minority of parents)
• people who judge others for their choices (sadly, a much larger minority of people).

I am really sorry that you feel judged and guilty, there is no need to. It sounds as if you are doing a fantastic job.

Thank you. I am starting to feel a bit less sorry for myself. I am teaching at 2 so I need to cheer up!

DH and I split our leave so we can do 90% of holidays and I do 3 school/nursery drop offs and pick ups a week DS2 is only in nursery 8-3. I considered 4 condensed days but decided 5 shorter days and then evenings/activities with DH or I was better that 4 x 7.30-6 and breakfast/after school club for DC. Life is exhausting!

@xmasbaby I have friends that do the same, she and her husband go off on holidays on their own in term time and hen GPs do full time in holidays. I don’t understand that but each to their own. I’d never say anything derogatory to her.

I feel like you; recently someone I work with made some ignorant comments about what’s the point in having children (not sure she realised I was there and listening) and I had a bit of a firm rant about my choices being mine and that other people know nothing about why I’ve had to make certain choices. I also told her that the only person who gets to question my decision is my children (more thinking when they become older) and they will hopefully understand

I don't know anyone who doesn't work tbh! I don't have any friends who work PT or sahm, we all work full time so that's my norm. It's tough and childcare is expensive yes and like you we have no family help either, but I don't feel guilty about it. My children love nursery and I love being able to buy food and not worry about every penny. I've been broke before and I'm not going back there. Just enjoy the time you do have with them and make it fun. You're doing a good job, there's no one right way to parent

I would never judge a woman for working full-time under any circumstances. No one questions a man for making that choice.

No.

No I don't judge. I commend you. I have always worked full time and paid X2 full time childcare fees. More than my mortgage for several years.

It is bloody hard work mentally being sole breadwinner. And you are in this for long haul. I've been full time working mum for 15years and I have full respect from my friends as well as my work colleagues. I now have the luxury to refer my kids into work placements and bring them with me during work experience days. Experiences money can't buy and both son and daughter understand about equal opportunities as well as equal responsibility.

One day your husband may be able to pick up slack. He's mental health and your mental health are both important. Most of all, I respect myself and don't give a bullocks what other people think. And so should you goddammit.

Why are you spending a grand a month on childcare if your partner doesn't work? I know you said he has health issues, but does he do no childcare at all?

Only if they send their DC up chimneys

Nik

I do pity a lot of women, they get such a crap life.
Working ft is great if you have enough time for your kids, a partner who does his share of 50% but unfortunately the boards on here are full of women complaining they don't.
I pity because their lives sound so miserable.
I'd be bloody miserable working ft, coming home to have to start again.

In most families where there is a SAHP, it's done in order to save the money on childcare. Clearly this isn't happening in your family and I'm not surprised you're annoyed.