Do you judge Mother’s of young DC that work FT?

[Howcouldyoubelieveme]

I’m a Mum to a 5 year old and a 2 year old and I work full time. I went back in both cases when my DC was 10months old.

I never thought I would be living the life I am but DH has some mental health issues which mean I am the breadwinner and part time or SAHM is not an option. Most people would not know this about me, for context.

Most of the time I feel ok about it, I have my moments of regret and sadness but my work is so busy (lecturer) I can suppress and I make sure the evenings and weekends are amazing for them.

But there are moments, like right now, when I just feel so judged and so isolated. I literally know no one else with young kids who works FT to speak to. All of my Mum friends work pt or not at all. They all have breadwinning partners and I am fearful of becoming resentful that my husband isn’t. They also all have help with childcare, we have no family in this country and I think that makes it worse. I’m the one that works full time in a good job and I’m the one with a tiny house and 12 year old car. Primarily because I spend the best part of a grand a month on childcare. That makes me sound so materialistic! I’m honestly not but it doesn’t help the situation.

So basically Im just ranting and feeling sorry for myself, due to a couple of throwaway comments made to me this morning. I feel like the worlds worst Mum and I just want to go and hug my babies.

Fwiw, you many not know many working mum's in your sphere but I know many powerful influential women (CEOs, industry captains, Vice Presidents and top Scientists). Yes the circle is small but it's an impressive one so join the club.

@MrsMelanieHamilton My husband does work, full time but his job isn’t particularly well paid. He used to be a teacher, had a breakdown and is now working with children in a different capacity. Unfortunately not a term time only role.

sorry XP with your update!

No I don't judge them at all.
I've done most combinations over the past 20yrs. Full time work from when my eldest was 3m because Mat leave was shorter in those days and I had no choice.
Full time working plus being a single mum when xh left.
Term time working single mum.
Then Part time term time with dd2. Working from home with dd3 and SAHM when dd1 had issues that made it really hard to work around.
Currently on Mat leave with DS.

I've used nurseries, childminder, after school clubs, and after my parents/pil retired had family support. I've also been a childminder. As long as a child is loved and cared for what is to judge!

I liked some of those options more than others and I'm really lucky that in later years I was able to have a choice.

Short answer, no!!!

Not at all. I work FT now (though compressed hours, so I still have Fridays off) and have 2 & 7 year olds. Actually the opposite, I feel a bit sorry for my friends who have left work and now only have little incomes from MLMs or who do a tiny bit of part time work but only on the weekends when their partners are at home, so they never get full weekends together as a family, etc. I have one school mum friend who now has both of her dc in school. She gave up quite a prestigious high earning career to be at home so her dh could progress his career, but her dc are in school now and she's by herself all day. I feel a bit sad for her that she must be pretty bored.

Now all these friends may be perfectly happy with their choices and not bored or worrying about money or their pensions or any of that. That could totally just be my projection. I certainly don't look down on them and I sure hope they don't judge me for working, but I couldn't imagine being in their shoes, even if I had a choice.

Nope. I work full time by choice. It gets chaotic at times (also a lecturer, as is DH) but neither of us is cut out to be at home. We're happy, and DD is happy in nursery.

I went back when each of mine was 10 months old too. Mine are now 12 and 16. So I certainly won’t judge you! We all just make the best choices we can at the time.

Having said that, very few of the mums in our social circle work outside the home, so I did find that quite hard. I think it helps if you can create a network amongst working parents, then you know you’re not on your own - I work in a fairly high pressure environment and it’s refreshing to hear other parents’ tales of trying to mix conference calls and bath time!

I’ve also been lucky that DH and I have seemed to work well as a team. Resentment is a killer, so if you feel the burden is being unfairly allocated that’s going to be tough x

Gosh, no I pity them tbh

I never needed anyone's pity when mine were young and worked full time. I worked to keep me sane and my mental health being in the best shape it could be.

I spent decent quality time with them wherever possible.

@drabani do you have any idea how patronising that is?

There’s a great saying I like to use for many things ‘you do whatever suits/is best for you and your family, and don’t worry about what everyone else is doing/saying’ aslong as you know you and your partner are doing what is best for your family right now I wouldnt give it another thought different things for different families 😊

Not at all, everyone does what they've got to do.

I will also be returning to work full-time after having a baby. There is no other way for me. Doesn't mean you're a bad mum or love them any less!

Absolutely not!

I'm envious at the moment. I went back to work part time, which went badly wrong and now I'm a SAHM.

I desperately want to go back to work but need to find something that works for us.

Not helped by the fact my son is very anxious and that has been massively improved by me being at home.

You do what you need to do for your family/yourself.

To be honest you are damned if you do and damned if you don't x

And the loaded sexism in this. "I pity them" FFS, it's 2020. Women are entitled to careers.

Patronising to expect men to do their share and be proper parents?
and I'm told I'm in the 50's.
Should I not pity the poor women doing everything and missing out on their kids?
Do you not?

I definitely don’t judge. My mum worked full time when I was a child because she had to. Now I’m a young SAHM to my 12 month old and all of my ‘mum friends’ are in their 30s and work and none of my old friends have kids. I feel like I should always feel great full and never complain, even when I find things hard. My partner’s salary is under 20k per year and we rent so I’m not doing it out of luxury/choice- it’s just not worth paying childcare yet.

I feel like a brainless weirdo living on the edge of society with no place to go. Of course I’m glad to get to be with my child but I just wanted to let you know that it’s not all sun and rainbows. You never know how you might have felt as an academic being a SAHM. You might have loved it, but equally you could have become bored and isolated. Don’t let anyone get you down. Everyone has to make the best decisions for their family and it’s no one else’s business.

No, it wouldn't even cross my mind to be honest.

However I DO judge those who judge or pity mothers for working. Unless maybe if they judge or pity working fathers equally but let's face it, nobody ever does that.

Not at all. I respect them for working hard for their family and for allowing themselves to keep something for themselves outside of all consuming family life.

I could not go back to work after mat leave but quite frankly I’d rather rim a cactus than stay at home with a toddler all day. I’d go back now (DD 6 months) if I wasn’t breastfeeding and give the leave to DH.

Some people want to work, others want to stay at home 🤷‍♀️

No judgment from me. My youngest son went to a primary school where lots of the parents were female lecturers. An awesome group of women with lovely children.

Do you not?

No I don't pity them, it's incredibly fucking patronising.

It's exactly what I did when my dc were young. So no, I never judge, just admire, because I know how hard it is from first hand experience and I really don't know how I did it. Got promotion just after return from my first mat leave as well!

I'm a single parent working full time and pursuing a career and I think most people are impressed that I manage with no help whatsoever.

I don't judge women for any of the work choices they make post baby. Everyone's circumstances are different (as you have highlighted). I am lucky enough to work part-time but I have a good friend who works full-time, term-time only - sometimes I envy her because she never has to worry about childcare over the holidays. I'm sure she envies my Mondays and Fridays off - we both work in HE but different areas of specialism.

The only person I have ever heard outwardly judge a full-time working mum is a SAHM from my kids school and I think she is secretly jealous that the other woman has a great career.

Of course not! On the contrary I kind of assume that these days both parents usually need to work full time to make ends meet. In a lot of ways it's the smart thing for them to do, because being out of the work force for years, they don't just lose the $ from those years, but also the experience and advancement that they would've got. I was out for 3.5 years (finance and acct field), and getting back in was brutal. And I used that time to go to classes and get an MBA. I got lucky to land a management job for twice the salary I had ended with, but it was TOTALLY a right place, right time scenario. All the headhunters etc I spoke with had told me I was unrealistic to think I'd even make what I had made before. This interview I had got myself and it worked out.